Future Gains

I need to find my path
the ground is trashed
I cant see in the dark
I keep falling over
knees all bloody
arms scarred
heart feels faint

I expect this time to pass though
I am always a half full glass girl
I will always get back up
no such thing as a lose in my fight
I always win
always succeed
I strive to complete every mission I set myself

This latest mission has left me weaker than ever before
as its a mission from my desire and dreams
the future I have longed for all my life
the ability to teach
to learn and educate myself to a level I am content with
to be a significant role in someone else's life
to be worthy
to be needed
to be loved

I want to be the girl I used to daydream about
the girl I see in the pictures of my childhood
the talent and raw confidence that I etched out over the years of turbulence
the feeling of never being enough will surely fade over time
the feeling will be shifted to a new positive and vibrant person
the person i keep locked away in my pocket
she can only visit me
she never stays
she is stuck in this life of pretense
of sales and targets and bullshit

it doesn't suit me
the clothes don't fit anymore
they never did
it was never my image
never my creation
just the wardrobe got dull
I didnt change with the fashion

No more
its my time now
my time now
my time
Now
I will get it

Thanks for letting me spill this

Bad Dreams

I wont be the last person to say this
but life is hard
I often sit alone at home when the day is just flying past me and I am just paralysed
I am unable to feel or move or even form a sentence and its scary.

The trouble with my sleeping habits has been a long battle
I am so tired from being tired
I often just lie there and think about everything
Don't do it
It opens up every can of worm that ever lived

Scared is something I feel from the dreams when I have finally passed into sleep
I am lost in these mazes of disbelief and fear
I am waking up in moods and I can't control them
I am fighting my own unconscious and its terrifying

Explain a dream, have you ever tried to?
People look at you like something they trod in
They are like they did what?
Chased you, killed you?
Dreams, what a laugh
we go to sleep to relax and yet I am dealing with it all over again

What is this life becoming?
I sit and I watch people walking passed my windows with there existence in tow
Me sat, just staring out
stuck in this rut
Surrounded by a house, I once loved and now? I cant stand it
I hate the sofa that once brought with it a comfort
The windows just let in too much light
the sun, annoys me

Is this negative?
I didn't want it to be
I wanted it to be a report of my current state of mind
the boggled and confused mind that I wake to
The reflection I don't recognise

Depression? Or just weakness
I don't have bad thoughts when in my normal day... much
I just feel so pulled apart
the directions being dragged are endless
my smile is true
but my eyes say worry and panic
I feel like a burden
My life feels like a burden