&& So I Take A Bow

As everyone is running for the door, knowing the day has come to an end
shuffling in rows and rows - impatience at its best
I just sit there for a little while
I take in what I see and feel all that's around me and I try and store as much of it as this will be the last time I can have this moment

People are just all so rushed, so impatient- unaware of how life could be if they only waited a moment 
they don't stop to take in the lessons learnt
to remember those nights the tears wouldn't stop
or that time the laughing made the tears fall 

As the reason we should all stop to appreciate is because yet another year is left behind,
we can select all that we wish to hold onto but the rest will fall away

2013 is going to be the year for me
Me, Myself and I
yes it may start with a hangover but that's okay 


Sometimes I don't read what I write but today I am extra careful to keep it simple and to the point..

I understand I wont always get what I want 
but that's okay
I realise I may have wasted time and effort on people 
but that's going to change
I always have myself at the bottom of the priority list
but that's for the last time


All that I want to achieve can be, with hard work and determination

but more importantly by learning from how things failed before and not making those same mistakes twice 

Signing out... there's a party to be had! 

Chilled Air, Warm Heart

seeing it with reborn eyes

wishing it away with every ounce of me 

dragging my nails through the walls that won't fall

thinking so much it starts to hurt

Watching myself through someone else's view 

wondering how I expect anyone to know 

when I play with my many faces - the clown is getting tired

I believe in more than you'll ever think

I see more happen than people realise

I have always been that girl that watches and soaks up all the struggles people try to hide

I feel so drained with peoples lives I sometimes dont know how I stand up at all

I feel so moved by peoples lives, I am surprised I never stop crying

I am so helpless when it comes to peoples situations I feel I can never forgive myself

I am always so involved in other people, I forget I have a life to live at all..

Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and I can see my inner self screaming at the top of her lungs,

"What about me, what about me?" 

But I brush her away with a stroke of mascara, fix my hair and be on my way..

I get so down sometimes, because I am worried I will never remember how to be about me and not about them or you or her or him... 

Just get up and have a day for me, leave my phone, leave the social networks and just live for me... 

The air is colder this time of year, we dress up with more layers, covering ourselves up, dreaming of the sunny days...

You know... I miss the sunny days, the ones I had a smile for me.... because of me and my life.... 

2013- I will be getting me back 

Don't Watch Me

look straight through me, don't let my words linger on your lips
don't let my appearance fix itself to your memory- taking away all you knew before
don't get me like i get you
let me be the one you never understand
let me be the one that confuses you so much it angers you
let me be that girl that just bugs you because you never know what i am thinking...
N when for that short moment you think you have figured me out, I change direction and lose you again

please, don't watch me I ask with an almost plead in my voice
as I lose that strength you all say I have and you see my eyes without the wall that is always closing up around me
when you see my bare thoughts pour out of my heart and you struggle to catch it as it flows on through
and you try desperately to help me and to try and understand me and to "get me"
to admit defeat on your part kills you


I don't need a shoulder I need a body, that encases itself around me and holds me tight
I need a voice that soothes my soul so much I feel like I'm floating through the sky
I need someone to make me feel stronger than anybody you've ever met
I look for that person to not only save me, but to bring me back to life
and together we fight the world head on, strong and united, and in such a deep trance called love
so that I have this feeling of complete acceptance of all my failings and wrong turns and I stand there tall and strong and built for purpose....

But don't apply as a whim, this shit is real, you don't get me like I get you
I see it before you feel it and we all know its true
I don't feel defeated or weak in anyway, just a little lost right now, I need someone to show me the way...

Not in huge trouble with how I feel, just a little tired of the same old reel
like a drawn out film, that just never ends...
I wish to stop filming and edit it from today.. If I may

Right and Wrong

Who says which is which anyway
so what if I wanna do it
would you have wanted to stop me if I let you
would it all be a big old drama if you caught me
not knowing your own reasons is being lost
being lost but not looking to be found
just looking to be content with all that is here

Right or wrong the feelings get stronger
right or wrong I cant stop them
ask myself why and I reply with why should I
harmful thoughts 
but addicted to the pleasure they cause

each day that flows on by it gets more intense
I catch myself thinking of you constantly
its intoxicating without the morning after
but I need it 

Right or wrong who gives a sh*t
I enjoy the ride while I'm on it
I know these moments don't last forever
so Ill grab it all while I can
boom!

