Resolutions this, Resolutions that

this is the last day
it is the day in which we pledge to change everything about ourselves
we are going to become size zeros, we are going to change our friends, change our habits and our tricks
its the day we tell the most lies
its the day we all waste knocking ourselves down
so far down we drink to forget and wake to remember and nothing is any different
see the thing is this is a final curtain to another year
another 365 days in which we have fought hard to keep our existence
we have earnt money worked hard and been through all sorts of trivial pursuits
but we are all still here
we weren't taken above the clouds, we didn't give up, we may have had tears but they dried, we may have been struggling but we survived
and we choose who we see in the new year with
and we contemplate the new beginnings
stop destroying the memories
stop disliking who you are
i wont change
i wont look to diet either
i will set me some aims and tick them off
i will look at all i want in my surroundings and i will get them
life is tough
it is what they all say
no one has a clue how it will go
but we forget how much we can control
how much we can ask for and receive and in return, what we can give
keep healthy, do all you can to maintain that
life will try those though, and in this lessons will be learnt


I used to spend so much time listing off what i wanted to change
i would slate everything i had, like it was the evil
but it wasn't
i made every choice
things happen that we don't want but i kept at it
so this year, why not just enjoy toasting out to 2014, and all that it brought
the new faces,  new places, changing lives
the new career paths, the lost loves, the new loves, the new places in which we live, the things we acquire, the lessons we learn, the memories all in pictures marked in albums on social media
a toast to those who left us, those who didn't get to stay with us, [to me this was our beloved cat Ben]
let us toast their farewell and keep going
another year under our belts
who knows where we will be on the last day 2015

Christmas Flakes

There was a gasp as the first snowflake was seen through the murky window
outside the cold had suffocated all its surroundings
it looked fearful and full of anger
the snow fell down and broke the tensions
it fell so peacefully without any kind of concern
it landed delicately onto the floor 
we all stood and wished for more
we all knew it wouldn't last but whilst it was happening we all stood enchanted by the magic
not a single word was uttered as we all hogged the space at the window ledge
to look up it looked messy
all confusing and everywhere
falling down from the heavens
a moment captured for Christmas
a moment of childhood

the pangs of youth filled the room
the stench of the missing was overwhelming
everyone in there own thoughts
contemplating, and planning
wishing and hoping and falling
falling with the flakes which brought with it hope
the pogues played on in the background, like the Christmas anthem
the lyrics stung as they hit my ears and hit my unconscious
swallow me up in this moment
wrap me up so tightly and don't let it go
preserve the silence
the honesty
the moment
the wanting to keep every second

Not always a walk in't park

steep hills surround the views and I struggle to see the skies above me
I have been walking for days and I just keep finding the same places
I cant seem to get any further away
so much for letting my circle grow
I have forgotten how to communicate so I fear I will see another soul here
my feet are in agony and the pain becomes an ache
I am just so tired of this mission you have put me on
I always pushed my own boundaries
pushed my own thresholds, only to be left in the cold
struggling to say I told you so
faces arrive in dreams and turn the light to dark
chase myself up the hills, teach myself lessons
run from the night, avoid the fright
avoid the hurt for so long I become the pain
tripping up on the grounds
that dark I cant see
rain decides to start pouring
it soaks the earth around me
it makes it harder to walk
I keep falling and no one helps me up
I am drowning in the night
the walk is just getting steeper and steeper
I have had enough
my patience has worn thin
I want to scream but I cant make a sound
I want this to stop
it isn't a dream that I can wake from
it is real life
it is tough and at times it feels hopeless
the fears whisper tales of dread on a daily
its our job to filter them
accept the bullshit and carry on
steep hills surround the views and I struggle to see the skies
but I continue in my search, because I know, one day I will be on top.

BRING ON LIFE

if you sat me down this time last year and told me what i would go through this year, I would laugh in your face
I would deny the most part and I would blush at the rest.
I would not ever believe this is where I'd be had I been given an insight
I wouldn't see my new place, my new furniture, my cat, my jobs, my experience, my relationships, my heartbreak, my acceptance, my fear, my stress, the break ups, the health issues, the falling in love just as the year is taking its bow
i would honestly laugh in your face.

I write a lot
I think a lot
and I have spent a long time speaking so loudly, I lose myself in the echoes
I have cried so much I have woken up feeling ever so drained
I have felt close to wanting it all to end
I have walked out of places that just brought the ugly and evil
I have battled with people who didn't like me
I have fought off those that did
I have hidden from my own thoughts for so long, I can honestly say that today I feel capable of anything
I have moved up so far in my own life
I have realised that when you deny yourself, you deny yourself happiness
I sat last night smiling so simply, my heart beat and it felt excited
it is Christmas Day tomorrow, and at 27 it is still as magical as it always has been


I hope you all have a blessed day, a wonderful Christmas and an exciting New Year!!!!!



BRING ON 2015

Fears and terrors

The curtain fell and i was left with the ending
The applause just carried on for what felt like hours
I couldnt catch my breath
I couldnt believe it had just happened
I didn't feel ready
It felt too fast
I was choking on my breathing and noone seemed to notice
The back stage staff just walked passed me and praised me
I thought to myself who would ever just do that
Who would open there heart up like that to strangers
Pour everything out to all who would lap it up
Hear the sniggers
Watch as they swallowed hard on my tough times
Its ok though its ok
I'm awake
I didn't
It was a panicked dream
A nightmare drenched in fears
Its ok
I have my secrets
I have my dignity
I have me

One last goodbye

One foul swoop and they were over
There wasnt a fighting bone left in her voice
It was like she was lost
Like we had lost her spirit over the time that had been and we hadn't even noticed
To look up to someone, to hope one day you'd be as lucky
To be looking into the faded once glistening eyes
To hear the lack of care
To know the final line had been drawn and there was nothing i could do
I couldn't help them
I couldn't make them
I couldn't clear up the mess as there was just nothing left
Years had been all made up of them
Pictures felt scattered in so many memories
Wrapped up in so much family
Yet now just a once upon a time
A past thought
A behind us now story
We all just sit and wait
Watch the dreams and pedastal collapse with the weight of lies told
Engraved in the years
For the tale to end
To be over
The book ended sooner than anyones expectations or dreams could ever be prepared for
Exhausted and drained
Because there love went away
And that is the way it is
One foul swoop and they were over
No longer an us or a we
But a this is what they used to be
Just a he and a her
Direction got blurred
The love got burnt

Family Time

You have filled my mind for a few days now
I found a video of you
I miss you
Its a funny thing is life, bad things happen and sometimes it's like you can forget.
It is Christmas soon and this was a fave time of yours
The only one who seemed genuinely into it
12 years you were here and I still think of you, tears fill my eyes as I type this out
Although not always mentioned, you are never forgotten and I just wanted to write that.
RIP Ben

