N if I was quieter

would you still think I was too noisy
would I get in your way
Would I ruin your plans


Am I too much for you 
Are you too much for me
Do we even know what is happening anymore
Is it like a big game, are we just pretending, playing the characters well and forgetting when somebody has shouted CUT!!


I don't know anymore 
And neither do you
But we still carry on
Not having a clue
But it works for me and it works for you
So we will carry on doing
Exactly this


N if I was quieter you would be still
Still and confused and bugging me till 
I shout or moan or gasp with annoyance
And then we'd carry on chatting like nothing had happened

&&& to think you could of had it all

Just an observation
not a question, not a regret not a pain
Just an observation
not something I think oh dear, shouldn't have let that one slip away
between my fingers, like silk and realising too late
too late, it has gone it slipped away and it is now the past
the past it's there behind you
you can only see it 
you can only become the witness of the played out already written script
drama maybe, tragedy maybe, love story maybe


Just an observation 
not a pain, not something that brings the tears again
Just an observation 
how many more times
how many more times do I have to justify myself to you
how many more times do I have to repeat myself to you too


I just said it is JUST an observation
that when I read my love letters, that person did oh so much care 
care so much it hurt a little to read it
OH SHIT, I thought I'd said an observation


OK OK,
so I was looking back and I saw it
I saw it and it was a tragedy
it ended with me sat alone in a room of familiar surroundings
with the people I love by my side
with them all whispering to themselves about how they were worried about me
how they didn't know what to say or what to think or what the fuck to do with me
they were almost looking at me like I was in a box
like I was something they'd just stumbled upon in some museum for heartbreak
like they all feel they've been there
like they want to get out their scars and be like look that's when I was like YOU


Correction, never me 
you can never of been ME
for I am ME and I am the only one
Yes ok, similar feelings maybe, similar experiences ok
BUT TO BE ME?
No
Just an observation
I peered on inside 
and I saw me and I saw you all and I thought wow
so far I have come
so far I have come 
so far I have come




May as well carry on
carry on carrying on
nothing else to do
nothing else to watch
nothing else to drag back up
just carry on carrying on


&&& to think you could of had it all?
No is the answer to that one
No not all just some and still some left




Sometimes we should all peer on inside our little display
check out the things we forget
forget have even happened
and remember we have achieved oh so much
but not enough
still more
still more
always more




.............................................................................. signing off x

Ode To Divorce.... As I'm leaving...

So, I watch it all disappear

Slow mo, repeated till the dvd scratches in my head

3 years of the same behaviour, same conversations, more exciting but still nowhere closer 

Scared I think of letting it all go away,

Disappear in to the distance, because that will mean I lose my excuse... 

My excuse, the point I mentioned here before...

Thinking it is all so normal, that what I have with this person is normal

How can it possibly be and how can it possibly ever be

Do I think I can lie to myself?

Successfully and convince myself ?

Don't be daft I think to myself as I type this, 

I should surely know deep down it was all for her attention 

Maybe I can hope there are some kind of feelings in there for me 

But lets as I say, NOT lie to myself 

If I was to leave the room now, 

Say you were sat in here too

I was to get up and take myself and life with me

Would you want to stop me

Would you want to grab my arm and give it one last chance

Or wouldn't you even look up

If I was to say to you I have plans to leave this country

To pack up save up and to leave for new horizons

That I would be leaving the world of social networking and all that, that entails

Would you wish me well

Would you ask me to stay

Would you want to keep in my life

Would I ever even ask you these things

Would I be strong enough to hear your answer without crumbling

Seeing the sunshine these past few days has just brightened it all 

I know you may not think that having read the above - but it has

But not only that, it has allowed me to think deeper and further into the future

To decide what I want and when and with who

Little steps - make a huge difference 

holding out in vain to what I can never lose

and I guess tonight felt like the right time
they never say there is a right time, but tonight felt like it
I may wake up tomorrow thinking maybe it wasn't the right time, but tonight it felt like it
I won't tell you all it's a definite decision, but tonight it felt ever so right
tonight was the night I had decided
I didn't think ahead, its not been on my mind all day or night
It didn't come to me in a dream or through an artists lyric
I didn't see somebody that threw me down the stairs of those ever so frequent memories jaded in regret
It just decided to be the time now, as I type away like I do everyday 
Everyday type away, type away my life like I have spares in the cupboard
Typing away about clients and this and the other and that
and not trying to make any real sense right now but to make it a point that tonight was the night
Not to confuse the hell out of you but to just state it 
State it again and again and again
so that when I switch off the power and go to sleep its still ringing around my head
a voice in my ear
a voice in my dream
over and over
round and round
the point, the realisation that tonight was the night, this is the moment and here is the time
tick tick tick


