Joey, my beautiful cat

I miss you
I miss your face, your eyes and your fluffy tail and paws
I miss the massages on my arms you used to give me
I miss your lil noises your miaow and your cleaning rituals
I miss your comfort and your affection
I miss your scent and the thickness of your fur
I miss how you'd sit and listen to me ramble on
I looked to you for advice and in my heart I felt you gave it
You calmed down rows
You made us feel needed on dark days
You were beautiful
You were Joey
I will love you forever
The pain of you leaving us last night is deep and it hurts
But i trust that you are near and you will guide us through it
Like you did
Through no work and stress and anxiety
And grief of other pets and family
Through life you were with us
On holidays and sunny days and long cold wintery days
This is not goodbye
This is, I'll see you soon

You were my fur baby. You brought so much happiness to me and P. We were the ♥️🔼

Life is not the same anymore but I trust that it will repair. We will grieve and we will repair. I love you
28/12/2019
28th April 2004 - 27th December 2019

Xmas day 2019

And as we walk down the last short tunnel to the end of the year we try not to look back

To look back would make us focus less on what's coming up and this way we could trip

We try not to look back at the parts of life we have missed or the parts of life we wish to forget 

We try not to ponder on decisions we have made and those pending

We try to look at the future with open eyes

With hearts full but ready for more

Families are close but not as close as they were when the days were shorter and our skin was younger

Christmas is not the same but a new experience, a mature version which is filled with splendour and expensive meals and gifts

It's not about the falling asleep and trying to dream, waiting for Father Christmas but the trying to stay awake as the clock ticks down the day, 

Work is full and gets fuller each year as our experience and expertise grows

We are not planning weekends but years in advance and its exciting

Our life is round and full

My heart beats and its happy

I have few close friends left but those left matter

I have close colleagues who find the good and keep it

I have family full of warmth memories and the best hugs and a cat who has given me fun and love for almost 16yrs

Then there's my wife

She's a perfect day in a wretched sleet filled view

She's the soft in the rough and she's my life

Sunsets are stunning glistening off her eyes and I look forward to each year we celebrate together entwined 

mind play

And who creates the time we make in our minds

Who makes the people move and hug and kiss

Who creates the barriers up high above heads so noone can ever look in

Never see the masterpiece sat so close but so far from the human eye

Who creates the ties that rebuild shattered hearts and lives

Who pulls the skin together and seals the lines to stop the blood from pouring out and leaking onto the newly painted walls, the newly fitted flooring that covers the old ruins of the previous surface, tarnished from anger and rows 

Tarnished and then banished below the flooring that is neatly applied on top

Using it as support 

Walking over it everyday 

Recreating the original pictures with the new memories 

Not rowing but loving and enjoying

The moments in our minds could play out forever

See a moment in one's mind can be edited and slowed down and can really zoom in to detail 

Almost like a deep dream that you wake from

The random specifics that you recall sit deep in our imagination 

They come out to play in the night time when you are quiet enough to actually relax, drift and think

Make it up as you go

Like an abstract picture

Or a random joke

Or this poem

swallow it down

Stop trying to control it all

Some things are to happen in their own order and at their own time

We can't all have what we want, else where would anyone be. 

Life is not just for taking, there is always a queue in the shop, waiting to buy that gift you have eyed up

You have to wait your turn

But who does that these days 

Noone can be bothered 

We'd rather walk away and let someone else have it

Walk away angrily and more stressed than we were

Giving in to our lack of patience and then you are left with a shitter feeling inside 

But that doesn't stop us

Then we get into our cars and sit in traffic and that just triggers us more. Till we are swearing, so we turn the music up and start shouting out the lyrics and emphasising the swear words, the lights switch to red on every set and you start getting so worked up you're actually crying now. The tears roll down your cheeks as you fight your way through the roads to your house. That welcomes you but you don't see it

You don't see any of it anymore

You are wearing tightly fitted rose tinted specs and you just shrug it all away 

You have just about had enough of it all 

But you have nothing left to give

You are numb and the words in songs just wash over you 

Nothing left in the sentimentality. Nothing anymore 

Just white noise 

silenced

You can be so full of words and in an instant something is said that shuts your mind off.

