A little peace

And they all just lay here
Waiting for visitors or just waiting for the end
Cars pull up and fall out
Clear away the weeds and replace them with the fresh coloured flowers
They spend moments laying them out perfectly
Whilst tears are held back
Although sometimes you see the grief roll down their cheeks
They mutter words quietly about how they miss you and how they love you
They may even tell you about their day
All crowded in
All squashed up just rows and rows of gone lives
Leaves they have fallen and lay lightly upon your resting place
Birds fly above
A main road wraps itself around here but inside its peaceful
Slanted coffins
Broken stone
Collapsed from the weight of the world
I could stand here for hours
Circle it and read all of your names
I'll take a moment for each and every one of you
God bless you

If and when

& when you say goodbye
Hold on to the memories
Catch all of my dreams and make them become reality
Don't tell me how you'll try, tell me how you'll do
Make me believe life will continue
Loving and living life
Don't let me down
Whatever happens don't let me down
Not for a second

The room

The room isnt how you imagine
There's no queue
No people
Its just a room
Four walls and no window
You can't trace your location
No phone signal or internet
Just the walls
They look untouched
Freshly painted
New
But this room is worn down
This room has seen millions of faces just like mine
The disbelief in our faces as we land here
As we search for a door or a way out
But there's nothing to grab hold of
The walls cant be felt
You just know they're there
Shiny and so damaging
If the walls could talk
They'd recall the tears, the anger, the screaming
They'd tell you tales that'd keep you awake for weeks
For this isn't a real place
Its a transition
Its designed to serve a purpose
Of which each is different
To move on, grow up, let go, accept, meditate, relax, hide, run
Whatever it is, this room is here
So you may aswell get used to it
Let's start with your name....

Take off the mask

Stop trying so hard
You're losing yourself
Forgetting yourself
Replacing yourself
Take in a deep breath
Hold it
Count to 10 and trust it
You will feel better
The stress will blow away
Float up above you and disappear
You won't even know what you were scared of
You'll have forgotten the problem
You'll be free
You'll be you
You'll relax
You'll be happy
The smile will be natural
You can be natural
Come on now... yolo
You may aswell mean it

A lesson

And when you get it, let it
Once its found keep it
Don't run from it
Don't shy away
Just live it
Breathe it
Be it
Feel it
Believe in life, anything is possible
Especially when you allow it

Moments we all miss all too often

Look at me when you talk to me
Look at me properly
Can you see it
I see it in your eyes too
We are tired people
Our ages are different but we have both had jam packed lives haven't we
We may not know each other's pains but when we really look
What do we see?
Watch me when you make me laugh
Watch me properly
Do you see it in me
The pain the fears as they are drowned in laughter
Please never let me stop
Never let me go back there
For when I laugh for that moment I'm free
No more troubles

When you leave me alone
Watch me
Hear me
See what I really think

Inspired by a film... led by a feeling

clap so loudly, smash your hands together so much they start to hurt
give yourself the bruises so on a random afternoon you remember having the feeling you have now
tell them how brilliant they are, scream it from the bottom of your stomach, rip the lungs as you breathe in deep trying not to pass out
ignore the sore throat that chokes you, that cuts as you swallow
the skin feels tight around your eyes from the stinging from the tears that fell for days before now
keep standing up
keep that back straight, I am warning you, if anyone catches you slouch then it will be over for you
this isn't about your pain, its about their accomplishments their winning their achievements
please just forget all of yours
leave it at the door
where it belongs, outside... even with the rain coming down,
put down the certificate, I am not going to ask you again, let the rain get to it, let the dampness damage the immaculately kept prize, let the ink start to smudge and your name become a blur
you wont even remember what it was for when you get it back
you wont even remember where you came from or why you are here
it will just be a blip in your memory
like the ones you get from a heavy night on the drunken punch
but don't worry, seriously there is no point
for to worry will cause emotion and lets face it, emotion will never help you win any war or argument
it wont cure any disease or infection
it will just lower the tone
and you don't want to be held responsible for being that person now, do you

exactly!

now are we done here, or have you got anything else to ask me
no OK, good
as I said drop all you are, leave it at the door, it has no place in here
thank you

