Resolutions this, Resolutions that

this is the last day
it is the day in which we pledge to change everything about ourselves
we are going to become size zeros, we are going to change our friends, change our habits and our tricks
its the day we tell the most lies
its the day we all waste knocking ourselves down
so far down we drink to forget and wake to remember and nothing is any different
see the thing is this is a final curtain to another year
another 365 days in which we have fought hard to keep our existence
we have earnt money worked hard and been through all sorts of trivial pursuits
but we are all still here
we weren't taken above the clouds, we didn't give up, we may have had tears but they dried, we may have been struggling but we survived
and we choose who we see in the new year with
and we contemplate the new beginnings
stop destroying the memories
stop disliking who you are
i wont change
i wont look to diet either
i will set me some aims and tick them off
i will look at all i want in my surroundings and i will get them
life is tough
it is what they all say
no one has a clue how it will go
but we forget how much we can control
how much we can ask for and receive and in return, what we can give
keep healthy, do all you can to maintain that
life will try those though, and in this lessons will be learnt


I used to spend so much time listing off what i wanted to change
i would slate everything i had, like it was the evil
but it wasn't
i made every choice
things happen that we don't want but i kept at it
so this year, why not just enjoy toasting out to 2014, and all that it brought
the new faces,  new places, changing lives
the new career paths, the lost loves, the new loves, the new places in which we live, the things we acquire, the lessons we learn, the memories all in pictures marked in albums on social media
a toast to those who left us, those who didn't get to stay with us, [to me this was our beloved cat Ben]
let us toast their farewell and keep going
another year under our belts
who knows where we will be on the last day 2015

Christmas Flakes

There was a gasp as the first snowflake was seen through the murky window
outside the cold had suffocated all its surroundings
it looked fearful and full of anger
the snow fell down and broke the tensions
it fell so peacefully without any kind of concern
it landed delicately onto the floor 
we all stood and wished for more
we all knew it wouldn't last but whilst it was happening we all stood enchanted by the magic
not a single word was uttered as we all hogged the space at the window ledge
to look up it looked messy
all confusing and everywhere
falling down from the heavens
a moment captured for Christmas
a moment of childhood

the pangs of youth filled the room
the stench of the missing was overwhelming
everyone in there own thoughts
contemplating, and planning
wishing and hoping and falling
falling with the flakes which brought with it hope
the pogues played on in the background, like the Christmas anthem
the lyrics stung as they hit my ears and hit my unconscious
swallow me up in this moment
wrap me up so tightly and don't let it go
preserve the silence
the honesty
the moment
the wanting to keep every second

Not always a walk in't park

steep hills surround the views and I struggle to see the skies above me
I have been walking for days and I just keep finding the same places
I cant seem to get any further away
so much for letting my circle grow
I have forgotten how to communicate so I fear I will see another soul here
my feet are in agony and the pain becomes an ache
I am just so tired of this mission you have put me on
I always pushed my own boundaries
pushed my own thresholds, only to be left in the cold
struggling to say I told you so
faces arrive in dreams and turn the light to dark
chase myself up the hills, teach myself lessons
run from the night, avoid the fright
avoid the hurt for so long I become the pain
tripping up on the grounds
that dark I cant see
rain decides to start pouring
it soaks the earth around me
it makes it harder to walk
I keep falling and no one helps me up
I am drowning in the night
the walk is just getting steeper and steeper
I have had enough
my patience has worn thin
I want to scream but I cant make a sound
I want this to stop
it isn't a dream that I can wake from
it is real life
it is tough and at times it feels hopeless
the fears whisper tales of dread on a daily
its our job to filter them
accept the bullshit and carry on
steep hills surround the views and I struggle to see the skies
but I continue in my search, because I know, one day I will be on top.

BRING ON LIFE

if you sat me down this time last year and told me what i would go through this year, I would laugh in your face
I would deny the most part and I would blush at the rest.
I would not ever believe this is where I'd be had I been given an insight
I wouldn't see my new place, my new furniture, my cat, my jobs, my experience, my relationships, my heartbreak, my acceptance, my fear, my stress, the break ups, the health issues, the falling in love just as the year is taking its bow
i would honestly laugh in your face.

