Circle of closure

So tonight is the eve of what could be quite a rough day tomorrow

The end of a triumphant year for some and for others a painful end for what has been a tough time 

When I came into this sector life was full but plain

It was the beige of existence and I was just tired of feeling numbed by the days

Watching the clock and just generally feeling tired 

I jumped in feet first into this sector because I felt I had this edge

Something inside of me that could be unleashed into the world and heads of others

I have loved every second of it

Adults have let me down over the years but these individuals have kept me thriving

They have kept me young as strange as that sounds

Tomorrow marks the end of that for many of these people I have gotten to know over the years

Nurtured them into the adults they leave us as

I expect the tears to fall but as to why I am not 100% sure

For I have just worked so hard to support them and advise them and now I feel sadness at their departure

I will miss them

The banter 

The teaching of minds

Hearing them learn and the penny falling

The comments over the years have made me feel so necessary 

In contrast to a time I felt such little purpose 

Some of the hardest times of my life in these passed 12 months

And these individuals kept me sane

Kept me focussed 

I really don’t know how I will be afterwards

But somebody I know told me about this circle ⭕️ 

We all have to process an ending

They might have started their chapter with me

But this is where their new book starts

I can’t be with them forever 

I need to feel happy for them

Proud of them 

I will grieve but I know I have done all that I could 

Made them laugh and helped them learn 

And now I will wish them well

Wave them off onto their next adventure

It will be emotional 

I feel it now as I write this and have been for several months 

“Goodbye” has never been my favourite part of living

But it is essential 

It will level up my resilience 

I hope for their success and pray for their happiness

Onwards and upwards

counting blessings

Quietly come and join me

I'm in the room full of flowers 

The smell of the roses fill the room with that sweet smile you have always given me 

The smile that seems to calm any storm

Warm any cold morning, waiting for my car to warm up

I'm sat in the window, leaning against the pane 

Face against the glass

My eyes are closed

But are tinged with tears

The walls are so clean, crisp and white 

There's so many pictures, they fill one whole wall, up into the ceiling 

I can barely find the words to type it to you tonight 

But I feel hurt

Hurt by the life that is in front of me 

Hurt that this passed 12 months has been so scary

I can honestly not catch my breath

They were always talking about their plans 

When we were growing up

Always had parents with such a forward thinking plan

They have always been those who worked hard and really didn't stop

Sat in the living room on a weekday night, comedy programme or an antiques show on the telly

Relaxing and comforted by the environment they had worked so hard for

Cars on the drive and money in the bank 

Holidays booked and plans insight 

We all flew that large nest several years ago, for some of us we flew back when life got hard, or love didn't work 

There was always a room that sat still and freshly made for our return 

Food in the cupboard 

Love in the arms of our parents

We knew the day would come where they would grow older 

The grey hair was showing 

It was a weird thing to see growing up 

Realising even as a teenager that parents get older 

Mum swam and they did yoga so it was never something I feared 

I knew there was some cardio issues but nothing that ever gave me concern 

Retirement seemed to always be so far out of their reach to me

Like work wouldn't let go

New jobs or ideas were continually in their paths and I'd often hope for the day that work was not their thing anymore

Air bnb and a big move to another world surrounded by the mountains and the hills

The freshest air you've ever smelt

The greenest views and all the walks you could ever dream of 

Finally I thought, they are not close anymore but they are happy and settled

They are doing all they want with their final years together 

But then it came and it threw that path away

Whilst on a holiday in their favourite place of all timings 

Broke the vase and surrounded us with the mess 

The dreams were not as clear and it was the scariest and saddest I've ever felt 

Looking at how hard they worked and now this 

This fcuking existence 

Took away the dreams 

And even if it does get better 

It's not fair

I'm absolutely gutted for them 

I could cry until I had nothing left in me 

But that won't change it 

We are strong and I know we are built with the family ties and we hold strong in any storm

But it's just not fair 

I still look upto my Dad 

Like I did as a little girl, the 2nd proud daughter who will keep that fight on his behalf until I have nothing left

Just praying for hope 

Praying for their happy ending 

With love 

Always 

K

Sit down

Come and sit down 

Sit with me for a while whilst I search my heart for the words to express my feelings

Not sure if this is heartbreak or regret

I feel like I could explode at the actuality of my racing thoughts

Where did that time even go anyway 

I mean wtaf

This was not in my training

I feel heavy with the weight of the world on my shoulders 

I feel a bizarre feeling flooding my thoughts and mind

I mean is this what it feels like 

Is this what it felt like to my role models

Did they get attached too

I often wonder how did this go so wrong for me

Was it me? 

Can I change it 

Or is this too late

Is this my lesson

A don’t do that again

Lockdown messed us all up

Maybe that’s it

Reliance on ideas that aren’t even real

Reliance of helping others to fill voids

Voids caused by ignorance and fear

Of seeing the damage or my reality

I know I shouldn’t let this go on

But I wish it would never end..

I have been here before now I really think about it

After they move on to the next level 

I felt saddened by the silence left by their personalities and stories

Or their first nerve racking role play or presentation 

By that spark that went off when they understood the theory 

From the continued thank yous and praise of my support and guidance

But now I am left in that room of mine

The one which will soon be filled with new people from all walks of life

And just like my school days I feel proud but sad

They have come so far

So far 

And now they just move on 

Reset

So life has come in today and said I need to try harder for myself 

It says I’ve been slacking and that time is not on my side 

It tells me I need to listen hard and remember the advice like a tattoo I see everyday

I am not unfortunately here to save everyone they said

They said, I need to stop trying 

I will always be a good ear, I will always be here to share truth if help is needed

But the help won’t come from me

I will be the messenger in this remainder of my life

I try so hard to not become attached

But it’s like talking to me, comes natural 

I can’t stop myself from caring and to be honest that is me

So that can’t stop 

But

This is their life

This is their belief 

I can’t fix that 

I can’t change it

I have to trust I did ALL I could 

I taught them what I can pass on 

I educated them 

But now they are free

They can stay or fly away

They can make mistakes and decisions I don’t agree with

They can fall in love young and throw away potential

But they can

And they will

Nothing I have done will stop that 

I can’t change them

This is just a different way

We all have our faith

And this is theirs

Give them the help and time

Then wish them well

Wave goodbye

New ones are at the door