Bullying bullies everything

It wasnt like this when i was younger
We didn't play like that
We didnt spend all our time in our rooms typing and tapping at screens
Headphones on
Music blarring
Swear words bouncing round our heads
Aggression building
Hating
Posting comments that hurt
Hurting
Just becoming this presence in social media
Destroying people's confidence
Rating people
Making people small
They didn't know how deep it got
They didn't realise the repercussions
They just spat out vile and logged out not another thought
When they became damaged
They became hurt
They cried out in nightmares
They began to drown
They became detached
Started writing dark thoughts
Stopped eating
Started drinking
Started drugs
Became lonely
Withdrawn
skipped school
Never opened up
One day a call
An announcement in assembly
A news story
A letter
A lost soul
Another life wasted
Ruined and destroyed
A family in shock and despair
Another life taken
Bullying
Let's make it stop

is there somebody who can

and when all is said and done it will be over
it will be a day that never happened or one you play over and over until the tape stops working
you wont know what the point of it all was and to be honest you wont be living so it wont even matter
we all just walk this world and we don't have a clue why
we bump into moments and fall over experiences and think its all a game
but that's OK right?
what are we here to prove anyway if not to ourselves
we do it all for ourselves and even that isn't enough most of the time
we wake up on a daily and spit our dreams to the mirror
we go on about fantasies and wishes and lives that we aim for
and when all is said and done it will be over
no life to talk about
no drama to gossip about
just a memory in a box
buried in some place full of other empty souls
waiting for the next level

The race

On your marks get set.... GO!!!
I swear that this time you won't outrun me
You'll be out of breath before the first hurdle you'll be asking me to slow down, telling me I'm not being fair
You'll get a right cob on
You'll tell everyone how i cheated
How i started before the whistle
How i took a short cut, your lies will be priceless
People won't believe you this time though
They know what you're like
They remember you from before you see
You can't erase the past
You can't outrun the truth
You have to accept it
Stand up and be counted
Look you came first this time
How good does it feel?

A little peace

And they all just lay here
Waiting for visitors or just waiting for the end
Cars pull up and fall out
Clear away the weeds and replace them with the fresh coloured flowers
They spend moments laying them out perfectly
Whilst tears are held back
Although sometimes you see the grief roll down their cheeks
They mutter words quietly about how they miss you and how they love you
They may even tell you about their day
All crowded in
All squashed up just rows and rows of gone lives
Leaves they have fallen and lay lightly upon your resting place
Birds fly above
A main road wraps itself around here but inside its peaceful
Slanted coffins
Broken stone
Collapsed from the weight of the world
I could stand here for hours
Circle it and read all of your names
I'll take a moment for each and every one of you
God bless you

If and when

& when you say goodbye
Hold on to the memories
Catch all of my dreams and make them become reality
Don't tell me how you'll try, tell me how you'll do
Make me believe life will continue
Loving and living life
Don't let me down
Whatever happens don't let me down
Not for a second

The room

The room isnt how you imagine
There's no queue
No people
Its just a room
Four walls and no window
You can't trace your location
No phone signal or internet
Just the walls
They look untouched
Freshly painted
New
But this room is worn down
This room has seen millions of faces just like mine
The disbelief in our faces as we land here
As we search for a door or a way out
But there's nothing to grab hold of
The walls cant be felt
You just know they're there
Shiny and so damaging
If the walls could talk
They'd recall the tears, the anger, the screaming
They'd tell you tales that'd keep you awake for weeks
For this isn't a real place
Its a transition
Its designed to serve a purpose
Of which each is different
To move on, grow up, let go, accept, meditate, relax, hide, run
Whatever it is, this room is here
So you may aswell get used to it
Let's start with your name....

Take off the mask

Stop trying so hard
You're losing yourself
Forgetting yourself
Replacing yourself
Take in a deep breath
Hold it
Count to 10 and trust it
You will feel better
The stress will blow away
Float up above you and disappear
You won't even know what you were scared of
You'll have forgotten the problem
You'll be free
You'll be you
You'll relax
You'll be happy
The smile will be natural
You can be natural
Come on now... yolo
You may aswell mean it

A lesson

And when you get it, let it
Once its found keep it
Don't run from it
Don't shy away
Just live it
Breathe it
Be it
Feel it
Believe in life, anything is possible
Especially when you allow it

Moments we all miss all too often

Look at me when you talk to me
Look at me properly
Can you see it
I see it in your eyes too
We are tired people
Our ages are different but we have both had jam packed lives haven't we
We may not know each other's pains but when we really look
What do we see?
Watch me when you make me laugh
Watch me properly
Do you see it in me
The pain the fears as they are drowned in laughter
Please never let me stop
Never let me go back there
For when I laugh for that moment I'm free
No more troubles

When you leave me alone
Watch me
Hear me
See what I really think

Inspired by a film... led by a feeling

clap so loudly, smash your hands together so much they start to hurt
give yourself the bruises so on a random afternoon you remember having the feeling you have now
tell them how brilliant they are, scream it from the bottom of your stomach, rip the lungs as you breathe in deep trying not to pass out
ignore the sore throat that chokes you, that cuts as you swallow
the skin feels tight around your eyes from the stinging from the tears that fell for days before now
keep standing up
keep that back straight, I am warning you, if anyone catches you slouch then it will be over for you
this isn't about your pain, its about their accomplishments their winning their achievements
please just forget all of yours
leave it at the door
where it belongs, outside... even with the rain coming down,
put down the certificate, I am not going to ask you again, let the rain get to it, let the dampness damage the immaculately kept prize, let the ink start to smudge and your name become a blur
you wont even remember what it was for when you get it back
you wont even remember where you came from or why you are here
it will just be a blip in your memory
like the ones you get from a heavy night on the drunken punch
but don't worry, seriously there is no point
for to worry will cause emotion and lets face it, emotion will never help you win any war or argument
it wont cure any disease or infection
it will just lower the tone
and you don't want to be held responsible for being that person now, do you

exactly!

now are we done here, or have you got anything else to ask me
no OK, good
as I said drop all you are, leave it at the door, it has no place in here
thank you

Armistice day ! We will remember

It could have been me
I could have been there too
I could have risked my life for peace
For protection, for my country
I could have been running through fields with a rifle praying I didnt have to use it
I could have been sat in a trench, trying so hard to keep my eyes open incase the enemy attacked
It could have been me missing my husband, wife, daughter, son, mum or dad
Praying for their safe return home
Counting down the days to R&R
Being scared of the news
Trying not to worry or think
If I had been in the army, the navy, the raf... it could have been me

RIP TO ALL THOSE LIVES LOST
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU SACRIFICED FOR US

On the 11th hour, of the 11th day, of the 11th month, we will remember

Grab a cuppa tea

Ask me who I am
Ask me how I feel
Do you believe my answers?
I am not hating on life but on circumstances
I don't understand why I can't be that way to
& why I have to be this way
Its like we are altogether one minute and I'm asked to change line, move group, stand with complete strangers who don't even know me
They don't understand why I dress this way or why I denied myself
They are so many levels higher than me
They are all happy
They have no doubts or fears in their minds and they just get on
I am stood there watching them, trying to copy them, being who I have been before... back when the truth reared it's ugly face, when it spat the words I've been running from for years
I couldn't go from copying one thing to copying another
I needed to just accept it calmly and be me.
To know that I have always been me
I was me every time I lay awake at night arguing with myself
When I couldn't commit like others did
When I didnt like it, like they did
When I realised I was faking it
When I would do anything to make them believe it
Push myself to the edge of my own comfort zone and keep pushing
When I would cry in pain and bewilderment at how far I was prepared to take it
When all this time I didn't mean it and I didn't need to
And that it was just what it is
I can't seek therapy to change it
No amount of praying will help
I just need to calmly accept it
Don't change
I've always been me
I'm still here but now with an opportunity to be really happy
Just ask me who I am
And I will answer with, I am kimface.
I am the way I am because that is who I am
No definition, no label, just me
I am just a little scared these days
Unfamiliar paths stand before me
Just be there for me
I need you all more than you'll ever know. ..

Rain, rain go away...

