Blurry Lives Entwined... PT. 1

Stepping stones rain makes them slippy
being careful but forgetting why
knowing we are getting somewhere but not knowing where 

I took your hand, as I was sure I could help you
we travelled for months through the world together, blurry, entwined
We used to sit and talk for hours about what and where we could see ourselves in the years to come
together, forever, blurry, entwined


We grew older and we got closer and we began to feel stronger for each other
the friendship was a seed at the start and now it had grown to a forest,
but weather came in thick and fast
and trashed the roots and took the strength 
entwined one moment, lost and alone the next....

Wishing it could mean more, be more
expect it to be more important to others than it ever is
the feeling of disappointment, a frequent thought
the heart aching for more
never having its fill
pouring its insides out on to the floor
for you all to moan and clean it up- shouting never understanding
for you lot so simple these feelings, these acts of love 
the ease of life you all carry and flaunt in your dailies
not a consideration for those who lost the battle
who tried to fight it by running so fast the legs got damaged more and more
the legs grew tired and bled and ached some more
and no one could help me and no one could see me
and no one cared a little or at all
and it was just try harder come on girl, try HARDER 
TRY SO HARD THE TEARS FALL FOREVER
who cares 
why be happy when you can be normal why be normal when you can be happy
happy? wtf is that anyway, when your insides are hollowed out like a pumpkin
nothing left just the remains of what was
and now as the days grow darker and the fingers ache in fear and hate and just basic 'fucked off ness'
we all start to calm it down
to shake it off
to give your head a wobble and we just say OK
so that's all of you and this is me
and i will be all i know how to be
BUT i wont accept it just as this I tell you
I WILL FIX IT UP IF IT KILLS ME
FINISHES ME OFF FOR GOOD
if just to say, I felt what you all feel too
if just for one day
one moment, one second
just to say I felt it too
blurry, are the feelings as they swallow up my lack of feeling
drown all my thinking and just entwine 
smash into each other 
blurry lives entwined... 

When

Listen as you read... 

Slowly the night falls in around me 
outside the window all I see is dark blue skies 
I start to think about cooking my meal and I realise another day has been n gone

I don't want to remember every detail
it does feel like only some stay so clear 
it wasn't a denial you must note, it just crept on in silently
like at the back of a church during a service
not a sound but I felt the presence

I put the heating setting lower as I prepare for sleep
its getting on for midnight
cars are not as hectic now 
houses fall silent around me 
I feel like the only one awake sometimes - should that be a concern to you?

the phone goes on and on, beeping with messages from them all 
busy in their lives but finding the moments to reply
everyone just carrying on carrying on
darker nights now, less light in the day
preparing for the cold - although it doesn't seem to leave us much any more
months just flicking by like the metro paper in the morning searching for the star signs


reading theirs thinking, ooo how is it relevant
looking for a sign in everyone's column
wishing i knew the workings of other peoples minds- but realising I am still learning to understand my own
searching for the memories but realising its the lessons I am to remember 

rain used to be such a chore when i was younger - now I enjoy it
feels like it cleanses and washes shit away
the night is well and truly here, as I type it all away to you whilst lying on my bed
realising how often I try to switch certain switches off, I forget a lot as I do

health can be a worry to us all, no one is honest about their personal pains any more
find these things out as we go, like surprises but not the nice kinds
people just walking out on life, without anything as a goodbye
just off they go, leave you alone on that bench in that park of ruins
leaves fall, blow in the breeze and die as they do year in, year out

When does it end we ask?
Should I treat each day as my last?
Will they forget the spiteful words I spat that day?
Will they know I was just upset?
Knowing that sometimes these things just go exactly as they should... nothing else you can do about it 


Don't worry I am okay :) 
Just washing up the messy plates in my minds eye....