Today was the day
today was the last day we'd of had for that while
the last time we'd have together
today was the date that rang bells in my mind as I woke
Today is the time I'd of shed tears
tears for the loss of your company
who'd of known I'd of lost it already
who'd of guessed the way life plays sometimes...
Instead today is just a Sunday
the end of the 7th month
my last day off before my first targeted week in my new job
the 3rd time I meet that new somebody in my life
How I'm glad it all left how it did
as now I feel like I've come so much further
flat hunting, independence, that new person
:) Smiles fill my heart, my mind, my whole self
finally!!! life is here and I'm happy
nothing will change how much I've experienced
but wow, today is it!
the realisation that my life is my own and I am loving it more than I have in a while!!!
:) Hope you all have a great day!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday 31 July 2011
Wednesday 27 July 2011
So I was just sitting here
Did you even remember that first time?
That first time we laid our eyes on each other?
That flame that lit below my ribs for that moment,
and only recently burnt out...
Did you even feel the pain I felt?
Did you remember how it was
the excitement, the excitement of learning it all
learning all about each other's lives
That night we stayed up talking till almost dawn
About our past lives,
Our past experiences,
The childhood memories,
I won't forget it,
You will go down as one of my favourite times
You will be down in my heart as the one I loved for that moment
I won't forget
I won't forget
Don't you forget it either....
Check out One Sixth Of Tommy.... Amazing!!!!
That first time we laid our eyes on each other?
That flame that lit below my ribs for that moment,
and only recently burnt out...
Did you even feel the pain I felt?
Did you remember how it was
the excitement, the excitement of learning it all
learning all about each other's lives
That night we stayed up talking till almost dawn
About our past lives,
Our past experiences,
The childhood memories,
I won't forget it,
You will go down as one of my favourite times
You will be down in my heart as the one I loved for that moment
I won't forget
I won't forget
Don't you forget it either....
Check out One Sixth Of Tommy.... Amazing!!!!
Tuesday 26 July 2011
Sunday 24 July 2011
Positive
Good Evening!!
I have started to feel better, somebody out there has brought back my smile and I am very fortunate to know this person
I know what I want from my life
* the career
* the nice flat/house
* the nice car
* the amazing gf
these are all things I wish to look at getting now, I feel like I have just got back to being me again and it feels wonderful, spending those times alone with yourself I think can be beneficial, just to listen away to your minds thoughts
Only YOU can change your life, only YOU can make it better.
Why wait about for something to fall on your lap, just get up and get out and go grab it all!
Now for some random poem I told someone I'd write
One day, you will wake up
You will get up and get ready for your day
Make breakfast in your brand new kitchen,
Sit in your gorgeous new car
Drive to your dream job.
You will have a great day,
The sun will be shining,
Everybody you pass will smile with you
You will get home and be greeted by your lil cat
&& sit down next to your amazing fiancée,
You will fall asleep in her arms
Kiss her on her lips,
&& think to yourself
"How lucky am I right now"
Life is something we all have
For as long as we are allowed
We experience the good and the bad and the ugly
But we must remember to keep smiling
Keep thinking about the good
&& let the bad fall away
Don't let the change scare you
When you feel so comfy one day and lost the next
Remember what you want from your time here
Remember what you dreamt of as a child
Remember the advice you've been given
Trust your instincts
Follow your dreams
Have faith in all that you do
Things are sent to try us
But stand back up and be counted
Stand back up and be tall
Stand back up, dust yourself off and get out of life what you desire
Law of Attraction is Everywhere
I have started to feel better, somebody out there has brought back my smile and I am very fortunate to know this person
I know what I want from my life
* the career
* the nice flat/house
* the nice car
* the amazing gf
these are all things I wish to look at getting now, I feel like I have just got back to being me again and it feels wonderful, spending those times alone with yourself I think can be beneficial, just to listen away to your minds thoughts
Only YOU can change your life, only YOU can make it better.
Why wait about for something to fall on your lap, just get up and get out and go grab it all!
