Work life

Silent streets are masked in thoughts that drown out the peace
Everybody is thinking
Thoughts are racing like cars in the night
Morning always comes too soon
Never enough time in the day
People lying in bed at night with their eyes heavy yet wide - heads full of the day that's been and those that are coming

Them

leave them to find themselves
leave them to be alone for just one god damn minute
stop strangling them with your fears
we don't all live the same experiences
we all have our own lessons to learn

let them go off into the sunset and trust their decisions
trust that they will fall and trust that they will stand up again

watch them as they leave
watch them as they fly away and hope that one day they return
return to tell you they are thankful

just let people be themselves
let them find there ways
let them fall apart and make it up one day
let them fail an exam
let them fall in love
let them break hearts
just let them

Time to be a participant.

it has never been easy for me
even deciding to write about it was a chore
i guess i am just not as straight forward as id like to be
i watch others and only dream i could be so blasé with things
so last minute, a life with out a list
i mean yes that is too far

i spend a lot of my life thinking about life
not enough of it living it
i am finally able to stand up and admit to my addiction to thinking
my addiction to planning
my addiction to pre-empting every possibility in life
almost living out a life before i have even said hello to a person

seeing the heartbreak before the love is felt
hiding like a scared individual
sitting locked away in my four walls, safe because to observe is to be safe.. surely?
i couldn't be much more wrong
there is a time i recall where i argued my heart and stated life is about the career
the ladder of success
knowing deep down the key to success is wrapped up in just one big fat amazing human treat
LOVE
that is simply all i have ever wanted

too scared to step onto the ladder for it though
to scared to want it
to accept that i need it
that, that is all i crave
that the career can be right, the house can feel right
i can book holidays and drive my car, and buy all i desire
but that this one huge piece is missing

i observe, it is my fascination in humans which drives it
i love to watch people, hear people, see interaction
as a silent bystander, not the main scene, but the one at the side of the stage, watching quietly by the curtain
seeing peoples eyes light up when they feel the feeling of love, and the body language scream love
i watch attentively, falling with them, feeling it with them
i used to sit in a coffee shop and just relax as i knew it was happening around me
but deep down you see, i wanted it for me
i wanted to be the one watched
the one to be in love

there you see, it wasn't that hard was it
to admit it, is the first step :)

Lost

I don't know how to feel
My life is never like anyone else's
Love, is hard for me
But any other will find it easy
I don't know how to be
My family have never struggled
But I have my guard up
And although time never helps it
Sometimes I think it will
And although constant does my head in
Distance makes things worse
I find it hard to relax
I struggle to let things fall as they may
I am not a last minute spontaneous being so that could never be me
I need to understand everything
Categorise and analyse
Until I can't switch it off
And I over think
And I put myself off things and I fall out of love and life and lust
Then I find myself alone once more
Staring at the door that was just slammed shut
Because I couldn't change and I couldn't relax
and they got tiresome and they got angry and they tried to change me and that just pushed me
Pushed me away
Pushed me over the edge
Over the brink of my fears and worries
I don't know how to feel
My life is never like anyone else's
Love, is hard for me
But any other will find it easy

I look to faith to hope one day
I find my way
And I find it easy

Clean cut, maybe not

Take away the cluttered messes
Please open the curtains
Let in the light for once
As it brightens the room you will see the dust
Collecting over the years your life has been lived dormantly
Trust me when I tell you I've been here before
I've had so much hurt
I sometimes feel so very ill from it all
I often wonder how I got myself through

My life has been a real maze
Blessed with so much
But I won't lie, I have lost so much too

I can't explain how I feel tonight
I decided to write for the sake
I want to tell you how I smile these days
How I see the dimples in my cheeks form
How I walked to my car after the gym and I looked up at the dark night sky
How I breathed in life
How good it felt
How alive I feel
How great life is
How I am happy and I wanted you to know
Maybe this doesn't rhyme but that's OK
Life isn't always so clean cut

Tell Me The Tales of Times Gone By

tell me the tales of times gone by
lose me in your words and your descriptions of love
watch me as i drift off to the clouds above and float like an angel
undamaged unhurt, never loved,
look into my glistening eyes in the distant sun and look at all the beauty
no secrets in my eyes, no hurt in my soul just pure and clean

tell me the tales of times gone by
and watch me try to hide the pain
as you detail your loss and struggle, watch me struggle to listen
as i pace the room raising  my voice so loud, trying to understand how you could have let such great things go
you calm me down, you sit me down and you tell me that sometimes this is how our life can go

it was not just the hurts or the losses it was the deaths too
it was all crazy and all lost, and all caught up in the storms

tell me the tales of times gone by
of all of my mistakes
of all of my regrets and how sometimes it was not meant
building another layer, fitting another wall
dragging myself through the days and weeks, and wondering when i look back over my shoulder where all the time had gone

wrap it up now please,
be careful with what is left, its all i have
see me off on my journey again and trust in me
i will do my best to keep it happy
keep  it real and to i will look forward to falling in love again
until then....

