I see the tears that I had hidden
I see the sadness in my eyes as you explained why you had lied to me about something to do with this or that
I see me struggling to accept the door that you continually shut in front of me
As I put a glass to the door forcing my ears to hear
Pick up any sound it could muster
Only to not understand the noises
To be unable to create the words you both muttered
To be left out of your important conversations hurt
I will never forget the torment and confusion you caused me that day I came back home
To see my personal battles all strewn out on the floor
And to listen to your disturbed disgusted voice and tone belittle me in my place
You had been through my things, my personal struggles and written encounters with the confusion and isolation my sexuality had created
That feeling of not knowing the language I spoke
To find yourself scrawling out messy words
But for you to just mock me
To find myself having to apologise for what and who I was
The girl I had been
Was the most cruelest example I can remember and one I hate to remember at all
What did I think I was doing
Did I think that letting you drag your nails through my past, and look down at me for the words I’d muttered into pages
Times of my life that I needed to understand
And by finding courage in either typing or writing
For you to put me down like that
No forgiveness will ever reach me for that
Poor young girl
Poor young girl looking for guidance and direction from the damaged lot
From the absent, from the hollow soul of others
I can see her now
I can see her on her knees
Piling up the most innocent, yet tragically honest words into a carrier bag, ready for the rubbish
Apologising for being who she was
Crying and begging you to stay with her, be with her
Early days but such painful times
Such hard realities to revisit
Red flags were not a thing back then
We never used those terms
We didn’t see the beacon of light flashing as we made the mistakes
Blinding us until our eyes were streaming from the light
And I don’t blame myself now
I don’t hold a grudge
I accept the naivety and the innocence and the trust that I went into all that with
It may have been dark but I thought my torch would light the way
I didn’t see the walls around me as I focused on the floor
The written warnings all around me
Of people before me
I didn’t see the tell-tale signs of difference and non compatibility
I just saw the rocks and stones and stained floors
I trusted the love bombing
I trusted the guide
She convinced me
She made me believe
Believe in the unproven non-real world
The doomed fairytale
But that doesn’t mean I feel nothing
No that would be me lying
For that may have been the start but it wasn’t the middle
And we approached so many hurdles and helped eachother through the hardest level of assault course I’d ever experienced
We did that
But in the end
Our truth was reignited
Our days were numbered
Our time had ended
For all the things I never said
I carry no regret
I see lessons learned
And a second chance
A second chance to go out there and try again
Try again
