Schmmmmack!!!!

& thats when it hit me
threw me across the road with its intensity
the actual true feeling of happiness
none of this fear bollocks - just the good
it slipped on in the room when it felt i wasnt looking, 
but i was so i grabbed it with both hands and ive refused to let go since




life is sooo short, 
its just one of those
i received my donor card after stopping by my parents house tonight after work
and it states clearly that i have registered everything i am to go to somebody else who needs me after i die
and i felt a little emotional
emotional as weirdly now as i type it i feel sad to know i will leave life one day
as at the moment i am having so much fun in it


i was top of my marketing teams stats this month which was an amazing feeling also
its nice to be good at something now and then
- not all the time though- being at the top for too long just gets lonely and boring




in a nutshell, i am very happy in my life 
it does appear that good things come to those that wait :)
I do feel that i experience so much in life as does everyone else
and eventually you get a good hand in it all
i have decided to let myself go 
hes so lovely, gorgeous, funny and just what i've always wanted
sometimes you get scared
sometimes is overwhelming and you think forget it
but i am taking what Patsy Palmer in my fave prog Eastenders said tonight 
sometimes you just need to take the risk
trust him
hes a good one and i wanna keep seeing him






wow, youd think i was getting older with how mature i sound 
.................. oh wait :P
its my birthday next Thursday! :P 

Olly Murs - Oh My Goodness... 

Relationships...

Truth is we mess upTill we get it right
Marilyn Monroe - Nicki Minaj 2012.



I don't remember the first time, I remember the last thoughI remember the feeling of being completely incapable of letting go of my heartClutching it so hard, I started to damage it moreI don't want you leaving me aloneI am so happy to of met youYou make me smile so muchI laugh so easily when with youI just don't want to lose you Like I always seem toThe past creeps on in on meIt blocks out the light and I start to panicI worry it will all go the same old wayFollow the same old beaten pathThe one I find myself in a heap on Crying till the tears stingTill my eyes are blurred with the memories of the then and gone....I told you tonight that I had been treated badThat it makes me mad that I am clutching so hard at my heartThat I am struggling to let it go once moreLike I doLike I did Like it always drops Hard and fastShattering all over the ground around meI watch in despair as they take another piece of meThat who, that whatever, any person who has took a pieceI want you to have what's leftI trust youJust asking for the time

The time to let it go once more, to take the risk, TRUTH IS WE MESS UPUNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT
I think you are Mr Right.... 

knowing which direction to take...

the decision cant ever be made by other people

you must learn to shut down your thoughts

letting go of the past is one of lifes biggest challenges

learning how to is one of the biggest achievements

controlling your own feelings is something everybody faces

knowing that a decision will lead to something good - feels great

knowing the wrong decision could lead to bad is just a risk we have to trust in

there is no way back once you choose

i know people who passed away and its so sad

some people who even chose to 

we all have our ideas

we all have our dreams

the trick is to ask people for guidance but choose your own route in the end

if you dont feel sure in your choice, go with it and see where it leads you

at least this way you have tried it and you can put it down to experience and a life lesson

people do walk away from your route

they take the exit and you have no choice but to continue down yours 

sometimes you change lanes, sometimes somebody else does

today i spent most my day sorting through my flat

i was getting bits and pieces ready for my IKEA delivery this tuesday

I was reading through old letters, love letters, penpals, ex -memorabilia and it was nice

it was nice because i sometimes think i forget 

i forget how much i have experienced and how many different paths ive been down

im so thankful to each and every one 

i sometimes think i miss these people 

i sometimes feel frightened of the corner coming up and what it might show me

but i also know that i trust my gut

i have done so well so far

the people have all been great

knowing which direction to take is always tricky

its just a game of luck really

but i do believe there is no wrong choice

they are all as they should be

hope you like the song.... 

felt it fit this blog entry quite well. 

thanks for reading x

slam dunk da funka

Hits you
knocks you flying
straight into a wall
everyone can see you
everyone is laughing
you get back up and your in pain
and your pride is on the floor
but there are people watching and they are screaming out for more
and your feeling emotional and your eyes start to well up
but you know you must not do this
you know you cant give up


so yes it did slam dunk da funka
and it knocked the life out of you
but it helped you see it 
and its helped you rebuild it
and yes people laughed and found your pain a humour
found it funny to knock you down and keep you down
making you their clown
but no not any more


they've had their fun
now its about time you had yours too

When I just have to write.... it looks like this :)

When you feel hopeless - stop a moment
when you think all is lost- calm yourself
when you look out the window and all you see is rain- remember the sun will shine 
when you want it all to go away - just stop and think




You are just a spec in this world
you are just moving around this crazy little path of yours
you need to have those bad moments
you need to learn to work through them 
you need to go up a level in life
that little bit stronger
with more determination 
with more ambition to try harder


So when you feel hopeless - stop a moment
take a long deep breath
and remember you have been through things before
you have had the sunny days too
you have had the days filled with love and warmth and all things bright
and you will get it all again too
so just have a little trust 
dust yourself off 
you win some, you lost some
but you must carry on :)

If I fell down...

