Feelings

and when it feels like its falling away
and you cant grab it at all as the water has just surrounded it
and you see them struggling for air but its becoming too hard
and you cant stop the tears from falling
and you can see their whole lives playing out before you
and you think they liked you
and you believed you mattered to them
and you thought they cared
and that they wanted to get to know you
and when you werent in the room you didnt hear the laughing
the giggling at your expense
you didnt see the looks they gave as you walked away on your break
you didnt believe the truth people tried instilling on to your brain
people just twisted it all up
and it just got knotted
and it was knotted around their necks now
and it was choking them as quick as the water was
and they just smiled as they faded away into the ocean
and they just haunted your dreams at night
and all you found was the stress of it all in your nightmares
peoples names flying round your head
nobody waking u up or caring
nobody realising the damage it was doing
just continuing to breathe the same air was proving toxic
just carrying on the charade just kept the laughter at your life
not like you these people
not to the point
not honest
not brave and not strong
just sheep and just wrong
and just bullies

remembering that the feelings are real and that it does hurt and that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself however hopeless,
however difficult you have to fix your smile and walk on in, shoulders back, head held high and just accept that some people just arent worth your tears or your stress or your disturbed sleep.

A Moment

all it takes is a moment
a moment to make you think
-"god, that is what i want from my life!!"
we don't all get it
we don't all make a change when we do
but today i felt it

that moment it caught me off guard
it came flying at me like a wasp in the sunshine
startling me but at the same time i was so glad it did

I now need to do all that I can to get what I want
follow my dream
meet my destiny


Toodlez x

Simple Poem About Nothing Much

I was asked to write a poem
about what I didn't know
so I thought I'd carry on writing
and hope it didn't show
sometimes people surprise you
so much it can instil a fear
they can treat you badly 
and not seem to give a care


They can shout at you so loudly
so that you're fighting back the tears
till they walk away with a grin on their face
and you're left to clear up the mess


You don't know why these things happen
and you don't know how to stop them
and you don't know how to make it all OK again
but you have each day for a reason
and a smile should always be applied
to your face whatever happens
don't let them take it away


I was asked to write a poem
so I did and here it is
I don't know if it rhymes or you get where it went
but I have said all I wanted to say.




SUNSHINE IS AMAZING!!!

Directions changing

so you didnt have an answer for me
we just left it open and we walked in our separate ways
we didnt even try to stop each other
it was like the decision had already been made


years passed and we just didnt meet again
we were living in the same world, almost the same town but nothing
just hearsay of your fun-filled nights and awful grief
but no words were uttered...........




I dont know where I am looking anymore
I can't see the path I'm to walk on, i'm just told to trust it
I did try to curve the direction but that hasn't resulted in anything as yet
I feel scared that I dont know where it is I should be
which city is for me
which job is for me
what should I do


Feeling scared and alone is not a bad thing I feel
not knowing what I want can be a good thing
in this area anyway
life is not to be rushed
or taken for granted
I am in such a happy place in my love life and so its just this
if I dont get what I went for where do I turn next




hoping for a sign.................... to point n show me the way

So like,

this is how it should be

not worrying about who i am

not trying to hide it

not being scared of people seeing it 

just being happy

the happiest i have ever felt

in all my life

so like,

I basically accepted it 

what I am and wow 

this is what all you lot had your whole life

and finally im there too

not on the sidelines

not watching through the window

but involved 

in it to win it

funny how long it took myself to accept it

when it took most those i know a couple of minutes

seems ive been digesting it all my life

stumbling upon diary entries since the age of 15

knowing i was who i am but fricking scared of being

Weekend away did me so much good

not ever going to forget it

people surprise you sometimes

knock you over in shock

but in a good way

no more two steps forward one step back

this is it

 Rihanna - "We All Want Love"

&& finally I know where to find it! :D 

Fleeting Thoughts

if we just sit down
we sit by the fire
the flames blaze and warm our faces
we don't want to mutter a sound
the night is getting heavy
the rain wont stop pouring
the clock chimes the hour hit
we cant do this again
we cant have this moment forever
one day it will just be a distant memory
we try to ease the pain by humming
humming your favourite song
hoping that it will bring us all together
and stop us all from crying
we cant be as close again as we are now
at this tender age life falls away so fast
we cant just stop it from happening
but we know its going to change
us all forever
take a part of us all
when the words leave our lips
when we say a prayer
when we are all just sat there
by the fire
counting the rain drops on the window
wishing it all would rewind
knowing we are getting closer to the end
and realising we are not ready to let go