I reckon you know, I reckon you like it
I reckon we both need it truth be told...

Unimaginable

four walls, windows that look out to the streets

streets that lead to the places that we have all passed on our daily

smiling, laughing so hard we are crying, urging ourselves to breathe and to take it easy...

finding, all those things we have forgotten about, pictures, books, toys, being slapped so hard with our childhood memories... till the cheek is left burning....

catching the tears as they leave my eyes, seeing the faces of my loved lost family members, praying for their peace and eternal love... 

flying higher and higher, the swing takes leaps above the park, that feeling of safety and bliss 

saying goodbye, getting in a car, and driving away.... lump in my throat as I try to 'man up'...

learning lessons, living, loving, watching, taking in every moment, storing every word, forgetting nothing...

four walls, a window that looks out into my world, I can be anything and with anyone and do everything...

Unimaginable love for this existence.... 

to close a book, to say enough is enough, to accept my failings and let them go....one by one we bow and the curtain slides to a close...... 

Maturity

Slowly softly you walk away, dragging with you my heart

The one that I shed last night, after it all showed itself in the night stars

Screaming so loud, to talk now causes me pain

Listening to your words, drenching my face 

So little, not enough any more, just never was ... if I listen to my heart

Bend down to pick up the mess that is left surrounding the memories

Back aches with the burden you were on my shoulders

Remorse is not a vision I'll ever see in your face

Cold arrogance and blank eyes

Someone like you is all I allowed myself to dream for

Someone like you... never been such a lie 

Stronger every day, surprised with just how much I can do 

Every day I lift myself up and hold myself that bit straighter

No one could of wished this on anyone

Least of all myself...

Slowly, softly you walk away, I call your name 

I take back what is mine, the heart I have fixed up for years

The strength in me, shows a smile on my face... 

‘Goodbye’, I say. 

This time, I meant it, I meant every letter

Don’t underestimate my inner strength, its growing everyday.

Viral Minds

If we just became our real selves, not these fake selves and we said what was on our minds, not what left it and we just all got on with things instead of thinking things - things would probably be easier, life would probably pass more smoothly, there would be less fear and worry - most likely... things wouldn't just stay the same... we wouldn't be hiding from our own shadows, we'd be chasing our dreams, we'd be catching every opportunity that came our way without a care of the what might be's... we'd be who we are meant to be, none of this fake selves, over-thinking selves, just beating up ourselves until we don't know ourselves... we would just be and being is who we would pursue to keep and we would not run from anything, no trouble would block our doors... light shoulders, high heads, free to live and breathe.... If we could find the strength within, we'd be dangerous.... 

Blurry Lives Entwined... PT. 1

Stepping stones rain makes them slippy
being careful but forgetting why
knowing we are getting somewhere but not knowing where 

I took your hand, as I was sure I could help you
we travelled for months through the world together, blurry, entwined
We used to sit and talk for hours about what and where we could see ourselves in the years to come
together, forever, blurry, entwined


We grew older and we got closer and we began to feel stronger for each other
the friendship was a seed at the start and now it had grown to a forest,
but weather came in thick and fast
and trashed the roots and took the strength 
entwined one moment, lost and alone the next....

Wishing it could mean more, be more
expect it to be more important to others than it ever is
the feeling of disappointment, a frequent thought
the heart aching for more
never having its fill
pouring its insides out on to the floor
for you all to moan and clean it up- shouting never understanding
for you lot so simple these feelings, these acts of love 
the ease of life you all carry and flaunt in your dailies
not a consideration for those who lost the battle
who tried to fight it by running so fast the legs got damaged more and more
the legs grew tired and bled and ached some more
and no one could help me and no one could see me
and no one cared a little or at all
and it was just try harder come on girl, try HARDER 
TRY SO HARD THE TEARS FALL FOREVER
who cares 
why be happy when you can be normal why be normal when you can be happy
happy? wtf is that anyway, when your insides are hollowed out like a pumpkin
nothing left just the remains of what was
and now as the days grow darker and the fingers ache in fear and hate and just basic 'fucked off ness'
we all start to calm it down
to shake it off
to give your head a wobble and we just say OK
so that's all of you and this is me
and i will be all i know how to be
BUT i wont accept it just as this I tell you
I WILL FIX IT UP IF IT KILLS ME
FINISHES ME OFF FOR GOOD
if just to say, I felt what you all feel too
if just for one day
one moment, one second
just to say I felt it too
blurry, are the feelings as they swallow up my lack of feeling
drown all my thinking and just entwine 
smash into each other 
blurry lives entwined... 

