The final act

And for this final act 

Turn on all of the lights 

Don’t let any shadows form on this stage 

For now the plot is revealed 

Finally we hit the penultimate moments of this wretched tragedy 

We all assumed it was such a love story to start with 

But the sheep’s wool soon fell down to reveal that wolf 

So now as the final lines are revealed 

The reality of this truth fills the room with a fog 

We can barely take in our breath 

We keep thinking back to the big W day 

To the first and second house thinking surely they were built to last 

Like an old Welsh cottage 

Through all those storms and winds

Not this one however 

This was built on lies and deceit 

This was built without a thought for the future 

Especially after the C arrived and spoilt plans

Took us all on a detour that did 

Especially for me 

I felt utterly heartbroken at the news 

But I kept going 

I dug deeper 

I had so many lies under my nails from fighting for our marriage

You had so much hidden in cupboards it became overwhelming 

What did you want to me to do

Scream? Hurt myself? Cry out for you?

You might’ve been sat in front of me but emotionally you had packed up and left us months ago 

I won’t believe that you did this rushed but also I don’t think it’s been for as long as you tell yourself 

I think me becoming ill was your final nail 

For me it was the start of the unravelling of torn seams left strewn from so many years of botched jobs fixing it in different colours of material 

Trying to turn our demise into a fashion piece

To be an idol to the way society was heading 

Smile for the gram but cover the reality of emptiness

For that’s all you ever were 

Nothing I ever loved 

I was fooled 

You got me 

Like a silly joke you play on kids 

But this was my life 

My health my heart and my present 

All flipped up like a badly arranged dinner table 

You had created an arrangement that made my muscles ache and my feelings hurt 

You had turned me into a blank expressionless person 

I can never forget it 

It will take time to move past this

But I assure you as the curtains are drawn and the cast take their final bow we are pleased this run is over 

The audience leaves with a lump in their throat as they grieve what could have been 

Had this been a fantasy 

For you were never real 

You had written the story as you did daily 

And when you got bored with the character, me 

You ripped it all up and started again 

Letting you go

I can honestly say I never saw this day coming

Yes it was never perfect but it was what I had and what I was happy with

There were some pretty low times between us but even after that we were OK

When I got the news of my health and it being such a serious diagnosis I immediately shut down

I knew you couldn’t deal with it

I knew I had to hold myself up 

You seemed to just disappear as each day passed by

The pain of losing a part of my body was grief I can never explain

Yes it was taking away the tumour but it was my body and something I still to this day can’t quite process 

There were such dark times 

And you had always been my light

But you were nowhere to be seen

You just vanished

The nights got lonelier as you spent them out with people who you’d known such a short time 

Over me, who you’d been with almost 8 years

I could see the deadness in your eyes 

I could not convince myself of any other excuse other than the burning brightness of you had let me go

It’s such a hard pill to swallow

Realising your whole life is changing 

Without your control

Without your fault

No blame

Just pain and surgery and treatment that strips away all you ever had taking you to the core in the hope of ridding you of a disease that will surely take with it, your life

But with all this as well?

No passion or compassion

Just anger and disgust 

Boaring into me as I sat there in pain from chemo 

No energy to fight for us 

Can’t win a losing battle

Can’t fight if you are not even looking up

You had no intention of saving this ship

We were truly doomed and you did not even look back to see the damage

You were pages ahead in this twisted tale 

I was just a bystander in the end

Watching as you took it all away from me

The memories snapped into pictures existed now as only memories 

The kindness in your eyes had died

That look I used to fear was now the constant

I cry because I miss it

I cry because I thought it was deeper than it ever was

It was only ever surface level and that hurts to accept

I gave myself to you 

Fully and unapologetically 

And you didn’t even pick it up

Not really 

Not really

I tried 

I always met you halfway

I did all I could 

I was not always right but I did try 

I will just have to stop looking over my shoulder

You were never behind me 

You were never trying to catch me up

We weren’t even on the same page

Our story has been written

The ending was abrupt but coming 

Just like the rings in the boxes hidden out of sight

The pictures boxed up and never to see the light

We are done 

It will take some time to really move passed it all

But that is the only path I have 

KP nuts

Over and out 

Lights out 

Door closed 

Through the rain

Get up even in the cold rooms 

Heating is not needed today

For today you are leaving 

The bags piled high in what was once a happy love filled room 

The clothes strewn on the bed as you decide what you want right now and what can wait 