I write a lot
I think a lot
and I have spent a long time speaking so loudly, I lose myself in the echoes
I have cried so much I have woken up feeling ever so drained
I have felt close to wanting it all to end
I have walked out of places that just brought the ugly and evil
I have battled with people who didn't like me
I have fought off those that did
I have hidden from my own thoughts for so long, I can honestly say that today I feel capable of anything
I have moved up so far in my own life
I have realised that when you deny yourself, you deny yourself happiness
I sat last night smiling so simply, my heart beat and it felt excited
it is Christmas Day tomorrow, and at 27 it is still as magical as it always has been


I hope you all have a blessed day, a wonderful Christmas and an exciting New Year!!!!!



BRING ON 2015

Fears and terrors

The curtain fell and i was left with the ending
The applause just carried on for what felt like hours
I couldnt catch my breath
I couldnt believe it had just happened
I didn't feel ready
It felt too fast
I was choking on my breathing and noone seemed to notice
The back stage staff just walked passed me and praised me
I thought to myself who would ever just do that
Who would open there heart up like that to strangers
Pour everything out to all who would lap it up
Hear the sniggers
Watch as they swallowed hard on my tough times
Its ok though its ok
I'm awake
I didn't
It was a panicked dream
A nightmare drenched in fears
Its ok
I have my secrets
I have my dignity
I have me

One last goodbye

One foul swoop and they were over
There wasnt a fighting bone left in her voice
It was like she was lost
Like we had lost her spirit over the time that had been and we hadn't even noticed
To look up to someone, to hope one day you'd be as lucky
To be looking into the faded once glistening eyes
To hear the lack of care
To know the final line had been drawn and there was nothing i could do
I couldn't help them
I couldn't make them
I couldn't clear up the mess as there was just nothing left
Years had been all made up of them
Pictures felt scattered in so many memories
Wrapped up in so much family
Yet now just a once upon a time
A past thought
A behind us now story
We all just sit and wait
Watch the dreams and pedastal collapse with the weight of lies told
Engraved in the years
For the tale to end
To be over
The book ended sooner than anyones expectations or dreams could ever be prepared for
Exhausted and drained
Because there love went away
And that is the way it is
One foul swoop and they were over
No longer an us or a we
But a this is what they used to be
Just a he and a her
Direction got blurred
The love got burnt

Family Time

You have filled my mind for a few days now
I found a video of you
I miss you
Its a funny thing is life, bad things happen and sometimes it's like you can forget.
It is Christmas soon and this was a fave time of yours
The only one who seemed genuinely into it
12 years you were here and I still think of you, tears fill my eyes as I type this out
Although not always mentioned, you are never forgotten and I just wanted to write that.
RIP Ben

Bullying bullies everything

It wasnt like this when i was younger
We didn't play like that
We didnt spend all our time in our rooms typing and tapping at screens
Headphones on
Music blarring
Swear words bouncing round our heads
Aggression building
Hating
Posting comments that hurt
Hurting
Just becoming this presence in social media
Destroying people's confidence
Rating people
Making people small
They didn't know how deep it got
They didn't realise the repercussions
They just spat out vile and logged out not another thought
When they became damaged
They became hurt
They cried out in nightmares
They began to drown
They became detached
Started writing dark thoughts
Stopped eating
Started drinking
Started drugs
Became lonely
Withdrawn
skipped school
Never opened up
One day a call
An announcement in assembly
A news story
A letter
A lost soul
Another life wasted
Ruined and destroyed
A family in shock and despair
Another life taken
Bullying
Let's make it stop

is there somebody who can

and when all is said and done it will be over
it will be a day that never happened or one you play over and over until the tape stops working
you wont know what the point of it all was and to be honest you wont be living so it wont even matter
we all just walk this world and we don't have a clue why
we bump into moments and fall over experiences and think its all a game
but that's OK right?
what are we here to prove anyway if not to ourselves
we do it all for ourselves and even that isn't enough most of the time
we wake up on a daily and spit our dreams to the mirror
we go on about fantasies and wishes and lives that we aim for
and when all is said and done it will be over
no life to talk about
no drama to gossip about
just a memory in a box
buried in some place full of other empty souls
waiting for the next level

The race

On your marks get set.... GO!!!
I swear that this time you won't outrun me
You'll be out of breath before the first hurdle you'll be asking me to slow down, telling me I'm not being fair
You'll get a right cob on
You'll tell everyone how i cheated
How i started before the whistle
How i took a short cut, your lies will be priceless
People won't believe you this time though
They know what you're like
They remember you from before you see
You can't erase the past
You can't outrun the truth
You have to accept it
Stand up and be counted
Look you came first this time
How good does it feel?