Your life

Walk with caution
Look out for the traps
Don't listen to what they say
They'll never change
Remember who you are
Nothing else matters
No one else matters
Just you
Your path
Your choice
Your decisions
Stick by them
Don't let people influence them
Only you
Your voice
Your rules
Your life

The performance

The stage was lit
It was getting late
The backstage area was cold and dimly lit
I was going through my notes
Rehearsing in my head
I wasnt sure who had come tonight
And I was too scared to look
They sent the chime through the theater
It was quite exciting
To know in just moments I was going to bare my soul to loads of faces
The nerves had started but quite soon became numb once the vodka had kicked in
That was my prompt
Off I went
Walking round the corridor approaching the stairs
The stage was eery
No noise was surrounding it
I stepped up
My heart sunk
One face in all this
Rows and rows of seats
And just one face
I walked up to the mic
"Thanks for coming..... "

Fantasies and dreams

When I get it I'll let you know
It will be a find I tell you
Keep stumbling thinking I know
But clearly I don't

Not sure why this happens
I guess my mouth speaks words of untruth
So much so I create
And eventually end up with a fantasy
One that isn't ever real

I want what you have
Yet I keep thinking I've found it
I look back at my past fondly
When it was anything but
I let you meet n greet them
I think it's real
But it isn't n the feelings don't exist

It is starting to hurt me
It doesn't bring me down
It just worries me that I can be so wrong
They never change
They jus come back again and do it worse this time
Leave me reeling
Leave me positively empty
With just this dream and some tears
And this mess on my carpet

I do try not to
I do try letting it go
But I also try everso to make you lot see I'm just not the same make up
I do things differently
With different people
I get on by quite happily on my own
Yes nothing is certain
Alone isn't my plan either
But its all I feel right now
Tricking myself into this that and other
Only ever leaves me myself and I

Death && Taxes

Whats with all this death and taxes?
Death and sadness
Death and leaving
No explanation
Just pop and they're gone gone
Never to come back back
And it's meant to be taken as okay
Normal
Get with it get over it move on
New day new moment another breath
Noone explains
Just the name and the age
Like it makes a difference
Like older means its alright
N younger cuz its stolen life
I just hate it
I dread it
It pulls me deep into the soil
It drowns my smile
I don't know what to think
Or what to believe
Just a word and its on with the next
Like its a routine
Like lifes some kinda dream
A nightmare when it ends
Do we know?
Do we feel it?
Can I even ask this?
Will it hurt your feelings?
Do we go anywhere?
Or does life just end?
Does it just stop?
Then what? Another game of cards
See what we dealt
See if it's me next
Or you next
Or give me a fcukin clue
Death and taxes
Death and sadness
Death and never know what's gunna happen next

One day

One day
I will be ok
And when I say ok, I'm not lying
One day
I will not feel the hurt
I'll have learnt the lesson
One day
Ill just be happy
And I'll live each day as I want to
One day
It will just be how it should
Noone will use me
Noone will make me feel like shit
I will be strong enough to battle through
One day....

Find Me

come and find me

take my hand

ill be the one in silence under the coats

ill be praying for them

missing them

wishing i could see them

but id never tell you

id keep it wrapped up

so tight it hurts to move

hurts to breathe

sometimes i get caught

sometimes i get scared

i wish and think too much

i hear it all too often

i hear them say oh she doesn't know when to stop, when to shut up

but i worry

i fear being older

people get older too

people leave you

people leave life

they just go without a manual

without any explanation

you sit there struggling as the tears burn your face

as they splash onto the floor

as they stain the clothes

as you wish so hard... what would they say

what advice would they pass on 

please be here 

you're screaming

it's just too much

you scream so loud your voice burns out

you cant cry

you cant be angry

you're just stuck

you just run

you just hide 

you grab what you can and you bury deep

you bury yourself so deep no one can find you

.....come and find me 

take my hand

Ill be the one in silence under the coats 

Steps

I wasn't sure where to go today
everywhere seemed consumed by life
I just needed the air tonight - somewhere free

I must have walked for hours searching for that peace of mind
sometimes I feel I spend my life looking
I didn't want anyone knowing the depths I was swimming in
no need to worry them
just plod on with it I think to myself
until the day you find it

I came across them today
they soothed every part of my being
spring cleaned my mind of its stress and worry
and cleaned up the messes people had left behind
the steps
the steps that kept me in the right direction
they knew to take me higher
knew I would cope

I wasn't sure what to say today
so I snuck off
blended in with the dark heavy grey clouds
fragmented rain
the blistering wind
I let it take me off the ground
I let it blow me into the distance
I landed suddenly
the steps caught my fall
they were there ready to deal with it all
again
steps
steps of relief
steps of certainty.

The Cave

Grabbing everything
Dragging it to your cave
Telling it you will love it like no other
Being brave
Don't whisper not even a word
Watch the flames from the forest fire
Don't get too lost
For fire will hypnotise the strongest eye
Make a wish
Hold it tight
Don't let the words escape tonight
Look up high
Towards the sky
And know the stars came for us
To take away the darkness
Instil some hope
Guard us from badness
Ssssh
Not a sound
Close your eyes
Sleep tonight
For tomorrow will be different
Better
Keeping the hope

Become better

I'm not stupid
I know you're ignoring me
And I try so hard to think this is a reflection of you
See, I know I do all I can for you and I care more than you'll ever know
Yet you jus ignore me
Brush me aside like trash
Pop up on your terms when you're bored
And I sit in my thoughts blaming myself
I allow my mood to break
I try hard not to become upset
I try so hard to forget
But I can't
I won't
I shouldn't have to
You should treat me better
I should learn to let go when you don't...

