I Have Been Here Before..

I have been here before, same place, same space, same facial expression
I have felt this before, the pain, the lust, the confusion
I have fought with my own heart and mind and gut
and I have told myself I would learn

I have seen this look before, the eyes can never lie
I have felt my cheeks burn when I think of what I feel
I have so many times been here and there and wherever 
But I told myself I would learn 


I am just sat and I am thinking and my mind is daydreaming and my heart is bleeding
and I am struggling and I am fighting and I am winning and I have lost
and I hear the lessons and the please dont's' and the be careful's and the too lates'
and the lessons and the lessons and the lessons and the lessons
and I am so angry as I see myself at this time 
and I am so tired of being the same old person and same old mistakes

But I told myself I would learn, the lessons - the fricking lessons 


I sit in a calm room, with the evening drawing in through the curtains and the wind howling round the houses, and the cars driving and the day ending
and I can feel the calmness creeping over me, diminishing the panic and the stresses
and just wrapping me up and helping me cope 
and making me see it - removing the blurs
and I am hearing the lessons, and seeing the mistakes and watching the times roll out before me
and I see the tears and I see the stresses and I see myself saying never again
and I watch it over and I see the loss and feel the grief and whisper the feelings
and I feel it sink in and the heart calms and the room brightens and the day is starting 
The sun has rose and the birds are singing and I am smiling and I am living
and I am seeing and feeling and being and believing.


I have been here before, same place, same space, same facial expression
I have felt this before, the pain, the lust, the confusion
I have fought with my own heart and mind and gut
and I have told myself I would learn... Maybe this time I will.. 

Streams and Skies

Arriving at the destination I have always dreamt of
Looking out at the world I have created
My breathing is halted by the anticipation of seeing your faces again
I can barely contain the tears as they stream down my face
I search for all the strength in the skies above me and I feel my heart sore
Moments pass so slowly although its been such little time as I wait there patiently
I can feel your presence, I do recognise your smell
I am overwhelmed with disbelief that this is happening
You are all stood there in front of me, like angels
Smiling and so happy to have me
I hug them like its the last time, overjoyed that it wont be
We catch up on all that we've missed and share the troubles and triumphs
We can talk all day but the sky is still high and bright

Streams pour water in the surroundings down the hills of my imagination
The sky so high and blue and still...
A moment alone, I start to think of all this time,
Of all their faces and stories and memories
Like a bullet it hits me hard
Why I am here
Why I can see them
For I have joined them
I have left them below and now I am floating through my afterlife
They have all been waiting and watching and hoping and praying
I am here, I miss the life... But I will enjoy the after.

Hands Dealt

I wont lie to you tonight
I cant remember feeling so trapped and tight - my heart feels gripped hard and I am just trying to prevent the pain and the blood from leaving and leaving me heavy and lost
moments of complete madness where you surprise yourself with your own actions
and the words that leave your own lips leave you cold in utter panic
and you see the history repeating itself and you just want to disappear, your shadow to swallow you up quickly so that person will think they imagined it and that you didn't and you hadn't and it was all still the same
but no, don't be daft that would mean it was a happy ending and this wasn't, and it just doesn't seem to end well these days...

history repeating itself, this is a well known phrase these days, just triggers you all to think we don't ever really learn 
So I sit here tonight and I feel bored with what the world seems to spit out these days, and I worry that I am living it with such little bliss, and I wonder what I could have done if this, and that and the other and then I just shush it right off, and I believe all direction was correct and that actually it is all a-OK and that you just all look for the things you don't have in others, and you struggle accepting yourself because you aren't the same as the next person, and you struggle to let people move on as that means that it is actually over and that would mean that something went wrong and sometimes defeat is the worst thing and feeling in the world- because it just reminds you of the past and in turn - history repeating itself 
and you remember the tears as they fell like rocks and smashed up the world you had then and you think to yourself how did i ever get through that - but I stop you
you did and you have and you need to trust
Trust you utter shit, trust so hard its funny, without it you wont enjoy much...

Like a lecture I type this out and I will remember it and I will stop the moaning for now as I realise the issues now and I know the pain that was and know it wont just throw itself at me again carelessly

Just gotta go with it, things change, fcuk it, that's life... what can anyone tell ya really!? 

What Does It Mean?

What does it mean when I act like I do
When you look at me blankly and don't have a clue
and I carry on toying like you are my prize 
but one that keeps breaking and making me cry
and all of these horses and all of these men
could not mend my heart or head again
and I fear for how long it may actually take
for me to be trusting and give you a break
and I know that your stupid as you made the doubt
and you made it hurt and you freaked me out
and you are the reason that I do as I do
as I don't know how I do it and you don't have a clue 
and so we keep plodding around in circles and bends
and we both get so angry and beg for the end
as that will be the decider and we both will understand 
but until that moments creates itself lets just bury ourselves in the sand


I know that you ruined the trust I had built up
and not only through you but all those before
and now I am angry because it is all damaged and you don't even see it or know it or understand it 
and so I am just going over and over in my head till I'm tired and warn out 
screaming and shouting in my head - afraid to let it out


So I write this out and I wonder what to do 
how will it get better - will it?
what do I even want?