Who decides?

What do I do when I hear such negativity?
Do I run as fast as my legs will take me till I fall over the edge of this earth?
Do I deny myself my life because it doesn't fit in with theirs?
Do I just ignore my heart as it breaks each time I shut it off?
Do I carry on my act?
Why the fuck should I?
Is this your problem?
Am I your problem?
Am I your possession?
Does it even affect you?
These books of rules written as scripture
What did they know way back when?
Did they see racism?
Did they foresee hate and war?
Did they depict crime in their commandments?
No!
They didnt
I didn't choose
It was just me
My being
My life

In My Parents I See It All

I look at my parents and I see beauty
I see fights against the storm
I see life with compromises
I see life with love
I see life with passion
I see a marriage with faults
I see a marriage with everything
I see  everything
I see Life
I see love
I see everything
No hurt
Real love
Real love
Everything
Love

Childhood Rhymes

Peak a boo
Can you see me?
I'm the one hiding under my mothers jumper
I spy, with my little eye
Can you find me?
I'm the one that's in my room planning a revolution
On your marks, get set
Go!
Can you outrun me?
I'm the one almost at the finish line
I'm the one with scars that tell a story or two
I'm the one who will aim for a laugh from you
I'm the one who loves a cuddle
Family is my driving force
Love is my destiny
I am just finding myself
Tiny steps
Like hopscotch, roll a dice, see where I end up

Trying

Talk at me till you're screaming
Till your voice is strained
Till you burst into tears
Keep at it until you're exhausted
And you can barely hold yourself up
Don't stop for a second
Please you will undo all you're fixing
Through the night and through the day
I'll sit here listening to you
It won't be easy
I'll want to leave
But keep going
Don't ever let me go

The Past Came Back

I came home
I was in shock
I wanted to react,  cry or something but I couldn't remember how to
I just sat in silence whilst my brain tried to breakdown what had just happened
It was just spinning
You shoulda, you coulda, what if
I felt sick
I had only thought about her that morning and 12hrs later we'd crossed paths
I thought I had made it up
I told people
It didnt sink in

Today I woke
It came to the front of my thoughts
Her face, her walk, the eyes said so much
You wouldn't understand though
No one ever knew her like me

Journeys - Can You See This?

tirelessly squinting at the sun
feeling numb but fighting the fears
dragging bags through mud and sludge
shoes ruined and ripped
the moisture starts seeping in
sinking in the floors as the roads entwine in forests and bushes and scratched skin
blood droplets on my clothes and my hands are worn
dry skin and strained skin and a face that should look so much younger
my hair is not pretty nor is it kept clean
boxes piled higher than my height and they keep falling
gravity arrives at the worst times
the rain decides to race to the floor
i am getting lost in the washed up sights
a car races past
covers me in its mess
drenched and tired and beat
trudging through the nights
doesn't mutter a sound though
just carries on
hills and slopes and scary surroundings
dawn is approaching
life is in bags and is starting to smudge in its ink
pictures are blurry
memories are scattered
not long now
not long now
keep going
nearly there

Trip

Take a trip into my mind and tell me what you see
Find my thoughts and my dreams and follow me
We'll fly higher than you knew we could go
And lower than you knew there could be
I'll lose you in thoughts and confuse you with love and wrap you up in surprises
You will walk through levels and twist and turn and you'll never want to leave

Rainy Days, Sunny spells

It rained more some days than others
But I always managed to save face
I'd just get on with it
Funny to say that though

For I would be offended
It'd bother me all day
But I'd just get on
N not allow it to get in my way

I don't moan to anyone
Not even if I could
Because that doesn't fix anything
And never makes me feel good

I just bury my head deeper
While my thoughts wonder
Still my stress surfaces
And I let go
Work out too hard
Over think
Battle my feelings
Disregard
Box it up, pack it up, hide it
Ignore it, drop it, forget it
Paint on my face
Take the shrug from my shoulders
Lift up my chin and smile

Hurts to say

No thoughts will be held
When the truth is spat out
The heart will collapse in pain
Noone will look at you
Feelings scream out in shame
You try picking yourself up as you are pushed to the floor
Not even they will help you anymore
Frustrations were building
To breathe was a chore
To smile so sweetly was becoming a lie
I took all that you gave me and I put it to use
And here you all stand before me watching me burn
I can't take it back but honestly why should I
Your wish was that I would be happy
And this is what I'm trying
Take back all the love
Take back all the lies
If you had your own way
Id be nowhere to be found

Two Tone

I caught all your tears
I defended any fight
I fell in love with you each time I looked at you
I am happy to admit

I would dream of you on a daily
N get lost in thoughts in the day
I would try and make you happy
But one day it fell away

*    *    *    *

I ask for honesty
I know you're hurting
I don't want secrets
I just want you
I battle my confidence
I ignore my fears
I plunge deep into love
For you all to see
My bravery came from nothing
But it won't ever leave my side
It will be my armour
Forever inside
I twist through memories
I forget the bad
Its all about the now
Stronger I become
Bigger and better
I could take on the world
For you, with you and even without
I know who I am
What I want
Why I'm here, alive and kicking ass
Smiling so hard
It surprises you
It fits
It suits
I'm happy

