I don't fit like I used to

I thought I had lost you
all bundled up together and sealed with regret
went on a mission for 10 years
and then boom... least expect it and you were found
I read the words you wrote to me
how you felt for me and it hurts
but it hurts for the good
it was nice to know I was wanted so much
loved so much
needed, liked, adored

I thought I had lost you
your face had become blurred
you were in dreams now and then but blurred
now I had you
the seal had been broken 
there was no longer a feeling of regret
I didn't miss you
I had just forgotten
been so many places since
it felt weird to know you had ever happened
but you had
you were a big deal back in the day
now you are just a face, and words wrapped up in past
in a drawer in my bedroom
I thought I had lost you
I had.. I have
you no longer mean what you did....

Nothing does.

When one door closes, a window opens... it's time to climb through it

and if I told you it didn't hurt, I'd be lying
I would be just as bad as the others
If I just carried on hiding my feelings.. like they do

Truth is I am sad, saddened by the departure, saddened for the end
I know I was not the same person for a long time but I was at least a person
I had a reason to wake up
but I was changing and I didn't want to
I like the person I am and I didn't want to lose that

I tell you because I want someone to read the way I feel
I want you to remember why I left
I was losing myself
I wasn't as sensitive or as funny as I am
I barely let a smile slip from the fixed blank expression during my day
I came home exhausted from the sadness and utter dismay at being this way
I worked too hard at the gym I have damaged my body
I had rows over nothing and was becoming more and more detached

I wanted to be the girl who was happy, had it all
the house the family the friends and the job that wrapped me up in a smile
but it wasn't happening

I left, I walked out the door and I drank with these people who would miss me
I listened to them talk about the escapades of the place we were linked through and I felt upset that I would no longer be a part
but I can't fix on this
I couldn't be me
I couldn't be happy
I did it all for the right reasons 
and when that thought creeps up on me and tries to tell me different
I must remember this 
the truth
the way I feel

now I am free
looking for a fresh new start
a new place with new people and the chance to keep my smile fixed
and to remove this blank canvas

a toast, to my future
it starts now

snip

Talking to the wall again
its nodding its head again
its telling me to carry on cuz eventually theyll miss me

B Road

(not a reflection of my mood today - it is my 27th bday today and I am feeling great)


The room seemed empty now that the furniture was taken away 
the walls had the markings of our lives from the days that had gone 
pictures were piled high in boxes of our faces, from childhood to now
the time seemed to be such a small space - but years had been fitted in
neither of us had any words 
we all just kind of sat around wondering what to do 
overwhelmed with our own feelings
bursting with tears
it was a sad day
countless years spent growing and developing in such a castle of a surround
now just seemed so bare, empty and pretty dead
I walked to my old room - the box I had shut myself off to so often as a teenager
I heard the voices, the laughing, the crying, the slamming of doors, 
I remembered the hangovers and parties and birthdays and deaths
all just boxed up tight, gaffa taped shut
boxed high and above our wildest dreams
the garden became silent, the silence was deafening
no TV, no family table, no pets running around making a mockery, no hoover, no music, no showers or internet wires, no candles, or paintings or pictures of weddings, no ironing, no flowers, no bustling lives crashing in the morning, no rushing to work, no waking up late, no going to school, no window cleaner, or next door neighbour, or hangover cure, 
just a shell, the soul has ejected, the lives not forgotten just removed, the markings on the walls, the remembering it all, the trying so hard not to fight it
for we have to leave it, our key we should put down, the moments all brimming up in our faces, the excitement for new but upset for leaving behind the things we did love.
I shall still use the gym and I shall still walk past the place that I grew up to be 
the person I am now, shall lift up my head and full of strength, shall depart

Not much else to say but to close with this thought that all of these things eventually shall end
but I shan't forget, I shall always remember the little girl running up those stairs, choosing that room, and loving it
looking out of the window at what I thought was the whole world, 
it is funny cuz the other day, I sat just looking out like I used to and I realised what I had once thought was soo big... is not really... 

Thank you for reading. 

1995- 2014