Last blog entry of the year 2011

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.

Just a little note to you all, I do wish you a happy new years eve, I hope you have plans set out for the year 2012, I hope you can all learn from your experiences, I hope you leave 2011 with no regrets.

I have had a whirlwind of a year but I have loved every single moment!

I am excited for my night out tonight :D I love any excuse to wear a LBD and heels :D 

xXxXxXxXxXx

                                    

      HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! 

Harmless Crushes..

so, its Christmas eve eve


So this one day I met you
You completely ignored me for weeks
I thought oh great how nice of her
She must not like me


New girl new girl, 
Not many girls in this lot and I'm the new girl being blanked
But things started to change....


Then the ice broke
Words were spoke
I was killing it and she finally noticed me


Feelings started, teams shuffled,
With the other and now with her
Flirting started
Feelings ignited
I was enjoying it all
The buzz, the sarcasm the winding you up


New girl, but liked girl
Doing well girl, 
Doing well for this girl


Harmless crushes,
Keep us on our toes
Make us blush make us feel giddy
Harmless crushes,
Love crushes,
Love the energy and excitement


New girl new girl, 
Three bags full girl :P




Lil mad rhyme lol xxx


Oooooooooooooooooooof nearly Christmas!!!!


&&& YES I like someone :P 

I missed them all tonight...

Christmas always brings the brightest out of people..

I have had such a great day, went back to work and felt so much better for being out the house - not 100% but well enough to make the effort.

I miss those in Liverpool, the last time I saw some people was a long while ago, a couple of months, August in fact and I had such a ball.

I will promise myself several trips up north next year :) 

I deserve it and I need it!

That is all xxx

Times fall away

Not the nicest of days, still not well...

I adore this woman

I was waiting for her to arrive subconsciously 

I felt quite sad today.. 

Being ill does that doesn't it?

The rain didn't help

But I can finally see through the broken mirror,

I can see my reflection in a way I haven't before

I can see the life in my eyes, 

The acceptance of fate

The law of attraction never lets me down

I really hope to feel better tomorrow...

Not just for work but for Christmas...

There is such thing as TOO much time in your own thoughts.... 

& then you wonder, what next??

what could possibly follow on from this year that draws to an end

12 months of every emotion possible mixed together with drama, love and lust

probably the biggest year as far as emotional growth and understanding and its still going by

there are so many places I wish I could revisit from this amazing 2011 

so many people I wish I could have one last chat with 

people bowed out on life this year and it was so sad to see it and hear about it

people got married

people split up

we all carried on 

what next? 

Well this is the time of year people frantically discuss new years resolutions

ones that last such little time but are given so much effort

I see things that hurt me everyday

that pull at my heart strings for silly little reasons

today it was when I was out for a meal with my family, 

an old lady sat with her family 

the old lady made me miss my nan

made me feel guilty for how little I see the one who is still here and miss the one who passed away

I have noticed that I am more in-tune to my own emotions, 

something that 18months ago I had shut down

I feel a lot more than I did back then

back then I ignored it and retaliated with anger and bitterness

I wasnt the devil or anything I was just lost and struggling in the dark for a while

I wish for so much

I wish for so many changes

I hope to be where I want to be 

So that this time next year I can say, wow look at me now

I have so much to give, just finding that one to give it to

Not in any rush any more,

No point chasing other peoples dreams 

Just because my siblings are in relationships and married etc doesn't mean I need to be

Finally been able to think that way... spent years trying to catch up 

realised it wasn't me I was being that way.

I am one of these go-getters though

I don't wait around for things to fall on my lap any more

I was dealt some winning hands this year

So pleased they happened and finally ok with how they ended

Not sure where I was going with this blog tonight, but I feel a little less pressure on my shoulders,

I feel like I have let it out and that I can sleep soundly tonight

Somebody was on my mind these past few days and it has been a little strange, 

But oh well, it is that time of year 

Comes by quicker every year

I am sure when we were younger it took months to get from the 24th December to Christmas day, 

Now it seems to flash by in a blink.

As for 2011, it wasn't what I thought it would be, it blew all my expectations through the floor, it gave me what I wanted and more 

Sad to be ending it alone once more but happy to be here... I will celebrate new year and welcome 2012, to be as we always say, - "The Best One Yet" :)

Good night xx

I love this track

ONE WEEK UNTIL CHRISTMAS DAY!!!! 