If I fell down
I know you'd break my fall
I wouldn't need to ask you, I think you'd just know 


If I fell down
You'd be the one who caught my tears 
Hugged away my pain 
and made me smile again


If I fell down
and was alone 
you would know to call me
you'd be the other end of the phone if I called you
you'd sort it out


You are the one who carried me along
you cleared up all my mess
made me persevere with life when it felt hopeless
helped me find my true potential 
kept me going on with it all
made me strong
because you are strong
I don't fear much in life
only losing you
losing you would be too much 
but
I know when I do 
wherever I am
If I fell down you'd watch over me 
and you would protect me


This song I hope you play
brings me your face
makes me feel warm with love and trust
thankful to know you
to have you
to love you
to call you my Mum xxx

Something I read that I wish to share

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.... Maya Angelou

To put it bluntly

I am truly fugged off
i cant seem to keep it up
i wish to tell people about it but it seems like im moaning or trying to be negative
im not - i just need to vent it 
so many silly things all piling up
causing me stress and making me frown


I hate it when a switch goes off 
that switch that resorts you to tears and panic and worry
the one that keeps you awake at night or intrudes on every dream you have - turning your whole life into a drama piece- one which you have to live through
when you want to talk about it
your being silly or moody or depressing
but you don't mean to
you just need to get it off your chest
like if you don't soon it may end up snapping your rib cage and breaking your heart


that it isn't about love as that's now on the back-burner
but its about your life and your future
and each day that passes you are getting closer to 25 
and that scares the shit out of you
and you don't feel your ready to become that age
and you don't think you have enough to show
and you keep searching in that empty room that you cleared out years ago of ideas
those inspirational thoughts are now buried deep in the angst of your every day living
you think that you are drowning and just the thought of that terrifies you because that's your biggest fear


you don't feel you have enough to be proud of
the degree was so long ago, its almost like it never happened
the job you do just doesn't inspire you any more and you need a change but have no direction 
that writing this only reinstates the thoughts that occur in your mind when your quiet enough to listen, 
when the song has finished, or the typing has stopped or you have stopped hearing your own thoughts long enough to realise...


life is flying it always has been and its scary
and it leaves you whether your running along or not
it lets you get lost but that's because it's all our jobs to find ourselves
and maybe i didn't know me until last week when i sat down and discussed my whole education and career background
and heard the words form in my mind and think wow, i think this?
maybe i should let it all go
stop trying to fix it all
and maybe just move on to something new
the only question is... what? 

Thanks for letting me offload tonight, hope you didn't think it was moaning...

Oh if only

I didn't do as I do
Repeat the same old
Remind myself of the times cold
Cold old and oh so long ago


Oh if only
You saw how I felt
Felt what I felt
Showed me 
Made me see and made me believe


Oh if only 
We were as we should be
If I wasn't so scared to see
See it be
You and me
How its meant to be 


I like her you see
Its plain to see
I feel it in me 
I'm just scared you see
Been here before and tripped over and fell
Cut my knee 
Broke my heart


Oh if only 
We were that now
Today
Tomorrow 
The future
You were here to stay with me
Lie with me 
Kiss me, fall for me and I for you 
And forever 


Oh if only
I had the guts to tell her
She is what I want
She makes me smile with every text 


Oh if only.... 

This feeling is like no other

this feeling is like no other 
so intense it knocks you over
the breathing goes all over
adrenaline has taken over
you would never sit and wonder
never question or ponder
just accept and splunder
that you love him


this feeling is like no other
the words get all stuck and mixed up
you change your outfit over and over
you think about him until there's thunder
the light fades but its still bright in your eyes
the fog blocks vision but you still see him
the smile has been there so long its hurting
the face has been so relaxed its mesmerizing
you just know this feeling is like no other
and you wouldn't want to lose it either
you won't ever forget it
this is the feeling of falling
tripping and falling
the rush you get on roller-coasters
the rush you get when you think of him


he changes everyday for me
its like the weekend all the time
the feeling you all know it
you have all had it, or you have all got it
its love baby
love love love love love
this feeling is like no other 
w.o.w