Now for some random poem I told someone I'd write
One day, you will wake up
You will get up and get ready for your day
Make breakfast in your brand new kitchen,
Sit in your gorgeous new car
Drive to your dream job.
You will have a great day,
The sun will be shining,
Everybody you pass will smile with you
You will get home and be greeted by your lil cat
&& sit down next to your amazing fiancée,
You will fall asleep in her arms
Kiss her on her lips,
&& think to yourself
"How lucky am I right now"
Life is something we all have
For as long as we are allowed
We experience the good and the bad and the ugly
But we must remember to keep smiling
Keep thinking about the good
&& let the bad fall away
Don't let the change scare you
When you feel so comfy one day and lost the next
Remember what you want from your time here
Remember what you dreamt of as a child
Remember the advice you've been given
Trust your instincts
Follow your dreams
Have faith in all that you do
Things are sent to try us
But stand back up and be counted
Stand back up and be tall
Stand back up, dust yourself off and get out of life what you desire
Law of Attraction is Everywhere
How it all began.
I never really thought about much at all when younger,
I used to get up, breakfast, school, home time, dinner, bed,
I never used to sit and write my thoughts out,
I never used to worry about a thing.
I used to dream of being clever,
I used to dream big,
I used to strive for it all,
I used to plan my future with such innocence.
I am not where I thought I'd be,
Does life ever play out how you think,
Are we all just striving for the impossible?
Is it all just a cruel game?
I never became that person I used to dream of being
I didn't steer myself onto the right path,
But wow, my life has been so colourful,
I don't regret a second.
Now I need to continue skipping,
along this yellow brick road,
Bigger picture, bigger dreams,
Bigger reality.
I am still the little girl,
She is still in me,
She will always be.
I used to get up, breakfast, school, home time, dinner, bed,
I never used to sit and write my thoughts out,
I never used to worry about a thing.
I used to dream of being clever,
I used to dream big,
I used to strive for it all,
I used to plan my future with such innocence.
I am not where I thought I'd be,
Does life ever play out how you think,
Are we all just striving for the impossible?
Is it all just a cruel game?
I never became that person I used to dream of being
I didn't steer myself onto the right path,
But wow, my life has been so colourful,
I don't regret a second.
Now I need to continue skipping,
along this yellow brick road,
Bigger picture, bigger dreams,
Bigger reality.
I am still the little girl,
She is still in me,
She will always be.
wandering minds
The first is just some random thought of mine.... written in 10mins, I didnt really think much it just was.
The second is reality.
The news had sunken in,
family tried to support her through it,
tried to say the things they thought would help it,
this situation wasn't common,
out of ones depth in worry
For how did this happen they would whisper,
how did this happen to our child,
what could have possibly caused this.
Days scraped on by,
the pain it caused was felt by all,
the ripped up feelings, such visible wounds,
The more they thought it,
over and over in ones mind
the more it seemed impossible.
The time had arrived,
for them all to say their goodbyes,
people gathered from all over
in disbelief,
in funeral attire,
they all stood to pay their respects..
For people they fall in and out of life,
you appear with a celebration,
you leave with a celebration,
no one tells you how it will feel,
or how to cope,
there is no book out there with guidelines.
Had you seen me,
had you felt the pain,
had you watched the tears fall,
would it have changed your mind?
Had you heard the cries,
had you seen my thoughts,
had you caught my fall,
would it have stopped you?
Would it have made you think,
would it have clutched at your heart,
would it have done a thing at all?
I don't know now,
when I sit alone,
Calming my heart down
Picking up the broken pieces
The pieces you created,
The pieces that should have never been...
The second is reality.
The news had sunken in,
family tried to support her through it,
tried to say the things they thought would help it,
this situation wasn't common,
out of ones depth in worry
For how did this happen they would whisper,
how did this happen to our child,
what could have possibly caused this.
Days scraped on by,
the pain it caused was felt by all,
the ripped up feelings, such visible wounds,
The more they thought it,
over and over in ones mind
the more it seemed impossible.
