As the day falls

What is left to collect

Like a party full of guests a table full of glasses

Tell me what to clear away

Tell me what to get rid of 

The place used to look so white and clean 

These days it’s stained in a colour I cannot shift

A life that’s been and left pain all over the place

A life that was reeling happiness and potential is now struggling to breathe in the waves of the sea

Such a long time 

Memories spilling over the sides 

Continuously drowning my hopes and dreams with moments in time 

Moments I cannot seem to shed 

Shed so that I can re build 

Telling everyone you met that you were a fraud 

A fake it till you make it but fake it forever type person 

Like you could never step out of place

That it must have been me 

When it’s written all over your face 

Etched in like a tattoo 

You told me you were happy 

You told me that we would be ok 

You told me that it was forever

When I got the news you told me in sickness and in health 

Cancer they said 

As I stared into the blankness as my mind looked for the words

Cancer

In my breast 

For a while

Surgery and treatment 

The mat was pulled from below me 

I could barely make eye contact

But you told me you would be there 

As I say numbed like anaesthetic 

You told me you would be there 

I believed you 

I trusted you 

But you left me 

You left me alone so much 

I blamed myself for the C

I tried so hard to be attractive 

So hard to be me 

The me before this took over my body

Took over my health 

Took over me 

As the days fell

So did our relationship 

Our wedding day memories became foggy

The promises we made on holidays 

As we flew into new countries

As we decorated houses

As we created our life 

Cancer just took it all

All your promises

All our plans and future wishes

I lay here 

My mind searching through the years of moments 

Moments of happiness and joy

Moments of heartbreak 

Moments of triumph and achievement

Moments of despair 

As we lay it to rest

Divorce on the horizon 

All those stages of trying to create a unit

A unit that crumbled

A unit that died

When is it enough?

Take away my sanity and leave me be 

Take away my filter and let me bleed

Don’t try to stop this rage you see forming 

Let it spill over and drown my surrounding 

Let me cry until I’m sick 

And when I’m sick let me cry again 

For all this trauma has left a feeling 

A feeling I cannot shift

It weighs me down like heavy shopping 

I’m starting to wonder what I’m even carrying 

Put down the bags and go through it all

Get rid of that, which doesn’t serve me 

That curbs appetite or causes sickness

Check dates and ask how long I really have 

Will I even want it when the time comes 

Choose what I like not what they say I should

Then condense it

10 bags become 5 bags become 1

Stand up and look at all that baggage I didn’t need

Those feelings that did not relate to me

That behaviour was not my fault

My illness was not my doing 

As I leave the store of my life 

The existence I have observed and witnessed has been overlooked at times 

Some of the hardest memories swarm me at nights I cannot sleep 

The treatment I have endured was the making of me 

Through that line pumping poison around every inch of my body came gratitude and clarity 

It opened my eyes to realities I had ignored

It made me choose me 

The days I felt like I was fading away 

So pale I was barely seen or recognised 

The comfort and securities of life packed up and left 

I was left in pain I could never write 

My body was fighting whilst being fought 

I was drowning whilst helplessly blowing up armbands 

I will never forget the smell, or the sensation of chemo entering my once healthy body 

The insomnia and pain 

The inability to do anything 

So now I walk away with my bag 

Only what I need 

Life is all about only what you need 

Mortality is real 

Life will end

What do I really need 

What should I really carry 

What serves me 

What enlightens me 

What helps me see the calm through a storm 

Healing when broken 

The light when lost 

Me 

It was always me

And only in that moment of my diagnosis 

And only in that moment of scans 

Lying in mris, rts or ct machines

Veins being pumped with dyes and poison and antibiotics

Injections daily 

Medications so high it was endless

It was me 

I kept going 

I didn’t give in 

I had to talk myself into every round 

It was always me 

Stop the whirlpool

How do I stop the flowing of agonising thoughts from spinning around my head?

Why do I carry such luggage around?

Where am I planning on staying?

I lay here and I still hit the wall with the complete unacceptable reality that has played out for me over 12months 

Even longer if I am honest 

What happened? When did I stumble on the hornets nest?

What did I do to end up here?