The cats sit in boxes on the floor watching you 

Tears fall

This has got to be a joke right 

Sick little joke that no one laughs at

Just awkward silence filling the air 

But no, no it’s not

It’s real

The rings that once sat around my fingers showing devotion and commitment are now boxed up and cold

The fingers look bare and alone

Like I felt those nights before the final sentence was given on our whole relationship 

The history was not even given in evidence 

It was just decision made and case closed 

No desire to fight for it 

No desire to change the sentence or even negotiate 

You were done and the finality of it all was so cold, so stern and so emotionless

I have spent some time building my heart and mind back up 

Like my life hasn’t been tough enough after the big C crashed the party last year 

Leaving behind a tumour that would threaten my life 

With treatment that would push me to the brink 

With insomnia and pain being the shadow that followed me for days and weeks after 

But no you had more up your sleeve 

Like the magic show turn horror

You had more to serve

The end of a marriage and a life I had come to rely on so heavily through all these chaotic paths I was being led upon 

I could barely catch my breath at moments 

They would drag me from my gravity and hurl me into such dismay 

Those two beauts looking at me with questions 

My cats were my crutch through it all 

Those long days that never ended, in pain and isolation were warmed by their presence 

And now I’m without that 

I sit with my whole life in boxes and bags 

Charity aplenty as I shed my past

As I shed my skin 

As I rebuild my heart and soul 

As my gut screams loud with I told you so 

The lights from cars break my stare 

The lights in my garden which once brought some peace, now bring fear 

For I am now to rebuild 

Rebuild in my weakest chapter 

Rebuild as my body fights this illness 

Rebuild my life 

Choose my new home 

Choose my new life 

Find myself once more 

I know I will 

My higher self always had my back 

She has never left my side 

I do not feel alone because I am not 

This is a fight for my life 

A fight for my smile and happiness 

My heart will be ok 

My family gather together and protect me 

They collect me and my possessions and they fit them in

They create the security and protection that I want and need 

They hug me tight 

They give me the warmth and support that I always needed

That I always had

My pooches will be with me soon 

My life is in build mode 

I have unlimited choices 

When one door closes 

Another becomes ajar 

I will be ok 

I trust in my creator 

And that creator is me 

This too shall pass

Today was the end of a long time coming 

I can recall the whole ordeal like a distorted scary movie you saw as a youngster that never left your mind 

The dates the expressions, the punchy one liners after diagnosis to the white noise that squealed so loud my ears bled after the separation 

The days that hit me so hard, that I didn’t think I’d ever see the light again in that tunnel 

The tunnel… had never been so long 

And to walk it alone is not easy 

Over these months though my fears I had have diminished 

Blood tests, weight being measured, admissions to hospitals, needles, pain, fatigue, nausea, dehydration, facing mortality, isolation, financial struggles, abandonment, separation, losing parts of your body and battling with parts of your mind 

The side effects varied 

Peripheral neuropathy and morphine were never what I’d known about until this time 

This year has been endless and yet this part is done

This year has broken me 

Yet today I rang the bell for completion 

My emotions are lost in a cluster fcuk of thoughts emotions bewilderment and anger 

They can’t be, because I’m feeling it all simultaneously 

They can’t escape because I’m locked up 

What is all this nonsense 

How was this ever possible 

How have I done it

How did I carry on 

This is not a battle with cancer 

This is a war with yourself 

You have to trust fast and dig so deep your hands will never heal from the dragging of ruins below you 

The hole is dark and you are covered in all the scars and pain and poison flows around your body like a power cut on your health 

You have to witness your appearance change in ways no Snapchat filter could ever really prepare you for 

You have to watch the fear and pain deepen and embed in everyone you knows eyes

You have to drag yourself out of bed in agony you could never describe to just shower and eat 

You can’t keep your breath at 36 when you’ve spent 3 years lifting weights 

You get dizzy making a coffee 

Too much is taken but you sign the contracts and you accept the consequences because life is important 

Yes it’s a new world for me now 

Yes it’s a new process 

Plans will not be as they once were and patience is my new religion 

I am being kind to myself because I have to be, yet, I mourn my previous life and body 