There is no where to run to when you are the voice of reason

You are the one they chose to open up to

The one to share such a close secret with 

You aren't ready 

I mean what makes you prepared for that 

But they look for guidance 

They said they felt they could and they wanted to

Scary when it's something you are familiar with 

Something you can personally sympathise with 

Hits you 

So you think

What would you want to hear 

What would help you

You tell them not to hide from it

You tell them not to be ashamed 

Life can be difficult

We all manage it differently 

Never hide from yourself 

We all get strength from somewhere 

And as a result this will strengthen you 

They look pleased and upset by your answer but almost like they'd hoped and knew you'd understand 

Thankful 

They looked at me

Because I am their guidance 

I am their confidante 

I did my best

Does not mean it was easy though.. 

Mental Health Awareness

Do you ever feel like this
Like the whole world is after you
Pulling you backwards to alleyways you know you can never leave
Pulling you through the stingers and leaving you harmed
Like whenever you finally feel good about something they start a new chapter of hate
Do you?

Do you ever feel like this
Like the bones that hold you up are being weighed down
That whatever you do to fight them, they always overthrow you and pull you straight to the ground
Do you ever feel stuck
Stuck in the corner between a rock and a hard place
Losing not only the strength to fight but the will
Do you?
Have you ever?
Ever caught a glimpse of your reflection and not liked its look
Seen the dark pits of sadness in your eyes
A phone full of numbers but not a soul to call
Like no one would listen anyway
Or even care

For I think this is depression
Mental health is rife
Mental health is powerful
Like a troll on the Internet its an inner voice on repeat
It does not stop
Even when the battery is low the messages keep coming
Ping ping ping
It feels like a helpless pity
One you'd never share for worry it would bring others down
Others might be scared of your thoughts
Scared of knowing you
Or guilty should you react
Carry blame for your actions
Mental health is what kills our generation of teenagers
The youths who would not confide
The adults who felt ashamed
The elderly who feel lonely
It continues to evolve and worsen as the ideas and online how to videos take the social media by storm
Millions get pulled into this psyche of hate and do not know where to turn
When you ask someone how they are? Do you even wait for the answer
Is it a yeah you? Answer
Not a blind bit of notice given to the lost looks in these humans eyes
Their souls feel damaged and they need help but rarely ask
Instead they take matters on solely
They take pills, buy ropes, drugs, knives
They battle with last words on a piece of strewn up paper
They cry into pillows from the pain inflicted
They struggle
And then the heart stops
The pain has left them but spilled out around them
Around them their families lives are forever changed
Forever taken back through this ongoing reel of horror
Of the whys and what ifs
The ever-growing torture that battles their dreams and steals their sleep
It takes one minute
One person to reach out
To listen
Never struggle in silence
Reach out

You'll never know how many people feel this way
Passing in cars, sharing a chair on the train, shopping in your supermarket
Be kind
Be available
Help them.

Change is hard sometimes

Sometimes it feels like a memory
Like it's not even real
Like it came in a dream one night
And each evening it replays the reel
The tape can't be damaged
It can't be stamped out
It doesn't matter how hard I try to break it
That dreams light will never go out.
Somedays I don't even remember and those days to me are a treasure
Until other days I can't escape it
And the tears fall for what seems, forever

It's not like I am feeling sorry for myself
And its not like I want it to change back
It's just that it's not easy, that's all
Knowing they have all left and aren't coming back.

I sometimes feel alone
I sometimes want to scream so loud
Other days the tears stream down
And I need to allow them to, to let it out

I hope with time, it gets less shit
Especially when it hits me hard
Say its a warm day and I want to invite them over
Or a film is out I want us to see
I know this is life and the best thing is change
But it still hurts
Like a bruise below the skin
It may not be discoloured anymore
But it's there
And if I forget, I'm reminded

So for now I shall document my pain
Knowing one day I will read this back and it will be better.
I will be stronger and the distance will be OK
For now, however it still hurts me
I know I have good people around me
But this is family
Blood is thicker than water
I miss them
I won't deny it
I won't shy away from my feelings
But hope that one day, the pain that feels like my weakness, turns into my strength.