When

Listen as you read... 

Slowly the night falls in around me 
outside the window all I see is dark blue skies 
I start to think about cooking my meal and I realise another day has been n gone

I don't want to remember every detail
it does feel like only some stay so clear 
it wasn't a denial you must note, it just crept on in silently
like at the back of a church during a service
not a sound but I felt the presence

I put the heating setting lower as I prepare for sleep
its getting on for midnight
cars are not as hectic now 
houses fall silent around me 
I feel like the only one awake sometimes - should that be a concern to you?

the phone goes on and on, beeping with messages from them all 
busy in their lives but finding the moments to reply
everyone just carrying on carrying on
darker nights now, less light in the day
preparing for the cold - although it doesn't seem to leave us much any more
months just flicking by like the metro paper in the morning searching for the star signs


reading theirs thinking, ooo how is it relevant
looking for a sign in everyone's column
wishing i knew the workings of other peoples minds- but realising I am still learning to understand my own
searching for the memories but realising its the lessons I am to remember 

rain used to be such a chore when i was younger - now I enjoy it
feels like it cleanses and washes shit away
the night is well and truly here, as I type it all away to you whilst lying on my bed
realising how often I try to switch certain switches off, I forget a lot as I do

health can be a worry to us all, no one is honest about their personal pains any more
find these things out as we go, like surprises but not the nice kinds
people just walking out on life, without anything as a goodbye
just off they go, leave you alone on that bench in that park of ruins
leaves fall, blow in the breeze and die as they do year in, year out

When does it end we ask?
Should I treat each day as my last?
Will they forget the spiteful words I spat that day?
Will they know I was just upset?
Knowing that sometimes these things just go exactly as they should... nothing else you can do about it 


Don't worry I am okay :) 
Just washing up the messy plates in my minds eye.... 

not a sound

not a whisper
not a noise at all
not a peek 
not a movement 
not a look that says too much
not a tear 
not a care 
not a fear 
not anything at all
not an us
not a pair
not like each other
nothing there
don't try and fix it
don't say its broken
don't get involved in anything
not happy here
not willing to share
the feelings inside as they have become too much to bare
not a sound 
not a whisper 
not a noise at all

I don't look backwards
I don't look forwards
I just stare
I don't complain
I don't lie 
I don't regret

I need to move onwards
to do so, shed the old stuff
let it all float away
wave goodbye
so sincere
not a pain at all

silently it will fall away
shrivel to become a nothing
take up no time of yours or mine
not be a nuisance or a problem
or an issue you all discuss
whisper about me or near me or of me
have an opinion you plead to share

not a sound I said
not a whisper to be heard 
not a noise at all
nothing is to ever be disclosed
don't share too much
never give it up
never give yourself away
just find that place that brings the smiles 
that brings the happiness
that frees your trapped heart
and live it
even if it means leaving
leaving what you have
with risk comes rewards...
My Nan told me that... 

away'

sail away don't say a word
pick up the pace and never be heard
forget all your promises and tell me no lies
and just sail away and don't say goodbye

leave me on this morning before the sun shows its face
take all your things don't leave me a thread
take all you gave to me, presents and love
and wrap it all up, snug as a bug

don't keep our memories stored in your mind
don't let the tears catch you at night
don't stroke the bed on the side i would lie
don't smell my perfume, just let it all hide

away, away, for that's the only way
we cant get it back so don't let it just stay
in the moment, in this day, not a word, not a stray
just two people, who faded away
sail away
don't say a word
leave silently into the night and do not be heard
don't let me see your eyes as you tell me
just sneak out, take it all and never look back... 