gorffwys mewn heddwch

I imagine you are here for a moment
I say a moment but in my thoughts you never leave
see, I would want to explain to you all the years you had missed out on
all those times I wish now I could have asked you for guidance
for help, for your opinion.
I am able to visit you these days, but you aren't here

I picture this sequence
a room with a beautiful view
one of countryside and blissful sounds
a warm summers day, or autumn - autumn can be so pretty
I pour us coffee and we just talk about life
I tell you how I am now as an adult
of all the achievements I sometimes forget
of how hard it was for me to come out and how that now I am, I am free
you would be so proud of me
I like to think you already see
see all that we do on our daily
how the days can be tough sometimes
but that as we grow older, we learn that each day is

the time passes to fast and the day has turned to night
your time is drawing near and  don't want you to go

I understand more as the years pass by Taid
life is fleeting but the memories don't fade
the memories they stay with us
eternally
for a lifetime

Closet talk

Today I could have screamed it
Got sent out the room for the noise
As I watched and listened it upset me
I could and would never feel like they did
I sometimes felt like I'd lost a game
One I had stuck at for years and years
All the effort, all the tears, the dark moments and memories
All for nothing
I couldn't change it
The trying didn't change anything
Not a damn thing

They are all laughing
Passing around opinions trying to involve me
I cant do it
I don't feel it
They can't see it
And I can't say
It's too hard
Can't un say words
This is real time
Can't undo
So I smile
I laugh along
I talk like I get it too
Feel it too
But I don't
I can't
I never will
I never did
I'm ok with it
But are they?
Should I say?
Would it be worth the risk?

Finding my feet

Tell me you are here and that you are ready
ready to help me change my life for the better
sit with me a while and wait until I stop crying
crying because I am exhausted
exhausted by my life

Call me tonight and listen to my woes
listen to my heart break through the phone
listen to my mind play tricks on me
catch me quick, don't let me flee

Just help me stop all of this gaming
the one in which I lost my footing
the one in which the light goes out
and I cant be found

Tell me you are here for me and always will be
help me clear up all the mess I have made
the mess of my heart is stained on the carpet
and I don;t know how to stop it all crumbling away

As I start the bath, the water runs over me,
it takes away all of the mess
all of the damage
all of my worries and they all get lost in the plug hole
they all float away forever

I am free

Bright Spirit

The sun was a spirit that kept us smiling
A day with the sun out was a positive one
People got out and about more
Spent more time
Out and together
Laughing and talking and being

Being free
Feeling alive
Believing anything is possible
Not giving in
Not running away

Enjoy the warmth of the sun
Remember how you feel
How you want your life
How it is all there in front of you
Reach out
Be true
Be true to you

Better late than never

Watch me from a car on the street outside my house
Turn off your engine and breathe in my style
Forget about where you should be and watch me
Watch me as I live like I'm alone
Like no one has seen the sadness

I will get ready for a night out
One I have planned for most the year
The sun is out and my spirits are so high
I couldn't ask for anymore

I wasn't meant to be in this story
I feel like I have messed up my destiny
Nothing I believed in exists
I'm not saddened or angry I'm just disappointed
I feel lost, the walls are too white, nothing looks lived in anymore
Just blank it out
Smudge out the personalities and paint them all grey
Don't smile and never love

Worry about the way you look and the way you feel and the way people see you
Don't relax and always breathe in when you're around people
Don't ever let a single tear fall, tilt your head back and push the emotions back into that brimming heart and mind of yours with the creative river bursting at the edges
Praying to escape, to stand at the top of the world and shout out the truth

Calm yourself dear,  don't let on that you find this world suffocating at times
That you wish people worked out for fitness and not vanity
Then when you looked at another you all just saw beauty and not a clothes size or an envious undertone
Just beauty

Watch me from a car on the street outside my house
Look hard enough and you will see the fear as I live each day
As the truth now envelops me and protects me and sometimes I wish you all knew
Knew that I am ok with how it all ended up
I guess it was all a little late
And old faces are back and unchanged
But on oath I will just add
That yes I do have regrets
I regret that  I wasn't enough to accept myself
That I felt trapped and lost for too long
But now is my time
Better late than never
Better late than never

A description of patience

Suddenly the room became dark
So dark I couldn't find the light switch
I shuffled around helplessly
Straining my eyes to see more as I grew scared
I was alone and I couldn't see anything in front of me
I couldn't shout out as no one could hear me
I was alone up here in this house and I couldn't stop the shivers
The night was in full now as it crept closer to the morning
I was curled up in a ball as the cold surrounded me
I had my eyes closed and I was sobbing
I just had to wait