I logged into my blog tonight, I selected new post and I just let my mind pour its guts out to you all
you read each word and thought where is she going with this?
what amazing answer will be tripped over as we get to the end 
will it be the same old shit?
same old, oh i miss this, I wish I had that bla bla - life
Life is the answer 
and the point is this


I know and see it now
Everyday I wake up and get ready for work
Every time I receive a text or speak to somebody
When I play music, go out, drink, socialise, watch a film 


I realise that I am trying to distract myself from it 
block it a little maybe
put anything in the way of it to stop me from seeing it
rejoined the gym to work it out of my system
but like the flesh on my body its part of me
like the ink in my tattoos its there forever


Tonight I realised that I had to live it to feel it 
breathe it to know it
see it to believe it 
do it to want it
be it to have it


Wednesday night, raining weather, quiet darkness, car drives passed my window
Tonight was the night I let it go
Last straw, final straw, winning straw




Good night x

best weekend in a long long time

LIVERPOOL WAS AMAZING
OUT EVERY NIGHT
SAW LOTS OF OLD FACES
REMINDING ME TO KEEP ON GOING

CHANGES ARE IN MOTION
IDEAS ARE FLOWING FINALLY
THE FUTURE LOOKS BRIGHT!!!


:D

Love this woman!!!

Shit rolls down

Split second decisions.. 
Lifetime repercussions
Knowing it was all as it should be 
But wishing you'd had that chance to meet


How can you miss something you've not had - I'd say
How can you crave the taste you've never grasped
Imagination is my answer, 
The dreams they act it out, hoping one day it will create itself in flesh


Foggy moments lose me every time,
The feeling of complete lack of hope and smiles
But that rose did grow from concrete
Reminding us all there is a why and a where and a how 


Dreaming that this girl may someday pass me again, 
Her face has visited me of recent nights 
My ex girlfriend - The one from the start
Thinking in my heart it could be different given that extra chance


But then I wake up, pillow tightly hugged, alone I feel
Takes over me like a shadow 
Fills the room seeping under the doors and blocking out all the light


Would you believe me if I said
A tear fell for you the other night
I had stumbled upon a picture of you 
I wasn't thinking about it or you or anything
Just fell down my cheek and I thought oh god


Coat on, Scarf on, Hood up, head down, 
Smile is fading away
Stop it, Try and control it
Catch it before you drop it
Hold it with both hands
Keep it from the wind and chilled nights


Look up at the sky, see the stars burst out into the night
Dancing above our heads
See the moon reminding us all of why
Grab it, the future
Envisage it all 
Never let go of that smile again


She wouldn't want you to and deep down you don't want to 


Hold on forever, grab and take all that you want and leave those you couldn't have
Never forgotten, but you need the freeness for new things now 


-x-x-x-




[Sometimes I feel like I could physically grab hold of my emotion and smash it against my wall, other times it's my only company...]

RIP WHITNEY HOUSTON - LITERALLY A LEGEND!!! HUGE LOSS!! XXX

Rambling Roamer

Giving the rope and trusting they wont slip
Waiting for somebody to return hoping they are OK
Wishing that one knew how they made you feel when they looked into your eyes 
Feeling like the air has been punched out of your whole body


Spiralling on the spot so much the dizziness has started to feel normal
Tripping on the words as they leave your tongue
Screwing up what seems like every opportunity 
Trashing it all into pieces and losing pieces along the way


Too proud to ask for it, but as every second ticks by I want it more and more
Feeling like hiding it is being brave, but hiding it is making me weak
Keeping you from the truth and myself from the sunshine
Like to feel this way is the safest and only option .. oh how wrong we can all be..


Happily let go of those that didn't fit into my life right
Sadly missing those few
Always wanting and needing what I had or could never see
Left alone now with just little old me..

