dirty plates

Sometimes I can be sat in a real blurry place

It's weird to see blurry when you've had laser eye surgery.

But it is and it's painful and disorientating

I've hit low levels in my life time

Some levels are so low in my past I don't actually know how I found them

I know I'm not there

But this doesn't feel any better some days

It's the worst time to have this feeling

What with how life has been throwing us through shit as a nation this passed 12months

I almost feel guilt for having this feeling

The feeling I would describe as helpless

I feel helpless with my family

Helpless with my students and helpless with myself

I have always been such a strong force for people

My laughter and sarcasm keeps so many smiling and giggling

My humour never fails

But I just feel like I've been piling up plates for so long now

Piling them up so high, not even seeing them smashing in the floor below

The food is rotten on them and there is a feeling of neglect

I have never felt so numb yet in pain at the same time

My face would say I'm ok

This teaching world allows for this persona to almost become your everyday mask

I pick up the dishevelled students and fix them up and straighten out the creases repair the damage

Empower and inspire

But leave myself outside

The rain is falling and I'm shivering but not running for shelter

The numbness is paralysing me

It is soo strong but this work is just my mind blartin" the frustrations of life and managing emotions

I'm not running from anything but I'm sat with so many piles of plates I don't know where to start

The plates all have sentimental feelings and prowess so I cannot just bin it

What comes first though

I'm just empty

Not enough energy to muster it

All the marigolds and fairy but no water

nothing left to say really

When all is said and done

We do not have anything left really, do we

The stage is silent and the crowd starts to stand up and leave 

The room is left with a sense that life had been here

The smells of sweet perfume and happiness surrounds the curtains as they are drawn and another night is ticked off the list 

Theatre at its best 

Just one beautiful performance after another 

The acting is on point and the emotion fills our hearts with that thrill of live work 

We are enamored by the reality in front of us 

Children scream at the sight of Father Christmas or childhood books 

We all love to say "it's behind you"

Shivering with excitement at the whole spectacular atmosphere 

It never gets old

In my thirties I still smile until my face aches 

I enjoy the pantomime and the cheers and boos 

When I sit here typing up my memories into a box 

I feel still

Still and blank

The etch a sketch is empty and I have nothing to draw

Almost 12 months on after one of the most heartbreaking and mind-blowing experiences 

To pay witness to a death toll that exceed 100 before we could process it 

Face masks and sanitiser shortages 

Scared to hug and banned from family

Banned from existence in the only way we knew 

Banned from the cheers and the boos 

From the laughter and family times

From the large audiences 

Smiles and ice cream 

Nothing but silenced expressions hidden behind face masks and health fears

Oh I grieve 

I grieve it all

One day

One day soon

The dates will be counted down

Calendars full of meaning and forward planning

When all is closed until further notice

There's nothing left to say, really