I was sat one night just thinking
Everything was reeling
It made me feel sick
So I put myself to bed

I looked into my mirror
The face I could not register
No tears and such lack of colour
I can't see me anymore

I don't know what is happening
All I do know is it's draining
And I need to stop complaining
About the lack of sleep I'm getting
But I feel so incomplete
And no clothes seem to fit
And no sense is made from living
And I don't know why I exist

The family they are hurting
And health is fcuking things up
We have always been a huge sailing ship
It is just of late rocking
And its all become unsettled
And I can't control the weather
And we are falling through the corridor
And bouncing off the walls
And trying to keep it settled

Tears are coming often
Hearts are breaking loudly
Noone can stop the storm
Just one thing after the other
Love keeps us stronger
Love stops us drowning but doesn't stop us hurting
The pain it was deserted
But now it feels so fresh.
Wounds appear open
Until this storm gives up
I don't think I can cope.

Work will keep me grounded
But sleep has let me fear
And I wake up all panicked
Exhausted every morning
I just needed to type this
Because I don't know what to do
It is unlike me
It is not what I'm used to

Positivity is always present
Just stressed and offloading
Not giving up not even trying
Just waking and working
And waiting and sleeping
This time will pass though
This time has to pass..

Remember

Crawling and learning to walk
Holding yourself up on your own
Realising in order to get anywhere you need to do it for yourself.
When life is tougher people fall and no longer walk
We are back to basics struggling with the idea of motion
We think we have forgotten everything
We hold onto everything insight
We become useless, a shadow of our former selves, arguing with whether we should carry on living or just simply let it all go
All that we have learnt, is up against the wasting
To walk, talk, read, write and we can't even find strength to fight
We sit in our wallow and we drown in the dark
We grab all we can find to help us get numb
Drink and drugs and anti this and anti that
We go on like it's never been this bad for anyone else
That this is worse than war, and real pain
Selfish with our feelings and concerns over our own gains
Are we being serious?
Do we have any intention in getting back
Learning each day to walk just a step
Keep going one in front of the other
Get further
Get stronger
Pick yourself off that dirty dark pit and fight for your right to life
One meer existence depends on your weighted choices
How dare you deny yourself this experience
The ONLY experience you'll ever have, being you and only you.
Crawling and learning to walk
Holding yourself up on your own
Realising in order to get anywhere you need to do it for yourself.

No Good can be found in the What ifs

Pull it all together
Drag it with your nails
Tell yourself things will be better
And believe it with all of your heart
Don't let the words cut into you
Don't let the nastiness stick
Remember how hard you have worked in life
And make sure you make it count
Present yourselves with a smile
Wipe back the stresses and fear
Don't take out moods on your family
Be strong enough to pick anger apart
Don't leave life too late
As we all know the spinning never stops
Grab all the opportunities in front of you
And see what new things you can create

But do remember life can change tracks
And people can drift apart
But as long as you have your own determination
You can handle all that happens, all that hurts and you can carry on

Clashing floors

Struggling with the pain as it rips at my skin, like a flame on my bare arm
I can't feel this way anymore but if I don't does it mean you are gone

Hating the truth and running from my past
Uphill battle with every step
Catching all the pieces as it shatters in my memories
Like glass the shards cut my hands
I am on my knees scraping nails in the earth
Screaming out at the world

I can't believe in anything higher in power anymore
Not when whomever it is, is taking it all
Walking off with my family members, holding their hands
Turning my sunshine days into darkness

I can't believe in anything, not anymore
Not when you just keep taking it all
Not a care or a please
Just a pack up your life, pack up your things, follow me quickly, don't make a sound. For you have died and this is your end, we'll tell them your goodbyes and say you live in the sky....

Such little drops of power

In a world where everyone is trying to be like everyone else
The sheer individuality gets lost in translation
People become sheep
Following blindly in packs
Opinions become echoes of louder voices
People go home with heads lost in confusion
Trembling with anger from forcing down meals of lies and fear
Choking on the everso unclean air surrounding our every inch of body
Waking through the night whilst our thoughts crash and cause destruction in our heads
Drenched in sweat from guilt and beaten consciences
To be forced into submission
To watch the news and be numb
To see the world crash into the walls of this prison the devils create
To fall to the floor, heavy and exhausted
Tears streaming down our painted on faces, ripping up our socially acceptable attire
Drinking till our hearts stop beating
Searching for the souls we were born with
Hoping the silence passes and our real wants and desires break out in noise

Note to self.

Who does it for you?
When you're sat there with your wants and needs..
Who grabs the opportunities for you and makes them happen?
Who picks up the pieces when a love is lost or a dream is crushed?
Who?
Is it your parents, with their own lives flying past at a rate... with your upset over the truth of age.. and how time is running out
Or your siblings who are making their own lives count?
Is it your colleagues who you spend more time with than anyone?
Those past by uni pals?
Your fears?
Do they guide you through your day...
Or is it you?
Who allows you to revisit the past
Who makes you sad
Who creates the thoughts and the worries?
It is you?
It has only ever been you..
So if you want or need some guidance
Dig deep, reach into yourselves and fix the tears, create the smile
Realise it was only ever you holding yourself back.
Today is the day you realise this and start making the smiles again.

Saying it as it is... since 1987

Stop it
Let the current pull you under
Let life hang in the balance
Go on, I dare you.

Let it
Don't forget your meaning
Remember life is one shot
No point just wishing... make it happen

Forget it
I won't be fixing your errors
I am not your get out card
I have my life too

Love it
This is all ours for the taking
Stay up late, watch the sunrise, dream hard, love deep, fall fast, face fears, strive above... stop looking passed you
Never look down at your past
It put you where you are today...

Colourful prints

Flowers will always find a way to grow
Kids will trample on them, rip at them, kill them...
But they'll always come back

They will repair themselves
Prove us wrong
They will re root and grow through concrete
We will comment on their appearance
They will cheer people up
Celebrate lost life
Sit in windowsills absorbing the sunlight
They are everywhere
Epitomy of a pretty countryside
Bring a smile to the saddest face
Help people embrace
Remind us of war lost heroes
Oh how I love them
Flowers
One of lifes pleasures

Unmarked Pavement

It didnt work out, I said
There was too much against it
Life isn't about riding a storm everyday
You can't keep fighting
Eventually we'll have nothing left

I wasnt particularly upset
I was just relieved it had ended some way
I was too exhausted
I wanted a new reason to live
So I'm off to find that

Not Even Sure Anymore

I don't know what to say
Does that surprise you?
I guess you always think I do
But tonight, not a whisper

I can't even tell you how I feel
It's all too much
Just a huge reel, spiralling round and round
I don't wanna tell you I'm a weak person but sometimes I feel I can be
Sometimes not even I can joke myself out of the pit

I wanted to tell you my dreams
I wanted you to know it all
But I figured out quickly, for what?
Why would I?
Do you even?

Silence spreads through the house
Its like we've left the street
Left our neighbourhood
Left the moment
Just silence and stress
Questions with no answers
Faces with no expression

Morning Scribbles

Silly little games
Thats all they play
Till that fateful, judgement day
Not a serious noise in the room
Jus banter and weakness.

Stretch out your legs
Make sure you have the room
To be all you can be
Ride that storm.

Don't get this twisted
This isn't a joke
This is really happening
I choose not to be hurt.

New routes in life are scary
It's like walking in the dark
But in order to grow up
You have to continue with that path.