My path is different but it’s the clearest path I’ve ever seen 

My life is different but it is what it is, and I will live it to the full 

My heart is hurt, but will heal 

My bodies scarred, but is stronger 

My mind is baffled, but is finding the answers and the storage for processing and moving forward 

 

Today marked the end of 8 cycles of chemo 

Four EC with 4 admissions

Four Paclitaxal with 2 admissions 

Picc Line in and then out 

Blood results were up every test, even when I caught Covid 

Weight gained but due to meds

Codeine and morphine for pain 

I rang the bell today 

And I am proud of myself 

Because after all the fear tears and sleepless nights 

I’m at the light in this tunnel 

I’ve got respite to come and then I go again! 

Tell me my truth

Come down to me here and tell me your thoughts 

I’m armoured and I wont cry

You should have seen me this passed year 

And then you’d see why 

Come to me here as I lay on my couch and watch the world spin by me

Tell me your tales and horror stories and I won’t even whimper or scream 

For I’ve seen the truth and the darkest of forests of which you’ll never see 

I’ve seen the real horror story 

I’ve been the main part of a twisted tale

So your attempts to scare me are not welcome

I have sat in a room with people all attached by wires to poison 

I’ve seen the faces of people age and hair get thinner and keep falling 

Ive seen the fear in my own eyes every time i call my emergency line 

Ive seen my life just pulled like a mat from under my feet as i stand there shaking and feeling weak 

Ive cried so much that now when i do it stings that little bit more 

Ive seen my whole joy of life as it was, be drained like my blood through my picc line 

Ive met people who have had to stop treatment because if they dont then their symptoms will never leave them 

Ive had to keep going alone on this path as none of you can come with me or help me

Im not scared of anything anymore for when life throws you this nothing trumps it 

So come to me now with your gossip and your opinions and your tales of how you think you can do life better 

So come to me now armed with hate and anger and jealousy and even more terror 

Come to me now with the scariest costume and face paints that would make others whimper 

Come to me now in this ring with the ropes all around us and tell me you’ll fight me 

Push me and punch me and throw me to the ground as they cheer and shout out your name 

See the bruises form and my clothes torn as you count me out of the boxing 

But watch and wait for I’ll rise up higher 

And surprise you all with my inner strength 

You may think you’ve hit me that hard but watch me as I knock you further 

Ill KO you before you can blink 

My scars show courage 

My eyes show strength 

My heart it beats harder with each day that I’m here

As I fight for my life 

And I wrap my heart tight 

And I trust in the medicine 

And welcome the outcome 

Of all of this struggle 

Of tripping and hurting 

My joints and bones weaken but still they keep me moving 

And my mind stays calm 

And I concentrate on my breath 

And I activate my higher self

And I hold onto my chakra 

I close my eyes and I sit in my present 

And I put out to the world what I want

I want my health back 

My life back 

Me back 

And I’ll get that 

Because I’m me

And this is my truth

And don’t you ever forget that 

“Namo Amida Butsu”

You should see the views..

Watch as I climb to the top 

The sweat and tears falling down my face 

My breath is so out of time I can hardly catch it 

I am so determined to complete this 

I am so pissed off this path was ever mine 

I stop to look how far I’ve come and my eyes fill with salty tears 

I’m so fricking proud but so overwhelmed 

I barely believe you as you tell me of the times that have gone by

The pictures of me still bring disbelief 

Like a badly filtered picture I barely recognise myself

For there was a day before all this where I lived with such a carefree attitude

Where I believed I drove my life and chose the direction 

But it turns out I merely observe 

I am just sat watching like a cinema filled with people 

We are simply behind the screen 

We cannot direct it all 

The vast majority of it will happen and we have no control 

No control at all

That’s one for the books as they say 

I was so sure I controlled it 

I thought I could change peoples opinions of me and make them like me and that I could make my life anything 

I could be anything 

Go anywhere 

But some parts are small print

And I never read it

The parts about disease and luck and diagnosis 

That it could happen to me 

And that no amount of “well it won’t” or “it can’t” will stop it 

It won’t knock the door 

It won’t even tell you it’s here 

It will just be there 

And I will be left to deal with it 

Manage it 

Treat it 

Drag myself through the toughest of days with no energy and just this overwhelming feeling of suffocation 