This is how it will stay

If you don't start throwing away
the self that you carry around with you
the one you left so long ago

This is how it will be
if you will not open your eyes and see
that if you continue, your heart will stop beating
and alone in a room you will stay


This is not the way
the route you have taken has got blurred
and you keep walking over the trodden grounds


Please don't just sit here and accept it
as you type it all out and hear it
as you tuck yourself in later alone in your palace that no one can come into
the spell that you put yourself in
when you tell yourself that you're happy
when you pretend the tears are hormonal
when you cried yourself to sleep


This is how it will stay
if you don't brush the cobwebs away
the ones surrounding your social
and the ones surrounding your belief
the belief in yourself to get what you want and deserve
to meet the one and to fall head over heels
to sit in a restaurant with your girlfriend and smile

To look outside and see the sun, not the rain
to feel the breeze not the chill
to see the smiles not the heartache
to express your desire
to express yourself
to be who you are
regardless of anyone else

This is how it will stay, how it will be, how everyone will see you
if you do not change it
its that easy, just take the first steps of courage
and the rest will follow...



Believe in yourselves, - You are all that you have. ONE LIFE 

At night we sleep

Not really a thing we think of 
but to sleep, to float off into our little worlds
to spiral and entwine in our fears and our lusts
to stretch out the whole night with snippets of goings on
troubled minds meeting in streets and waking up in sweats 


at night we sleep, 
we fall so deep into our minds we forget we are here
we soothe our souls with the mixes of moments and trials
some we never remember, like they were never even there
some torment us for days, filling our minds with wanderings of whys and oh no's 

to wake up bolt right, panicking 
or wish the alarm had never snatched you from that dream
to just be


not a sound, not a careless noise 
sometimes a tears rolls
sometimes you think its real
and sometimes they come true
and sometimes at night we just sleep
uninterrupted utopia
off in the clouds
Zzzz 

Good night 

Thought I had it...

out of breath, screeching to a halt
trainers all scuffed and laces out
scared to look behind me but know that I must
to know that I am shot of her and all that past 
I clean the smudges from my glasses and fix up my top
tucking it back into my skinny jeans and thinking OMG

I lean against the cold brick wall, that's still wet from the rain
I bend down slowly to tuck in my laces to stop me falling again
I stand up and prepare myself for what could be
just behind me, all around me

As I move slowly trying to hold my breath in fear
I feel a tap on my shoulder
OMG she's found me
I brace myself for the inevitable and pray silently that this cannot be

But I'm out of luck
having been on the run for so long
I have to now realise the truth
let it storm the surroundings and drag up all it can
like a twister or a tornado
with me in the spiral

She reaches out and touches my cheek
catching the tears rolling down my face
she whispers ever so silently, I am surprised I can even hear
the words soothe all of my pain and with it they take all the shame
they wrap me up warm and protect me 
my eyes catch glimpse of what she looks like
the guardian angel who followed me
like my personal shadow 
my head moves round slowly, worlds spinning
wow, I think to myself, as I catch my breath
this was not who I expected at all
for who she is, knocks me for six,
for who she is, is me 

Not So Long Ago I Had This Day...

Wash me away
don't hold your breath
don't wipe the tears from my eyes
don't try to hug me
don't try to love me 
don't try to tell me its OK

let it all just fall away
and break away
and rip away from the seams
I can see it all now
I am accepting it
I wont try to catch it or stop it


Come on rain
fall harder, break things as you land
drown all the spiders and the rats
drown all the sorrow 
flood the streets
flood the world 
flood it all so we can start again

Build it all up from the ground
scrape through the ruins finding the lost ones
begging for it all back
looking back and wishing it was here 

As I look to the ground
and lose my concentration
and as I struggle to keep eye contact and motivation
and when you are tired of asking me to try
and when all you can do is watch me cry
and when I wont hug you or tell you I'm OK 
just walk away
leave me be
let me see the mistakes I have made
leave me here to pick it all up and make a sense out of it


Nothing to say, nothing to think of,
nothing to worry or cry about
nothing to miss, nothing to want, nothing to dream or stress about
nobody here, nobody there, nothing to look after or care for
just a day, just a moment, just a flicker of drama

Tears they fell, so hard it made me sick
sick I was until I fell asleep
dreams were warped and dragged me deeper
into the rooms Id locked away moons ago
they were all opened over and over and the worries and stresses got louder and louder
and the panic set in, and the loneliness drowned me and I couldn't get up and I couldn't get out
and I was just drowning and spinning and crying and hating and hurting and needing and wanting and seeing
and that's when it set in that this can not happen
and this is a one off and this is a nightmare and this does so happen to freshen the closets
to system restore your mind and soul

................................................ Now its gone, now its gone, now its gone now its gone.... 