Miles

Feel alone in this wide world
Outstretched arms never quite reach the fingertips of family
I have all my heart desires within my walls
But blood is blood
Water it right down
Its still red
Its still a connection that no one can ever change
Change your name
Leave your hometown
Get rid of your surname
This link will never break
You never know do you
When this will be the one thing that saves your life

Day to day is the same
Get up and go to work
Same TV schedule with some new things now and then
Beeping of the phone when messages flood in
But not round the corner
Not an arms reach a way anymore
No quick coffee catch ups
Pop in for hair cuts or cups of tea

Sometimes this feeling drowns me
Really pulls me below the surface
And other times I just get on with it

I know I will be OK
But human I am
And I can not just block out the real life feelings as much as you would like me to
It can be so hard
My journey to work is no longer surrounded by people I know and love just down the road
They packed up and left

Life keeps ticking
We all keep beating

But we always have the dates
The dates we count down to

Own path, own choice

When it's all said and done
We are just a pulse
Encased in water
Movement and change through the years
We complete actions and create dreams
We can smile and laugh
Or we can cry and shout
We don't try to hurt people
But the veins pumping life around us, send emotions travelling around it
They get caught up on feelings and leave us feeling good or feeling shit

We don't have the same body as anybody else
We all have different prints which identify ourselves
We are all individuals
Although some genetics might match, like eye colour or hair colour or even blood type
But that doesn't make us, who we are
For that is our own minds choice
We create our own destiny
We make our own path and push one foot after the other
People can hold our hands and help us cross roads but our destination is our own
Do not forget that

Who are you... Shadows lost in time

What are these shadows anyway
Who are they attached to
It's funny because everywhere I look, there they are

They are not interfering but just telling me, almost reminding me of their presence

I do not understand

I woke up today
Felt like a fuzzy feeling in my head
Like a hangover
Yet I had not drank in such a long time
Could not place the feelings
Then as I got up and dressed ready for the day ahead, left the house and walked to the train station
There it was
The shadow
Like it had followed me

I wondered as I stepped onto that train and found a seat
I thought deep about this presence of shading
Wondered why
Why was it with me
Now of all times
It had not been here a month or two ago
Not for the build up of change which threw itself on to my plate
Expecting me to swallow it down
Without chewing, choking it did not matter
Oh no, it was not here then

I would have given my right arm for a shadow then
A feeling of friendship
Having that independent ear
No loyalties
Just an ear to my woes

Weeks had been passing
Two at the most
And I was sat getting ready to return to the humdrum
Bags were being piled high with washing and memories were encased in my minds eye
My thoughts were sullen
That's the thing about holidays
Months of saving and over in a blink
But all so worth it
Worth the days spent educating the future
Educating lives to be good and compassionate
Educating myself

Tans are collected and thanked for
Well received and create the green eye on arrival back to the blighty

I know this shadow is with me, still
When will it ever attach to a person is something I will never answer nor shall I wish for
I will accept what I have
Know that it is there
Almost dream that it answers my thoughts and voices my feelings
I will ask that it stays
Stays close

I mean God only knows that I am the same for that shadow
That blip might need me to

Who knows...
Who ever will

Rocking chair

When you find yourself walking down the lanes that you remember as a nipper you need to ask yourself
What has changed?
How have you developed since the last time you were here?
Are you even different or just the same?
When we are faced with kick backs how do we challenge them or do we just leave them be and walk away and let them win

Is this life all for nothing
Nothing better to do so you just kept going
Hair grew long, then grew thin, then stopped growing then went grey
And for what
Did you not dance in the rain
Sing at a karaoke
Danced like noone was watching and carried on even if they were
Said what you thought in that moment and worried about the aftermath later
Loved what you felt was right
Did not worry about the ag you would receive
Lived for you
Knew that one day this will not be here
Your youth, your attitude your get up and go
You will not be able to run for the train or ride your bike down hills that scare you
You will be stuck in an arm chair
In a living room covered in memorabilia of a life you have lived
With faces of those present and those who passed
Your mind will be vague and slow
You will not be as witty
Your jokes will come after the moment and noone will be there to hear them or laugh
Your advice will be silenced by the walls surrounding your existence
Your will, will be written and your time ticking down

Will you be happy
Will you look back sat on a rocking chair given to you years before for the days of reflection they said you would have at this age, and will you smile
Smile at the happy moments that fill your life and memory
Thinking back to times you were challenged but you fought on
You got back up when knocked down
Became the person you wanted to be
Loved those you wanted
And left behind those you did not
Learnt from mistakes and left the past where it should be?