One of my Favourite Things

Take yourself to the coast
Walk in silence towards the beach
Remove your shoes and let your feet sink into the sand
Feel the warm breeze cleanse you
Take a seat on a rock and look out at the sea before you
Breathe in deep, like you never have done
Close your eyes
Relax
The sun will keep you warm as it caresses your skin
This is your paradise
This is the reason we get up everyday
And work hard
Pushing our limits
For this... a moment
A moment alone with the sea
The waves crashing in towards you
The hot sunshine brightening every thing in existence
For the fresh sea air
For the blue skies
For the times ahead
For the ease

Take yourself to the coast
Walk along the beach
Remember what we live for..

Choking on my feelings

Such transparency in your actions
Such lies in your words
Your eyes are drenched in mistrust
I don't know how you sleep at night
Your words cause pain like no other
Your actions poison my oxygen
I can't deal with it anymore.

I feel free when you aren't around
Like I have no limits and no orders
Once you are back you kill the smiles
You starve me of happiness
You put me on edge.

I hate how you can be so up and so down
I hate how you make me feel unimportant
You take my confidence and switch it for insecurities
I struggle to get through my day

The worst thing of all is you probably don't even notice
You are too wrapped up in yourself
You swan around like nothing can touch you, but if I look closer I see damage
I see troubled messes
I see denial
I see ignorance
I see unhappiness and confusion
I would of been there, and helped you sort it
But you can't treat me your way
Your way is cruel
And I don't want that
I don't need you
I'm sorry but you're alone this time.

If life was perfect...

Gravelled walkways
Closed windows
Large fields of lost dreams
Sunshine fills our eyes
Take a moment for those who have been and gone
Sit and think of our lives
Lie under the sky and believe
Houses are our shrines
Work is our chore
Money just sticks to everything
Meaningless but so necessary
We fall heavy in love just as fast as we fall out
We argue till voices are strained
Tears stain pillows
Lives pass on by
Time is of the essence
Nothing in sight
Gravelled walkways
Closed windows
Large fields of lost dreams

My Body has Exhausted the Tears

if you see me, leave me
don't come and disturb me for i am not willing to listen to you any more

if you want to speak to me, ask me don't just shout at me
for who knows if ill ever forgive you and want to go back

i wont just sit here like i am typing this out and expect no reaction at all
i just want the calm
the smooth, the getting things sorted, and forgetting that interlude
the drama, the wasters, the "wish i had more timers"
just living it and getting on
and knowing life will change us

i cant control them and their moods and their patience
and i cant take back my words or my actions or my emotions
i felt it i feel it i know it and so do you
but that moment just when you did that
it was like you didn't have a clue

i was just told no, to get on with it and wished good luck
but i was outside it was raining and you didn't give a fuck
and all that i've been through and learnt from and wished i could return to
for those words to just fall out of your mouth

i wont try this any more, not with you, not ever and i will just change lanes change, direction and change myself forever

Falling for the one

Softly I shuffle around the room
I feel completely overwhelmed with my feelings
Whenever you look at me, I become unravelled... my stomach flips like I'm high on adrenaline
I can't remember my words or my thoughts or even who I am
You paralyze me

I look at my presence and I wish to do the same to you
I want you to feel transfixed on me
I want you to smile when you think of me
I want everything

I lie awake at night and you spin around my head
You take over me
I have existed for you
I need to meet you
We need to find eachothers path
We need to become a one
I spend a lifetime searching for the one

And sometimes I think I have found it

Who knows? Maybe I have

Steal Me Quick

Steal me away from this place
Take me quick before I change my mind
Pack all my belongings and meet me at the car
And promise me you will take me far
Don't ask me why or where
Just drive
Play songs that take me back to smiles and laughter
Remind me of my happiness
Tell me I'm yours and you love me with all you are
Make me feel special
Drive until the stars fill the sky
Take the roof off
Watch as my hair blows
As its free, free to do as it pleases
I will love you forever
We will be forever

Who decides?

What do I do when I hear such negativity?
Do I run as fast as my legs will take me till I fall over the edge of this earth?
Do I deny myself my life because it doesn't fit in with theirs?
Do I just ignore my heart as it breaks each time I shut it off?
Do I carry on my act?
Why the fuck should I?
Is this your problem?
Am I your problem?
Am I your possession?
Does it even affect you?
These books of rules written as scripture
What did they know way back when?
Did they see racism?
Did they foresee hate and war?
Did they depict crime in their commandments?
No!
They didnt
I didn't choose
It was just me
My being
My life

In My Parents I See It All

I look at my parents and I see beauty
I see fights against the storm
I see life with compromises
I see life with love
I see life with passion
I see a marriage with faults
I see a marriage with everything
I see  everything
I see Life
I see love
I see everything
No hurt
Real love
Real love
Everything
Love

Childhood Rhymes

Peak a boo
Can you see me?
I'm the one hiding under my mothers jumper
I spy, with my little eye
Can you find me?
I'm the one that's in my room planning a revolution
On your marks, get set
Go!
Can you outrun me?
I'm the one almost at the finish line
I'm the one with scars that tell a story or two
I'm the one who will aim for a laugh from you
I'm the one who loves a cuddle
Family is my driving force
Love is my destiny
I am just finding myself
Tiny steps
Like hopscotch, roll a dice, see where I end up

Trying

Talk at me till you're screaming
Till your voice is strained
Till you burst into tears
Keep at it until you're exhausted
And you can barely hold yourself up
Don't stop for a second
Please you will undo all you're fixing
Through the night and through the day
I'll sit here listening to you
It won't be easy
I'll want to leave
But keep going
Don't ever let me go

The Past Came Back

I came home
I was in shock
I wanted to react,  cry or something but I couldn't remember how to
I just sat in silence whilst my brain tried to breakdown what had just happened
It was just spinning
You shoulda, you coulda, what if
I felt sick
I had only thought about her that morning and 12hrs later we'd crossed paths
I thought I had made it up
I told people
It didnt sink in

Today I woke
It came to the front of my thoughts
Her face, her walk, the eyes said so much
You wouldn't understand though
No one ever knew her like me

Journeys - Can You See This?

tirelessly squinting at the sun
feeling numb but fighting the fears
dragging bags through mud and sludge
shoes ruined and ripped
the moisture starts seeping in
sinking in the floors as the roads entwine in forests and bushes and scratched skin
blood droplets on my clothes and my hands are worn
dry skin and strained skin and a face that should look so much younger
my hair is not pretty nor is it kept clean
boxes piled higher than my height and they keep falling
gravity arrives at the worst times
the rain decides to race to the floor
i am getting lost in the washed up sights
a car races past
covers me in its mess
drenched and tired and beat
trudging through the nights
doesn't mutter a sound though
just carries on
hills and slopes and scary surroundings
dawn is approaching
life is in bags and is starting to smudge in its ink
pictures are blurry
memories are scattered
not long now
not long now
keep going
nearly there

Trip

Take a trip into my mind and tell me what you see
Find my thoughts and my dreams and follow me
We'll fly higher than you knew we could go
And lower than you knew there could be
I'll lose you in thoughts and confuse you with love and wrap you up in surprises
You will walk through levels and twist and turn and you'll never want to leave

Rainy Days, Sunny spells

It rained more some days than others
But I always managed to save face
I'd just get on with it
Funny to say that though

For I would be offended
It'd bother me all day
But I'd just get on
N not allow it to get in my way

I don't moan to anyone
Not even if I could
Because that doesn't fix anything
And never makes me feel good

I just bury my head deeper
While my thoughts wonder
Still my stress surfaces
And I let go
Work out too hard
Over think
Battle my feelings
Disregard
Box it up, pack it up, hide it
Ignore it, drop it, forget it
Paint on my face
Take the shrug from my shoulders
Lift up my chin and smile