Not The Same

Lets just take a moment and think about what's happened
in our lives the changes and the cries
in our eyes the secrets and the fear
nothing left to make it that way again


Lets not forget the moment it all came out
how you burst and just threw and spat it out
not a cloud in the sky when the words left your mouth
your heart leaped and skipped beats as the words resound


Not a robot to my fears of fitting in
not a shadow of the me that has tried to be 
nothing wants to be said over and over
no tears are cried for it either


I wont let it out of my sight now I've caught it
I wont forget how it was found
I am thinking about the moment it happened
and I am trying so hard to not let that out


Too many people will tell you you're wrong
and too many people will try to bully you
and too many people are just small minded animals
but that's not a problem of yours 


I type it all and I see so clearly
like I could remove my glasses and see everything
like the details are etched so deep now its the prettiest thing I have ever seen
my reflection is real, and strong and true


thank you for helping me find it
for leading me along the path 
the path I stepped off for years
but the one that's freed me and saved me.

Rap Tingz

Not ever seeing the way it is all to be 

really to be with you and to be with me

and if you and me are ever meant to really see

how we could be 

how we should be 

would it change us?

trying so hard to keep hold of our dreams

those we shared back in the day

the days when life was easy no responsibility, everything carefree

just you and me 

easy, no cares you see

when we look forward we look back

when we think of growing up, we wish of moving back

to being the one without a mortgage or a HP car 

or a marriage or kids or anything at all

and not saying that we don't want we got now but that what we were has flown by too fast

and some things we forget

and sometimes we lose 

you and me, me and you 

sometimes we lose

I don't want to get all low you know

so I wont go on

too much anyway

too much gets you nowhere

too much gets you crying and wailing and moving back too fast

dragging it all up and taking it with you

and just carrying this baggage for years for no reason

with no purpose

just crying over me and you

you and me

we were an us, you can see

in the pictures we are there

too young girls, no cares in the world

just living and loving and getting through our life

and not really thinking too much of the future

and not wishing away our days spent in offices

or wishing we had more holiday days

but complaining that six weeks got boring

and missing our girlfriends when away in Wales

and then just being a couple that rowed

and fell out

and broken hearts

and shouting, and alcohol and moving on 

and closure

and now we see

we see and we remember 

we turn over the pages 

we are shown the flashbacks for times when our memory fails us

when we cant remember the whys and the ifs

that we were an us

now we are a you

and I am a me

long time since we have seen 

time flies by faster

catching moments

Kodak moments

never forgotten moments

this is just how it used to be

INSPIRATION- days off work when you are ill, times to think, old photos, teenage years.. 

Finding The Calm

It wasn't how you said it would be 
to be free and to be near the sea
to be looking out at the crashing waves
to feel the fear and worries fall away


I smelt the sea air and it took me to a place
a place in my head that I could never forget
it was a protected sanctum and it covered me well
and it reminded me I was young and that my life would be swell


I can remember the sea and the people surfing 
and the beach sands so warm to the touch and clean and almost white
I can hear the laughter and I see people smiling and so happy
I put down my towel and book and sunnies


I lie down and I soak up the sun
the rays falling hard, colouring us in with its tanning power


Ice cream and beers, and chips and cigarettes
campfires, cocktails, hangovers, sun tanning
great weather, family times, new friends, late nights,
sun setting, clear skies, chilled out mind, bike rides
eating out, barbecues, oysters, champagne, 
ferry crossings, cramped cars, family fights, great nights,
be the person that you are
be reckless whilst young
wake with heavy heads but wild memories
make life fun as before you know it, you are an adult... 