Suffocation on the reality of it all 

As I look back on this time 

Being back at work in November to finding you in December and making jokes about it

To the diagnosis in Feb followed by surgery in April and now as I get through each harsh cycle of chenicals, as time and life just slips away 

I shall remember my reactions 

How calm I was throughout 

How I carried on working until the last minute

How I remained positive 

How I grieved for my body as it was taken away

How I learned to love the new me 

How I am able to forgive myself more and more as time goes by 

That I realise there is no blame 

That this was not my fault 

That this was not in hate or punishment 

That for most things in life there is no reason 

No explanation 

No control 

I long for the life where I thought I could control 

Where I navigated through the nights 

Thinking I was driving 

Merely observing 

Merely a passenger 

But here I am 

You should see the views…

Such a broken piece I cannot fix

What do I tell myself 

I can see the room 

I am sat waiting to go in 

What are we even here for anyway

Fucks sake it’s just so little time in the grand scheme of it all

You stand there in a kitchen having what feels like such a chilled out irrelevant conversation and then bam it’s the last you ever had

I can’t even tell you how I should feel

Closest relative I’ve ever lost

If I’m really honest

A father in law is like a second Dad

When my Dad fell Ill it’s what gave me comfort

He was my “second” Dad

I sit here and I feel gutted 

And I still feel numb 

6months on

From the heightened emotions of the calls and the waiting 

The calls from hospital with the updates

Phones in lessons as I waited for a text

Updates of good and bad and oxygen levels

From nowhere

All the time thinking how the fuck is this even happening?

Daylight isnt the same

Holidays

We used to arrive in a place as a couple and call him 

Tell him about the camper or the weather or journey 

Any concerns on the vehicle or direction 

We got abroad in April and I wanted us to call him 

Tell him about the flight or the wait at passport control 

Hear his annoyance at the system but also give us that support 

See he never had emotional sentiment but everything he did was just that

Some people say I love you

But Roger was helpful and involved 

What we said mattered

He wanted us to know so much 

Information was his fortee

It still doesn’t feel right

Nothing feels complete

Keep looking for the emptiness in our existence 

He left such a gap 

A gap that cannot be filled

We just paint over the cracks hoping no one notices the elephant in the room 

He wasn’t perfect but what he brought is missed

It’s hard to forget such a force of nature 

My wife’s idol 

My father in law

Roger

Mask it till you make it

So the time is upon me 

It’s getting ever nearer and the nerves are becoming unbearable 

I draw on my smile and tell you I’m fine but in reality I want to run and hide 

For this appointment will confirm all of our fears and worries 

It will give detail to this killer army of cells that invaded my body 

That took with it my life and normality 

That dragged me through the woods blindfolded and scared 

Screaming without a voice 

Crying without a tear

I am not allowed to say no because it will kill me 

But to experience the unknown is killing me too 

The waiting is the worst 

Sitting there as days just disappear 

Feels like I’m wasting my time 

I can’t do what I want because I’m not well or it’s a risk 

Sleeping is just more turmoil as my thoughts play out horror movies over and over 

People from the low days come back to haunt me 

Then I wake and it’s another day with C

Another day of discomfort and trying to like my new self 

Helping something heal that will one day be reopened 

No one has the words for me

They pull that expression that I hate to see

They say the words that make me want to scream 

For this is not my fault 

This is not being brave or strong 

It came one day and grew and now it’s making everything I’ve ever made, ill 

All those years of looking after my body and eating well and exercising 

Getting active and fit and lifting weights

Beating covid and getting through painful infections and accidents

For what?

For you to just storm in and destroy it all 

Literally throw my life upside down 

Throw the lives of my family and friends into disarray 

Why?

Did I do something wrong ? Is this karma ? Am I a bad person ?

No? Unlucky you say?