Hurts to say

No thoughts will be held
When the truth is spat out
The heart will collapse in pain
Noone will look at you
Feelings scream out in shame
You try picking yourself up as you are pushed to the floor
Not even they will help you anymore
Frustrations were building
To breathe was a chore
To smile so sweetly was becoming a lie
I took all that you gave me and I put it to use
And here you all stand before me watching me burn
I can't take it back but honestly why should I
Your wish was that I would be happy
And this is what I'm trying
Take back all the love
Take back all the lies
If you had your own way
Id be nowhere to be found

Two Tone

I caught all your tears
I defended any fight
I fell in love with you each time I looked at you
I am happy to admit

I would dream of you on a daily
N get lost in thoughts in the day
I would try and make you happy
But one day it fell away

*    *    *    *

I ask for honesty
I know you're hurting
I don't want secrets
I just want you
I battle my confidence
I ignore my fears
I plunge deep into love
For you all to see
My bravery came from nothing
But it won't ever leave my side
It will be my armour
Forever inside
I twist through memories
I forget the bad
Its all about the now
Stronger I become
Bigger and better
I could take on the world
For you, with you and even without
I know who I am
What I want
Why I'm here, alive and kicking ass
Smiling so hard
It surprises you
It fits
It suits
I'm happy

Just Time

Silently she sleeps getting lost in her fantasies
Dreaming of times she would return to in a heartbeat
Watching her life play out
Dreading the moments she hated
The moments that changed her
Faces from those days appear
She is fighting them to wake up
- it doesn't work
Hours go by and images are flashing past her
Those she loved, those who loved her
The arguments and the making up
Wrapped up in time
Time that has been and gone

Passing fields and fields of time
Unable to capture a thing
Tears fill the eyes for the memories
Trying to hold on
Digging nails into the floors of the times she misses
Like falling in love and remembering those kisses
Starting to wake to the sound of alarms
The time that's been starts to fade
Her eyes open
Her heart becomes heavy
She's awake in an empty room
Silence deafens as she tries to remember

Clearing out closets

I won't remember anything you say nor will I get upset
I'll let you walk away and I won't stop you
I won't get lost in your smile as I always have done
I won't remember your smell either
I'll just draw a line under all of our history
I'll erase all of our pictures
I won't remember a single memory
I can't do anything you said I could
And I have never been the strong person you said I was
I'll just be a nobody walking through my life
Without a spec of you insight
Because if I'm honest you weren't real anyway and you never took my pain away
You stocked up on lies and feelings of silence and tripped me out of the real life
I won't remember anything you say nor will I get upset
I'll lead you to the door and I'll walk away without a single regret

Dreams

I caught you in a dream
Took you in my bag and carried you through the night
I wanted to keep you forever
But I knew I wouldn't be able to

I spoke to you in a dream
It felt so real that when I woke I cried
I wanted to keep you forever
But I knew I wouldn't be able to

I tried to keep you in my thoughts
But your face became a blur
Your voice become disorientated
N I was left without a word

I just can't keep going on like this
Wishing you were here
I will always wake from dreams
And in turn you'll disappear
So I'll ask you that your kind and the time we spend is special
And then at least when you go away
The memory will stay
And I'll feel so much better

Queue

Absolutely terrified
Gripped your hand so hard I could hear you whince
There was a queue infront but it went through us so quickly
Shit it was nearly our turn
I was feeling so sick I thought I may be
I look to you and you say
"No not now, you'll have to wait"
I gulp and start to sweat
I can't do this I say to myself
My heart is thudding so loud I'm sure the whole room can hear it
Next
Shit !!!
I step forward
Hi my names Kimface..

Final performance

Sat in front of my mirror, brushing my hair, planning an outfit, applying my make up, not looking in my own eyes too often... music playing, plans awaiting my arrival

Strip my soul bare, uncloth all my layers, pull away the lies, tears will fall as I hear the brawl inside of my head keeping the secret... I'm fighting my way out of a room, one in which I created and I made and I struggle with oh too often

I can look and I can watch but thats where it all stops, the rest is all a matter of "lights, camera, action" and I'm just tired now. .. 27yrs of all this action and faking and just trying ever so to ignore my own heart my own gut and the now twisted lost in the dark mind

No longer
I'm done curtains fall to the ground and bow it out for the last time

Thanks for coming

Pointless entities

What do I mean?
I don't have a clue
I'm just sat waiting after asking you
I mean surely you know why we are here and what will be clear and what won't
I mean what is all this if just a load of old shit and just messing around with no cause
I mean I don't love you and don't have a clue and you would fcuk anything that walks
I don't ask for lies or favours as such; just a large shoulder or arm
To carry me up or prod me up and to stop me from falling down
So no I don't know and you haven't answered and patients are few and life is chaotic and questions and waiting and hoping and praying ain't got me any closer to an answer
So leave it all shall we?
Brush it away and just pack up and go on with our journeys
And I'll carry on writing and struggling and living whilst you get your kicks off another
I don't need it if I'm honest and can't stand the lying
I feel nothing and want nothing
I have no attraction nor will I ever
So lets just end it with that. ..

... oh shit

It hit me, there was noone to call. I looked at my phone blankly. .. scrolled through names and was left empty. When did this happen? To go from some to none... left me feeling sad, almost alone... so I wrote it down.
Better to think it may be, rather than a won't be.

But I add on to this thought
Where did all the good people go?
The ones who were true to you
Those who didn't use you
They would be there no matter what
Pick up the phone, drop around
Did I sleep through the life when this happened?
I'm not upset because I can't remember having such luck
And I'm not dwelling on life
I just wonder why all these names bring no attachment?
Why I have nobody to call on?
Why I live in words and not presence?

Who you are

When you get it
Hold on
Don't ever let it go
For we only have one shot
One life
One journey
One chance
Hold on with everything you are
Squeeze it till your hands hurts
Till it cuts into you
Deeper than an emotion
Deeper than a tattoo
Forever

Say something real...

Say something... I'm giving up on you
I seriously cant just keep the truth
Im drowning in all of your lies
I wish youd look me in the eye
I see the shit roll from your tongue
I read the stuff you sell on
I hear you talk behind my back
Yet you still think I won't crack
You told me all of your secrets
You cried your pain on to my floor
You think you can carry on like this
N I'll just keep quiet?
I can't take anymore
I'm tired of your dumb ass games
I'm tired of being your play thing
I'm sick of you
I'm over you
My phone will be quiet. .. but at least when it rings it'll be real
Not this lie
Not this immature wasteman
Not of you

Your life

Walk with caution
Look out for the traps
Don't listen to what they say
They'll never change
Remember who you are
Nothing else matters
No one else matters
Just you
Your path
Your choice
Your decisions
Stick by them
Don't let people influence them
Only you
Your voice
Your rules
Your life

The performance

The stage was lit
It was getting late
The backstage area was cold and dimly lit
I was going through my notes
Rehearsing in my head
I wasnt sure who had come tonight
And I was too scared to look
They sent the chime through the theater
It was quite exciting
To know in just moments I was going to bare my soul to loads of faces
The nerves had started but quite soon became numb once the vodka had kicked in
That was my prompt
Off I went
Walking round the corridor approaching the stairs
The stage was eery
No noise was surrounding it
I stepped up
My heart sunk
One face in all this
Rows and rows of seats
And just one face
I walked up to the mic
"Thanks for coming..... "

