The fear

The fear
it followed me home the weekend
it crept into my bag, and I hadn't even noticed
It's funny cause in a weird way I was missing it
Missed the cloud that followed my every smile
Reduced me to tears like a drop of a hat


The fear
it let itself into my bedroom on the weekend
it snuck in next to me and I had no clue
it felt cold, so I turned up my heating
got under the duvet
had the TV blasting pictures and noise at me
then it started


The fear
it got inside my head
it twisted all my thoughts
it took the smiles and replaced them with panic
it took the happy memories and replaced them with the pain
the pain that always wins
the alcohol only fed the fear more
the fear was so strong now, it was controlling my breathing
it had hold of my heart and it squeezed the life out of it
it had hold of my brain and it re tuned it to the past
to her, to others and played it over and over
the fear was so strong now
the tears fell for hours
the tears hurt my throat they were so thick with pain and emotion
the tears exhausted me 
the tears made me call her
the fear had won a battle I had won last year
the fear sunk off into the dream land I had entered


The sun shone through my curtains
the fear had left my flat and left me to clear up the tornado it had left behind
the cleaned up mind and head was a trashed up heap on the floor
the eyes were swollen 
the head was hazy 
the fear had come in and fucked it
and left me to clear it all 


Unfortunately tonight I realised that is what it was
and because of this thought and this entry I am able to weaken the fear once more


Not any more, I am happy 
you know, Friday left me flying with butterflies 
you know, he made me laugh and smile harder than I have in awhile
fear, you can just do one
fear you can fcuk right off..... I am sick of your games!




Night x

Honesty....

Tricky moments
drink never helps
the vulnerable places we visit
typical


Make silly choices
live with them for life
regret them till your tired
tired and upset


The tears came falling this weekend
so out the blue I didn't expect it
they continued through the night,
raking up the past till i was covered in the hurt and pain


Choking on the truth till I couldn't ignore it any more
wanting to just crawl out of myself
shed myself
start again in a new world


Growing up is hard
seems to intensify the older you get
like you are unlocking new levels of pain
new levels of loving, new levels of shame


Embarrassed for my own actions
sorry for my own thoughts
believe it now may have left me but can't be sure
drama has been my shadow for a long time


But the sun is now out a lot more
the shadow seems to be staying
so I need to shed my old self
let it go with you




moments in memories remind me of you
I don't wish to forget you but I need to let you go
Put you down knowing you will always be a part of me
carrying you only drags me back


Time carries on
lessons learnt
tears fell for you
I need to state it all, I know its personal but I need to see it here, accept it all, see it all, leave it all be








the last time, the only time, the first time, the final time...

jumping back for a peek at the past....

&& it came to me tonight
the thought I didn't request
I wasn't expecting it anyway

I looked back at the one that hurt me last year,
&& I didn't think it was all I'd made it out to be
&& I worried that I had even lied to myself
Or did I feel I could fool myself

It still hurt,
it still hurts
even now
even after almost a year
fun times shadowed by the ending

no more though
good thoughts need to flow back in
tomorrow is a new day
a new memory
a new chance


its funny cuz growin up i always thought i was someone who looked far into the future
it seems i spend more time looking back

closed doors, loud moments

downward spirals
catching the rain
watching the sun rise
snowing again
time is just flying
through you like wind
never a moment to catch it
never much change
each day is different
but all end the same
it gets dark, you go to sleep, you dream away your thoughts

upwards and higher
through the sky birds fly
leaves blow so high some days
rain comes down so hard
the weather can get hot
the sun can be bright
the thunder can lighten the sky
and give you a fright

not much you can do
to prevent it anyway
just be in the moment
as the moment appears
and take it with you, away
love it appears
hate it fizzles out
people they get lost
and find each other again
not much to stop it
not even worth the try
for at the end of the day
nothing can stop the tear in your eye.

so before long it will appear
that it was all just a moment
a moment in a large space
eternal and forever

what if I didn't stop

what if it just kept going
till there was nothing left in me any more
till you had taken it all away
till the tears just dried and I was all out of care

I would not want to ever wake up there
waking up to that scare of not being aware
of able to hide the despair

Not letting you take this piece of me too
Not letting you get that deep
Will just have to man up and be
Be who I am meant to be
Regardless of what you think you can make me

Not able to continue any more
This has taken over my life and swallowed it all whole
I have my life too and need it back
Before this came along it was all, all right

What if  I didn't stop, what would that mean?