The time had arrived,
for them all to say their goodbyes,
people gathered from all over
in disbelief,
in funeral attire,
they all stood to pay their respects..
For people they fall in and out of life,
you appear with a celebration,
you leave with a celebration,
no one tells you how it will feel,
or how to cope,
there is no book out there with guidelines.
Had you seen me,
had you felt the pain,
had you watched the tears fall,
would it have changed your mind?
Had you heard the cries,
had you seen my thoughts,
had you caught my fall,
would it have stopped you?
Would it have made you think,
would it have clutched at your heart,
would it have done a thing at all?
I don't know now,
when I sit alone,
Calming my heart down
Picking up the broken pieces
The pieces you created,
The pieces that should have never been...
Saturday 23 July 2011
I remember it well...
Evening, wow how sad is it about Amy... I think we are all guilty of thinking our lives can't get any worse, sometimes... But seriously, they do say there are people out there who have it worse... We should be grateful for what we have really!!!
I love the song I have posted on here, I forgot about it... some music just speaks to your hearts core don't you find that??
"I remember it well
The first time that I saw
Your head around the door
'Cause mine stopped working"
I have been up and down so many times in my life, and I do believe in time I will get that balance back again.. I am feeling under the weather today though, swollen glands ouchie!!
Damien Rice was amazing when he first hit my ears! Still is..
Life can be over so quickly, it is strange to think some people just disappear like that, one minute they are there in your presence, chatting away laughing at silly things, and the next.. not even there smell is present anymore... just emptiness really.. you struggle to adjust to the lack of this person in your life.. you fall asleep panicking as you don't know what will happen now that person has left your little bubble of life... the tears fall for the memories that surround you and this person's mini world that once controlled everything... your heart struggles with it all and you try desperately to regain the control of your heart strings that were once reigned in.
You lie there exhausted by the emotion that has just flooded your heart, drowned your mind in sadness and want, the feeling of complete physical aching, the tears soaking into your bed sheets, the darkness outside your window fills your eyes, you feel trapped in emotion that you can't prevent as the memories flood on in over and over, clouding all the good that was there moments earlier... and then you stop... you remind your heart that this is true, that it did pass on by, that you couldn't stop it... almost like your holding your heart up, with all your strength, it feels so heavy... and then you have drifted off, away, into your dreams... the night becomes still, the life outside your windows ticks away, cars passing, traffic lights turn red, then amber then green... the dark night turns to morning... you wake up, you feel tired, tired of every feeling you have, tired of the thoughts that are spinning round your mind... but you jolt, you have work- you must carry on with life.
-x-
Thursday 21 July 2011
Upon new beginnings..
Good evening... :)
I would love to start by mentioning the post before this one... I was stressed out, and I needed to vent it... I will keep it there as a reminder for how things were so in time I can see the growth.
I am not an angry person, I now realise that post may not stand in my defence but it has been years since I allowed myself to be hurt...
I decided to go cold turkey with it all, and I must be honest, it feels like I've lost a huge part of me.. I know its going to be for the best in the long run but I must say now, that doesn't soften the blow... the odd thing was, when I called her to say goodbye I felt sick, I felt gutted but I knew it was the right thing to do, I mean she isn't sure with what she wants any more, and I can't hold out in hope either... We were trying out the whole lets be friends routine but it just didn't seem to work for me, I can't just switch off my feelings you know? I mean honestly, we were never mates before so who's to say that route would ever work??
I started this blog telling you all how my life is playing out right now, and I explained how the feeling of being in love was the best I've ever had, and it is still true, the hurt is agony but wow, the ride is always worth it dont you think?
You know, in all we endure in life, something painful will surely end it, in every aspect of everyone's lives, something always changes.
People change, lives grow apart sometimes, people decide they want something else, dreams become blurred or distant and in the end the bottom line for everything we do in life is to make sure we are happy as individuals.
You are all aware of how life works, you enter alone and you leave alone and what you do in the middle is your own creation, "The Secret" is so true in this case and when I sit and really think about it, the secret is around us all the time.