Costa

Today I was sitting down
It was a comfy chair in the middle of a train wreck
People rushed around me with lives
Whilst I sat and sipped on my iced latte as I wished for time to pass quicker
I had an appointment so I was urging my life along
Who does that?
Is it because of my age that I'm always so impatient with the 24hr days or the working weeks all of a sudden
I mean come on now; they have always been this way in my lifetime and yet here I am moaning about them.
Hurry up clock, go faster
It's not a pleasant way at looking at life is it
Just think there could be someone begging for time right at this moment
As I type this to you now
Begging for another hour
Another minute
Another day
Another chance
A chance to do life right
What is right?
Is it the opposite of left?
Does it mean perfection
Who's right is it anyway
Who chooses what's right and what's wrong
That person who made you regret that one time
That ex who was mean
That friend who just walked on out
Who?
Was it you?
I mean it's your life right?
Shouldn't it only be you who judges you?
You who regrets?
You who is right
I digress
Where was I
That's it the coffee
The iced latte
The sipping
The ice cubes
The plates tapping and people queuing
All waiting for their hit
Hit of caffeine
More energy
More energy to fit more into their day
Their life is too fast
Yet I'm wishing time away
And guess what this only took 5mins to type out
Gutted
Still waiting....

Dark waters

Calm the waters
Stop the storm
Tell me you don't need me here anymore
Watch the sun set
Watch it rise
Don't keep following me around
Don't hide

Accept my sorry
Accept my plea
Remember how hard this really was for me
I can't hurt you
I'd never try
I still love you
God knows why
I never let go
I just moved past
I can control
I can prevent

I needed a shadow but now I don't
I want my own life
I want my own happy
New and exciting
float in the waters
Watch the storm
Trust me when I say I've got you

Affection and Affliction

and maybe it was because i had felt cold for many moons
and maybe it was because we had once been inseparable
maybe it was because i am to admit finally, i was lonely

the pain was never too severe and i didn't feel it too much as the days rolled into one
but as the time went by and the tears had stopped
i became numb
i became unnecessary
i didn't need you
and you didn't need anyone
i had let go of my heart restraints and i had given up

but that night, that night was surprising
it woke me up
i had had a fleeting moment in my year but it had left before it became anything worthy
it hadn't worked out
i had wished it to but we weren't the same
we couldn't blend
i want to stop it but at the same time embrace it
that want is back
it has been awoken
i need that closeness
i need that affection
i need love
i need it all
i want it all
i wont shy away
i wont hide

just wish it could stay
with that whom awoken it
but that cant be the way
love was lost along the day
i grew up and grew older
and i shed it

Two lanes

Take my hand
Walk me down our lane
Tell me that even though there's no love left
There will always be a pain
Please don't let this be all it is
I don't know how this can happen
So much time must've starved all we had
Still we have the memories
We have all the love and care
Just it's not as I'd imagined
As I'd wished for
We were supposed to fall in love
Live together forever
Be together forever
Be you and me
Me and you
As I'd always wanted you to

Best laid plans
Guess this is it
That is you and this is me
Separately

Show me my soul mate

Final sentence was passed
I felt nothing anymore
I feel it had been beaten out of me years ago
I looked directly into her eyes
I saw her, just as I'd always pictured
All those years fantasising about her
And now in front of me
Nothing

Just familiarity
I actually surprise myself
I want it to hurt me
I want to cry all night
But I feel nothing
I feel altered
I feel like somebody else
Do I get it
Am I pinching myself
Am I awake
What is wrong with me
The mirror is my face
My eyes
My feelings
I am just over it
All thinking
All this agonising
All this wanting
And now I am faced with it
Real and actually happening
Just friendship
Should I be happy
Should I be sad
All I ever created was just that
Fictional
I always say I don't like fiction
Yet I am here and breathing it in
If all I ever adored and loved has crumbled
What does that mean?
All I have wanted is in someone else
Well I wish to meet her
She will blow my mind if better than a 10yr fantasy
Seriously
Bring her on - I can't wait to meet her

The thoughts in my head unwind with each word

Tired eyes droop into faces on trains in places I visit often
Sad voices soften in the rain at night
The trees get blown so hard you expect them to snap and crash down the streets
But they never do; they just hold on

People have rows loudly in kitchens with windows open whilst babies are sleeping
A lady runs for a bus that had no intention of slowing down; but she keeps running

Muddled up numbers in maths class leave that one kid embarassed as they never get the question
Another heart breaks from rejection for a date via text
Someone loved them but the victim had been looking in the wrong place

Listen to a guitarist play songs without a care in the world
As the rain pours on a busy street full of passers by with places to be and shops to spend money in
He hopes to eat that night whilst these people are spending money in their minds like there's no tomorrow

Watch as they drive too fast and slam on breaks at the last minute
Almost causing chaos in there impatience

Bad attitudes get you nowhere
People you haven't seen in years get you better in two hours than some of your closest in the inner circle of your life; the shock is that you're surprised by this

Don't count your money too much
Try not to waste your experiences saving it all for that rainy day that never comes
You can't take it with you, and that day you inhale your final breath you will wish you'd lived with more risks and thought less about the tomorrow that won't always come.