Just Time

Silently she sleeps getting lost in her fantasies
Dreaming of times she would return to in a heartbeat
Watching her life play out
Dreading the moments she hated
The moments that changed her
Faces from those days appear
She is fighting them to wake up
- it doesn't work
Hours go by and images are flashing past her
Those she loved, those who loved her
The arguments and the making up
Wrapped up in time
Time that has been and gone

Passing fields and fields of time
Unable to capture a thing
Tears fill the eyes for the memories
Trying to hold on
Digging nails into the floors of the times she misses
Like falling in love and remembering those kisses
Starting to wake to the sound of alarms
The time that's been starts to fade
Her eyes open
Her heart becomes heavy
She's awake in an empty room
Silence deafens as she tries to remember

Clearing out closets

I won't remember anything you say nor will I get upset
I'll let you walk away and I won't stop you
I won't get lost in your smile as I always have done
I won't remember your smell either
I'll just draw a line under all of our history
I'll erase all of our pictures
I won't remember a single memory
I can't do anything you said I could
And I have never been the strong person you said I was
I'll just be a nobody walking through my life
Without a spec of you insight
Because if I'm honest you weren't real anyway and you never took my pain away
You stocked up on lies and feelings of silence and tripped me out of the real life
I won't remember anything you say nor will I get upset
I'll lead you to the door and I'll walk away without a single regret

Dreams

I caught you in a dream
Took you in my bag and carried you through the night
I wanted to keep you forever
But I knew I wouldn't be able to

I spoke to you in a dream
It felt so real that when I woke I cried
I wanted to keep you forever
But I knew I wouldn't be able to

I tried to keep you in my thoughts
But your face became a blur
Your voice become disorientated
N I was left without a word

I just can't keep going on like this
Wishing you were here
I will always wake from dreams
And in turn you'll disappear
So I'll ask you that your kind and the time we spend is special
And then at least when you go away
The memory will stay
And I'll feel so much better

Queue

Absolutely terrified
Gripped your hand so hard I could hear you whince
There was a queue infront but it went through us so quickly
Shit it was nearly our turn
I was feeling so sick I thought I may be
I look to you and you say
"No not now, you'll have to wait"
I gulp and start to sweat
I can't do this I say to myself
My heart is thudding so loud I'm sure the whole room can hear it
Next
Shit !!!
I step forward
Hi my names Kimface..

Final performance

Sat in front of my mirror, brushing my hair, planning an outfit, applying my make up, not looking in my own eyes too often... music playing, plans awaiting my arrival

Strip my soul bare, uncloth all my layers, pull away the lies, tears will fall as I hear the brawl inside of my head keeping the secret... I'm fighting my way out of a room, one in which I created and I made and I struggle with oh too often

I can look and I can watch but thats where it all stops, the rest is all a matter of "lights, camera, action" and I'm just tired now. .. 27yrs of all this action and faking and just trying ever so to ignore my own heart my own gut and the now twisted lost in the dark mind

No longer
I'm done curtains fall to the ground and bow it out for the last time

Thanks for coming

Pointless entities

What do I mean?
I don't have a clue
I'm just sat waiting after asking you
I mean surely you know why we are here and what will be clear and what won't
I mean what is all this if just a load of old shit and just messing around with no cause
I mean I don't love you and don't have a clue and you would fcuk anything that walks
I don't ask for lies or favours as such; just a large shoulder or arm
To carry me up or prod me up and to stop me from falling down
So no I don't know and you haven't answered and patients are few and life is chaotic and questions and waiting and hoping and praying ain't got me any closer to an answer
So leave it all shall we?
Brush it away and just pack up and go on with our journeys
And I'll carry on writing and struggling and living whilst you get your kicks off another
I don't need it if I'm honest and can't stand the lying
I feel nothing and want nothing
I have no attraction nor will I ever
So lets just end it with that. ..

... oh shit

It hit me, there was noone to call. I looked at my phone blankly. .. scrolled through names and was left empty. When did this happen? To go from some to none... left me feeling sad, almost alone... so I wrote it down.
Better to think it may be, rather than a won't be.

But I add on to this thought
Where did all the good people go?
The ones who were true to you
Those who didn't use you
They would be there no matter what
Pick up the phone, drop around
Did I sleep through the life when this happened?
I'm not upset because I can't remember having such luck
And I'm not dwelling on life
I just wonder why all these names bring no attachment?
Why I have nobody to call on?
Why I live in words and not presence?

Who you are

When you get it
Hold on
Don't ever let it go
For we only have one shot
One life
One journey
One chance
Hold on with everything you are
Squeeze it till your hands hurts
Till it cuts into you
Deeper than an emotion
Deeper than a tattoo
Forever

Say something real...

Say something... I'm giving up on you
I seriously cant just keep the truth
Im drowning in all of your lies
I wish youd look me in the eye
I see the shit roll from your tongue
I read the stuff you sell on
I hear you talk behind my back
Yet you still think I won't crack
You told me all of your secrets
You cried your pain on to my floor
You think you can carry on like this
N I'll just keep quiet?
I can't take anymore
I'm tired of your dumb ass games
I'm tired of being your play thing
I'm sick of you
I'm over you
My phone will be quiet. .. but at least when it rings it'll be real
Not this lie
Not this immature wasteman
Not of you