Embrace it
For we have no end date
No best before
It is just the now and vague memories of the been
We cannot feel the future
We are not in it
I can remember being younger
I had so much emotion inside
More than I could ever interpret or express
It used to seep out through angst or anger
Getting in a mood or having a tantrum was my way of being
It was what I knew and almost how I understood to be
I was always the middle child you know the problem, aggressive and the one who was blamed for everything but guilty of nothing … most of the time
I was someone who could not explain my thoughts so when unsure I would just ask others
What would you do
What do you think
What should I say, do .. who am I? What shall I do next ? Be next ?
It was a strange one but this was my way of coping because I had so much anxiety
I didn’t want to do the wrong thing or suggest a different option
I wanted people to like me accept me and so if that meant moulding into them, blending or just pretending that was ok. I was prepared to do that
I am not that girl as much as my age but I do still fall for that route I think is easier, the only change is that now I actually know myself more and with it without full ack. I know who I am and what I am scared of and struggle with
Unique is always me and I do try my best but I will move in the present as me and stop trying to hide from it
I am always striving to do my best and be the best for others but I realise that I need to be the best for myself first and foremost
Life is a choice and it’s tough
I have made decisions I am proud of and others of which I am not
But I am still learning and through each lesson or bad decision comes the experiences and lessons
The pain is what we get, but from it we get the strength and power to pursue more
I miss people and moments and before I uncovered the truth I enjoyed the fake life I led at work
But I respect myself more for bringing the light in
That torchlight shone so bright onto the toxic existence that it left me blinking stars for days
But I would do it again
It was about seeing the truth
And yes it’s painful and it hurt
I’m scarred from their words of pure hatred
But
There is a lesson
An experience
And hopefully something I will remember and not fall for again