:-)   

Happy Sunday People!!! 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

16th December 2011 "Just A Poem"

Poetry of times that have been

Withered old hands,

Silky feeling skin,

Clothes all knitted and the night has drawn in

Turning up the fire

Sitting down so carefully

Slippers on tucked in and the telly is flashing images

The cat is asleep on your chair

You are alone

You think about the past times of youth

You smile to yourself

You feel the memories flood in and you watch them dance out in your mind,

You remember the day of your wedding

You remember the first time you held your first born,

You remember graduating; you remember walking up the ladder of life,

You remember the funerals; you remember the heart ache,

You remember the tears and how it all sat still

How the earth felt like it had paused for that time

How the sun felt less bright

How the rain seemed to carry on falling even in the summer sun

How the waves in the sea seemed much darker than before

How the house felt so empty

The fire crackles and it makes you pause

You look over at the mantel piece

Decorated with pictures of those amazing passed by memories

Grandchildren, weddings, graduation,

Heart pours out onto the fall,

That fluffy carpet is covered in love and amazing moments in life.

Thankful, able to leave now it’s all played out

The play of your life has had its encore

The audience are on their feet, clapping to every note of your gratitude

The curtain slowly meets in the middle for one last time,

The cat purrs loudly,

You take a deep breath and you close your eyes...

Outside its snowing, outside its calm

The stage is now empty...   By KimFace 

The Winter nights are so still....

Winter as a child was the most anticipated time of my year
I was blown away with excitement over the magic that surrounded December
Starting with the advent calender, thrilled with the countdown everyday
The Coca Cola advert, telling you "holidays were coming"
Seeing the tree arrive after my Dad went and got it,
Decorating the tree and the house
Christmas cards filling every shelf
At night passing the warmth that streamed through the windows of decorated houses 
Writing a list of please may I haves...
Sleeping and wishing and giggling at the joy of it all


Christmas Eve was always a struggle,
I would have my Christmas hat on and my smile so wide
leaving carrots and mince pies and just running around
and trying so hard to fall asleep
waking at any noise


Morning would come, 
presents filled my room,
stocking was full of wrapped treats
lots of food to be eaten
lots of family to see
lots of wows and thank yous over what others received
giving and giving and giving some more


Those memories forever in my heart
Forever on my mind
This year is a little different
But only because of where I am
Not because the feeling has gone anywhere
I am always a child in my heart and I still buzz with excitement when I see decorated houses, lights and trees and just a warm familiar feeling arrives


I do wish you all a great Christmas
To me Christmas will always be about my family,


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What do you do.. when you have run out of answers?

Evening

I took this picture- Its a view from my kitchen window

Tonight I was thinking a little about what is next.

Where will I be this time next year? I could have never guessed being where I am now...

I have so much I want from life.

I think I will start saving and planning ....

What a day today.... Rollercoaster

This song came on this morning as I stood, waiting for my bus, in what can only be described as Frickkkkkkin cold weather!!!

Surprised?? Of course not, it is the UK we are renown for it! :) 

Today was just one of those days, other than this and other songs popping on blowing me away with the lyrics- the whole OMG this song was written just for me - moments, but Work was stressful... I got upset twice.

I don't think now that I live alone and that I have my own space, I deal with things in the same way as I was so used to.

I have never been the quiet person, but I am sure by reading this, this is something you have come to realise- if not, there it is for you

I used to go home, when I lived in Liverpool and spend the first 10minutes filling my house mates in on my stress-filled day as I frantically cooked dinner and made my lunch for the next day, then I'd retire to my room and there I would stay until morning in most cases.

Then when I lived with my parents this yr, I was in an r'ship for the majority of it, so I would call her up and discuss the goings on of my day until she'd had enough..

It has been a while since I just blabbed all to my mum or brother or dad, but yeah on the odd occasion my sister will be filled in, over a 2 hour convo... we both have these necessary convos now and then, when we both have that spare second of life to think about it.

But I do think I changed a lot this year, I had become reliant on an individual and I needed to replace her when she was no longer present, but I think now its hit the end of the line... other than blabbing to my mate tonight after work, as we had a post- OMG that week was tough - drink, I don't have that many people in mind to bore... 

So tonight I came home, after my drink and I put my laptop on and I put the telly on and I ate food that I pretended constituted an evening meal.. and I didn't say a word.... Until now... and even now I am not speaking to anybody in particular... just myself in a strange way and anybody who reads it. 

I don't write this because I think its a problem, I don't think OMG I have no one to tell.. I just think, finally I don't need to blab it all to anyone who will listen.

There is still that person I tell things too, and without him I would prob's explode with emotions but yeah... 

