Menopausal life

Is there any wonder
People can't cope
Life can be utterly vile at times
It's like life is on the menopause
Stroppy and rude
Taking lives likes its nothing
Stealing the happy from below you
Pulling you down with a crash
Dragging you to a level out of reach

Death again
Its like the weather isn't it
Ooh its cold today or ooh someone else is dead
Fed up
Hate the humdrum
Accidental bullshit
Never a blame
Imagine
Oh sorry family for your loss
Someone left the door unlocked
Everything was stolen
But it's not our fault
It's yours, you shouldn't have put valuables in here
Your fault
You helpless human
Shit happens

Well
I don't like the menopause of life
It's a drag
I am not a fan
I'm telling you to stop
Meditate or read
But don't take anymore
Mood or no mood

Catch my thoughts

Sometimes I am knocked down from it
I can barely breath because of it
It hurts to even relax my chest and ribs
I feel the feeling come over me and I have to wait it out
its like a cramp that gets you in the middle of a night
snatches your sleep without permission
drags you back straight into the moment
covers you with it
drowns you in it
you hate it
you cant shut your eyes fast enough
but when you do its right in front of you
you cant tell anyone
for they would only judge you
you can't ignore it because it has a habit of creeping up on you
you just have to ride it out
you know like they say
a wave
ride it out
let it crash down on you
push you to your limits

the tears fell for it last night
I couldn't even breathe
I couldn't say what I was seeing
I couldn't do that
this was my fault
my choice
my decision
my action
my pain
my drama
my worries
I cant burden them
they don't deserve this
they look at it sometimes
I catch their eye
they look down
the hurt and pain in their eyes
their disappointment
their grief
I feel it
it follows them too
it hits them too
it takes them by surprise on their way to work one morning
or on a lunch hour
or during an advert
the harsh reality of my actions
of my pain
of my fear
shapes
left with shapes

I've not written to upset
just to write it out
conscience is clear
mind is often muddled
but I am far better
far higher
far safer than ever
and I do believe that this too will pass
in time
for life is quick
but I need to give it more time

At peace

Tell me something
What happens
Where do they go
Do you even know
No didn't think so
Not very helpful
But I often wonder and hope

I hope that we fall asleep like normal
Not even a care or worry
Just drift off thinking about the day we've had and the day ahead
Whether we'll put on the washing, what we'll cook for dinner you know

We all arrive at a place of rest
We walk in heavy in our hearts
Tears down our faces
Noone really knows how to feel
Other than grief, overwhelming grief
Grief and loss
Loss that is so strong it feels at times like we can't take a breath in
But we do
We all do
We all walk in as strong as we can and we all gather together
Like a force of love and grief
We listen to the words that are read out and we start to remember the times we shared together
The things we would speak about on those few times we had alone
The words of wisdom passed down to us like a family airloom
A treasure to keep and only share with our own thoughts
The quiet memories just for us
We sing the hymns they'd like to hear, and sing themselves
Our hearts roar and our voices hit notes higher than we ever could before
We are singing with our feelings
With our grief
We are pushing the hurt higher and up and out of the building we are in

God is discussed
We are told he will look after them
But to me
What I think is this:
I believe in the sky there's a world
A world full just like this one we are in now
I believe the world is mirrored above and just like when we sleep we enter this realm
the realm is normal
We aren't met with spirits but with people
Family lost before us, friends everything
We don't know we are dead but just that we aren't in the living world
Just a long extended dream
I know when I dream well I can see them
Speak to them even
I can day dream and ask for advice
When good things happen I can show them the memory through my mind
I can share it all
I'm not alone
Neither are they
They are just painless
Back to their best
And eventually after time
So will we be
Back to our fittest
The grief will pass
The tears will fall less
And all that will remain are our secret treasures
Airlooms of memories
Filling our mind
On their birthday we will toast them
At christmas we will think of them
And for the rest of our life we will carry them with us
Until the day we fall asleep
Deep and comfortable
Rested and pain-free
That is what I believe
Not religious
Not superstitious
Just a child once
Who lost my Taid and Nanny
And I believed this then
And I still do now
And forever

Don't you worry

Where do we start?
Take away the masks and unveil your inner soul
Make sure the spotlight covers all of you
That everyone has stopped talking and there phones are in their bags
That all their attention is on you
Then start