Revelations.... Complications

Would it be easier to carry on lying
pretending this has all been a bit of fun n games
act like this is how I like to be with people
like this isn't hard for me too


Like I do it to create
like I do it to make you hate me
sometimes I do wonder why but I cant help it
I have slipped into the same old behaviour and it seems to fit me
I don't want to but I am falling into it
I am disappearing now though
the me that I'm not 
the me that you wish and dream of me being


I wont pretend I don't care
because I always have
I like em 
I want to be their mate
I wanna make them happy and I know that i do
But its me you see
I just cant be that me
I just cant pretend its all A OKAY
when its anything but


I cant create the butterflies
I cant create the wants and needs
I cant stop the tears from gathering in my eyes as I contemplate the maybe




I don't want to hurt you 
I hate making you feel disappointed
but I know deep down this is it
I can like em - sure
I can laugh at their jokes
look pretty on their arm
get low on the dance floor and try hard to show 
the feelings I know you should have
that I don't 
that I pretend
that I fake
till it aches
till I hate 
to look at myself in the mirror
that all I see is fake and lies 


terrified
scared to be the me that I surely will be 
the me that is still me 
I don't change 
I am still me
just honest
truth 






revelations complications 
acceptance
was denial
not to anybody really but me
hiding the me
making me be the she that you dreamt of me
but to me this is me
I am just trying to find it
fit it so it feels nice
and normal
and easy
and not queasy




this is all I wanted to say tonight




2MRW I have Liverpool!!! 


I am so lucky!!! 

Snakes in the grass

People are not always how you expect them to be
or want what you think

I am learning, slowly but I'm getting there

Don't stop me

If I walk towards the door 
don't stop me
don't pull me back or grab my arm
if the tears are rolling down my cheeks
don't try and catch them
just let me go


If I make the decision to leave its because I need to
if I seem like I've changed its probably because I want to
I just don't need to keep raking it all up
I need to start again




Sometimes I think I can see how it may be if I don't do anything
that my whole life will just be a ball which continually rolls backwards
and I will miss out on all that's good and all that's real
and just spend all my time creating the fantasy and reliving the memories
Don't stop me 
when i pack up my heart and shed it of the pain
and shred up the crap that seems to have stuck to it
and just let it all just be as it is today


and don't stop me 
when I try to forget
and please let me stop mentioning you and her and him 
if not for you then for me


don't stop me when I cry it all out
or I shout
or I just run on out and slam the door
so hard that it bangs so loud
and you stand there in shock
stunned by my actions
shocked by my reality
saddened by my loss


not of them but of me
the me that I dream to be
the one that I see in my reflection
in my graduation pictures
in every birthday that passes
in every big event and moment
don't stop me being the me that I want to be
or should and deserve to be
to shine like they do
to be clever and succeed as they will do
to catch up and change quickly and fix the frown to a smile
and wipe away the make up off my face
that got distorted in the rain
that fell from my eyes
and I realised I can also try my best to succeed
and I can also be successful
and I can also be the girl that's admired 
and not the one that spends her nights avoiding
avoiding the happy in case it results in the sad
who avoids the falling in love in case it falls away


Don't stop me from feeling it and being it
the happy that I always wanted
Don't make me forget but let me believe
and have the faith to push on with my dreams and life 




“The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.”

