The Bed

The news hit me hard, I am not going to lie to you
I couldn't get my head around it, I threw things at walls, ripped up pictures, letters, memories..
I paced my room for hours before I found the strength to accept their offer and go and visit you

I can remember the weather, I don't know why I feel this as important but its funny what your mind remembers at times like these
it was sunny, and warm and people were happy and smiley as I passed them in the car
I wasn't talking that day, I listened to Radio 1 in silence as everyone tried to make small talk with me

I won't ever know why I found this so hard, I mean come on we were a lifetime ago but it's funny how your heart reacts at times like these
The walk to your room was the longest and hardest walk I can recall in my life
and I knew that when I saw you in the bed I would crumble
But I kept going on, kept putting one foot in front of the other and wishing so hard someone would take hold of my hand and take this guilt from me
You understand me don't you, when I say guilt
we weren't in each other's lives but I felt and still feel guilt
it doesn't just go away
you don't just go away.

I asked for a moment on my own, can you believe it, bitch got balls ay
The corridor you were on was silent
maybe out of respect I thought but its rare for a hospital I found
the silence was too noisy at that moment.

I sobbed as the door became ajar as I walked in
The bed I can recall the most
it was a white metal framed bed
your room was so medical with its blinding white walls and white side table and white side lamp
there was a television in the corner to my left, it was mounted to the wall, it was off
the curtains were open and cards and flowers filled your windowsill
there was a white dressing gown and a white chair by your bed.
I walked over with energy I can only imagine was coming from the overwhelming feeling in this room
feeling of hurt, and love and guilt... it was choking me
I looked at you, your eyes closed, strapped up to machines, the bed still
the bed was freshly made with you underneath its covers like it never moved... not even a crease
Now, I thought to myself... Now what?