I do hope so
Be the lady sat rocking away, babbling but with a heart and mind full of smiles and laughter
Of a life lived, and enjoyed
So when the time stops
No regrets

And then what

And what about the distance
The different walls and rooms
Same furniture but different surroundings
How do i cope with the changes
I mean we are all human but surely there's a difference
A difference between life and normal
Is this normal
Probably
But we are never really ready are we!?
For change
No
Never

Abandoned2

Waking up to the sun-kissed fields
Moist to the touch from the morning dew
Wishing I had not continued the argument that resulted in me ending up here
For its an easy thing to say, how you wish you could turn back that clock but even the strongest god in history has struggled with those two arms on the circle of time
I am not sure what to do with myself as I lay sprawled out on this drenched blanket in the clothes I have worn for several nights
I have no money or battery on my phone
I do not really recognise my whereabouts so to simply walk home is not an option I can choose

When did I become so immature
Surely through age you learn from experiences and to have a row with the one in control is never going to end in your favour
But I knew all this and yet I dug my heels deeper into the ground forcing an eruption of abuse and disray only to wake up here, weather beaten and hungry, exhausted even after sleep and lost
Abandoned in this patch of land in the middle of anywhere

Flooded with feelings

I've always been a strong swimmer
Yet my one big fear is drowning
Maybe we fear what we are best at

I feel recently like the room I am in
Is without light
And without a door
There's a tap and no sink and the walls are made of rubber
I'm in normal attire and nothing else is with me
There are simple pictures on one wall filled with views of the sea, and flowers blossoming wildly in fields
On another wall is all I have experienced in my life
Including words, drawings video clips, diary entries and these little poems/blogs
Then on another is a wall I struggle to look at for long
Not long before tears streak my face and dampen my clothes
For this wall is my family home
All of the events in a time line
From the beginning of choosing the room that would encase my childhood and early adulthood life
Brimming with feeling and adolescence and youth
Hidden cigarettes and wine and sandwiches as a child
The room with a view
The timeless view of life from up high and all angles
Then as you run through it you see my family
Our bunch of life
The adventures we have endured whilst existing within an encasement of memories
Cats and Christmas and new cars
Parties and bouncy castles and homework
Music and the amersion and dial up internet
Pot pourri, clean washing loads of shopping deliveries and birthdays
Sleepovers hangovers and sometimes rows
Sibling rivalry
Birthday cake
Roaring fires
Eastenders at Xmas
Pretty flowers, bbqs, music that brought laughter and tears
Late night conversations with a shot glass in tow
The radio Times, posh glasses, traffic outside
Bunkbeds, waiting for the bathroom, sharing beds, singing, laying the table on a Sunday,
Warm and cosy
Tall and massive
Fireworks over the road
All using the gym at one point
A new bike leant against a wall
A basketball hoop
Being timed on the computer and the phone
Emptying the dishwasher
Decorating the Xmas tree
Polishing our set room
Thunderstorms on our first night
A garden to be proud of, a house to adore
Always life in every room
Life in every inch of this plot of land which was ours
Shining down on us with pride and happiness
Encouragement to do what we can with our lives
Never give up

Life is forever changing and I can hardly keep up
But I know that I have had a brilliant 25years in a house full of opportunity
Advice and wisdom passed down by two amazing parents
Who have given their adulthood to provide for us and nurture us to be humans they are proud of
A sister who makes me proud with a nephew whom I adore
A brother who encourages me to keep fighting whatever the battle because we will always be the one left standing

We are on countdown now
Time is flying passed this room of mine and I need to let it
Not fight it and accept it
I was taught better..

I will beat these waves
Swim through all the pain it might cause and win the race

What is going on?