.... free me

I was walking down this dark street 
the street lights barely led the way
I didn't have my phone with me 
to be honest it was nice just being with me


I was walking down this dark street
the moon was hidden behind the full clouds
the clouds that hinted rain was coming
that a storm was on its way


I was walking down this dark street
my head was starting to ease
the pains that I carried around with me started to fall away
into the gutter with the long boozy nights
with the embarrassment of arguments in public places
with the rows that I like to ignore
I collect the good parts and I store them away
lock them up and throw away the key


I was walking down this dark street
a car drives passed in the distance
passing the houses with lights on inside
seeing peoples movements 
missing the company
but not letting that feeling imprison me


I was walking down this dark street
it had such a feeling of calm
such a feeling of everything's going to be all right
that you cant keep thinking like you do
you cant keep looking backwards
you will trip up
you will fall over
you wont have anybody there to catch you if you continue
you need to let it go


Free me I say to myself as I approach my gate
Free me please I say as the tears start to stream
Free me now as I walk towards my front door
Free me free me free me
I say it once more
I reach for my keys
I put them into my door
I close it behind me shutting out the night
shutting out the past, shutting out the life
shutting out all those thoughts that pull me down 
that hang on and choke me 


Free me now I say as I get into bed
turn off my side light
clear my head
I let myself slip into a deep sleep
and hope the morning will bring with it the calm




I was walking down that dark street
with what felt like the world on my back
trying to ruin all that I've built 
all that I've achieved
break my smile
ruin my chances
but now I am free


*Trying so hard to stay sane* 
LAW OF ATTRACTION!

When it's all taken away

the day has been long
the hours felt like minutes and you have just had about enough
but you know theres things to be thought about 
and you cant just give up on it
even though the life you had just started has been put into play
and anything we know has been taken away


I play your song
the one that reminds me of you in a way you'd never know
like a secret even I kept
and Im hoping if you read this you know its you
I don't feel as happy as I once was
I always feel like I'm missing out now
like I pulled the short straw
but don't worry
that's just me
not something you can change


the feeling of you still brings the tears
and makes me feel weak all over but in a good way
and takes all the life out my day
like in your own way
but its silly
because its over
and you dont give a crap
and i dont know what to do
and i dont want to let you go because that would mean losing you
and i dont want to forget you either
and i dont want to lose who i am or what you made of me
but you appear a lot more than youd think
when i catch a train
when i am in my local city
the whole thing
I hope you're good
and just so we are clear
its always been me
to care for those who i no longer have
when its all taken away
i think of you




and to be honest
there's no problem
there's no worry
when it's all taken away
I hope that you'll stay

Little White Lie

sometimes its all we have
sometimes it just the best way to deal with a situation 
it can't hurt they will say
its not hurting anybody




I was just in so much shock
I didnt know how else to react
I didnt mean for those words to fall out of my mouth
but like I say I was just in shock
and even now today
I still feel so -_- about it all
like it was meant to be something easy 




it could change my life
nothing wrong with it now 
but to change it for my childhood dream
or at least a step closer
then yes


so as I said, it is sometimes all we have
all thats left to give
not the truth
but a little white lie
one day you will see this 
and one day you will see why
even my Nan said, its just a little white lie....
what I need to get me by
to get me to that dream up in the sky
something I have wanted all my life
finally starting to climb the steps
to become closer
and wow
I do feel so excited and lucky
and oh god, it better work out right

darkened room

there was this room that I would go to
one which was just a secret
nobody knew about it
and i've never spoken of it before
no one would know it existed and i didn't discuss it 


i would sneak into the darkness and this was where i felt my happiest
the sun wouldn't flood in and i could relax
the silence wasn't a problem this time
it was my saviour
it taught me all i needed to know
it taught me to hear my own thoughts
to listen to my own mind
it allowed me to see how it was 
and i will never forget how much it helped me grow




sometimes i wish i knew how to find it again
tucked behind all these memories that have piled up to the sky
the moon doesn't glow like it used to
the sky seems to have more stars
i used to believe each star was a dead person
when i lost my Nan and my Grandad i would look up and when one shone brighter than the rest 
i would start to talk to them
i was young
death wasn't the thing we knew
it was just a feeling i can never describe
sometimes i still cant get my head around it
it was not something i would talk about 
it hurts others a lot more
but the pain it is my tattoo
the one you cant see
as the ink is the same colour as my skin
n i carry it in my heart
through my every day 


to only see them again
to only ask them EVERY question i've ever mouthed in my mind
to only hug them till it hurt to move
to only tell them how much they have followed me around
and the times that i just believed they were there with me and how they got me through
and how its funny how much i say on here
and how its funny i really trust it
and how its sad that its not a lie that im typing 
and how its just shit how it all goes away
and how i wish to know all there is
and how i want to see so much more
and how i know i am here for more reasons
and this i am sure
and that i know i type with such emotion
but that's just the way that i am
and i hope one day this is my strength and not my weakness 
and it picks me up and helps me pursue
all that there is to see
and all that there is to do