Fantasies and dreams

When I get it I'll let you know
It will be a find I tell you
Keep stumbling thinking I know
But clearly I don't

Not sure why this happens
I guess my mouth speaks words of untruth
So much so I create
And eventually end up with a fantasy
One that isn't ever real

I want what you have
Yet I keep thinking I've found it
I look back at my past fondly
When it was anything but
I let you meet n greet them
I think it's real
But it isn't n the feelings don't exist

It is starting to hurt me
It doesn't bring me down
It just worries me that I can be so wrong
They never change
They jus come back again and do it worse this time
Leave me reeling
Leave me positively empty
With just this dream and some tears
And this mess on my carpet

I do try not to
I do try letting it go
But I also try everso to make you lot see I'm just not the same make up
I do things differently
With different people
I get on by quite happily on my own
Yes nothing is certain
Alone isn't my plan either
But its all I feel right now
Tricking myself into this that and other
Only ever leaves me myself and I

Death && Taxes

Whats with all this death and taxes?
Death and sadness
Death and leaving
No explanation
Just pop and they're gone gone
Never to come back back
And it's meant to be taken as okay
Normal
Get with it get over it move on
New day new moment another breath
Noone explains
Just the name and the age
Like it makes a difference
Like older means its alright
N younger cuz its stolen life
I just hate it
I dread it
It pulls me deep into the soil
It drowns my smile
I don't know what to think
Or what to believe
Just a word and its on with the next
Like its a routine
Like lifes some kinda dream
A nightmare when it ends
Do we know?
Do we feel it?
Can I even ask this?
Will it hurt your feelings?
Do we go anywhere?
Or does life just end?
Does it just stop?
Then what? Another game of cards
See what we dealt
See if it's me next
Or you next
Or give me a fcukin clue
Death and taxes
Death and sadness
Death and never know what's gunna happen next

One day

One day
I will be ok
And when I say ok, I'm not lying
One day
I will not feel the hurt
I'll have learnt the lesson
One day
Ill just be happy
And I'll live each day as I want to
One day
It will just be how it should
Noone will use me
Noone will make me feel like shit
I will be strong enough to battle through
One day....

Find Me

come and find me

take my hand

ill be the one in silence under the coats

ill be praying for them

missing them

wishing i could see them

but id never tell you

id keep it wrapped up

so tight it hurts to move

hurts to breathe

sometimes i get caught

sometimes i get scared

i wish and think too much

i hear it all too often

i hear them say oh she doesn't know when to stop, when to shut up

but i worry

i fear being older

people get older too

people leave you

people leave life

they just go without a manual

without any explanation

you sit there struggling as the tears burn your face

as they splash onto the floor

as they stain the clothes

as you wish so hard... what would they say

what advice would they pass on 

please be here 

you're screaming

it's just too much

you scream so loud your voice burns out

you cant cry

you cant be angry

you're just stuck

you just run

you just hide 

you grab what you can and you bury deep

you bury yourself so deep no one can find you

.....come and find me 

take my hand

Ill be the one in silence under the coats 

Steps

I wasn't sure where to go today
everywhere seemed consumed by life
I just needed the air tonight - somewhere free

I must have walked for hours searching for that peace of mind
sometimes I feel I spend my life looking
I didn't want anyone knowing the depths I was swimming in
no need to worry them
just plod on with it I think to myself
until the day you find it

I came across them today
they soothed every part of my being
spring cleaned my mind of its stress and worry
and cleaned up the messes people had left behind
the steps
the steps that kept me in the right direction
they knew to take me higher
knew I would cope

I wasn't sure what to say today
so I snuck off
blended in with the dark heavy grey clouds
fragmented rain
the blistering wind
I let it take me off the ground
I let it blow me into the distance
I landed suddenly
the steps caught my fall
they were there ready to deal with it all
again
steps
steps of relief
steps of certainty.

The Cave

Grabbing everything
Dragging it to your cave
Telling it you will love it like no other
Being brave
Don't whisper not even a word
Watch the flames from the forest fire
Don't get too lost
For fire will hypnotise the strongest eye
Make a wish
Hold it tight
Don't let the words escape tonight
Look up high
Towards the sky
And know the stars came for us
To take away the darkness
Instil some hope
Guard us from badness
Ssssh
Not a sound
Close your eyes
Sleep tonight
For tomorrow will be different
Better
Keeping the hope

Become better

I'm not stupid
I know you're ignoring me
And I try so hard to think this is a reflection of you
See, I know I do all I can for you and I care more than you'll ever know
Yet you jus ignore me
Brush me aside like trash
Pop up on your terms when you're bored
And I sit in my thoughts blaming myself
I allow my mood to break
I try hard not to become upset
I try so hard to forget
But I can't
I won't
I shouldn't have to
You should treat me better
I should learn to let go when you don't...

From the outside

If there was a book
Id be missing pages
If it were a song
I'd never learn the words
I would just be sat there
In the loudest room
Filled with people
Knowing the dance moves
And not be involved

Cuz I just didn't get it
The memo missed my inbox
I google it daily
And still not an inkling
I feel lost
I feel alone
But please don't say I ever moan
Cuz quietly I sit
Watching the actions
Feeling the warmth
From the outside, looking in

Whats the worst?

Watch me as I walk towards them
Nothing in my way
Nothing to hide
Stronger than they realise

Don't let them interrupt me as I start
Don't let a bad word be said to me
Tell me you'll be there for me

What's the worst, I said before today
What could they ever really do?
Who knew this n that would be here?

Watch me as I walk towards them
Don't draw attention to my trembling hands
Don't let them see the fear behind my eyes
Help me breathe calmly

Stood against the wind
Face is getting cold
Wish I was wrapped up
At home with my man
But instead here making points
Strutting my beliefs
Tryna look hard
Frontin' them out
Sticking my all in
What's the worst?

If only for the night

If only for the night
I'd go back to so many places
Just to see the faces the young me would make
If only for the night
I'd quickly visit those people who no longer visit me
If only for the night
I'd want to see them all, sit them all down and ask every question in my heart before they leave us
If only for the night
I'd watch back times I loved
Those times that bring a tear
Those times I fell in love
Those times I always remember
If only for the night
I'd be someplace different
In a different head space
Different age
Different moment
If only... for the night

We wait

So come and sit with me
Watch the sea come in and dampen our feet
But never dampen your spirit

We sit and watch the sun go down
Hide behind the waves
Leave us for another day

The stars arrive on schedule
And we point out the brightest
For it only just joined
It left us here and went above

All we had was memories
The happiness you brought
N the sorrow you left behind

But we watched you
We watched you in the element you felt content in
Yes we had lost you physically
But you'll always be up there
Watching us live
As time gets old and we come and join you
Never forgotten

RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS
"Genie, you are free"

Problem

We knew something had happened
For noone would look at us straight
It was like looking too long would give them away
They weren't stupid they were just dishonest
They would be the people who would make a fuss for people in the know or with money
Just your average
That was us
Nothing special
Nothing to write home about
Just making a living like everybody else
But they didn't see us like that
They saw us as a problem
The problem
They would never guess we were a force to be reckoned with
Mark my words

.... they'd all see it eventually

Gesture

Think about it they said
See what you think
It won't be forever
Just until you feel ready
Jus until you feel confident
They wont hurt you
They never meant to last time
Come on
Jus give it one chance
If it goes wrong we'll catch you
We always catch you
You'll be so happy you tried
You'd be so happy
You wannabe happy don't you?