Take a deep breath and remember it's ok
This won't be filmed

Where do I start?
Is there even a beginning?
To me there only appears to be an incident followed by the backlash of horror shock and emotion
An incident that stands the hairs of my neck
An incident that brings with it pain and angst
Have you ever had that?
The audience are transfixed
They daren't utter a word
Back to me
The spotlight is warming
It makes me feel like I'm lying on the beach in the south of France
It makes me feel safe and warm
Without warning tears are rolling down my cheeks
I can't contemplate my own actions
It all feels fake
Like someone has made it up
If only

Back to it

Where do I start?
Is it depression? Am I alone?
I feel so warm with the love surrounding me surely, I could never be
No I'm not
I know that much

Onwards though I say
How does this affect me now and my future
It has shaken me up
Like a bottle of glitter
Jagged edges but pretty
Always pretty and youthful
Decoration to the plain walls of life
Necessary to make jokes
Cheer people up on downward spirals
Be there for all
Including myself
Especially myself
Proud but not too proud to admit defeat
Defeat, after all is only a lesson
And we spent long enough in school having those
Didn't do us any harm
In fact it paved our future
Made us who we are today
With intelligence
Intelligent enough to never do such nonsense again
Silly billy
Who is billy anyway.. poor billy, he can't always be silly
Raise a glass and remind yourself of achievement
Raise a glass to life and all it inhibits
All it has given me
Slightly hurt but able to stand back up and  continue
Slightly different path this time
Less stress
Less upset
More life and living

Family Affair

Who tells you anyway
I mean surely all your choices are your own
Noone can tell you anything
Surely
Life is our own decision
Our own path
Our own destiny
Surely existence is based on preference and choice and decisions
Why would you say any different
Why would you tell someone your own thoughts
Push that onto a person
Drown them in your opinion
Strangle them with thoughts and ideas and shit
Why
To make out you know better
To make out you are better
On the hierarchy of life
Fcukin better
Educated higher
Have more knowledge
Fcuk you
Fcuk you all
You aren't God
Whoever that is
You aren't important
You've just had more years alive
So you think you might know more
But do you actually understand some bodies fears
Somebody's loss
Somebody's experience
No
No
No
You go for a coffee
You chat the waves
You say what you think
Then leave it
All of our choices are our own
All of our direction is our own
Please allow it
Even if it's hard
Even if it's scary
Allow it
Trust
Trust in life
And trust in people
Yes we fear for siblings and people in our lives
We may even sit up at night awake in bed thinking more
But we can't impose
We can't divulge
Tell your better half
Tell your diary
Keep some thoughts for your selves
Be mindful and careful
Things will work out
Life will be good
Trust in the good

Autumn bliss

Kicking the leaves across the street
Hustle and bustle of adult life surrounds me
I look down at my feet as they step one by one and have flashback feelings
I remember being younger and kicking the leaves this time of year
Picking up mountains of brown autumn leaves that have fallen and throwing them up above my head
The sheer joy in my eyes and my smile lit up in the autumn sun
My duffel coat keeping the brisk wind out
My gloves getting leaves stuck to them
That string that kept them attached through my arms
I have always loved autumn
It used to excite me as I knew Christmas was next
The darker nights and dark mornings
The fresh morning dew in the fields
The smell of change
The understanding of the four seasons
Seeing this one make the most change to the surroundings
All that has lived has fallen down
Now under my feet with a crunch

The colours are beautiful and always have been
The countryside looks covered in life
Different shades and different types
But all now laying low for this season
I still kick the leaves
I still look out for conkers
I see the squirrels amongst the trees up high
So much in life changes
Your face your feelings your thoughts mature with your age
But it's so nice to know that some precious childhood memories will always follow me
Along with my footsteps
One after the other walking into my future
With this season bringing the comfort of its consistency
It's reliable smell and colours
Thank you seasons
It's a beautiful moment
When you realise that age is just your number
It doesn't stop you remembering
Autumn is always beautiful
Bring on the fireworks...

A moment of clarity for N

Closer and closer
We fall into line and we look forward awaiting instruction
Nobody could tell you about how it could be
It is an unspoken and it is unruly and in that, addictive
You stand there baring all, but you aren't scared
Nothing can hurt you anymore
Life threw enough at you and you feel ready for what might be next
The lieutenant is now walking towards you all
You can't see their face
They stop almost touching your arm before they shout out numbers
You don't even flinch
You are so ready for this
All your life had led to this moment and you are not worried
There is no anxiety left
Your youth drained you of fear and nerves and left only your resilience and fight behind
You know it could be a long time before you see your loved ones but you are ready
For you have waited so long
It must feel so exciting to have finally succeeded.
We had waved you off weeks before and we now watch as post falls to the floor for the letters
We await updates and news and phonecall slots
We are your family
We will support you eternally
I will support you brother..
In whatever you choose to endeavour
I trust in your choices
And I love your determination