What is this world becoming
Scum just falls from the sky
Life is just so twisted
Victims are left on the floor

These people they come from nowhere
They drag at all they can carry
They don't care about the pain inflicted
Because to them it's theirs for the taking

I can't even state how I am feeling
Because the pain is too deep and has yet to offload
I just know that when I heard the words I felt sick
My knees and hands trembled

I can't even understand the whys anymore
This society is just full of evil
They take people's confidence and smiles
And they replace them with tears and fear
I don't want this life to continue
People just need to learn lessons
They can't keep on going with this treatment of others
And thinking that it's OK

So what would my advice be
I don't know
People cause fear because of fear
Surely this cycle is damaging
Surely this cannot keep going
Surely this mental health will erupt and blow us up in the end
Nothing will be left
Just tattered pieces of life scattered amongst graves that cover the lives of young people who couldn't stop the hurt
They couldn't stop the pain
They had no strength left in them to stop the shame caused by others actions
Careless senseless people with minds full of mud

I'm gutted absolutely gutted

Hanging by a thread

Here I am
Like I said I would be
No, I'm not dressed as you expected and yes I might look a little pale but I'm here
You had been on at me for a while now to visit and show my face so here it is
You aren't particularly impressed as I am like 10minutes late but as they say
Better late than never
We decide to grab a coffee at a place you know to make this whole ordeal normal
Well more normal than it is
As let's be honest this is a crazy idea

The day has been so warm and the streets are filled with people who are regretting their attire choices, as they huff and puff their way home
Sweating and annoyed they are carrying such a large overcoat
They think to themselves, "this is the last time I listen to BBC weather"
Noone is ever prepared enough really
We all know that one person whose bag is full of absolutely everything you can imagine
But in that moment the one thing you need, is missing
Then you have those people who carry nothing but a phone with a card slotted in the back or a few purples incase it's needed that day
Where do I slot myself, I wonder
The soya latte is ordered and I'm dreading this whole idea now its starting to get closer and is now obviously happening
We are now in the moment
This is not a rehearsal and this can not be paused, edited or filtered
It is the real deal
And its terrifying
You sit down opposite me and take a swig of your macchiato
You are breathtaking
You look so real
I could almost reach out and touch your arm
But I know this is an arrangement in which I've paid for and I know the rules are clearly set out for the do's and don'ts
But it is difficult to resist it
I just want to know there is an arm in that jacket and its not just a mirage
I'm scared to blink I know so because the lenses on my eyes are drying out
So, you say
Our time is counting down
How can I help?

P, 2019

Suddenly the lights are faded
All I can see is shadows amongst candles everywhere
I feel lost
But then I recognise the figure
It's my one true love sat in front of me
She's smiling and barely flinches to the noise of the electricity shortage
She is talking away to strangers so easily without any concern nor haste
She is always so comfortable
She will talk to anyone
Whatever country
Rain or shine
That's how you know life is a puzzle
We all have things we can't complete properly
We might have a go, but struggle
And then you meet the pieces that complete yours
It can be anything and it doesn't need to be major
It just needs to make sense
The love, chemistry understanding and trust are all in sync and then your strengths can be detailed to eachother
To me, P is my voice when mine is shy, my courage when mine is faded, my confidence when I struggle. If its cold out she's always warm and she always knows what to say before she knows my day.
She is the love to my heart and the oxygen to my body
She doesn't complete me, she makes me, me
Without worry, concern or neglect
She is my wife and I am happy

Waves

Just sit down on a chair
And look out below to the clear blue waves, as they are crashing against the rocks
The surroundings are busy and full of life but here in front of my feet I see waves
People are arriving in cars with cameras to take pictures of the atlantic sea
It attracts people for its beauty you see
There is a large long white ship going passed slowly from left to right filling my peripheral at any one time
It's not going very fast but it probably has people on it looking below them at these waves
In places you can see white foam from the crashing of waves in the centre of my view
There's a pier type platform below me that people often enter the water from in the day time
For now it stands empty with the sun shining down on it
This is all observation and happening now as I type it
The waves are bringing a nice breeze against my sun-kissed arms and legs as I sit here absorbing it's peacefulness
It is priceless
It does it at will
The waves move around without concern for what they make contact with
They just move around and bounce off themselves
The noise is addictive and a place people flock to when they need some head space
Some time to just shut off that annoying noise that is our mind and to just hear the forever continuing waves and water
It is in our nature, surely
I mean aren't we made up nearly entirely of this brilliant liquid
Is this why we like it so much
The building is poised so well and welcomes the magnificent scenery of the blue liquid
The sea life amongst it
The smell so clean and refreshing
The ship is 50% further along than it was
I'm still typing
I'm still sat memorised by this beautiful experience
An experience I will bring fully to my mind when a day takes its toll
I'll remember how I feel now
Content, relaxed and completely at peace
Waves
Never change