I had a marriage, I had my health, I was doing well at work 

We had found our forever home 

But that place saw the demise

The demise of my life as I knew it 

It all crumbled away like an old wooden shed 

It had been rotting for years

But I hadn’t seen it 

I barely visited it 

Didn’t take care of it

The paint was never going to cover up the damage that was spreading 

I cry tears of salt as I struggle with it all 

Stages of grief aren’t easy 

Such solace 

Such sadness 

Such an earthquake 

But this time, we didn’t survive … 

Won’t forget you

So I came to sort my meds but I’ve grabbed a coffee too 

I had your choice of drink and some cake like you would, too 

I was quite ok but then I heard your song and in that moment I could have cried 

I look around this shop and I’m hit with memories 

Which is strange as we’ve never been here 

You hated shops but would have liked this one 

Lots of aisles but very quiet

It reminds me of the trips we had getting garden furniture 

Or the times we went crazy for Xmas dinner 

All those moments and conversations

Getting excited by buying for our houses 

New towels and supplements 

Shower gels and deodrants

It feels surreal that we are at this junction 

That it collided and ended all of a sudden 

It actually hurts to think of life without you 

But I know that it’s started and that’s the way it’s become 

I would always have you to answer my questions to give me guidance and advice and patience 

But with that no more it feels quite lonely 

Dying our hair and choosing the dinners 

Diets and adulting 

It was so fun 

The early days the best 

The memories flow by and tears fall down 

Because I know that was over for a long time

We became tired and same old 

We struggled to find smiles in the queues

We avoided time out at all costs 

Stayed in and had it delivered was the decision we lived with 

It took away the excitement of buying 

Of being together and coupling 

For the chats about plans and our future 

Became silent and left with barely a mutter 

The laughing and flirting became Netflix and chill

The gaming took over our time at will

It became the new normal and harder to find the path back 

For the more we carried on the more we forgot

The dates flew by and the passion went stale 

The passion for us and creating our fairytale

Instead it was screens of distraction 

Followed by grief and horrific diagnosis 

The treatment took away the dignity 

The pain took away the fancy 

So I sit here and remember all of the fun 

The absolute complete that I had felt 

That we created a home from a white walled building 

To have a house with boxes and bags in 

The life and soul had left the party 

It had left behind a white noise so nasty

That it left us hurt and scared and lonely

And with nothing more than the thoughts that I type now

The cuddles and comfort are no longer 

The sale of our house is ever nearer 

The rings are in boxes away from the sunshine 

And our love ended 

There’s no more to say now 

For the things I never said

When I look back at the series of memories that fall into my lap 

I see the tears that I had hidden 

I see the sadness in my eyes as you explained why you had lied to me about something to do with this or that 

I see me struggling to accept the door that you continually shut in front of me 

As I put a glass to the door forcing my ears to hear 

Pick up any sound it could muster 

Only to not understand the noises 

To be unable to create the words you both muttered 

To be left out of your important conversations hurt 

I will never forget the torment and confusion you caused me that day I came back home 

To see my personal battles all strewn out on the floor 

And to listen to your disturbed disgusted voice and tone belittle me in my place 

You had been through my things, my personal struggles and written encounters with the confusion and isolation my sexuality had created 

That feeling of not knowing the language I spoke 

To find yourself scrawling out messy words

But for you to just mock me 

To find myself having to apologise for what and who I was 

The girl I had been 

Was the most cruelest example I can remember and one I hate to remember at all 

What did I think I was doing 

Did I think that letting you drag your nails through my past, and look down at me for the words I’d muttered into pages 

Times of my life that I needed to understand 

And by finding courage in either typing or writing 

For you to put me down like that 

No forgiveness will ever reach me for that 

Poor young girl 

Poor young girl looking for guidance and direction from the damaged lot 

From the absent, from the hollow soul of others 

I can see her now 

I can see her on her knees 

Piling up the most innocent, yet tragically honest words into a carrier bag, ready for the rubbish  

Apologising for being who she was 

Crying and begging you to stay with her, be with her

Early days but such painful times 

Such hard realities to revisit 

Red flags were not a thing back then 

We never used those terms 

We didn’t see the beacon of light flashing as we made the mistakes 

Blinding us until our eyes were streaming from the light 

And I don’t blame myself now 

I don’t hold a grudge 

I accept the naivety and the innocence and the trust that I went into all that with 

It may have been dark but I thought my torch would light the way 

I didn’t see the walls around me as I focused on the floor 

The written warnings all around me 

Of people before me 

I didn’t see the tell-tale signs of difference and non compatibility 

I just saw the rocks and stones and stained floors 

I trusted the love bombing 

I trusted the guide 

She convinced me 

She made me believe 

Believe in the unproven non-real world 

The doomed fairytale 

But that doesn’t mean I feel nothing 

No that would be me lying 

For that may have been the start but it wasn’t the middle 

And we approached so many hurdles and helped eachother through the hardest level of assault course I’d ever experienced 

We did that 

But in the end 

Our truth was reignited 

Our days were numbered 

Our time had ended 

For all the things I never said 

I carry no regret 

I see lessons learned 

And a second chance 

A second chance to go out there and try again 

Try again