Birds Birds, Fly Away..

bird birds fly away
don't come back another day
for this worlds evil this worlds glum
i don't want you hurting, you can ask anyone

birds birds fly away
please just stay away another day
this worlds fighting
there's too many wars
there's so many deaths
and there's never the right cause

birds birds fly away
please accept my plea
i don't want you dying too
but i need you to see
all the countries losing lives
and all the families suffering
all the children left alone and all the world is crying
no one wants to watch the news and no one can determine
whether this will ever end and whether we are trying
prevention and education and understanding and care
together and teamwork and love and despair

birds birds fly away
i promise i will fix it
i will raise awareness and ill make sure people see it
i will shout out from my lungs and hope for a better future
i will hope this world is safer and hope that life lasts longer

Wish

My dreams illuminate the night sky
I wake from fantasy
I feel alive
I wish so hard that all I saw was real

I wish it was all real

One of those days

I'd lost myself today
I was sat and realised no thoughts crossed my mind
I wanted to feel something
But all I felt was sinking feelings

I had lost myself again
After so many years of building up confidence to fight through the tough times
The lessons and experience fell away and left me alone
No thoughts no control

I went searching for myself
I went through every page in my diary and re - read poems till tears did fall
But I couldn't grasp my thoughts
My head felt empty
There was nothing there at all

Days became weeks
And life wasn't changing
I was getting tired and my heart, it was aching
I didn't want an ear or a doctor
I just wanted me back

Someone told me to man up
Chill out
It will get better
Don't worry
People this, people the other
Don't lose it, don't cry, don't bother
More of this shit and more of the other

Monday morning lecture

Catch your dreams
When you have them all, hold them tightly
Don't allow the present to throw you off your course

At night, collect your thoughts
Accept that not every day is going to be perfect and not everyone can be either
Remember this point as it will save you from the disappointment later

Try not to try so hard
Not everyone is like you and so in turn, not everyone cares like you do
Life is like that, I guess it's part of its charm

Just remember to be true to yourself
If people let you down and hurt you
Don't lower yourself to their level
Rise up and move on
And as hard as it is,  let them go.
They were never worthy and after your lessons you should realise nothing good can come from this.

Changed

I want to be your everything
I want to be your nothing
I want to be your memories
I want to be your now
I wish I never met you
I wish we never split
I can't keep going over this
I think it's best it's done
I can't see how my life could be
I only hear your tales
Of how it all went down that hill
I feel guilt and betrayal
I want to fix up every scar
I want to interfere
I can't keep going over this
I wish I'd never cared
I can't see the right or the wrong anymore
And have no idea of what's next
I can only accept it as it is
And hope that life does the rest.
I feel nothing I miss nothing I have become someone different
And unfortunately that is all I have
And all I can be
And all I can offer

Finished with the mess

Build me up
Tell me what will be
Help me to look forward
Teach me to trust you

Then keep this going
Let the weeks flow by
Let my excitement build
Let me think how happy am I

Then on the day of
Or the week of the plans
Ignore me completely
Push me to the ground
Shatter my once fine existence
Blow up all of my dreams
Take all my confidence away
Leave me all alone

Don't explain yourself
Oh no... just let me wonder
Let me hurt myself thinking
As I sink deeper into this mess
Don't stop my tears
Just ignore me forever
Remind me now how I should have never
Spoken to you again
Kept the candle alight
For there are so many of you doing this now
It's hard to stay bright
When all I can see
Is just those I regret
Those who keep pushing me down
Those who will never stay

Don't build me up to break me
Don't tell me what I wanna hear
Just be that selfish bitch you were born to be and stay away from me stay clear
Don't call me when you need help
Don't msg when you're bored
Just go away forever
And I'll pretend we never knew each other at all

Nightmares returning

I didn't ever expect to see these people again
I had said goodbye a long time ago
I had laid it all to rest
And now they were here
I couldn't lose them
I couldn't be hurt again
I wasn't sure what to do
It was never easy
Life isn't meant to be
But I didn't ever expect to see these people again
I had said goodbye a long time ago

I know my own worth and ability

Believe me when I say I'd forgotten
Please accept it when I say I underestimated myself
How over the years I have forgotten my achievements and my capabilities
And that until yesterday I thought I was stuck