Now I am not as open... Experiences make us wise up.. Reliance on anybody but yourself is one dangerous ass game!

One I don't wish to delve into again this year.

Binding time.... 

I have broadband!!! :)

Will be able to blog a bit more now :D


Have a great Friday People!!!!


"Let the sunshine, let the sunshine baby"

Wrong time of the year for that wouldn't you say?

I saw Rihanna 29th Nov 2011

She literally blew my mind with her voice and her beauty!!

I am such a huge fan!! 

She is my calendar for 2012 !!

Love this song...

Finding the words to say how I'm feeling...

How I truly feel though, 

Not just the words that I create and form sentences with to the person I am sat with,

But the thoughts that fill my mind in the evening before I fall asleep.

I know that I have been blessed with the life I have lived so far,

I know I have been hurt by people, 

I know that I have hurt people too.

I am not the victim and I am not the bully,

I am just trying to deal with the life I have in the best way that I can.

I fall in love with people and things change

I feel myself being driven higher by the high that I am on

The relationship then ends, and I crash down

I have lost people in my life that I miss at times,

I have fell out with people and it sucks

But I am a great believer in the world of karma, the world of fate, the law of attraction

I wish to remove the negative energy from within that appeared after we fell out today

I wish to remove the sad feelings of missing somebody

I love Christmas 

This time of year makes me happy

As a child I loved it 

The excitement still fills my heart

I have finished purchasing all the gifts and this week I will wrap them

Very random bunch of blogging today

But now I feel lighter knowing its all out on this page

Happy Sunday People! :)

that realisation...

... hits everybody at some point in their lives
that moment that remains and sticks on your mind
that tiny fraction of a second thought
that just spirals and leaves you in silence

contemplating the outcome,
thinking the what and the how and the why

the realisation that makes you grow up
the realisation that makes you finally see with clearer vision
that realisation that penetrates deep into your psychosis
that buries itself deeper than the sea
deeper than the centre of the earth


this is the what, this is the how and this is the why
this is how it will now be
this is what it was getting ready for
this is the next step
the present
the future
frickin learn now
life gets a little clever in its boredom

life throws you a jigsaw with a piece missing
you wait so long to fix it
then bam
piece is handed over
oh THIS IS WHAT YOU MEANT you say

that realisation, that you have to learn and play the rules
learn and play by the rules or walk away....


biding time, biding time


offload over

goodnight x

That's just how it is sometimes...

That’s just how it is sometimes..

Sometimes you sit and think of better

Better times that have been and gone

Those times that passed so quickly but now fill the brain as the ones you miss most

Shivery touch, is what you crave,

The good shivers that make you feel so alive

The ones that bring the tears to your eyes on the cold winter nights

The night has come just as quick as it always did

But it feels darker than before

It feels colder and more aggressive in its ways

I can’t help but think this trash I type

I can’t help it and sometimes I don’t want to

I think the best writing comes from the pain or the love

Well this is both – painful lost love

I don’t wish you bad times,

I don’t wish you happy

I just wish you life

Alive and breathing,

Alive and seeing it all

Smiling and laughing

And seeing it all

Every last second,

Moments, tripping up on the memories of it all

All the 24 years of life

Piled up against the wall

Piled so high,

I just can’t see passed it anymore

I walk to the door,

I take one last look behind me,

I thank it all,

I forgive it all,

Then I close the door... 

moment by moment

Seeing you one day
watching you see me
not remembering how to speak
forgetting how to breathe with those lungs I was so used to
not knowing whether to ignore or say something
thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking


making a decision
the decision to say something
but you have gone
the moment has gone
you have gone


I carry on walking... 

It should be made clear that...

These poems are just idle thoughts

They are not my living self just illusional responses to people in my lifes' struggles

I listen and chat to people I know on a daily

&& they are being dealt a bad hand

I am okay myself, these are just explanations of there thoughts

I hope they can resolve

Never meant to hide a thing

I never meant to hide a thing,
But you wouldnt give up the search


I never meant to hide a thing
But you wouldnt believe me when I said


I just wanted to make it all ok
I wanted to feel your warmth
I wanted you to give me a chance to prove you wrong
I wanted to be your girl and you my guy




I wanted to build my future with you
I wanted, I tried, I struggled, I lost

When I look forward to the future...

