And although you have brought nothing but dread you are a part of me
I lean over in my usual sleep routine and you remind me you are there
You cause me pain and I worry and you cause me a scare
I get myself ready for work in my robotic way
And I catch myself looking at my body
What an absolute shame that I never gave much positivity to myself when I had nothing wrong with me
How I spent several years bad mouthing and hating on a figure that was healthy
How now I’m left with no option but to lose it
The dates are lingering over my head daily
I am not sure how long I have left with my full body
But what that horrible disease has taught me in such short time
Is how important life really is
How quickly your security of living can be altered and changed
How actual reality is not something we own but something we borrow
That when I really think about my life so far I’ve actually been lucky
That this tumour has changed my whole outlook
And although I’m still terrified and scared and grieving my body
I know that when you are cut away from me that’s my journey
The road is not over and is far out ahead
These scars will remind me of when it almost ended
The cells in my body changed and with it so did my outlook
The outlook no longer including such small minded thoughts
For we are blessed with anatomy that is keeping us alive and you should never take for granted any part
You should never body shame yourself or dislike who you are
You should not search for a perfection that you already are
We should not be bombarded with cruel media of trolls
Because until you feel how I feel
Until you lie in your bed holding onto a part of your body you will lose
A part of your body that has to be taken away
For that is when you truly accept yourself
Trust me I would do anything to keep it
But it’s making me ill
But I will definitely miss it