I never thought one day I would come out, I never thought one day I'd of met someone like I did, and we would have that bond for that short time, and I never really thought about the ending, but it is not a discussion I can now bring to any table as the day came, we surely did meet and it has so unfortunately ended and I just gotta roll with the punches now.
I feel bad sometimes I feel great sometimes, but I also know this is my law of attraction. Yes it hurts and yes it sucks but it is just the way it is.
I am so thankful I had that time though, it was a real ball :) It taught me about me, and now I need to keep the lesson, I need to carry on with me and carry on striving through my life.
Nothing lasts forever, and these past few months flew, but I did enjoy it!
I wish this person all the best, I don't even know if she'll see this any more, like I said I went cold turkey...
Never say never ... truth is no one knows what's next, life is about the element of surprise- but if you think about something enough, it always has a weird way of coming true.
Take it easy people!! It's Friday 2mrw!! :D wooohooo!!!
-x-
I would love to start by mentioning the post before this one... I was stressed out, and I needed to vent it... I will keep it there as a reminder for how things were so in time I can see the growth.
I am not an angry person, I now realise that post may not stand in my defence but it has been years since I allowed myself to be hurt...
I chose this song because I love it!!
I started this blog telling you all how my life is playing out right now, and I explained how the feeling of being in love was the best I've ever had, and it is still true, the hurt is agony but wow, the ride is always worth it dont you think?
You know, in all we endure in life, something painful will surely end it, in every aspect of everyone's lives, something always changes.
People change, lives grow apart sometimes, people decide they want something else, dreams become blurred or distant and in the end the bottom line for everything we do in life is to make sure we are happy as individuals.
You are all aware of how life works, you enter alone and you leave alone and what you do in the middle is your own creation, "The Secret" is so true in this case and when I sit and really think about it, the secret is around us all the time.
I never thought one day I would come out, I never thought one day I'd of met someone like I did, and we would have that bond for that short time, and I never really thought about the ending, but it is not a discussion I can now bring to any table as the day came, we surely did meet and it has so unfortunately ended and I just gotta roll with the punches now.
I feel bad sometimes I feel great sometimes, but I also know this is my law of attraction. Yes it hurts and yes it sucks but it is just the way it is.
I am so thankful I had that time though, it was a real ball :) It taught me about me, and now I need to keep the lesson, I need to carry on with me and carry on striving through my life.
Nothing lasts forever, and these past few months flew, but I did enjoy it!
I wish this person all the best, I don't even know if she'll see this any more, like I said I went cold turkey...
Never say never ... truth is no one knows what's next, life is about the element of surprise- but if you think about something enough, it always has a weird way of coming true.
Take it easy people!! It's Friday 2mrw!! :D wooohooo!!!
-x-
Wednesday 20 July 2011
simple case of ...
Good Evening Blog!!
I am writing this after one very stressy day at work... not just because its work but because of how i am feeling.
It will be a simple post, it is just to remind myself of recent events so I stop being dragged through shi* by individuals.
Break ups suck real ass, whether u initiate, u receive it or whatever - they are never the best things to happen
However, as the Dalai Lama states, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson"
This is very true for what I am about to state to myself now.
I have felt like shiz these past few weeks and I am sick of it... my appetite has changed, my moods diminished and it is all for some 4 month fling if you will... Honestly? I am sick of hearing myself think about it, I am sick of talking to friends about it, I am sick of it controlling my mood on a daily basis... So this is it!!
I am throwing in the towel! I can't spend any more of my life wallowing in this shiz, it was not ever something I saw lasting forever so I don't know why it has affected me so much, maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that I gave this person me, and I asked them to look after it and they didn't and it feels strange, I feel numb over the idea of this person now.
I look at this person and I don't miss them, I don't feel anything but pain, and not pain because I want it back but pain that I let it happen. Life is about the experience and the lesson from that experience
I love my life, I am chatting to people now that make me happy, I hope it blossoms into more, I deserve it, and this other does too!