To learn so much over the years
To of studied and graduated
To of earnt and made money

They think I need them
They think they can convince me
They think I am stupid

Should the offer not meet my requirements
I shall be left with no choice but to do better elsewhere
Be better elsewhere

I will be honest
I have no real desire for old dreams anymore
I don't wish to be what I thought I once did
I now know what I'm good at
And I know I am capable of achievement

To leave doesn't scare me
To walk with resignation isn't a fear
I will only grow more
And land on my feet
And find my true calling

For everything, a reason
Life motto
No such thing as coincidence
All as it should be
I will adjust
the offer needs to meet my wants
If not ciao
Toodle pip

What a wonder

They came back
After so much time I forgot they could
The tales were harrowing
And the consequences hurt
All I could do was listen
The love that had once diminished had re-lit
The rooms were no longer dark
Everything became so clear
But I couldn't fix it
I had arrived at the end
I couldn't prevent any of it
I had to sit and listen helplessly
Try and comfort them
All memories appeared though
Those I hadn't thought about in so long
I wasn't unhappy
I just felt saddened
Saddened for the lives that some people endure
They know though
They know I will be here
I always was in their minds
Now I would hope to be in their hearts

Terminal

Stopped the day
Held time tight
I knew this was it and I wasn't ready

I mean seriously who ever is?

They suggest a bucket list
You know think of all your dreams and desires and list them off like chores
Then quickly do them
Cuz that will fix it right?

What if you wish for life?
Time?
Marriage and kids?
Do these happen so quickly?
When the clock is counting down and you're scared to breathe too deep

She stayed up all night
It wasn't on her list but it was simple
She lay in her partners arms and the tears streamed
She just wanted to be held like this forever
To be kissed and cuddled and to never feel alone

When and if you have this time
What do you do with it?
You obsess over losing it
You worry over the ending
How it will happen
How you will go
How it will feel
Will you be alone

No ends of bucket lists or alcohol can dimmer this shriek in your heart
The fear in your eyes
This emptiness in your soul

I dreamed though
I got lost in them
I was stopping time
I held it so tight
I knew this was it and I was ready

Anxieties

Get the next train
Come and meet me at our place
It's been so long but I hope you remember
I'm trying not to get happy
I don't even know if you know
I can't let myself be hurt again

I want to bring it all up
I am literally stood with a rake
I wish to drag us through it all again
Not sure for whom or why
Please, dont let me
I can't go this far

I got ready today
I painted on my smile
I dressed for the image
Inside I was terrified
They say fear isn't real
They say to regret nothing
This they are not real
How can they be?

The wind changed direction

The room was silent
No one was left
All I could hear was the noise in my heart as it fell to the ground
I couldn't catch it anymore
I had lost all of my strength
I heard the things people said and each word smashed up a little more
I could see the way they looked at me
I could feel their hatred
I knew I wasn't enough
I never could have been
The roads outside just shut out the truth
They made it all seem so normal
They made me think it was too
Death happened in all sorts of ways
Not just a last gasp of air
But a last gasp of life
I didn't tell a soul
I sat alone in this room until the light shone through the windows
I left the mess
I left the past
I grabbed my coat and I walked away
I realised then that to stop this cycle
To prevent this continous stream of tears
I had to change
I had to try something different
And I had only myself to sort it

Moving on

Today it hurt
I felt like the day didn't need me
I was dizzy and down
I couldn't find my own strength
I imagine your smell and I feel sick
I can't feel like this
Tears are falling
Life can be so tough
But I look to the sky
I know I have been through worse
And I will always rise
See it may hurt today
But tomorrow it will only be a memory

Bustle and Tears

I caught the end of your message
Life was so much busier these days
To find 5mins was a luxury saved for sleep or a bath
You had told me it was over
You had said you weren't happy and that I couldn't change it
You said the end of the line was now and you didn't want it
*           *              *
I didn't call you back
I didn't feel words were enough
For any thought out sentence just seemed useless
I didn't want to fight for something that wasn't worth it
Sometimes people just don't fit
It's nobodies fault
We can't force it
I don't want to
Like I said my life got busy
Never a spare minute
I need ease
I need tranquil
I want the person who wants me
So I deleted the message
Negative vibes are best to get rid of
Doesn't do anybody any good

Busy

Caught the last train home
The night had arrived quicker than normal
The hustle and bustle of conversations had me lost
So much life surrounded me
I sat huddled up in my coat thinking of my day
Same old moments played over and over
I should of been clearer with it all
I could of prevented so much
The train doesn't stop as much at this time of night
Yet it still appeared to be full
I only had three more stops to go
I couldn't fight my need for sleep
My eyes were heavy
I was asleep before I could finish the......