Personal expectations

When have I tried enough
When have I pushed myself to my own limit
When is enough, actually enough?
Who are we here, trying to impress and when is the time up
There are several types of people in this life of which, I have crossed paths with
Those that aim for nothing
Those that are satisfied and wake each day smiling and happy
Those which spend their whole life pushing and improving themselves
Never getting tired, always learning, always pushing
Breaking bones
Pushing spines against their abilities
Scaring people they know
Not sleeping, never accepting defeat
Never doing enough
Pushing targets higher than they had ever been before
Promotions and applause
Appraisals always smiling
Through description, you can probably guess which one I am
Which role and person I have grown confortable with
Yes
I do feel now older, that maybe I should become more accepting of my own abilities
and actually praise myself
Holding out for that day

My Faith is in the Stars

What will become of the people
When you sit and watch them from a distance
As you watch, they think they are alone
You see the look in their eyes
The pain in their souls
They look tired
but the word tired has never meant enough
When I watch, they start to talk to themselves
They seem frustrated by the day
by the week
by their existence
They seem to be crying out for help in their silence
They look so lost in this crowded world
They look worried
They look concerned for the future

I keep wanting to show my head
Give my cover up, show them I'm there
I want to tell them that they will be OK
That they have so many people around them
That they will never be alone

But they are proud people
they are traditional
They do not look for assistance
They do not take help
If you offer they will snap
If your arm reaches out, then they will bite

I watch in a helpless state before I can not let my eyes see anymore
I store it in my mind for a quiet time
I do not wish to divulge anymore
For I know what I see
I trust my eyes, for they can see more than I will ever see
They see it first, then drip feed enough to me


I put my soul into the hands of destiny
I put my faith in the stars
I wish at night for all the happiness
for all these people I see with the pain
I hope the day comes where tears aren't spilled
I hope that in time they move on
That they recover
That they smile
That they relax
That they become the person I know them to be
In time
All we have is time
All we can give is patience
It has been a long wait
but I am not done yet

Hindsight who?

Not alot can be said about getting older
Until hindsight rears it's head
For when you are younger you have no real reality on what's going on
Not really
You understand that you are in school for 5 days and off for 2
You know you have to get up early and grab a bus
You know that your mum and dad work but you don't really know what they do
You sit in lessons where sometimes you haven't got a clue
You have friends and enemies and they take over your thoughts
You watch television and get lost in fantasy people
You idolise singers and learn all their songs
You collect the latest trends
You demand pocket money
You do house chores for more
You want a job at 13
You start saving up for magazines
You think celebrities are the gods
You become hormonal
You start having serious feelings and you think you are the only one
You want to move out
You hate your parents
Now you love them
You row with siblings
You become competitive
You have no real understanding on how important education is
You wish you'd listened more
You wish you'd tried harder
You wish the feelings you had for someone hadn't affected your grades so much
You wish you wish
You coulda shoulda woulda
If only you knew what you know now, you vow you'd have done better
You tell everyone you didn't try hard enough, that life was messy
That growing up gay was hard
But you didn't mutter
You didn't tell a soul
You would just stutter when your crush was near
You agonised over it
You buried it but it appeared the second you blinked
Like hiya it's me, your sexuality
Oh if only you knew what you know now, then
Oh what a life eh
Not a lot can be said about getting older
Now 30 and still feeling 20
Responsibilities have grown
But life is still fun
Still exciting
I'm still growing
At 50 I'll look back
Hindsight will rear it's ugly head and be like oh what if you'd done better bla bla
Truth is
I did what I did
I do what I do
I make it up with no real understanding of not being here one day
I know it happens
But I'm too busy living
Hindsight is a wasted emotion and thought
Because you did it your way
Reacted to life at that moment
Not thought about it, paused time planned out different outcomes then chose
No life is like that
Only in films
Anyways rant over
Just a moment of sharing
And a quick F U to Hindsight
Ta ra xx

And when it fails

It happens sometimes
The world forgets how to spin
It starts slowing down and people don't know what to do
It puts you in positions you are not used to
You start falling and hurting yourself as you hit objects around the room
It forgets to look after you with this gravity shield we are given
It gets out of control.