Ripped Jeans

I don't ask anyone to come in anymore
for the room is just falling apart
the house isn't the bright and breezy place it once was to me 
I look around at scattered life falling off chairs and marking my walls and it makes me sad
I don't ask anyone to come over anymore 
- for to see this, would open a can of worms

I tried to clean it all up today
the rain was falling down outside and I didn't want to venture out
but the stains wouldn't budge from the surface
I seemed to just make them worse
I don't ask anyone to help me anymore
for I don't even know what I am trying to do

the night rolled around faster today than I am used to
the clouds filled the sky and then it turned black
I walked outside into my garden and I looked up
I saw the glistening planets in the distance 
all blinking at me 
I felt the emotions build up inside me 
I couldn't keep it back anymore
I couldn't hide it from anyone
I was just stood there and it felt like the sky was falling in on me
it became darker and it became colder 
and I started to shiver 
and I started to worry

I don't ask anyone to come in anymore
for the room is just too messy
the place is falling down around me
and I am starting to feel trapped
I want to become the free bird I always was
the one who wanted to fly higher than anyone
to touch the clouds with my hands
to just disappear when I wanted to 
not to be tied down
not to be kept in a box
not to be packed up
not to be labelled
not to belong to anyone but myself
to be my own person
to grow up and become better
work harder
try harder
go hard or go home I say
its all I can muster
do everything in your power
and when you can't give anymore
time-out
call it a day
pack yourselves up and be on your way
and walk down the untried roads
entwining with dreams and nightmares
entangled in my past and future worries
and all boxed up with a bow
and try and outrun me 
see how fast you can go
trust me I will go faster than you
I will sprint
I will let my feet bleed
I will let myself ache so much I feel sick
I'll be sick
I'll outrun you
watch me go
see me leave
see me in the distance climbing a tree
climbing so high
seeing it all
standing on top of the tallest branch
holding on
balancing 
letting go
feeling free
to the ground 
I will fall
watch me now 
don't catch my fall
let me be what I will be 
don't you ever try and stop me....

Tuesday thoughts

If you asked me to tell you.... you'd wanna rewind time for eternity. Not even I could handle this truth #TuesdayThoughts

Forget

Don't I say as I am rushing around
Seriously just don't
I don't think I could handle it again
Not by myself
Not here
Not like this

Quickkk I think to myself
Time won't wait
Time never does
It always suits itself- but that's life
I really wish this could be different
You know
Different circumstances
Different reasons
But it's now it's here and it's us

Just all ignoring each other
All passing by without even a look in one's eyes
Just an ignorant flare of bitch
Just people up themselves
People forgetting what they had
This isn't school
We won't be better tomorrow or in a week
This is adulthood
Real hood
Real life
The now
And as you carry on... I slip away

The Bed

The news hit me hard, I am not going to lie to you
I couldn't get my head around it, I threw things at walls, ripped up pictures, letters, memories..
I paced my room for hours before I found the strength to accept their offer and go and visit you

I can remember the weather, I don't know why I feel this as important but its funny what your mind remembers at times like these
it was sunny, and warm and people were happy and smiley as I passed them in the car
I wasn't talking that day, I listened to Radio 1 in silence as everyone tried to make small talk with me

I won't ever know why I found this so hard, I mean come on we were a lifetime ago but it's funny how your heart reacts at times like these
The walk to your room was the longest and hardest walk I can recall in my life
and I knew that when I saw you in the bed I would crumble
But I kept going on, kept putting one foot in front of the other and wishing so hard someone would take hold of my hand and take this guilt from me
You understand me don't you, when I say guilt
we weren't in each other's lives but I felt and still feel guilt
it doesn't just go away
you don't just go away.

I asked for a moment on my own, can you believe it, bitch got balls ay
The corridor you were on was silent
maybe out of respect I thought but its rare for a hospital I found
the silence was too noisy at that moment.

I sobbed as the door became ajar as I walked in
The bed I can recall the most
it was a white metal framed bed
your room was so medical with its blinding white walls and white side table and white side lamp
there was a television in the corner to my left, it was mounted to the wall, it was off
the curtains were open and cards and flowers filled your windowsill
there was a white dressing gown and a white chair by your bed.
I walked over with energy I can only imagine was coming from the overwhelming feeling in this room
feeling of hurt, and love and guilt... it was choking me
I looked at you, your eyes closed, strapped up to machines, the bed still
the bed was freshly made with you underneath its covers like it never moved... not even a crease
Now, I thought to myself... Now what?

Together

Together we are strong
better
together forever
we balance each other
we make each other
smiles
laughter
love
future
together we are better
better together
forever
we answer each other
we complete each other
we understand each other
he gets me and I get him
home when I am with him
just easy
being myself
Together we are strong
no longer lost
found him
found me
found us

Not as Much as We Would Like

Tell me, when you looked at it what did you see?
I sit down next to you and I take your hand
We just absorb the silence
The area is just trees and grass and the height of our world is in all its glory

I exhale slowly and I watch the grass blow on my feet
I try ever so not to disturb you
I can see you lost in thoughts

I wasn't ever here to stop the pain
I was here to ease it though
I am trying ever so not to disturb you
I can see you are thinking hard

Tell me, what do you see when you look down the bank of these hills?
When the birds utter noises in our direction
as the wind is trying ever so not to disturb you
we all know you are lost in your heart

Time has passed slowly for us all today
but we wouldn't want it any other way
for we came to visit the memories and we came to remember you
The clouds stayed white and bright above
No rain today...

He must of known
You are so quiet though Mum
the tears have fallen down your cheeks
You are fixated on the ground
I hold your hand tighter
I tell you I am here
I am trying ever so to be here for you
and forever I shall be

Insincerely Yours

I wont lie to you
these days my life has got tough
the level has increased and most days I struggle to finish my lap

but I take a moment
I think of all I have
I think of all the amazing moments I share with those I love

But it's these people that hurt me
I watch them walk with their loved "one"
there soul mates
as they get in their car
drop me here drop me there
and I am the singular
the one with the table for one
single return
double bed with one body

I know I have so much
but this gets me every time
like the round in a quiz i could never win
counting in evens
evens stevens
odds dont work
odds make the crowd
I'm the crowd
I'm the one alone
I am the one that strides on by on her way to her place to watch TV alone


I wont lie to you
these days my life has got tough
the level has increased and most days I struggle to finish my lap
but unlike most, I continue, I finish, by myself
Me, Myself and I are one hell of a force to be reckoned with.