**** this was written on the weekend just gone... ****

We all like to think

but sometimes it just isn't possible to do it properly
we all like to believe there is more luck coming our way
we all like to hold out for the impossible and the dreamt nights that swoon our minds 
we all like to figure out the wrongs and change them
we all like to feel a regret is justified 
and that if we had our time again we "woulda shoulda coulda" 




We don't hold out grudges for too long because we are starting to learn from our pasts
we don't reckon the heart will hurt as much the next time
we don't think people would lie to us as they have done oh so many times
we remember the whys behind our tattoos as we dust off the shit we are in
we pray to those who left us hoping they have the key to our destiny's


we all like to think that we are all different 
but in the harsh and blunt reality we are all the same in so many ways
and eventually we will accept this and lives will flow a lot more easily
always somebody worse off and always somebody living the high life
always someone you pass by and always someone you are trying to chase


and calm as you catch your breath and watch as the words form with letters as you tap so hard letting this all out
sitting in somebody else's front room as you pour it all out before you forget the point and the direction
and calm as you realise that you are not alone and that the voice you were praying for can be heard
and you fight back the tears as you realise that he is OK and that he is proud 
and that these dreams have all been about the crossroads you have been standing at waiting
waiting for the answers to which way and with what purpose 
and the overwhelming need for this person, your granddad to listen and to hear these words from the clouds as he watches us all


and relief that he is here and that its all OK
finally.... I can breathe 




with the inspiration from my lost life in dreams and the book my aunt gave me by Paul Arden... 

Curiosity killed the heart

I was meaning to write this earlier
but things have a habit of getting in the way
anyway I am here now 
and I shall now type away


So much has changed since before I was typing
so much more has become my focus
I now feel I have a reason to be
and that is something quite new


I wont say just yet what I have in mind as I don't wish to jinx it at all
I will say however that its not the same light or sight or heart anymore that I carry


I decided I would rid all the old and finally let go
and I did this using technology
ridding my number and most of the names and now I feel less cluttered up


For now it is a new sheet of paper 
a blank canvas
i have every color I have ever wanted and they are for my disposal
I am reading a new book getting lost in their lives,
travelling through the words as they intended
not letting people or places or the weather try to drain it


it being the happiness that i feel surrounding my existence
the reality that is here and all around me
the family that i love and wish to shout it off rooftops
the people in my life with their kindness and love
the person i am becoming through the nights and days
the language that is changing as i type away
the rhythm in my writing sounds ever-so skip-pity
ever-so jumpity and happy and go lucky
the sadness is over and that was a chapter I bared well
I tried not to ignore it, i embraced it in case you couldn't tell
I got oh so deep i forgot my way out
although this was the lesson to learn and look at me now


I am still only 5'7'' although i feel much taller
my hair is longer and my eyes seem so much deeper
my soul is alight but with love and want
and I'm grabbing it all with both hands now and not letting anything out my sight


I will have to go now however as i am in the middle of something else
as i said the time is flying and the list is getting longer
new phone, new hair color new attitude new page


new new new


see I knew deep down i had the strength in me
it was just about the finding and the moving through
this amazing journey we call living. 

When it falls

I ask you to listen a moment
this isn't easy for me
I suggest you take a seat and get comfy
I don't want to take too long to explain
but the words don't fall easy
my chest feels tight as I keep it all inside
I don't want to let it out just yet
for you all to see


I wont waste your time here, you'll be glad you listened
that you took the time out here today
When it falls we cant hide it any more
we cant shelter when we have nothing in sight
the lot just hits us and sends us swimming away in the flow
slipped and fallen and not having a moment to catch your breath


Family is so precious
taken for granted all too often
arguments over nothings 
not realising the what ifs
the anger, the hurt, the pain
the missing and the lonely
family to me is everything
but when it falls away
and you aren't speaking 
and you cant stop falling
and its getting dark
and your crying
but they don't know
they aren't even there


Arguments over nothings
that become some things
that destroy everything
that take away the love
that hold onto the grudge
to be let down
to just think its all okay to be this way
if only they knew how they affected others
how they hurt and push it so deep
and how I am sat picking up the pieces so it seems
I want them to just be how they were
how we all were



I ask you to listen a moment
this isn't easy for me
I suggest you take a seat and get comfy
I dont want to take too long to explain
but the words dont fall easy
I want everyone to be talking
everyone to be respectful
to know how its been taken away before
how we have so little grandparents left
that is all I wanted to say today


Never wish your life away... its just too precious... 

