Such a broken piece I cannot fix

What do I tell myself 

I can see the room 

I am sat waiting to go in 

What are we even here for anyway

Fucks sake it’s just so little time in the grand scheme of it all

You stand there in a kitchen having what feels like such a chilled out irrelevant conversation and then bam it’s the last you ever had

I can’t even tell you how I should feel

Closest relative I’ve ever lost

If I’m really honest

A father in law is like a second Dad

When my Dad fell Ill it’s what gave me comfort

He was my “second” Dad

I sit here and I feel gutted 

And I still feel numb 

6months on

From the heightened emotions of the calls and the waiting 

The calls from hospital with the updates

Phones in lessons as I waited for a text

Updates of good and bad and oxygen levels

From nowhere

All the time thinking how the fuck is this even happening?

Daylight isnt the same

Holidays

We used to arrive in a place as a couple and call him 

Tell him about the camper or the weather or journey 

Any concerns on the vehicle or direction 

We got abroad in April and I wanted us to call him 

Tell him about the flight or the wait at passport control 

Hear his annoyance at the system but also give us that support 

See he never had emotional sentiment but everything he did was just that

Some people say I love you

But Roger was helpful and involved 

What we said mattered

He wanted us to know so much 

Information was his fortee

It still doesn’t feel right

Nothing feels complete

Keep looking for the emptiness in our existence 

He left such a gap 

A gap that cannot be filled

We just paint over the cracks hoping no one notices the elephant in the room 

He wasn’t perfect but what he brought is missed

It’s hard to forget such a force of nature 

My wife’s idol 

My father in law

Roger

Mask it till you make it

So the time is upon me 

It’s getting ever nearer and the nerves are becoming unbearable 

I draw on my smile and tell you I’m fine but in reality I want to run and hide 

For this appointment will confirm all of our fears and worries 

It will give detail to this killer army of cells that invaded my body 

That took with it my life and normality 

That dragged me through the woods blindfolded and scared 

Screaming without a voice 

Crying without a tear

I am not allowed to say no because it will kill me 

But to experience the unknown is killing me too 

The waiting is the worst 

Sitting there as days just disappear 

Feels like I’m wasting my time 

I can’t do what I want because I’m not well or it’s a risk 

Sleeping is just more turmoil as my thoughts play out horror movies over and over 

People from the low days come back to haunt me 

Then I wake and it’s another day with C

Another day of discomfort and trying to like my new self 

Helping something heal that will one day be reopened 

No one has the words for me

They pull that expression that I hate to see

They say the words that make me want to scream 

For this is not my fault 

This is not being brave or strong 

It came one day and grew and now it’s making everything I’ve ever made, ill 

All those years of looking after my body and eating well and exercising 

Getting active and fit and lifting weights

Beating covid and getting through painful infections and accidents

For what?

For you to just storm in and destroy it all 

Literally throw my life upside down 

Throw the lives of my family and friends into disarray 

Why?

Did I do something wrong ? Is this karma ? Am I a bad person ?

No? Unlucky you say?

Really is that word even worthy of such a devilish thing 

Unlucky is missing the hoop or the net in sport 

Missing a bus

Not this 

Stage 2 destroyer 

I’m still so angry 

Still so sorry for what I will be enduring 

Because it’s not over is it

I mean honestly ? When will it be

Yes eventually the treatment will end but then what 

The waiting 

Waiting and biding time before the next time or praying I hit 5 years to have some sense of relief

But more treatment 

Menopause 

Infertility 

Surgery 

Scars 

So many wounds but those are what you see

For inside 

Inside my heart and my head 

I am a bewildered child again 

Not quite understanding why me 

It just happens doesn’t cut it

Searching for an answer google will never find 

A justification for just some cruel disgusting reality 

This C has taken enough already

Not sure I have enough in me to keep going 

So I pour this out in the hope it helps

Or at least takes some weight from my shoulders 

Throws the thoughts into the universe and waits for a solution 

Until then I will attend my cycles 

Sit there and watch it go in 

Do as I’m told

Because even if I am so sad and gutted by my reality

I was always the child to do as I’m told 

Even if I didn’t understand the reason 

Mask it till you make it as only an ASD female can

Mr Moo

My mum has always talked about Crispin her GR from when she was young

But I’d never been a dog person because we’d always had cats

They say you are either one or the other 

But after almost 8 years with our pooch I’m both.

I can remember meeting him at our childhood home 

P was with me and she was so happy to see a dog again 

I don’t know why but I felt nervous of his arrival 

God knows why 

Mr moo was my guide for a long time when I was lost 

He was my get out of bed call and I was taken in by his presence 

When I walked him during a difficult year he made me feel ok and safe 

He never pooed in places he shouldn’t with me 

He sat with me on a hill after my ankle gave way and waited whilst in pain I cried 

He wouldn’t let go of a dead rat this one time 

He was running at people in the park with this half eaten rat 

I remember him being trained as a puppy 

And always running at me when I came over 

I told him so much 

He has this look that tells me not only is he listening to every word but that I matter 

What I’m saying matters 

I saw him last weekend 

He was so excited to see me 

He jumped up to me and I was annoyed I was in white 

Why is it I have the stupid thoughts at such good times?

I asked him if he knew about my illness 

His look was deep and almost sympathetic 

I brushed him for hours 

That’s what I did

I got him cute toys treats and brushed out his knots

I used to stand him up to dance with him 

Get him to give me two paws 

And gave him head massages 

This time even a shoulder one 

I never wanted to say good bye to such a friendly dog and absolute anchor to our family 

But my illness is something else we share

Along with some of the best walks I’ve ever had 

He was such a supportive companion

And he gave me such strength at my lowest times 

I am forever grateful to Dystran for being part of our family and to us all a real anchor and rock in some of the hardest years of our lives 

Mr Moo 

I will never forget you

Wish this wasn’t your time 

PS wish I’d been with you in France 🇫🇷 

Those walks we could have gone on