The Curtain

'I saw it again tonight', I said to myself as I got home
this is not a figment of my imagination
I wondered, as I settled down for the night, if I would see it again tomorrow


*                               *                               *

It was a colder morning than we had got used to
it seemed like the sun would never leave us, after the summer we had just had
I was up and ready to leave for work
I walked down the familiar grounds of my neighbourhood fiddling with my headphone cord
muttering to myself about the meeting that I was chairing in a few short hours

Waiting at the lights I was approaching that house again
I was early so I slowed down my pace
It was coming up on my right
I stopped outside to tie my lace that was already sufficiently fastened
Nothing..
I put my bag down and started checking through my packed lunch, knowing full well it was all there
It moved
The curtain was moving
I didn't see anything the other side but with these net curtains what can you really see anyway
I heard a movement, they were walking towards me, towards the front door
I jolted, I grabbed my bag and ran... too scared to look back
too scared to even wonder

I was on the bus, I was listening to my chilled out album
when I was feeling anything but

Don't Touch The Painting

The room was all ready
the guests would all be blown away
the floor was shining so bright it could blind you
the decorations mirrored the message of today
of the reason for the publicity... why they were all coming

the music was playing quietly in the background,
the songs they all would recognise
the lyrics they all would know

the doors kept the people out as the final preps were made
the mic was turned on at the front of the hall
the spotlight was fixed to the stage
and there she sat
the painting....

the bell struck the hour and the doors were opened
in came the crowds of people
shuffling in as they did
calmly they took their seats

"Welcome, Welcome" said the host
" I thank you all for your patience and commitment"
The cloth fell to the floor to reveal her
the painting..
the room fell silent for a few moments as every ones eyes absorbed the sight
then a cheer and a whoop
"All hail she... for one night only..."

if we could

if we just ran away
who would know
would they look for us
if we sat up in the night sky and watched the day grow up
what would we talk about
would we talk about life and how meeting each other was so important
we would talk about the world and how we would visit everything
how we would grow old
drinking the liquor they sold and watching our faces grow old
we would drive so fast
the corners we will miss
we would screech to a halt because that is our way
they would talk about how we travelled so far
and we fell so hard
the day we wed the tears would fall for the future and promises
they called us tonight
cammed' all night
smiles and tears
and realising how happy
one person can be
two people can become
life
if only we knew

tell me who knows

we are all just travelling
travelling through the hardest times of our lives
and nobody is able to see
we have noone to see how the life will play out
yet we all just carry on
we all just carry the heaviest loads like its normal
like we are meant to
like its our role
like we are here to perform this task
like struggling is easy
like we want to be this way
like we are proud
like we like it
like we brag
like we go on like we are paid the most
earning the most
paying the most on clothes cars and houses
who knew
we are all struggling
to be ourselves
on a daily
struggle
fights
fought
won
lost
fighting
till our last days
we are all just travelling

tell me who knows

we are all just travelling
travelling through the hardest times of our lives

I didn't know my own strength
Whitney is just truly amazing

Continue In This Direction

you never failed
there was never a test to sit
you just took all the chances you wanted to
and ended up here
don't fear though
it would never have been any different
for this is the path of your life
and only you
and no one can ever make you change where you've been
you never failed
as there was never a test to sit
so stop the tears
pick up your shoulders
forget the pride
and just carry on striving
striving through adversity
all yours
all for you
no fail
just passing every moment and reaping rewards.
continue my spirit, continue

Not Ever Knowing

Don't try to keep me for I can't stay
don't try to catch me for I was never yours to own
For I was never here and you were just a figment of ones imagination
listen as I pace the room looking for the answers to your questions
trying to find the whys and struggling to find the whats'
but still continuing with the search

I never knew quite what I was to be to you
but I will repeat - I was never here and you were just a figment

I often look at the stone in which you are under
in my mind from memories kept and locked tight
I try so hard to muster the what you were like 
I wonder if like me you struggled to see the reasons behind 
all the moments and dreams that fly on by
I wonder what you would have said had you met me now
if this is normal and if that cloud - the one above that follows me 
will eventually leave me
and let me catch up on my sure to shine again glee.

I wont be scared any more I whisper
as I know not what I feared any more
I look hard at the pictures but
I struggle to read my own eyes 
the lies behind the glazed out expression
the lies behind the lies of truth
dare'nt say what I think 
take those thoughts with me 

not just a moment 
not just a life
not just a death or departure
but a whole secret of secrets 
lessons ill never learn
experiences ill never have
all taken with and buried 
6 foot under...

Don't try to keep me for I can't stay
don't try to catch me for I was never yours to own
For I was never here and you were just a figment of ones imagination

I don't fit like I used to

I thought I had lost you
all bundled up together and sealed with regret
went on a mission for 10 years
and then boom... least expect it and you were found
I read the words you wrote to me
how you felt for me and it hurts
but it hurts for the good
it was nice to know I was wanted so much
loved so much
needed, liked, adored

I thought I had lost you
your face had become blurred
you were in dreams now and then but blurred
now I had you
the seal had been broken 
there was no longer a feeling of regret
I didn't miss you
I had just forgotten
been so many places since
it felt weird to know you had ever happened
but you had
you were a big deal back in the day
now you are just a face, and words wrapped up in past
in a drawer in my bedroom
I thought I had lost you
I had.. I have
you no longer mean what you did....

Nothing does.

When one door closes, a window opens... it's time to climb through it

and if I told you it didn't hurt, I'd be lying
I would be just as bad as the others
If I just carried on hiding my feelings.. like they do

Truth is I am sad, saddened by the departure, saddened for the end
I know I was not the same person for a long time but I was at least a person
I had a reason to wake up
but I was changing and I didn't want to
I like the person I am and I didn't want to lose that

I tell you because I want someone to read the way I feel
I want you to remember why I left
I was losing myself
I wasn't as sensitive or as funny as I am
I barely let a smile slip from the fixed blank expression during my day
I came home exhausted from the sadness and utter dismay at being this way
I worked too hard at the gym I have damaged my body
I had rows over nothing and was becoming more and more detached

I wanted to be the girl who was happy, had it all
the house the family the friends and the job that wrapped me up in a smile
but it wasn't happening

I left, I walked out the door and I drank with these people who would miss me
I listened to them talk about the escapades of the place we were linked through and I felt upset that I would no longer be a part
but I can't fix on this
I couldn't be me
I couldn't be happy
I did it all for the right reasons 
and when that thought creeps up on me and tries to tell me different
I must remember this 
the truth
the way I feel

now I am free
looking for a fresh new start
a new place with new people and the chance to keep my smile fixed
and to remove this blank canvas

a toast, to my future
it starts now

snip

Talking to the wall again
its nodding its head again
its telling me to carry on cuz eventually theyll miss me

B Road

(not a reflection of my mood today - it is my 27th bday today and I am feeling great)


The room seemed empty now that the furniture was taken away 
the walls had the markings of our lives from the days that had gone 
pictures were piled high in boxes of our faces, from childhood to now
the time seemed to be such a small space - but years had been fitted in
neither of us had any words 
we all just kind of sat around wondering what to do 
overwhelmed with our own feelings
bursting with tears
it was a sad day
countless years spent growing and developing in such a castle of a surround
now just seemed so bare, empty and pretty dead
I walked to my old room - the box I had shut myself off to so often as a teenager
I heard the voices, the laughing, the crying, the slamming of doors, 
I remembered the hangovers and parties and birthdays and deaths
all just boxed up tight, gaffa taped shut
boxed high and above our wildest dreams
the garden became silent, the silence was deafening
no TV, no family table, no pets running around making a mockery, no hoover, no music, no showers or internet wires, no candles, or paintings or pictures of weddings, no ironing, no flowers, no bustling lives crashing in the morning, no rushing to work, no waking up late, no going to school, no window cleaner, or next door neighbour, or hangover cure, 
just a shell, the soul has ejected, the lives not forgotten just removed, the markings on the walls, the remembering it all, the trying so hard not to fight it
for we have to leave it, our key we should put down, the moments all brimming up in our faces, the excitement for new but upset for leaving behind the things we did love.
I shall still use the gym and I shall still walk past the place that I grew up to be 
the person I am now, shall lift up my head and full of strength, shall depart

Not much else to say but to close with this thought that all of these things eventually shall end
but I shan't forget, I shall always remember the little girl running up those stairs, choosing that room, and loving it
looking out of the window at what I thought was the whole world, 
it is funny cuz the other day, I sat just looking out like I used to and I realised what I had once thought was soo big... is not really... 

Thank you for reading. 

1995- 2014