I don't know, but I wont still be here to find out....

back to the

drawing board
oh this is what it looks like
and this is how I design my future

choosing the colours, choosing the way ill style it, choosing how big and what shapes
but no real ideas as to what direction I will follow

I watch people making decisions, going left going right and iv been sailing passed them on a boat, but now I'm getting sea sick- I am sick of it all, same old same old and no desire to continue any more

if I didn't have commitments I would have gone along time ago

but here I am now
the drawing board
the pens
now for the ideas..........

searching for spares

I am searching for spares
searching for spares because I have ran out
ran out of it and I am quite worried I won't last much longer
so I am searching long and hard and trying to remember
remember where I put the spares

and now I am panicking as I don't recall keeping any spares
keeping any spares would be the solution if I ever thought I'd lose it to start with
you keep reading and keep watching and you must be wondering
wondering what is the spares I am searching for
what are the spares that I'm frantically trashing my house for
moving everything and anything looking high and low and high some more
tears rolling down my cheeks as the positivity wears thin
as I realise it is not something I will find
as it is not something I had to start with
the spares are just ones figment of imagination and they won't just appear before me now as I will them to

see it would have been a perfect way to save myself if these spares did so much as exist right now
if I could just reach out and restock myself and mind
if I could just transport myself back to fully charged and be done with it
but the truth is, its been several years now
several months of which I have been running on empty
and tonight and more importantly this year I realised it was really wearing thin
it was starting to hurt and burn inside
like rubber tyres on a road
there was not a spare I could just fix up and look sharp in
it was just running its course and now I am to accept it for what it is
or be done with it, pat myself on the back and start searching for the new direction

the spares were never there
maybe I can find one last layer of worn out limb to rejuvenate my mind and body
but deep down accept it has come to an end
the car will not roll on for much longer
there are no more hills to drive down
the weather is changing and the wind can't blow me along anymore

the answer and spare for what I am searching for is not something I will disclose tonight
but something I will leave for you to ponder
leave for you to ponder and think about your own spare you create

sometimes if you believe and have faith it will lead you into the direction you wish to walk in

if you lose belief and/or faith you will be on your own - in the dark with no sunlight to lead you home..

count your blessings is what an interesting friend of mine said this evening... so I will

goodnight xxx

Trying something new...

A view from a window tells a thousand stories 

Stories you can imagine till you have nothing else to think

so far and wide the view looks, this is the view you see 

When the sun shines brightest you can see for miles

when its late at night all the lights shine bright

from the houses oh so many

the warmth I'd felt from the families that occupy the homes

building so many memories

My favorite time to me is when I'm on a train

and I'm travelling back from Liverpool and I see the houses and the views that remind me I'm nearly home

I pass the streets that I have always remembered from the first time I left for uni

I love passing the streets when its Christmas and everybody has made an effort to make things so pretty

Snow makes everything look pretty

Distance and time are these two things that create a something 

a something that creates issues

some are ones you can work at and others you spend a lifetime battling,

but the battle is always worth it and part of the journey

A view from a window tells a thousand stories

is a place with a thousand secrets 

secrets we know 

places we love 

people encompass the surroundings and create the feeling of home

I type this looking out at my view, looking at my place, my secrets, my story and my home

HAPPY SATURDAY PEOPLE!

Time is now?

The time is now, I ask myself as I come across your name
the time is now, I think out loud as it stumbles round my brain
the time is here its loud and clear and I can no longer hide
I need to fix it, I need to stop it I need to put it aside


I need to change gear and go so quick, so quick I don't look back
look back is wrong, looking back never helps, looking back just slows you down
you can't keep on like this no longer
running over and over
over and over - dizzy spells
spinning over the same old path and finally getting sick


So as I said the time is now, its there so clear and I am finally parting
removing it from me, and all of my present 
stripping myself of the shadow its created


Saying goodbye for the only time 
happy to feel the weight drop
no regrets, no regrets, never a regret... The time is now....