Why cry over spilt milk? Will my tears change it? Will my anger reverse the clock? NO it never does, it is just a circle, it has left behind the past and it has continued...
I will not go backwards anymore, I will not look back in hope, I will not allow this person to do any more damage to me - It is over!
Friendship? I don't know, if asked right now? No thank you, my friends care about me, like i do them- this person dropped that care for me to the floor when they threw it at me for something else...
I know this blog is intense, I know this blog may cause some bad karma, I am not trying to offend anybody involved, I just needed to get this out as a reminder so when I am sat there with my heart in tatters playing through my painful past with this person I can see this and remind myself of how it really is... and how it is all over now and the door has closed on this time.
4 months went by in a blink, the scars will surely heal in time...
Thank you for the experience - it was fun -x-
I am writing this after one very stressy day at work... not just because its work but because of how i am feeling.
It will be a simple post, it is just to remind myself of recent events so I stop being dragged through shi* by individuals.
Break ups suck real ass, whether u initiate, u receive it or whatever - they are never the best things to happen
However, as the Dalai Lama states, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson"
This is very true for what I am about to state to myself now.
I have felt like shiz these past few weeks and I am sick of it... my appetite has changed, my moods diminished and it is all for some 4 month fling if you will... Honestly? I am sick of hearing myself think about it, I am sick of talking to friends about it, I am sick of it controlling my mood on a daily basis... So this is it!!
I am throwing in the towel! I can't spend any more of my life wallowing in this shiz, it was not ever something I saw lasting forever so I don't know why it has affected me so much, maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that I gave this person me, and I asked them to look after it and they didn't and it feels strange, I feel numb over the idea of this person now.
I look at this person and I don't miss them, I don't feel anything but pain, and not pain because I want it back but pain that I let it happen. Life is about the experience and the lesson from that experience
I love my life, I am chatting to people now that make me happy, I hope it blossoms into more, I deserve it, and this other does too!
Why cry over spilt milk? Will my tears change it? Will my anger reverse the clock? NO it never does, it is just a circle, it has left behind the past and it has continued...
I will not go backwards anymore, I will not look back in hope, I will not allow this person to do any more damage to me - It is over!
Friendship? I don't know, if asked right now? No thank you, my friends care about me, like i do them- this person dropped that care for me to the floor when they threw it at me for something else...
I know this blog is intense, I know this blog may cause some bad karma, I am not trying to offend anybody involved, I just needed to get this out as a reminder so when I am sat there with my heart in tatters playing through my painful past with this person I can see this and remind myself of how it really is... and how it is all over now and the door has closed on this time.
4 months went by in a blink, the scars will surely heal in time...
Thank you for the experience - it was fun -x-
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Starting again...
Someday soon I'll be sat in this room,
It will be still and calm,
The traffic outside will become silent,
The world will feel like its stopped for that moment...
I will be here looking at you,
Pictures from the days of old times,
Of the letters you sent,
My mind taking me through the memories of our time,
My eyes will close,
My heart will be calmer,
I will feel at peace.
Because I know it was real,
I know you and me found something,
You and me found something together,
The memories will fade in time
But for this moment they are here,
I wont shed a tear though,
I wont let you know though,
I will not whisper a word.
I'll open my eyes,
I'll breathe in deep,
I'll feel you leave me as I exhale,
We were together once
We were happy once
It was love.
[Just something that needed to be written- 13th July 2011]
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
-x-
It will be still and calm,
The traffic outside will become silent,
The world will feel like its stopped for that moment...
I will be here looking at you,
Pictures from the days of old times,
Of the letters you sent,
My mind taking me through the memories of our time,
My eyes will close,
My heart will be calmer,
I will feel at peace.
Because I know it was real,
I know you and me found something,
You and me found something together,
The memories will fade in time
But for this moment they are here,
I wont shed a tear though,
I wont let you know though,
I will not whisper a word.
I'll open my eyes,
I'll breathe in deep,
I'll feel you leave me as I exhale,
We were together once
We were happy once
It was love.