The end is in sight

Take me back to the beginning
Take me right back to a time when it was all so easy
Take me so far back to a time I couldn't even spell my name
Or draw within the lines
Or cry for something that was of real meaning

Please take me back, when I fall asleep let me sink deep into dreams filled of smiles love and sunshine
The cloud has not left since I heard the news and I can't get this thought out of my head
For the thought is about an ending to a story that I've never put down
To a time when life was easy and just clockwork
No bumps in this road just adventure and purrs
She was always so vibrant and full of character
She has always stood out as the quirky one
The one who gave you gifts, however cute and fluffy
Who dragged herself through tiny spaces and forced herself into tiny boxes
Always sat on mums bag or your favourite coat
Quiet
Peaceful yet not a lap cat
She would hiss at anything and always had that fight in her
We'd play the "arm game" and watch her pounce so fast you wouldn't be ready
She would sleep so silently in the tiniest ball anywhere
Never a noise
But time ticked by
And almost 17 years old, her adventure is starting to slow down
The day is almost over
The playground is ready to close soon
And we are left with the feelings it churns up inside
Deep inside of our hearts because she was always so content
It didn't matter what change she faced she would just cope
She never changed
She never let you down
And for me, she gave me the biggest gift
My beautiful cat Joey
Oh which I will always be grateful

Which is why as I type this I want you to remember her
And take me back
When I can't sleep
Take me back to the living room where we would sit
To the TV that she'd be perched on hoping you'd play or feed her
To the tiny cat sat at the end of the biggest bed, asleep and peaceful

Let the pain be free from her and let her adventure long continue in the kingdom in the sky

I love you Chloe
Always and forever
You were a lovely part of our family.

Hope

Sometimes its all we can believe in
Sometimes it's the only thing left on the shelf after everything else has been tried and has failed
You can't pray anymore and you can't put your heart through anymore battles
It's not even had the time to fully heal from the last time
You just have to have hope

The days fall on by and pass so fast as you age
The weeks roll on by without recognition sometimes
But you keep on lifting up your feet
Keep pushing on through
The ground below can get difficult
It can have rocks and cracks and sometimes you can take a fall
But even if you are crawling at least you are moving

Life is always a challenge with whatever life lessons you are dealing with
Whether it's looking for a career that makes you happy or a love that makes your heart soar or a place to call your own or a day where it doesn't rain or a life that you are leaving behind or a dream that you want to be real
Always have the hope in your heart
Always believe in yourself
Always trust in your choices and your chosen directions
Be brave in your path and believe that you will be all you wish to be

If you have hope, you have faith.
Fantasies can become reality

Old dirty towel

Maybe it has always been me
One of those faces that you want to punch
Rubbing people up the wrong way
Like a new cheap shoe
Not ever purposely irritating
Just misunderstood
I can't even tell you how it feels to be the one on the back foot
Always hiding myself incase I'm misinterpreted
Kind of makes you want to throw in the towel
The towels dirty now though and has been lying on the floor in the laundry room for years
Can't give up
Not in my nature
Just going to push through and hopefully get through
Watch me as I leave
I might do a runner

Together we conquer

Can barely stand the rain now
Previous experiences drained me of all my strength until there was nothing left
The days seemed so long it was like missing the evening or something
The light never sank
Only my heart in this cold hard existence
The battle felt over long before
But I was still stood up
Fists outstretched
Pain and determination in my stare
But inside I was broken
Beating my last breath as I covered my face to lessen the pain

This feeling is just ongoing and never ending sometimes
The days have turned to months with weeks being overlooked