I wait

Sometimes at night when its getting late
I just sit and I wait
I wait to see if you call me




Sometimes on days where I have nothing to do
or I am rushing around with too much to do
I wait to see if you're there to lend a hand


I wait for longer than I always say 
hoping you will come my way
if only just to say, that you are there for me


I wait so long just to feel 
the disappoint you can see in my eyes
as I wipe the tears aside
and try and continue with my life


Sometimes at night when its got so late
and the morning is outside my window about to break
and the birds are lined up, tunes in their head
milkman doing his rounds
sunshine so high up 
I wait, I wait I wait
but now I realise there's no need
you are late 
you were never there
never a care
I am now aware 




[boring off the thoughts of my mind, clearing it out - summer clean is the new spring clean - distortion floats away followed by a new day, new way, new life - better slice]

now we wait

We wait to see what happens next
we don't rush to the ending 
we accept it is a game
we see the clouds outside forming
going grey as it starts to get darker
the rain is coming we can smell it


No one wants to say what they are thinking
in fear they might admit their feelings
in worry that it could cause a problem or the very least a row
the curtains get closed and the light goes out
and the street becomes such a quiet almost deserted place to be
everybody is going to sleep as tomorrow is the beginning of the working week


To snuggle with someone would be a nice change
to see my crush could cause me some pain
but mostly comfort to see her smile once more
and talk and laugh and just be as normal as we can


I never meant to hurt myself with all these feelings
I didn't think it would last this long truth be told
the evenings seem much more relaxed of late
and I like that
tears were aplenty though this weekend
the concept of change does continue to shock me
to seep on in and drown me with its fear and loneliness


Now we wait
we cant do anything else now
we cant make it be or stop it from being
we cant make the feelings go or appear in her heart
see I am just human also
needs and wants surround me too
smiles and tears appear on my face also
till the day I have it, I won't take this for granted
I shall try my best to enjoy it with or without you. 

Shadows

weird cuz you're arent there
such a long time to like you
to like somebody
to work with them
and to see it all just play out, like your favourite DVD
like a gunshot this friday it all just changed
it all took on a new life and i couldnt breathe with it
not like a run up
just a "right we are off, we are leavin" the quick hug that i can still feel
the feelings so deep my heart hurt
the beats of my heart felt sore as each minute passed and then BOOM
nothing we could do
it had happened, it was over
just a memory or a thousand
she knew how i felt before she left
she told me she was flattered
and her conversations still ring in my ear
and im scared to play them out in case i lose them
like a drunken memory
so much i could say


See the thing is I am just left
the life plays out but i am in tatters
I really did have the strength of feeling and I cried out some tears
I dont know what  I do next, as you were the one to help me
When i was stressed, you were there, you made it all go
and no its not a newbie that can take that
you and me
we had something
and honestly, it feels bearable on a sunday morning but to know this is it
that monday will arrive and ill walk on in
and you wont be there
you wont give me a smile
you wont give me a reason to try
a reason to say why
i like you so much
tears fall all over
lonely is my condition
you resolved all i had
but now im here alone and its too much
i think i may have loved you and now i cant sort it
life life life life life life
fragmented

Blank

I tell you I feel blank
I say it cuz it feels true
i feel like theres so much going round my head
and most of its about you
and you ask me why im sad at work
and why i dont laugh like i used to
and i reply with i dont know
i just always thought id have more to show

i tell you im tired
even though iv only just woke up
i tell you its getting late
and we can see the sun
I tell you I feel blank today
but thats not strictly true
as, as it happens i know exactly what to say to you and exactly what to do
see i do see past the walls that keep me locked away 5 days a week
and i can see myself being a little different in my future gains
the only problem is iv lost my map
and i cant remember the way
and im so used to these streets i keep walking around them
and im sick of them
and im sick of all of this

I tell you I feel blank
but really my heart is a thousand colours
a thousand colours all swirling and getting confusing and just you know turning
and we are all just staring at the world going passed outside the windows
and we see the rain fall, and the thunder break up the silence, and the sun burn us on our breaks, and the snow keep us locked away at night
and we all just carry on
we all get on
we all like each other
i have a crush
we all have a something that we need and want

Blank as to how I get mine... waiting for the coin to drop...