From the outside

If there was a book
Id be missing pages
If it were a song
I'd never learn the words
I would just be sat there
In the loudest room
Filled with people
Knowing the dance moves
And not be involved

Cuz I just didn't get it
The memo missed my inbox
I google it daily
And still not an inkling
I feel lost
I feel alone
But please don't say I ever moan
Cuz quietly I sit
Watching the actions
Feeling the warmth
From the outside, looking in

Whats the worst?

Watch me as I walk towards them
Nothing in my way
Nothing to hide
Stronger than they realise

Don't let them interrupt me as I start
Don't let a bad word be said to me
Tell me you'll be there for me

What's the worst, I said before today
What could they ever really do?
Who knew this n that would be here?

Watch me as I walk towards them
Don't draw attention to my trembling hands
Don't let them see the fear behind my eyes
Help me breathe calmly

Stood against the wind
Face is getting cold
Wish I was wrapped up
At home with my man
But instead here making points
Strutting my beliefs
Tryna look hard
Frontin' them out
Sticking my all in
What's the worst?

If only for the night

If only for the night
I'd go back to so many places
Just to see the faces the young me would make
If only for the night
I'd quickly visit those people who no longer visit me
If only for the night
I'd want to see them all, sit them all down and ask every question in my heart before they leave us
If only for the night
I'd watch back times I loved
Those times that bring a tear
Those times I fell in love
Those times I always remember
If only for the night
I'd be someplace different
In a different head space
Different age
Different moment
If only... for the night

We wait

So come and sit with me
Watch the sea come in and dampen our feet
But never dampen your spirit

We sit and watch the sun go down
Hide behind the waves
Leave us for another day

The stars arrive on schedule
And we point out the brightest
For it only just joined
It left us here and went above

All we had was memories
The happiness you brought
N the sorrow you left behind

But we watched you
We watched you in the element you felt content in
Yes we had lost you physically
But you'll always be up there
Watching us live
As time gets old and we come and join you
Never forgotten

RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS
"Genie, you are free"

Problem

We knew something had happened
For noone would look at us straight
It was like looking too long would give them away
They weren't stupid they were just dishonest
They would be the people who would make a fuss for people in the know or with money
Just your average
That was us
Nothing special
Nothing to write home about
Just making a living like everybody else
But they didn't see us like that
They saw us as a problem
The problem
They would never guess we were a force to be reckoned with
Mark my words

.... they'd all see it eventually

Gesture

Think about it they said
See what you think
It won't be forever
Just until you feel ready
Jus until you feel confident
They wont hurt you
They never meant to last time
Come on
Jus give it one chance
If it goes wrong we'll catch you
We always catch you
You'll be so happy you tried
You'd be so happy
You wannabe happy don't you?

Ripped Jeans

I don't ask anyone to come in anymore
for the room is just falling apart
the house isn't the bright and breezy place it once was to me 
I look around at scattered life falling off chairs and marking my walls and it makes me sad
I don't ask anyone to come over anymore 
- for to see this, would open a can of worms

I tried to clean it all up today
the rain was falling down outside and I didn't want to venture out
but the stains wouldn't budge from the surface
I seemed to just make them worse
I don't ask anyone to help me anymore
for I don't even know what I am trying to do

the night rolled around faster today than I am used to
the clouds filled the sky and then it turned black
I walked outside into my garden and I looked up
I saw the glistening planets in the distance 
all blinking at me 
I felt the emotions build up inside me 
I couldn't keep it back anymore
I couldn't hide it from anyone
I was just stood there and it felt like the sky was falling in on me
it became darker and it became colder 
and I started to shiver 
and I started to worry

I don't ask anyone to come in anymore
for the room is just too messy
the place is falling down around me
and I am starting to feel trapped
I want to become the free bird I always was
the one who wanted to fly higher than anyone
to touch the clouds with my hands
to just disappear when I wanted to 
not to be tied down
not to be kept in a box
not to be packed up
not to be labelled
not to belong to anyone but myself
to be my own person
to grow up and become better
work harder
try harder
go hard or go home I say
its all I can muster
do everything in your power
and when you can't give anymore
time-out
call it a day
pack yourselves up and be on your way
and walk down the untried roads
entwining with dreams and nightmares
entangled in my past and future worries
and all boxed up with a bow
and try and outrun me 
see how fast you can go
trust me I will go faster than you
I will sprint
I will let my feet bleed
I will let myself ache so much I feel sick
I'll be sick
I'll outrun you
watch me go
see me leave
see me in the distance climbing a tree
climbing so high
seeing it all
standing on top of the tallest branch
holding on
balancing 
letting go
feeling free
to the ground 
I will fall
watch me now 
don't catch my fall
let me be what I will be 
don't you ever try and stop me....

Tuesday thoughts

If you asked me to tell you.... you'd wanna rewind time for eternity. Not even I could handle this truth #TuesdayThoughts