You start crawling around the ruins that are left in sight
The places you once looked at with such light
Are how deserted and dark and blood heavy
The world has spun too hard this time
It's taken lives
No one can understand why
And is searching for blame
Then all of a sudden that tranquility is spoiled
The life we exist in has been tainted and no matter what we wash it in, the stains won't come out
And the hate is rising like hell itself
It's showing
the rooms have become red and covered in pain
And noone can breathe
It's getting too much
The tears don't help anymore
The grief doesn't end
The world has just spun out and damaged too much
Unrepairable
Unconsolable
Unhealthy
Unworthy
We are all left lost with only our mirrors for company
Strewn out lives
Damaged dreams
All away for one last time
One last breath
One last sight
The last thing they felt was fear
The last thing they say was terror
And so it continues
The world spins again once more
We wait
We wait for the next hit
The next tragic disaster
Life
Whatever happened to compassion
Community love and worth
Relationships of meaning and trust
All forgotten
All lost
All unclear
Please change
I'm living in this life And I'm scared
I shouldn't be
Life should be worth it

And then you were gone...

And then you were gone
Not a farewell
Not a see you soon
Not even an explanation
All that time searching and it was over in a blink.
I couldn't catch my breath
At first I thought you're busy, somethings come up
But the days turned to weeks turned to months and now it's a year.
Who knew
who knew something like this could leave me feeling blue
And confused and some nights, even blaming myself
You knew
You know me, surely
You know what I'm like
You know what makes me tick
You stood by and let this happen

See I don't even know why I'm surprised
I mean you always did let me down eventually
One day I'd be flying on euphoria and the next day I'd be cleaning up the mess my heart had made slamming against the floor
It was always like that
Like a drug up and down, down and up
Waiting for my next hit
Knowing you'd turn up
Like an addict on his last breath
Crying out for another hit another score
Boom
Bash
There you are
The creature of my nightmares
the person of my dreams
The one who kept me going when I thought I'd lost my way
Traipsing through the night with no care in the world
Knowing you'd be somewhere
You were always somewhere
But now you are nowhere
And I'm left again sat on the sidelines of our messed up history trying to piece the little clues you left behind
Trying to make a sense out of it
I always tried to
Tried to heal my broken heart
Tried to move on...

Now it feels over
It feels cold
It feels sudden and painful and it hurts
You hurt me again
Who knew you could
I did
You did
They all did

Congratulations
I hope one day it hits you
You see my face in your thoughts and you wonder where I am in this life
And I hope it is too late
I hope you are left not knowing too

Why should I be the only victim...

The X Game

Shouldn't feel jealous
Shouldn't compare it
No that would be stupid of me to

Shouldn't be concerned with
Or ask questions about
Or even let images stick in my mind

To allow this will allow more
And swimming is what I'll do
And then drowning will become the next moment
And then dead

I cannot compare it
They aren't the same
The time frame is different
The relationship is different
I'm not the same
Neither are they

So what if language changed
So what if they've travelled more
So what
This isn't a competition
This isn't a race
You don't win anything if you sit and disgrace
You just embarrass yourself and leave yourself weak

Don't be full of hate my dear
Just accept the been and gone
Just allow the life to run as it may
Don't go back into space you never were
Just be in the here and now

Goodbye

There's a lot to be said about the word goodbye
For it has so many different meanings
When I left my old house and I sat in my bedroom that word cut straight through me
When I was bullied in high school the word was filled with glee
When I moved away for university I felt quite scared and anxious
When I've said this word to family members who had passed away, I felt a part left me
But now I'm saying it to my old scared self
The girl who thought she couldn't
Or wouldn't or shouldn't
Because the woman I am today showed her she could and would and did
I'm where I've always wanted to be
The dreams are now reality
I'm stressing over things that actually matter and that feeling really surprises me
I've spent so many years looking and hiding and trying and wishing and wanting
But now I'm at that stage in my life that I feel like all that's forgotten
Goodbye to me now, means nostalgia and bliss and moving on for the better
Being better
Achieving more

Social Media

Chance after chance of whole grain wheat
sorrys and oopsie daisies and begging on their knees
cowards and twats and twits

You meet someone and its like butter wouldnt melt
everything you hear is gold dust
you get taken out and splashed out on and everything feels like perfect
you get yourself hooked and talk everyday and text and fall asleep with each other
you dial their number and oh hey they do say and a smile its etched on your face now
You are so happy and facebook gets busy and you take some pictures and share them
your life feels more busy and you are so frilly and dance around excited to see them
data after date and night after night
and text after call after voice note
the time is a flowing and your love is growing and nothing can damage this perfection

