Tuesday 26 June 2018

Some days

Some days
Some days just throw you hard to the ground
Your whole body just becomes numb as you smash to the floor
Your arms get cuts and the bruises begin to form
You are in pain

Some days just come from nowhere
Absolute bitches of a day
No sorry no explanation
Just at your bed when you wake
Looking at you as you get on with your business
Talking to you in your ear
Lowered voice
You don't recognise them

Some days are just unworthy
People look at you with their disgust in your existence
You can almost hear their thoughts
They want to know who you are and what you want from them
They look at you like you have taken something of theirs
Slept in their bed or stolen their food from their plate
The type of people who are probably battling with karma on a daily

Some days are just too much effort to even wake for
Sometimes I genuinely don't know what drags me up
What pulls me forcefully from the sheets of avoidance

Some days are brilliant
Some days throw me with love and desire
I can't get enough
I never want the day to end

Some days
Life is ongoing
Life is tough
Life hurts
Life makes you choose directions
Life provides opportunities
Life doesn't say please and doesn't ask for permission
It just throws shapes
Shapes of weapons
Guns knives and hearts

It's all too much
It's all too little

Some days
Everyday and never

Saturday 16 June 2018

Battle life

Should I be broken
Should I give up
Is that what they want
Would that make them happy
Would that give them self worth

Is this all just child's play
Playing that game
Knowing that in the end somebody always gets burned
Somebody always gets hurt

For I finished games a long time ago
I grew up
Probably older than my years but that was my choice
My path my opportunity
I grew roots and I maintained my foundation
I didn't pick it out the ground
Rip it up through my fingers and throw it away
I kept my roots and I maintained my stance
Even in this weather
This turbulent time has tested me
It's pushed my roots with such force
The wind has ruined my flowers
But I have not given up
I've tried to but I've been reminded of my path
My growth
My experiences
I won't let them win

Should I be broken
Should I give up
Is that what they want

Oh well
Not their life
This is mine
I will withstand any fire
Any storm that brews
Even if I'm left as nothing but a stalk with deep roots digging deep and holding themselves up
I will remain
I will not give in
This battle is not over

Tuesday 12 June 2018

Mood today

Today was hard
Seeing someone who knew me before
And seeing me now
I had changed
He said I was anxious
I felt it too
On edge
Unrelaxed
It made me miss me
The old me
The always me
It ended better
But to start it was shit
And I'm gutted that's the case

Friday 8 June 2018

What do you know

You aren't me
You have no idea how this feels
I can't even make sense of it
In the mornings, I feel empty
I am always so tired and i think if it wasn't for P, id most likely spend the day in bed.
The days have fallen into one long never-ending sequence of events, of which most mean nothing
I feel good when I'm numb, and so busy because the thoughts quieten down and I can think

I'm so scared this is happening and worried i won't shake it.
I am impatient with its stay as it's been so long
The place which created it all presents flashbacks
Vile feelings hit my stomach and dread starts falling in
The room has no windows, yet water keeps on pouring
Thick and fast
It's creeping up my body, covering my arms
Pain is drenching my arms now and I'm frozen still
With fear and control from this place overwhelming
I can barely get my breath before my nose is also under water
I'm drowning and they won't stop
They are just unthreading me a layer at a time
All my hard work since my early 20s is being unravelled before me
I pass out
My heart is beating so fast  I'm surprised it's not burst through my chest
And then I wake up
I'm not dreaming
Not really
It's just showing its persistence and how it can get me in my unconscious
I'm away from that place
But it can  still affect me
I'm not winning  this fight
I'm struggling to find the energy
Not when my mind is being put through so much at night in my dreams and again as I wake

I'm reaching out  though
I'm not giving up yet
I'm still trying
Still believing
But  it's not easy
It's the weakest I've ever felt to be honest...