An example of a song that blows your mind wide open...

BON IVER 

LDR is literally the best album EVER!

You have got to love those moments
When a song plays and lyrics speak volumes in your ears
When somebody says a quote that talks about how you feel
When you think about somebody and they text you..


Not the chance but the attraction 
Not the coincidence I don't think... 


Good things come to those that wait!


LANA DEL REY is Amazing!!

Last fortnight I have seen with 20 20 vision over things and its been a breath of fresh air, like the cold nights are now, - that fresh :P 
I do now realise I spent a lot of wasted time thinking up about the things that had gone or that didn't exist any more, and even though at the time it was necessary for me to do this to move on from that patch of grass I was stuck on, it was now looking back - a little bit of self harm in the sense it hurt like hell and I was doing it.
2012 - how the time does fly by, seems like only yesterday I was at school or drinking in mates flats or graduating from University and now like a blink its 9th Feb 2012 and I am still here and I am still proud of all my achievements


Never could you write the things I have seen or make up the things I've experienced but I'm sure that is like that for you too. We all have our little quirks, part of what makes us all individuals, I can still remember little things my ex's used to do, or my boss's used to do or how the Scottish lecturer used to lose me in his lectures after the first few words but how I still got that First class on his module :P 


Bundled together and kept somewhere safe is where all these memories will stay, thinking back to times I would have given anything to forget it all, to lose it all and to start it blank and new... but to lose all of this time?? No I would not give this up... Signs of maturity maybe, finally seeing my life for how it is and not how I wish it would be at times, sure - and finally accepting that some things in life are there to be worked at to achieve and other things are to be let go of and remembered for simply that... 


Millions of fleeting moments all gather to create lives, not to sit contently and watch it from inside the lounge, but to get outside play in the snow and realise its ticking passed at the speed of light... and soon it will be all black.....




Thursday night rambling complete... Mild headache from an uber long day in the office check... Earlier night tonight - Deffo!!


G'night y'all 
xx




PS: CHECK OUT LANA DEL REY- BORN TO DIE!!!

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

I never started this blog with the intention of filling it with deep (in some regards) depressing thoughts, this is just the way it went..
It happens every so often in ones life, that moment of clarity.. When you do see the life as it is and not as the bubble you float around in... The real time is there in front of you and you then realise there is a chance you may have fucked up- royally!!!
Today, this week and tonight I realised I may have misjudged certain people, which is a shame, as I am sure given the time again, I may have changed it... but yeah no point thinking that way... changing the impossible
Basically, I have been mates with this one person, and I had feelings for him, and it grew and grew... Others came into my life, I would have my crushes on people and that would be fun and exciting until it burnt out, like the lustful ones always do and I would be sat thinking of this one person again.
I did have somebody recently fling themselves on to my life and it was dead fun because it was them after me and its nice to be chased now and then in life isn't it... Anyway I fucked that up... Literally crumbled that right up.... 
I finally decide after 7months of knowing this guy pretty darn well, that I would be honest about it, as although jokes and that happened - it didn't seem to be going anywhere.... && that's where the whole MISTAKE appears, as I was so utterly misjudging it... && I was left a little bruised, emotionally and now I don't think that can be repaired and to be honest, reckon its served its purpose now... 
I now need to be in the same head space I was this time a year ago, I wasn't working - which I am now, and I was living with my parents - which I'm not now, and I was unhappy in most areas... 
This year of 2012, has already thrown its shit at me from all sides, but I have managed to still continue, so I will hope the weather does not prevent me too much - (as they reckon its going to SNOW) - from getting back into the gym  - which has always been a great help for me, peaceful even though I'd be listening to my IPOD loudly. I work so many hours a week, I never feel I have my own time... But now I will make it a priority, to do as I want.
When I was in Uni I would always have MY days, go for coffee, see my mates, go out drinking, bit of retail.. I would make sure I had that... 
I promised myself I would sort ME this year... So much changes in our lives and sometimes it can drag you under like a wave in the sea... The trick is to adjust and change as you go... Keep things simple, let life just go with the flow... 
This weekend will be a good time to reflect and prepare for ME that needs her time to be... 


Thanks for letting me offload this tonight... With the help of Adele.... Always helps me flow with my thoughts... 


Take Care