Changed

I want to be your everything
I want to be your nothing
I want to be your memories
I want to be your now
I wish I never met you
I wish we never split
I can't keep going over this
I think it's best it's done
I can't see how my life could be
I only hear your tales
Of how it all went down that hill
I feel guilt and betrayal
I want to fix up every scar
I want to interfere
I can't keep going over this
I wish I'd never cared
I can't see the right or the wrong anymore
And have no idea of what's next
I can only accept it as it is
And hope that life does the rest.
I feel nothing I miss nothing I have become someone different
And unfortunately that is all I have
And all I can be
And all I can offer

Finished with the mess

Build me up
Tell me what will be
Help me to look forward
Teach me to trust you

Then keep this going
Let the weeks flow by
Let my excitement build
Let me think how happy am I

Then on the day of
Or the week of the plans
Ignore me completely
Push me to the ground
Shatter my once fine existence
Blow up all of my dreams
Take all my confidence away
Leave me all alone

Don't explain yourself
Oh no... just let me wonder
Let me hurt myself thinking
As I sink deeper into this mess
Don't stop my tears
Just ignore me forever
Remind me now how I should have never
Spoken to you again
Kept the candle alight
For there are so many of you doing this now
It's hard to stay bright
When all I can see
Is just those I regret
Those who keep pushing me down
Those who will never stay

Don't build me up to break me
Don't tell me what I wanna hear
Just be that selfish bitch you were born to be and stay away from me stay clear
Don't call me when you need help
Don't msg when you're bored
Just go away forever
And I'll pretend we never knew each other at all

Nightmares returning

I didn't ever expect to see these people again
I had said goodbye a long time ago
I had laid it all to rest
And now they were here
I couldn't lose them
I couldn't be hurt again
I wasn't sure what to do
It was never easy
Life isn't meant to be
But I didn't ever expect to see these people again
I had said goodbye a long time ago

I know my own worth and ability

Believe me when I say I'd forgotten
Please accept it when I say I underestimated myself
How over the years I have forgotten my achievements and my capabilities
And that until yesterday I thought I was stuck

To learn so much over the years
To of studied and graduated
To of earnt and made money

They think I need them
They think they can convince me
They think I am stupid

Should the offer not meet my requirements
I shall be left with no choice but to do better elsewhere
Be better elsewhere

I will be honest
I have no real desire for old dreams anymore
I don't wish to be what I thought I once did
I now know what I'm good at
And I know I am capable of achievement

To leave doesn't scare me
To walk with resignation isn't a fear
I will only grow more
And land on my feet
And find my true calling

For everything, a reason
Life motto
No such thing as coincidence
All as it should be
I will adjust
the offer needs to meet my wants
If not ciao
Toodle pip

What a wonder

They came back
After so much time I forgot they could
The tales were harrowing
And the consequences hurt
All I could do was listen
The love that had once diminished had re-lit
The rooms were no longer dark
Everything became so clear
But I couldn't fix it
I had arrived at the end
I couldn't prevent any of it
I had to sit and listen helplessly
Try and comfort them
All memories appeared though
Those I hadn't thought about in so long
I wasn't unhappy
I just felt saddened
Saddened for the lives that some people endure
They know though
They know I will be here
I always was in their minds
Now I would hope to be in their hearts

Terminal

Stopped the day
Held time tight
I knew this was it and I wasn't ready

I mean seriously who ever is?

They suggest a bucket list
You know think of all your dreams and desires and list them off like chores
Then quickly do them
Cuz that will fix it right?

What if you wish for life?
Time?
Marriage and kids?
Do these happen so quickly?
When the clock is counting down and you're scared to breathe too deep

She stayed up all night
It wasn't on her list but it was simple
She lay in her partners arms and the tears streamed
She just wanted to be held like this forever
To be kissed and cuddled and to never feel alone

When and if you have this time
What do you do with it?
You obsess over losing it
You worry over the ending
How it will happen
How you will go
How it will feel
Will you be alone

No ends of bucket lists or alcohol can dimmer this shriek in your heart
The fear in your eyes
This emptiness in your soul

I dreamed though
I got lost in them
I was stopping time
I held it so tight
I knew this was it and I was ready

Anxieties

Get the next train
Come and meet me at our place
It's been so long but I hope you remember
I'm trying not to get happy
I don't even know if you know
I can't let myself be hurt again

I want to bring it all up
I am literally stood with a rake
I wish to drag us through it all again
Not sure for whom or why
Please, dont let me
I can't go this far

I got ready today
I painted on my smile
I dressed for the image
Inside I was terrified
They say fear isn't real
They say to regret nothing
This they are not real
How can they be?

The wind changed direction

The room was silent
No one was left
All I could hear was the noise in my heart as it fell to the ground
I couldn't catch it anymore
I had lost all of my strength
I heard the things people said and each word smashed up a little more
I could see the way they looked at me
I could feel their hatred
I knew I wasn't enough
I never could have been
The roads outside just shut out the truth
They made it all seem so normal
They made me think it was too
Death happened in all sorts of ways
Not just a last gasp of air
But a last gasp of life
I didn't tell a soul
I sat alone in this room until the light shone through the windows
I left the mess
I left the past
I grabbed my coat and I walked away
I realised then that to stop this cycle
To prevent this continous stream of tears
I had to change
I had to try something different
And I had only myself to sort it