Really is that word even worthy of such a devilish thing 

Unlucky is missing the hoop or the net in sport 

Missing a bus

Not this 

Stage 2 destroyer 

I’m still so angry 

Still so sorry for what I will be enduring 

Because it’s not over is it

I mean honestly ? When will it be

Yes eventually the treatment will end but then what 

The waiting 

Waiting and biding time before the next time or praying I hit 5 years to have some sense of relief

But more treatment 

Menopause 

Infertility 

Surgery 

Scars 

So many wounds but those are what you see

For inside 

Inside my heart and my head 

I am a bewildered child again 

Not quite understanding why me 

It just happens doesn’t cut it

Searching for an answer google will never find 

A justification for just some cruel disgusting reality 

This C has taken enough already

Not sure I have enough in me to keep going 

So I pour this out in the hope it helps

Or at least takes some weight from my shoulders 

Throws the thoughts into the universe and waits for a solution 

Until then I will attend my cycles 

Sit there and watch it go in 

Do as I’m told

Because even if I am so sad and gutted by my reality

I was always the child to do as I’m told 

Even if I didn’t understand the reason 

Mask it till you make it as only an ASD female can

Mr Moo

My mum has always talked about Crispin her GR from when she was young

But I’d never been a dog person because we’d always had cats

They say you are either one or the other 

But after almost 8 years with our pooch I’m both.

I can remember meeting him at our childhood home 

P was with me and she was so happy to see a dog again 

I don’t know why but I felt nervous of his arrival 

God knows why 

Mr moo was my guide for a long time when I was lost 

He was my get out of bed call and I was taken in by his presence 

When I walked him during a difficult year he made me feel ok and safe 

He never pooed in places he shouldn’t with me 

He sat with me on a hill after my ankle gave way and waited whilst in pain I cried 

He wouldn’t let go of a dead rat this one time 

He was running at people in the park with this half eaten rat 

I remember him being trained as a puppy 

And always running at me when I came over 

I told him so much 

He has this look that tells me not only is he listening to every word but that I matter 

What I’m saying matters 

I saw him last weekend 

He was so excited to see me 

He jumped up to me and I was annoyed I was in white 

Why is it I have the stupid thoughts at such good times?

I asked him if he knew about my illness 

His look was deep and almost sympathetic 

I brushed him for hours 

That’s what I did

I got him cute toys treats and brushed out his knots

I used to stand him up to dance with him 

Get him to give me two paws 

And gave him head massages 

This time even a shoulder one 

I never wanted to say good bye to such a friendly dog and absolute anchor to our family 

But my illness is something else we share

Along with some of the best walks I’ve ever had 

He was such a supportive companion

And he gave me such strength at my lowest times 

I am forever grateful to Dystran for being part of our family and to us all a real anchor and rock in some of the hardest years of our lives 

Mr Moo 

I will never forget you

Wish this wasn’t your time 

PS wish I’d been with you in France 🇫🇷 

Those walks we could have gone on 

No 3 wishes

They said they are ready for you now 

The hall is full 

They all brought tickets to see this expression of reality from you tonight 

They are all chatting about what they think you will say 

Making there hasty guesses about the unfortunate reality my actual existence has taken on

The path that was never there

It was never there yet here I am on it 

The under foot is hard to navigate and my feet have been bleeding for months 

Yet still I keep going because what other options are there 

Options give the image of choice 

like I have choices to make about how I wish to live my life 

What a lie

Full on lies 

I am stood at the side of the stage and my hands are shaking 

My arm still burns when I try and outstretch to balance myself from the dizziness this is giving 

What went wrong 

How did I end up here 

How did anyone ever end up here 

I walk out 

Applause 

Then silence 

That’s my cue

Am I a victim or am I a survivor 

What would you say?

Have I really survived this yet 

Am I through the woods

Never an expression I understood more 

I was living the life I had always wanted 

I’d stood up to myself and I pushed the return of my job 

I stayed because I was so sick of running 

I had ran from several jobs in the past and didn’t want that to define me

I took a while to warm to my learners and the reality that I had been that teacher who didn’t turn up and being unable to explain why was hard 

Even with my role I don’t like lying to them 

Finding out what I had was the hardest reality check 

It made me see life for the fragility it really was 

All this poker face shit was for nothing in the end because I could no longer hide

I ignored it daily 

Then the inevitability of this disease - the op date 

Just surreal

I was so strong 

I couldn’t even recognise myself 

The beauty of my ASD is I can mask so well

Years of practice 

It was so believable 

I was so happy on the ward

Opportunities to talk to people who like me were experiencing such a trauma in their life 