Your steps

Walk to my door
Let yourself in
I am expecting you
You are late
We always knew
We knew it all
You were so terrified
So scared
It was hard to watch
We wish we could of intervened
But unfortunately it is one of those things
We can't tell you
All your life is your own
We all have our ideals and expectations but life can come around and slam those
We are fine
Your life will be soo happy
You have finally found it
Your destiny can be drawn
Clearly scripted
Clearly defined
Clearly love

Illustrated abstract

Riddled in self loathing
Can't seem to wash off the stains
Struggling to breathe in this world full of filth
Looking for excuses to climb from this well
The well I had made too many a wish
Grabbing all I can get and running with tears streaming down my face
My hair is knotty and dirty
My face is weathered and exhausted
My feet want to move on, sick of carrying this shit load around
Nails dug deep in mud
From the times i fell down
Drunken or wasted from narcotics
I draw a picture to explain my thoughts
Its all black
Circles and smudge
Just a large smudge
My life is soo drained
Oh to be someone else
Vivid dreams make me lose my step
Broken shoes
Cut knees
Blood trickling
No light at the end of this tunnel

Never have I ever

Never have I ever
That's the game we should play
I'll tell you a secret if you promise to make my day
I'll try and be honest and tell you how i feel
Ill wear my heart on my sleeve
Well I'll try to at least.

I will describe my day at work and how i wish i came home to a familiar face
How sitting alone can get tiresome
And that living alone is a battle
That I'm stuck in this rut and i can't find the light
And I'm fighting my fears and trying to do right
That I'm craving love and to be loved in return
That my life seems so lifeless and I can't see the turn
I cant see the way off of this beaten old track and I'm so scared of losing all I want back
That i push anyone away who could possibly change all this and that
And that some days i wish i could just dream it back
I fight with my feelings i fight with my fears i fight with my smiles i fight with my tears
I wish it and hate it and want it and need it
I told you I'd be honest
And the weight lost is a relief
I cant keep on lying and burying deep
All that i yearn for all that i weep
I just want my happy ever after
To be real and to fill my heart with love and laughter.

The Door is Ajar

You didn't see me leave this time
too busy in your own life to notice
i left the door ajar in case you followed me out
but I also thought be silent, don't draw attention

I hadn't the words any more to argue with you
and I didn't want to make you want to stay with me
I felt this was your doing
and you should already feel this way

I was wrong though as I can be
not a perfect anything any more
i just wanted the time to pass quickly
as with it, id heal even more

Onwards and upwards
quickly I run off
into the night I lose myself
lose you
lose us
find me
there I am, ready and willing to try again
life continues
so should we

Maybe, it was you

Maybe it was you
you could have been the cause of this
maybe you are the reason I am like this
they say everything comes from something
maybe in this case, you are the something that caused the problems

I don't want to say I am completely blameless
but I have never intentionally lied
I have been the way I knew how until that way hurt too much
and now I am this way, and cant help but think that is your fault

I know that life is not meant to be easy
life can be the one thing we obsess over and the one thing we wish we could improve
just the catapult of frustration slamming hard into walls 24/7
with no loop hole
no cheat to the next level
just this continuous spin on a gravity pulled sphere
existing in some black cloud of space
praying for the peace inside for so long
i have forgotten how to talk

like the first love always was, life is confusing
you are not sure whether you are coming or going
and I think that when you solve that conundrum........ bang,your time here is over
no time to fix the before or the present you are just an after
and in after, I mean life
a grief, a thought in someone's day as they also stroll about their day trying to solve this life
and in turn this is just a repetitive notion one in which, no one ever wins, no one ever solves
we just continue spiralling into the peaks and troughs of our existences

not knowing whether we are coming or going
arriving or leaving
loving or hating
just surviving
waking up angry, waking up sad and waking up all moods in the middle
fighting with our minds and our hearts and our feelings and our fears
missing all those things we had but fucked up
all those rows we paint over as we replay our pasts
everything was apparently so rosy, so utterly perfect we sit in denial wondering why the room is so empty
why isn't it filled with joy and laughter and love and families
nope just the pitter patter of our fantasies onto act 700 still creating the impossible

maybe it was you
maybe I feel this way because you treated me that way
you taught me to be this way
to loathe and fear and worry and lose control of our dreams
to wake up completely drained from the overplayed times of our lives
one day there will be nothing to play
it will be so blurred out we will have forgotten the reasoning and the people and the point
one day we will have ran out of time
the day will have dawned and the night will have left us with nothing more than an empty feeling
all this over analysing and typing and obsessing when life continued on outside

the day drew to a close, the clock lost us another hour
we spent even more time rushing around without a clue
and more time watching screens
and more time sitting in and thinking
maybe it was you, I think you made me this way
and now I am trying to undo the damage
thank you

Bullying Bullies Everything (edit)