But like the weather it can sometimes change and leave you amongst clouds in the winter
it can start to rain and sleet and snow and you have no idea what is going on
the social media platform is now abandoned and forlorn and you cant see the happy smiles
you are no longer upbeat

Chance after chance of whole grain wheat
sorry after sobbing after flowers after texts
knocking on your door
banging your window
asking you to forgive

21st century love life
lost in the classic love story
lost in the getting to know someone
lost in the dating
just getting into bedding
not getting to know properly
people are wolves in sheeps clothing
they are lying
they are pretending
they are using
abusing
texting and calling
liking and deleting
blocking and tormenting
the love life
the modern day love life, lost in the media
the media of socialism
the media of opinion
the caring what they thinking
the writing the status and checking in
show you are busy
show you are somebody
show you are with somebody
be with somebody
dont be alone
dont be single
force it
forgive and lose
chance after chance
forgive and lose, get lost get sad


NO
this can not be the life of 2017
this can not go on
feelings are real
you cant edit the text
you can not undo the done
you cant delete it
or unshare it
its out there, its real
it beats
the heart beats
it gets hurt
no font colour can change that
no emoticon can erase that
its real
people are real
social media isnt
its just a rose tinted view
its just a lie
its just a curtain drawn slang match in mute
its just lies
all lies
all evil
all fake

chance after chance of whole grain wheat
not anymore
you blew it
you blew your chances
no more fucks will be given
do not mess with me and my blood line
did you not listen
to the rules of childhood
you play with fire and you will get burnt

Never a better companion

The day has been etched on my brain since day one
I can remember finding out and being so excited Mum had said yes
I watched you come into this life and I was smitten
You were and are adorable

I can remember impatiently waiting for you to be ready and your eyes open
I couldn't wait to get to know you and spend some time with you

Uni was tough, because I knew then I would be leaving you behind
You gave me company every night
I remember coming home on visits and crying into your fur
You comforted me through the toughest times

Now you are 13 years old, turning 14 in April and my heart bleeds for you
I can see that you are getting older and it terrifies me
I don't want you to leave me

I found a lump this morning and I was broken
I haven't felt myself all day
You are my pet and I love you
I don't want to imagine life without you

So I allow the tears to roll down my face and I look deep into my heart and I pray
I pray for you
Never have I felt so understood
So necessary to some one elses life
3 whole years you have lived with me and never once did I feel alone

Please stay a little bit longer
I need you to
I love you and I will be here for you

I have written this to remind myself.

Whatever happens I was very fortunate to have this cat in my life
To Joey

With love, forever x

We are ALL dying to live

Take a second to hear yourself
can you hear the heart beating? Can you feel it?
What is it beating for?
Life? Death?

Who believes in destiny? I used to think the beats were counting down
down to the last few moments
but after time I realised that was the wrong way around
The beats are counting up
counting higher
as life gets faster we get higher
life is faster every time I see the love of my life
taking me higher
making my smile deeper
oh how lucky
I am
finally
lucky
in love
Who believes in destiny?

Not enough moments sometimes
I get lost in her eyes often
her voice can wake me from the deepest sleep
her face can calm me from the worst nightmare
I just adore her

What is dying?
When the time is up
when the room is dark and no one is left watching you anymore
the stage becomes cold and the sign at the right says over
life is over
what begins next?
surely its like the radio
when does that stop?
its a loop surely
we go somewhere else
or maybe we don't
maybe we all just float around asking each other the same question
what next?

In films they say different things
the one I like is in American Beauty
I like it because its warming
it says that death plays out your life
every single moment
you can be part of it all again
like a film you can laugh out loud, or cry like a baby
but either way you are busy and you are watching

We are ALL dying in order to live
as the more we do, the more time we take away
away from what we have
and what we want
It is never something people say
I am ready to die?
Is it?
People always want longer
like an exam with a timer going off
I just need to finish this sentence, you plead
but they say pens down
and you hand in the paper
and you hope you did enough

well that's a way to see your life
your time may be up but you hope you did enough
before my Patty, I would be the one pleading for more time

But if you asked me now
say it was my time
the exam was over
death was upon me..
I would say thank you
this last 14/15 months has been more of a life, than the best part of it all, before
My heart has been beating quicker and my heart has been in love
I have felt myself getting higher each  day
I have felt the smile stick to my every emotion
I would be sorry to go but happy
happy that I had achieved my lifelong dreams
to become a teacher (if only a trainee)
to fall in love (the greatest feeling a human can have)
I am engaged and I am excited

but if it is to be over now
take my pen
take my paper
and thank you for the opportunity.
Now lets watch this life once more....