like i say to only see this room again
would not be too soon
to only feel that way i used to
to only be a little girl
to only be riding my bike so fast that id get an adrenaline rush
to only have all my family alive and well
to only cherish and hold every memory for longer than necessary 
to never forget a single moment
to never take anything for granted
to love my parents to the moon and back
and to hate to know it may be one day over
to know that i cant keep it all
to know it has to end one day
someday
maybe not any day soon
maybe not any day at all...


to see them all again 
in that safe place
that place i felt safe
in my darkened room. 

Forgotten

it should all just be forgotten
it should all just be a moment that we don't need to discuss again
we should not waste time telling people 
we should not waste the memories that we have 
we should just learn to remember them for ourselves
for our own time
for our own thoughts
for our own lives
our memories not to be shared
our memories not to be discarded
not to be treated as a nothing
just sit sometime and just let them in 
let yourself see them but don't tell anyone
maybe write them down if u fear you will forget
maybe keep the pictures to remember their faces
maybe search for them on-line now and then to see they are still happy
but just don't swim in it
don't feel its all got to be shared
don't feel its all everybody's business
it can be our secret
you and i 
whoever i think of 
whoever i remember 
forgotten is a fear
to forget makes me worry
to forget makes me sad
but i don't think i will 
each and every person i meet
i will shut into a room away in my mind for a rainy day
for when i need to revisit them
for when i hear that they have moved on 
or left this world and left me in it
i do hope those i do not speak to or see any more are happy
like i am 
like we should all be 
at least someday, anyway




*NOT FORGETTING THE PEOPLE WHO GOT ME WHERE I AM TODAY* 

Grinding to a halt

if it was all just quiet for a moment
people stopped talking
cars stopped flying past with such urgency
the rain held off for a day or two
arguments were silenced
clouds parted and the sun came out
birds didn't whistle a tune
televisions didn't blare out at us
and we all just sat down for a moment
and we gathered our thoughts 
and we thought really hard about our lives
and we solved the drama's that occurred
and we stopped letting the bad things get us down
and we all just sat and didn't make a sound
and the silence became a noise in our minds
and people started getting anxious because there had been no sound in a while
and it was just time ticking away 
and we couldn't keep a hold 
and all those things we had said the day before have all flooded back
and you sit there just drenched in this guilt
and you can barely breathe in without wanting to cry
and you think so hard about the why 
and the reasons behind all of this typing 
and all of this time
and the silence is still there 
and people seem to be used to it
and the calmness finally steps in 
and relieves us all
and the sun is shining so bright 
and wanting to lift all our spirits 
and its just what we needed a moment to ourselves
in this busy hectic over dramatised life we live in
the pushing past people in a rush to make it on time
and playing music loudly into our ears not making a sound
and just not making contact with anybody we see
and not letting people into the eyes that hold our keys
the keys we protect with all that we are
and the cars are now noisy and going too fast
and everybody is just rushing through every day of their lives
and nobody just sits and thinks about it
nobody just takes a moment to understand it
everybody just acts too quickly
and then its too late
people make mistakes and hurt peoples feelings
people get angry and just shout out their words
people destroy things which have taken such time to rebuild
nobody can see it but i feel it daily
the pain in peoples expressions or the way that they walk 
the way they make eye contact before darting past you in a hurry
a hurry to get somewhere that probably doesn't matter
slipping through people in queues 
anxiety and stress and stress and stress
and not enough time! speak later! i'm busy! now is not the best time!
and im sorry it was the weather, the lack of sleep, the alcohol
the panic, the worry, the pushing past crying
the stopping the slowing down the taking a moment
the feelings they've appeared and i realise my mistakes
i feel it, i let it in and i relax and hear it
my mind is calmer its slowing down, not my pulse racing
move slower, take more in, enjoy it all
i like him, i miss him, i wish i didn't react so quick
its ok its ok its ok its ok
im slowing down
im grinding to a halt...
I've stopped now.