It wasn't like this when I was younger
We didn't play like that
We didn't spend all our time in our rooms typing and tapping at screens
Headphones on
Music blaring
Swear words bouncing round our heads
Aggression building
Hating
Posting comments that hurt
Hurting
Just becoming this presence in social media
Destroying people's confidence
Rating people
Making people small
They didn't know how deep it got
They didn't realise the repercussions
They just spat out vile and logged out not another thought

Nowhere to hide from it all
Waking every day to the same old drama
Wishing that the pain would go away
Realising life would never change
Scared of school and college and work 
And logging in or logging out 
Even been seen out on a walk
Lock yourself up, hide it all
Cry quietly, let no one know
Hear their words bounce round your head 
Let them win, there is no other way

When they became damaged
They became hurt
They cried out in nightmares
They began to drown
They became detached
Started writing dark thoughts
Stopped eating
Started drinking
Started drugs
Became lonely
Withdrawn
skipped school
Never opened up

One day a call
An announcement in assembly
A news story
A letter
A lost soul
Another life wasted
Ruined and destroyed
A family in shock and despair
Another life taken
Bullying
Let's make it stop

Final Words to an Old Shadow

And when you sit there exhausted
and everything they have said is spinning around your head
and you are feeling dizzy with it all and wish the ground would swallow you up
stand up
be tall

the words they spit are just insecurities of their own
and they wish to drone them on to you
they mask all that they are and hide behind this wall of fear
they wish to impose fear onto you to deter it from themselves
they are nothing more than words and words that they know hurt
stand up
be tall

create strength in the weaknesses
find a reason to carry on standing tall
don't let yourself fall
this is the time of your life
push all the negativity away
it was never meant to be here


believe me
there is always a reason to stay
stick it out, prove em wrong
prove me right
stand up
be tall

Valentines Moment

& if the world is ignorant
& if the pain is strong
& if you can't fight it any more
& if your friends are wrong
& if the sky is always black
& if it always rains
keep holding on so tightly
& I'll save you once again

& if the days just pass you by
& if nothing can ever change
& if you can't hold your head up high
remember I always came

I will be there everyday
I will be your smile
I will be your saviour, in the broken world
I will carry you if you fall
I will stop the tears
I will understand every thought
I will know it all

In your life
In my life
In our life
forever more

I will never leave you
you will be my one
you will be my reason
you will be my world
you are and have and will always be
my heart and more

Family

Lay the foundation
Tell me all of your wisdom
Save some until I am older
Put on my coat and warn me of the cold
Help me with my laces
Wrap me up in your love
Show me to the door
Make sure I open it
Make sure I walk through it
Don't do it for me
Teach me, don't lead me
Show me, don't tell me
Let all of my life be my own
Wrapped up in your manual of life
I will struggle, I will plead for help
Don't be tough but teach me strength
Watch me dust myself off
Watch me make my self
Be proud when I succeed
As You know I will
For you are my foundation
You made the base and I created the pattern
Each day I mold my life into my own shapes
I let people in and push people out and it is all my own doing
My life is my way
My decisions come from my heart
No one can ever tell me
For to try will push me and to push me is to lose me
Respect is higher than any comparable height
The love continues to grow
You are my everything
And I wrote this out to just let you know

Should you ask

Catch me as I fall
See me struggle and help me
Tell me you love me and need me
Stop my tears

Catch me as I stumble
Protect me at night
Hold me tight and never punish me
Don't hate me

When I feel weaker, stand me up
Say you will stick with me
Understand me and love me
Never let me down

If you don't fit, don't try
For we shouldn't have to change
For we are all ourselves
And proud we should be
I will never change nor will I adjust
I will be me for that is all I want to be

Look at all the beauty

Rushed feet pass strangers
Lives so busy
No one even looks at eachother anymore
Traffic jam highways
Queues miles long
No one takes a moment anymore
They all just rush
Push into people
Shrug passed people
Not a word
Just irritated noises
Pissed off undertones
All gotta be somewhere yesterday
Never enough hours in the day
Always somewhere else in our heads
Always tapping words on a screen
Always half listening
Always half remembering
Counting down our days
Wishing away our weeks
Wishing away our lives
Gone too soon
Buried in the earth
Weeds and rain
No one around
Just the sound of traffic screeching past
Someone else is lost
Another life gone
On to the next one
One by one
Life by life
Day by day
...... i dare you to come to a halt
Pull over, stop running
Look around you
Look at all the beauty

Final Moments

Collect your things
Search through the pile on my floor and find whats important
For we aren't anymore
When you leave this time, close the door tight. I don't want you coming back this time
As i open every window and the goose pimples appear on my arms, i let you and your smells float out into the night.

