do I send this... Will he answer

This nightmare is not going away

It doesn't matter how strong you think you are, or whatever weight you can lift.. It all just seems to disappear when I stop and realise this is actual existence 

Illnesses are just evolving like some shitty pokemon card

And the levels they are hitting it just getting to much to cope with 

I just want my Dad home and safe

Not in some hospital 

Coping with all this mess

Whilst the world is already on its knees

I've just had so much pain in my heart

I don't think I can carry on 

Faking it till I'm making it, is becoming such an uphill battle

Can't drag myself through these dark clouds

Rainy days

Fallen leaves

But broken hearts

Buried in autumn but still buried 

Still trying to keep going

Inner resilience is being tested 

Highest setting

Hardest level

Take me away, 

Take me faraway

Let me forget it all

Please let it all be how it was

Please

character building..

I received the message, couldn't tell you what I was doing that day really.. Feels a little surreal

I tried my best you know, pulled myself up like an old used coat hanger, it was all bent the wrong way but it kept me walking, I also kept scraping fingernails into the stairs, to keep me going... 

It snapped though 

Everything fell to the floor

Didn't know where to start

Heaps of just shit, everywhere 

Couldn't see the floor

Couldn't see the bottom

Couldn't stop the blurry eyes

Blurry lines

Tears that stained my day.. 

Day by day

Made a new stand 

Still looked twisted, metal stuck up

Days became weeks

It was like looking in a mirror with opaque lenses 

If I couldn't see it happening it meant it wasnt

But at night, when the sleep light went out 

I was left in the dark surrounded 

Truth

Pain

It just feels like a bizarre dream, mixed with unfortunate real life existence 

I can't get away from it but at the same time I am not looking to run away

I am facing it

I am living and breathing it

This is not a gossip column

I am not your entertainment 

Life has spun a fast one

Taken with it all we ever worked for

Next few weeks are just very much the same 

Yet my distraction will be closed

Lock down 'ain't got nufin on this'