Do you even think

or do you just act
do you just fling your thoughts at people without pre warning them
hoping they will be able to manage with it all
like a huge pile of washing
dropping things as they struggle

do you even notice the pain you cause in your tiny moments of jumbled up words
that are flying all over the room, as they hit these people like lightening
if we were to tell you, would you feel defensive, would you blame it on the moment of time, the sadness of your existence, the boredom you surround yourself in

would we ever tell you this is how it is for us sometimes
this is how it feels for us at times
this is what it looks like
your strength of opinion and our mere existence battling out till you overthrow us with experience and win
until you grind us down to pepper that just sprinkles itself carelessly all over the plate
that gets forgotten and life rolls on with the punches

we would never upset you with it
we would never change you for it
we would just like to offload it somewhere
to type it out so quickly and think about it later
to store it as a memory and a reminder for years to come
so that when we do look back fondly over our passing and ageing lives we can take a moment and see it without the frosted glass hiding the truths - as it does to us all so well


we all sit and remember our previous times and always remember half
only half is allowed you see
to see it all would be too much
that would mean we'd have to admit some fault in it all
and that is too much for anybody
so it goes like this
you have two sets of people
those that remember the good
those that remember the bad
obviously there are sub categories in both of these two groups
you also have those without a rake to pull up the past
and those that carry a rake around like an actual limb
and yes this is how it goes

but for now I am breaking the boundaries a little
as I am mentioning the good and the bad simultaneously amongst the same page
hoping nobody will tell on me just now..

Always been a rebel

Sunday ponder, Sunday offload, Lazy Sundays at its best!

Toodle x

Nothing of any importance

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with it all
That if I continue I might just burst
That I might just show it all and in the end let you down


Sometimes I find it surrounds me like fog and I want it to stay for the company
I want to drag it around with me like a security blanket
Wear it as a coat
Introduce it to you like its an actual being


I don't wonder in the dark as much as I'd like to
I don't act on my thoughts as much as I should
I don't spend too much time thinking about things, if ALL the time is OK
I don't analyse too much - OK now I am lying


I wish I could be lying on a beach somewhere
With those I need around me
With the love obvious 
Holding hands, kissing and just enjoying all LOVE brings 
And then I wake up...




If I could, I'd be so much more
I'd show you all the capabilities of this life I have 
I'd push myself further each day
I'd get that excitement in your stomach when you take a risk
I'd love fast and deep and embrace every moment
I'd savour every last memory and time with that one
I wouldn't throw it to the floor so that it slammed against the concrete
So that it broke into a thousand pieces
Pieces I have been searching for, for years


So long now that I've forgotten what it even looked like
What it even feels like
What it makes you do and want and show and believe in
To believe shows faith
Faith shows trust
Trust shows desire
Desire to be where you want, whatever the cost
Love whoever you want, whatever the opinion of others


Show love to somebody in spite of those who dislike it
Or don't understand it
As I do reckon people dislike in fear
Fear of not understanding
Of not willing to understand
Of not willing to listen and try and see it through different eyes
Eyes that see beauty in each and everyone
However much they try to hide it
Bury it so deep they forget they have it
Forget they had felt it before




Brain travels back to this time last year
So in love and free and full to the brim
Like I could explode in front of you all
Like I could float on my feelings as they were bringing me higher
But it was OK then
I was happy to burst with it
I was happy to burst because I knew she would catch it
Catch every piece of it 
So I didn't lose a drop of it
Drop of Love 
Drop of me 
Part of me
A part of me I'll never get back 

Bye for now -x-

Need to stop and remember

It wasn't the last straw really,
It just felt like it, 
Like it often does when you forget to blow off some steam


That if you allow it too, life will control you
You need to always remember you are driving it
You need to control life
Control what you do
Never blame the other or the weather or the drink
Never blame the situation or the lack of sleep or the mood swing
Accept every misfortune as a result of bad decisions
Of bad steering, of letting life control you




Such a young age and such a broad opinion of the world I am in
Such a small time but such honest opinions 
I don't believe too much in mistakes
I believe in trying and trying until there is no try left
Until the hands are bleeding from all the work 
Until your brain is as dry as the sand and there's nothing left to create
Until the time is almost going backwards and your time is up




I never thought I had it in me until tonight
I was at my gym and I was ready to back up and let life control me
But I figured I would push for more
I believed my body had more to give
And it did, it made me proud it was capable
I made me proud I was capable


Which is where I will leave tonight's little thought
I will pop off to bed in a short while and sleep off the day my body has carried me through 
And I will stop and remember that I am lucky enough to be here
The news shouts at you about the way things are for some and others and you and it makes you stop and think 
Stop and think
Stop and think and think some more


Each day will be what you want from it
It will rain if you let it
It will be warm and sunny if you make it
You will smile if you chose to and you will cry if you don't prevent it


Shoulda' Woulda' Coulda'... Last words of a fool...
Remember that!!!


Go out get it grab it with both hands and don't let it go until the blood is pouring down your arm, 
Work hard and life will do the rest :) 




ONE OF MY FAVE SONGS RIGHT NOW!!