I don't want your apologies as we have heard those all too often and i don't want your tears
I want you to walk head held high like you said you would
See your words were harsh and to forgive i will not
This has become something evil and needs to be cut off
Don't call me over and over and stop with the texts, this is done

So find all your things pick them up quick and walk out that door, shut with a click
Into the night into your life
I am fine
And at least now i know better

What Next?

I didnt get up today
I heard my alarm screaming at the tops of its lungs and I just shut it off and turned over
I didn't want to wake up
I wanted to fall into dreams forever
For compared with now, they were better
I felt the day push passed me and I knew people would be angry
But who cares anyway, they could never feel the way I feel
Not ever.

I didn't get up today
I couldn't face my reflection
I could feel my heart beating out of time and my thoughts crashing and the pulse getting faster and i was struggling.
It was killing me
All of these memories and doubts
All these hurtful surroundings
All forcing their way in to swamp me
To push me to my limit
To stretch me so thin I lose myself

So I stayed in bed
I convinced myself my life was a dream
One which i would wake up from
That the demons weren't real and the doubts were not there

Days passed me
It was becoming something even I couldn't cope with...
What next?

Spring clean

Take down the decorations
This day is over
Everything has been drank and everyone has gone
All that is left is the rooms
Full of white noise
The party was loud and my ears feel blocked
The music still sounds like its on
You should see the mess
They'd never be like this in their own house ~ go figure when they trash yours
My eyes are so heavy, I want to leave this till the morning
But I don't

Sometimes life can surprise
It can revisit rooms you thought had been locked up
It can untidy your once sorted mind
You can be left with memories reeling over and over, drowning you in your past
Nothing bad but nothing you need reminding
You can feel like a cheat because you miss it
You can feel confused

You clean up faster
You believe your mind will settle once you do
De-clutter your mind with each movement
Leave yourself empty
Take in a deep breath and believe you are ok
That the past has a crazy way of creeping up
That guilt isn't necessary
Take down the decorations
The day is over
And you will live to see another

War and Fears

Triggered the lights and it went out
Left with nothing but the memory of what had been seen
Rituals were taken and shuffling feet made there way towards the outside space
Screams were heard but from where I couldn't say, my eyes weren't adjusting quick enough
This was how it went, every night the same
Like a bedtime but without a choice and it didn't matter what age you were
For safety they said, get in the bunkers lights out and sleep... better if you're asleep, you'll miss all the terror
You won't hear the bombs land, you won't witness your house being smashed to the ground, you won't see your wordly possessions turn to ash in the flames
For, you will be locked up below the ground, wishing your eyes would adjust so you could find people you knew, reminding yourself for comfort that they'd made it in here too
Praying that when you wake up, you're not alone in this existence but that your family are battling on with you
That one day you will walk the streets above without fear
That one day your life won't be under threat
That one day war will be a thing of the past and peace will reign upon us all.

My Journey

The hill seemed ridiculous
Looking at it as we pulled up
My heart just sank... i was never going to climb it
Groups of people started to arrive
We had created chants to keep the drive and motivation
"If we want it to happen it will"
Over and over like fans in a football final
Crowds formed and the challenge became real
Looking around peoples faces just looked excited
They said the view was breathtaking and we all wanted to see it
So on your marks get set, go!!!
The power walk began
It at first seemed too easy, people started drinking their liquids eating their energy and chatting like we were almost at the top... but we weren't we had barely started
My legs were throbbing, aches and pains and blisters... I'll be honest the curiosity of the view didn't seem as thrilling anymore.
The crowd died down... people tailed off or gave up
Rolled themselves back down the little acheivement they'd accomplished
I would watch but kept thinking, I've come this far... i should keep going
If you want it to happen it will
Don't just give in
I was exhausted
My water was out and my leg was agony
But i felt so close
It felt warmer
Calmer
The energy felt amazing
My heart soared
That feeling of achievement
One i never felt possible
I was there and my god it took my breath away
You stood at the top of your paradise
It looked like... to be honest i can't say
For I walked it to find out for myself
And to myself i shall keep it
If you want to see, you'll have to compete too
Compete in life and see where your life could end up
Quick before time runs out...

Secrets

Follow me to the darkest place
Sit with me for a while
Try not to take it in too much
This place isn't even real
Listen to the sound of life
As it passes us by
Tell me to take your hand
And get on board the flight
Don't tell me to stay away
For that would never do
We are meant to as one
It's supposed to be just me, and you
Tell me of your horrid past
And watch the tears fall
As I can not believe my ears
Not a minute, nothing at all

Just saying

When i tell you i dont care
Ignore me cuz i got a heart so big like an army and the feelings get so strong like a thunder storm
It can be dangerous but i love them
I love all that you give me and all of the feelings and all of the stresses and all of the drama and the making up kisses and the feelings and the feelings
I'm in love