Not a day goes by though where you aren't there next to me
You are always there waiting and watching
You take my hand and lead me away when the battle gets too fierce
You protect me
We protect each other but sometimes I find it too much to bare
I can barely stand up with out the room spinning
I can barely recollect our conversations because my mind is so preoccupied
But when my attention is on point we are perfect
We go together like the leaves in autumn
Nothing can blow us down
Nothing can conquer us because we conquered ourselves individually years before
We know who we are
We were both left broken against some street lamp and we found our way back home
We healed our hearts and in our own way were reborn
We did it before we knew each other
We have been doing that for years
Now we are together and we are stronger
We play for the same side
We have the same end goals
Life can be a boomerang but because of what we have been through we see the curve before it turns
We see the direction
We expect it
And with might and determination we catch it before it hits us

Nothing in the empty...but hold on

There's nothing left in this drawer anymore
It doesn't matter how many times I search for items it's just bare
I can't keep trailing this house looking for something I now can't even remember the face of
It just fills my head with cobwebs of reeled off words of mess that noone can even understand
It's like the language is foreign yet noone can speak it

I can't keep going down this road
The houses are falling apart and nobody leaves the lights on and even though I come here often I can barely see the wood from the trees and one day I'll just crash

I often see a crash happen in my minds eye
God doesn't know why the vision flies passed or why I remember it but for that split second I'm in a collision then bang I blink and its just a mindless thought

The trains are always packed full of people it's almost like a let's see how many people we can get into this small carriage today type of game
And even though most mornings I'm a second a way from missing the trains I make it just in time and slam my tired cold aching body next to another comatosed individual as we get flung sideways all the way into the city praying noone else will force us to actually hit personal space boundaries and people all stand swaying hoping they don't fall, loads of texts and social media just flashing in the faces of the silent people expressionless scrolling over and over the same old images that noone comments on or even understands why they are looking or care or anything
Then a student starts swearing words you could only dream of knowing at their age
I say dream of knowing with a stained sarcastic tinge to it as let's be honest when has swearing ever been classy?
For a pescatarian a lot of children discuss having beef these days
I do often worry for the future generations if this is the crap they discuss publicly on trains before 8am on a Monday morning at the grand old age of 12

Where was i
Can you tell I'm full to the brim can you feel the stressed out moans within the text of this fastly typed out speel that I can't keep inside my head tonight
No real end nor beginning just a Tuesday evening drawing to a close
People all over this country settling down for the night
Children in bed dreaming of there been and gone day excited for the next
Adults praying for the weekend or the next pay day and thinking its wet cold and dark, where is spring already?
Spring brings with it the hope and faith in the birds and the fluffy clouds blue skies stretched out over the view from our back bedrooms window
Tranquil times of flowers and flies coexisting in the environment
Warm sun across your face
Squinting as you drive down the same road which no longer needs the side lights or house lamps because now you can see where you are and where you want to be
The overgrown hedges have been tamed and trimmed and now resemble pride and family parties
The house is full of life and smiles and love drowns every corner of every newly painted room
You can only look back to faded out memories of the cold nights in the stripped back walls
Watching the rain fall through the curtains that barely block out the yellow tinged Street light that lights up the road in which you live
The dust and dust sheets will soon be gone and replaced with new fresh feelings and life

Hold on to the vibrant future that is not too far away now
Breathe it in deep and remain in control of this situation
All will be calm eventually
All with be smiles
The karaoke machine will soon hail out loud tuneful sounds that will bring laughter and cheer
You will lie here soon surrounded by your family and be looking back on this poem with a heavy heart to recall how bad you once may have felt..
It will all be white noise soon..

Station lines

As you sit on your seat on trains
You are often found staring out the wide windows absorbing the atmosphere
Absolutely still and yet moving at such speed
See the shadows in the tunnels and see the pictures and names strewn out all over the walls
Who were they, who are they what are they trying to tell us
The houses are flying passed us the walls closed and sealing in the lives inside
At night the lights are everywhere
You can sometimes if lucky look into the windows of houses
Do they know we look
Are they luring us in
Do they want us to see

Some lines are just blank
So black with laid out fields of new life
We are wrapped up in our heads
Playing out the sound track of our day that's been and gone
Another day
Another pound
Another train