... I feel myself smiling and the warm breeze calms me 
I think about how amazing my life could be 
I see how it has been and how it shouldnt be


I think about how I may have already met the one, but that he is still about


I try not to believe too much in the fantasy
I understand my fears were illusions and I have overcome them bit by bit, every day


I know what it feels like to feel truly happy, and feel love all around
I feel like that now
I feel happy because I am single and able to be without worrying
without the creation of fears that its a bad thing to be




I look forward to lil stages, not major leaps and bounds 
Because I understand by doing so, I am not seeing what's in front of me 




Live for today and plan for tomorrow






No real point to this blog tonight - over than that I can see the illusions I have created


I have seen the mistakes I make
I have seen the patterns I used to take
and now I can change them






LIVERPOOL soon!!! xxx




Much love peepzz

As the sun had set

The sun sets much earlier now it seems

The dreams seem to be more vivid

The thoughts that control my daily life are emotional

The way I felt before has reappeared

I cant tell you any lies anymore

I dont wish to delve into it again

I dont wish to soak myself in the once used water that I relied on once upon a time

I dont wish to continue this drag through my days

I dont wish to count down my time here on earth

I dont wish to think too much about you or what you are up to 

I dont wish to miss you at times when I feel most weak

I dont wish to look up at the moon and think can you see it too

I dont wish to carry on this carry on film that classically recalls at this time each night

I wont go over and over the whys and the whats

I wont go over the fact that you called

I wont keep myself from letting you go anymore

I wont let you 

I cant let you

I forgive you

I will let it go

Over now that the sun has set

Over now the night has arrived

Over now the tears have dried and stained my face 

Over now I have forgotten how you sound

Over now you are no longer a name on my page

I will forgive you for all that happened

Fireworks will brighten my sky next week

and I will see the moon

I will see the stars

and I will let it all go

for one last time.

[Just the thoughts that were in my head - wanting to escape]

31/10/11  17:32pm

And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand

well well well

Well that is a turn for the books.... that is the right saying isn't it?

Oh well screw it, I've typed it now...

I had a lovely day yesterday out with the guy in Brum, cinema, cocktails, and more to drink so I must tell you waking up today at like 6am for the walk with my Uncle was frickin' fantastic... and Yes that is sarcasm, completely drenched in sarcasm that one!

But the 5 miles I walked was very good, and I saw so many cute dogs out and about - Obv Jake included (who is my Uncle Paul's Springer)

Anyways... Last night, I saw somebody from school, he let me into some truths about an ex from before Uni - first love as it goes... stayed on my mind all night after that... 

Hmm and then woke up to other drama on my phone... wat the frick... 

Yes, it is my life and Yes I need to choose the right path and all that jazz... 

But boy, drama doesn't half hold onto me ayyyy

What a frickin' tit!

Toodlez

xxxxxx

RIP DAVID JOSEPH JONES

He was a lovely guy, we had many a mad night out back in the day when you had no responsibilities and no 9-5 and life just seemed so easy

A song that reminds me of you

Rest Easy

Life is so short...... Grab it all!!!

Up In Flames

Evening
Don't worry, the title is not how I feel it is just the name of my fave song on Coldplay's new album - I adore the album and this track is so relaxing




I am feeling so happy these past few weeks... only bad has been over missing my family as my parents, sister and brother in law are in France until Sunday and I miss chatting to them whenever I want to... truth is they are all so busy with life it wouldn't make a huge amount of difference if they had been here all week.. if I really think about it.


But still... it is just how I am sometimes lol


I was just about to get off and go to bed but I had this thought cross my mind...


I needed to get it down to you... as a record of my findings and acceptance


"&& then you realise all this pain.... was for the smiles you have now.. it was all meant to be this way"


I was let down this evening.. for a reason you would all consider quite valid.. not the new guy in my life no (he is the reason I smile) - no this was somebody else.. and the thing is I could just allow it to go and fall away with the evening, but it is not the first time and it is something I struggle with... I am the kinda person to believe in people, and believe unless they completely prove me wrong to the point of tears and hurt, that they are genuinely nice people and dont mean to let me down continually


Although, speaking to my guy before I came to bed, he may have a point... this person may just not be bothered... 


Not nice no... but is it time I let it go? 
Let it blow away in the cold autumn night?

Hmm.. I don't know.. sleep on it yes? Always leave a decision to the morning.. things always seem better in the morning with a cup of Tetley's tea and mini Weetabix!


Good night people


On with the mad dreams I go... as to add, mine last night have been through my mind a few times today crashing into the walls of my conscious processes... of really old faces from before the days of Uni... what is the meaning of that??




"So its over, this time I know its gone, Salt water, tasted it too long..."


Amazing Lyrics.... COLDPLAY - MYLO XYLOTO