Such a scary reality and we all lay with our beds all facing each other 

Didn’t feel alone 

P made me feel better 

A song 

Please make it better - strongest lyric I’ve ever read 

I just want me back 

The girl I was

I was so happy with how far I’d grown from the heap I was this time last year 

Didn’t want applause 

Just wanted the lesson of life to resonate 

To remind you all that time does not wait 

Life does not wait 

Before you know it your time is up or altered and that’s it 

No rewind 

No genie in a lamp

No prayer can stop the reality 

Love your body

Sometimes I lie in my bed and I think about how you are lying with me 

And although you have brought nothing but dread you are a part of me 

I lean over in my usual sleep routine and you remind me you are there 

You cause me pain and I worry and you cause me a scare 

I get myself ready for work in my robotic way 

And I catch myself looking at my body 

What an absolute shame that I never gave much positivity to myself when I had nothing wrong with me 

How I spent several years bad mouthing and hating on a figure that was healthy 

How now I’m left with no option but to lose it

The dates are lingering over my head daily 

I am not sure how long I have left with my full body 

But what that horrible disease has taught me in such short time 

Is how important life really is 

How quickly your security of living can be altered and changed 

How actual reality is not something we own but something we borrow

That when I really think about my life so far I’ve actually been lucky 

That this tumour has changed my whole outlook 

And although I’m still terrified and scared and grieving my body 

I know that when you are cut away from me that’s my journey 

The road is not over and is far out ahead 

These scars will remind me of when it almost ended 

The cells in my body changed and with it so did my outlook 

The outlook no longer including such small minded thoughts 

For we are blessed with anatomy that is keeping us alive and you should never take for granted any part 

You should never body shame yourself or dislike who you are

You should not search for a perfection that you already are

We should not be bombarded with cruel media of trolls 

Because until you feel how I feel 

Until you lie in your bed holding onto a part of your body you will lose 

A part of your body that has to be taken away 

For that is when you truly accept yourself 

Trust me I would do anything to keep it 

But it’s making me ill 

But I will definitely miss it 

paint a picture... paint a smile

 This was never a post I thought I would find myself writing

not me

not the one who always thought negatively

expected the worst

not after all this time and heartache

not after all this shit i've climbed through beaten and broken

not me 

not cancer

not me

why me

did i bring this on myself

did i tempt it with my bullshit comments about it 

why did they say i didn't if i did

why would anyone do that

this was never a post i thought i would be writing

and yet here i am 

typing full of such anger and pain and emotion

without any way of expelling it

this bucket is so full its pouring over the edges

water everywhere

blood and my soul is spilling

spilling out in front of you all

devastated you say

devastated?

should i feel eased at such a word

should i feel better

are you sorry?

why, did you do it?

is this even you feeling this right now

this tumour 

in my body 

in my body every morning i wake reminded of this living nightmare

this tumour, this lump each night i fall asleep in my uneasy awful position 

no 

dont be sorry

dont be devastated

help me 

please someone help me 

help me get through this 

until then i will grab my make up bag

and continue to draw on my smile

what other choice do i have 

Out with the old ways

And when I found it 

My life crashed 

It wasn’t like I thought the worse it just felt unfair 

The last time was so much trauma I didn’t feel strong enough to endure it all again 

Life can flip on you like that sometimes 

No personal reason for it it just does 

The more I read about it the more I realise that these experiences are just shitty lessons 

Never thought I’d need much more but obviously I do 

But these recent times I have been scared of the possibilities of what I’ve found but also I feel like I need to see life for more than I have been 

Endless possibilities that only inner demons and fear push me away from 

If I want it I should get it

I went into a store the other day 

I saw things I wanted and I brought them 

I was surprised with how quickly and effortless my decisions to purchase these trainers and tees were but wow I adore what I got 

Is that a lesson ? Maybe not to bankrupt myself but to enjoy the fruits of my labor

I mean I didn’t know if I’d ever come back from the year that was 2022.

I spent time thinking about my passion and career and nearly walked away from a role I thoroughly enjoy

Yes it’s stressful and intense and a challenge every day but it reminds me I’m alive 

Even when numb I am able to truly feel 

Feel it all and I love it 

So yeah I am waiting on a letter an appointment 

But I won’t stop living because of it 

I will live harder in spite of it

It might realistically be nothing 

But this feeling of how short and fast paced life really is

Was the only kick up the arse I really needed 

Happy new year 

Bring it on 2023

I am so ready for you