Armistice day ! We will remember

It could have been me
I could have been there too
I could have risked my life for peace
For protection, for my country
I could have been running through fields with a rifle praying I didnt have to use it
I could have been sat in a trench, trying so hard to keep my eyes open incase the enemy attacked
It could have been me missing my husband, wife, daughter, son, mum or dad
Praying for their safe return home
Counting down the days to R&R
Being scared of the news
Trying not to worry or think
If I had been in the army, the navy, the raf... it could have been me

RIP TO ALL THOSE LIVES LOST
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU SACRIFICED FOR US

On the 11th hour, of the 11th day, of the 11th month, we will remember

Grab a cuppa tea

Ask me who I am
Ask me how I feel
Do you believe my answers?
I am not hating on life but on circumstances
I don't understand why I can't be that way to
& why I have to be this way
Its like we are altogether one minute and I'm asked to change line, move group, stand with complete strangers who don't even know me
They don't understand why I dress this way or why I denied myself
They are so many levels higher than me
They are all happy
They have no doubts or fears in their minds and they just get on
I am stood there watching them, trying to copy them, being who I have been before... back when the truth reared it's ugly face, when it spat the words I've been running from for years
I couldn't go from copying one thing to copying another
I needed to just accept it calmly and be me.
To know that I have always been me
I was me every time I lay awake at night arguing with myself
When I couldn't commit like others did
When I didnt like it, like they did
When I realised I was faking it
When I would do anything to make them believe it
Push myself to the edge of my own comfort zone and keep pushing
When I would cry in pain and bewilderment at how far I was prepared to take it
When all this time I didn't mean it and I didn't need to
And that it was just what it is
I can't seek therapy to change it
No amount of praying will help
I just need to calmly accept it
Don't change
I've always been me
I'm still here but now with an opportunity to be really happy
Just ask me who I am
And I will answer with, I am kimface.
I am the way I am because that is who I am
No definition, no label, just me
I am just a little scared these days
Unfamiliar paths stand before me
Just be there for me
I need you all more than you'll ever know. ..

Rain, rain go away...

I was sat one night just thinking
Everything was reeling
It made me feel sick
So I put myself to bed

I looked into my mirror
The face I could not register
No tears and such lack of colour
I can't see me anymore

I don't know what is happening
All I do know is it's draining
And I need to stop complaining
About the lack of sleep I'm getting
But I feel so incomplete
And no clothes seem to fit
And no sense is made from living
And I don't know why I exist

The family they are hurting
And health is fcuking things up
We have always been a huge sailing ship
It is just of late rocking
And its all become unsettled
And I can't control the weather
And we are falling through the corridor
And bouncing off the walls
And trying to keep it settled

Tears are coming often
Hearts are breaking loudly
Noone can stop the storm
Just one thing after the other
Love keeps us stronger
Love stops us drowning but doesn't stop us hurting
The pain it was deserted
But now it feels so fresh.
Wounds appear open
Until this storm gives up
I don't think I can cope.

Work will keep me grounded
But sleep has let me fear
And I wake up all panicked
Exhausted every morning
I just needed to type this
Because I don't know what to do
It is unlike me
It is not what I'm used to

Positivity is always present
Just stressed and offloading
Not giving up not even trying
Just waking and working
And waiting and sleeping
This time will pass though
This time has to pass..

Remember

Crawling and learning to walk
Holding yourself up on your own
Realising in order to get anywhere you need to do it for yourself.
When life is tougher people fall and no longer walk
We are back to basics struggling with the idea of motion
We think we have forgotten everything
We hold onto everything insight
We become useless, a shadow of our former selves, arguing with whether we should carry on living or just simply let it all go
All that we have learnt, is up against the wasting
To walk, talk, read, write and we can't even find strength to fight
We sit in our wallow and we drown in the dark
We grab all we can find to help us get numb
Drink and drugs and anti this and anti that
We go on like it's never been this bad for anyone else
That this is worse than war, and real pain
Selfish with our feelings and concerns over our own gains
Are we being serious?
Do we have any intention in getting back
Learning each day to walk just a step
Keep going one in front of the other
Get further
Get stronger
Pick yourself off that dirty dark pit and fight for your right to life
One meer existence depends on your weighted choices
How dare you deny yourself this experience
The ONLY experience you'll ever have, being you and only you.
Crawling and learning to walk
Holding yourself up on your own
Realising in order to get anywhere you need to do it for yourself.