[Just something that needed to be written- 13th July 2011]
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
-x-
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Finding the words..
BANKSY.
Good evening.
I wasn't sure about writing this blog, but I cant get into the sleep mode just now and I really think it would help me if I got it all down. As you may or may not know, I was in a relationship when I started this blog, and now, very recently in fact that came to an end. I can't say it was my decision, because that would be a lie.
I have spent the last few days walking through my day to day in a mad state, mad at why? Mad at what, mad at every if and but... However, I always end on the same note, with the same thought, it is no more.
I really never thought about how my blog would take shape or whether I would continue to fill its boxes once I started, but I must say, I was grateful to have signed in tonight, my first entry has spoken so much sense to me, I already feel better than I did an hour ago.
So what do I do now, I often hear my mind ask, and my heart, with its repair work under-way, struggling to let go of that amazing adventure stubbornly backs away... It is agony, truth be told... I can't lie on such an honest blog, it is painful... I was in love and now its gone and I am left feeling like an empty shelf in a once loved family home... random metaphor haha but yes...
I do not wish to continue in the wallow of heartbreak but instead to try my best at fixing the mess I have emotionally in front of me....
To take action, as my life is flying past at a rate and I am letting it... I have a new job :) It is the rock in my independent life right now.. I would literally be messy without it right now, it gives me 9 hours a day away from the bustling madness that is living with your parents, surrounded by happy couples to do something I believe in and get paid for it. :) I also have a gym within yards of my house, which I am now avidly attending as it seems to be the only thing to vent on right now...
How long does it take to completely pick yourself up? My advice below was good, but I did miss out time frames, so I figure, just ride it out--- no other option... I have been lucky to experience such a time, with an individual I am very fond of even now... but life to me is a path, no reversing in this game... just keep on plodding through it, the thick of it will pass and it will start to shine for me again... bright like the sunshine (in any place but the UK)...
I know it is a long one tonight but I figured, why the hell not?! Its a Tuesday and this is how I roll...
Keep busy, keep on top of it all now... It was fun...
TC
-x-
Saturday 9 July 2011
Head Mesh
Banksy.
What a jingled old mess, I lie here not having left my slumber I fell into last night, and I am overthinking as I sometimes find myself doing... deep thinker, is what I am... I dont plan on making this a negative post today, but I just cant find the words to express it to anybody so I chose you to spill it on..
I am 24, as you may or may not know, and I have recently been struggling with negativity... relationship worries mainly and it has started to become a daily thing...
Trust what exactly is it?? I once got told, "trust is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting they wont" - trusting they wont??? that is an awfully big deal, the power to hurt you??? How beautiful a thought, I was 17 the first time I truly felt betrayed of my trust, and I dont think that 7 years down this rocky old road known as life, it was ever truly mended.
I mean I can trust, surely... I trust the busdriver everyday on my way to work, that he will get me there safely, that when I ask someone to mind my belongings for a time that they wont run off with them... that when I say I love you, I will have this said back to me, as meaningful as it was leaving my lips as it is theirs..
But recently as I state above, this feeling of worry has left a dark cloud above me, and I have spent my days shrugging it off, only to wake with it there again, above my head.. What am I scared of? Why do I feel so paranoid?
I mean karma is a big thing to me, as is the Law of Attraction, so I am perfectly aware that this continued negative balloon I am dragging around with me, is surely my own making... but I am unsure of how to fix it, how to let it go, like the girl in the picture.. how to believe that what I think may happen wont, and that when I trust my partner it will be treasured, and that I will only have what I give in return...
I state all this clearly I read it to myself as I type, I think about it constantly, but still, that cloud is there, that cloud that dampens my dreams, that ruins my smile, that falls down my face in tears of fear... fear that I know how much it hurts, that I have been here before, that I will fall down again... betrayed and without trust....
I do apologise for the deepness of this post today, I just had to say it all, get it out so I can get up and get on...
Maybe now I have closure... -x-
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