PGE written 7/10/16 unposted

But she didn't know
She didn't know how my heart beat
She didn't know how beautiful she was
She didn't know that every morning I woke up next to her, how lucky I really felt
She didn't know how her smile could fix the darkest day and how her touch could heal my pain
She didn't know.

She didn't know how much she has changed my life
Or how meeting her blew my mind
How clever she is
How proud she should feel
She didn't know how strong she really is inside
She doesn't know
She tries to but she doesn't get close
She barely scratches the surface on my feelings for her

I'm lay here next to her
She is sleeping
She doesn't know how much I love her
Or how much I care
She doesn't know how I intend to love her for the rest of my life
She doesn't hear the truth in my heart beat
The pain that cuts me when she cries
The tears that fall when she's unhappy with her body
The true hurt in my soul as I hear her cry

I will tell you that I love her
I will tell you that she is most beautifully sensitive and sweet natured person I have ever met
I will tell you that her voice woke me up the first time we spoke.. woke me from the mundanity of my existence
Her spirit is alive and it's stronger than she thinks
Her body is the epitomy of perfect
She is my life and my heart
And one day I dream of her being my wife
But she didn't know this
She doesn't know it
But maybe after seeing it written, she will

28/11/15 unposted

close the door, shut the curtains before they see
it has been a long day and if you are not careful you will show how you feel
retreat into the comfort of lost television and noise
switch it off again - not now - this can wait

as the days become weeks, this feeling at the pit of your stomach is just growing painful
it is getting harder to deal with
you are feeling like at any moment you could lose it
at night you cant sleep
it just keeps waking you, if not from the pain but from the dreams that drown you

i guess everybody has this.. this feeling of ignoring things
of struggling with the lack of time

Little Moment of Reasoning

Look at it outside
The world that just fleet by in its urgency
The beautiful countrysides swaying in the winds
The birds singing a song and the sun pushing itself higher than any one has ever been able to reach

Look at it

Walk down the streets that surround your own world
breathe in deep the air that encompasses us all
watch the people around you getting on with there lives
all with a purpose, all with a dream
be silent, be quieter as you walk and you will see it all
witness the happiness in peoples faces as they laugh at jokes or the sadness in the eyes of passers by and hold on tight as this is a ride
a ride of life

When you can, at night pop out
take a stroll and take a moment
leave behind your phones and devices and just be utterly at one with your mind
find a bench and sit down
try your best to slow down
slow down with it all
tell yourself to stop rushing
life will happen as it should
remember those moments
watch them happen
realise they are happening and act on them
don't be so involved in elsewhere
fill yourself with the now, and stop trying so hard to find the futures in the years
be content
if you are not, then ask yourself what it is that is missing, and go and get it
not at this moment but another time
plan it in


Look at it, your life
and make it grow into what ever you want it to
nurture it and give it time, all you desire will present itself
just as a child, your dreams will come true
I promise

Future Gains

I need to find my path
the ground is trashed
I cant see in the dark
I keep falling over
knees all bloody
arms scarred
heart feels faint

I expect this time to pass though
I am always a half full glass girl
I will always get back up
no such thing as a lose in my fight
I always win
always succeed
I strive to complete every mission I set myself

This latest mission has left me weaker than ever before
as its a mission from my desire and dreams
the future I have longed for all my life
the ability to teach
to learn and educate myself to a level I am content with
to be a significant role in someone else's life
to be worthy
to be needed
to be loved

I want to be the girl I used to daydream about
the girl I see in the pictures of my childhood
the talent and raw confidence that I etched out over the years of turbulence
the feeling of never being enough will surely fade over time
the feeling will be shifted to a new positive and vibrant person
the person i keep locked away in my pocket
she can only visit me
she never stays
she is stuck in this life of pretense
of sales and targets and bullshit

it doesn't suit me
the clothes don't fit anymore
they never did
it was never my image
never my creation
just the wardrobe got dull
I didnt change with the fashion

No more
its my time now
my time now
my time
Now
I will get it

Thanks for letting me spill this

Bad Dreams

I wont be the last person to say this
but life is hard
I often sit alone at home when the day is just flying past me and I am just paralysed
I am unable to feel or move or even form a sentence and its scary.

The trouble with my sleeping habits has been a long battle
I am so tired from being tired
I often just lie there and think about everything
Don't do it
It opens up every can of worm that ever lived

Scared is something I feel from the dreams when I have finally passed into sleep
I am lost in these mazes of disbelief and fear
I am waking up in moods and I can't control them
I am fighting my own unconscious and its terrifying

Explain a dream, have you ever tried to?
People look at you like something they trod in
They are like they did what?
Chased you, killed you?
Dreams, what a laugh
we go to sleep to relax and yet I am dealing with it all over again

What is this life becoming?
I sit and I watch people walking passed my windows with there existence in tow
Me sat, just staring out
stuck in this rut
Surrounded by a house, I once loved and now? I cant stand it
I hate the sofa that once brought with it a comfort
The windows just let in too much light
the sun, annoys me

Is this negative?
I didn't want it to be
I wanted it to be a report of my current state of mind
the boggled and confused mind that I wake to
The reflection I don't recognise

Depression? Or just weakness
I don't have bad thoughts when in my normal day... much
I just feel so pulled apart
the directions being dragged are endless
my smile is true
but my eyes say worry and panic
I feel like a burden
My life feels like a burden

Dreams can come true

And should the day arise
Grab it
Hold on to it forever
Not everyone has the chance to dream
And then for that dream to become reality
Not everyone has a 2nd chance

If you know that day is coming
Prepare for it
Don't waste the time you have
Make sure you absolutely smash it
You'll only have one shot at these 3 choices and then that'll be it
Another 12 months until the next shot

So as the day arises be positive
Be exactly who you are
Don't be shy
Don't be nervous
Go out there and shine

A promise

Follow me from the richest of towns
Bring nothing with you but your spirit
Believe that I will change your life
You know I can

Look deep within your soul
See the tears that have fallen in your past
Trust in me, know I will give you everything
Everything you have ever wanted
All you'll ever need
I will change your life
Believe in me

Tie a knot in some string and hang it from that finger
Look at my hands as they let go
And a ring falls down on to you
It promises you happiness
An eternity of love
Of a place where your dreams comes true
Believe in me and I'll promise that's what I'll do

My heart has something to say

Sunshine face and succulent skin
Your body is what my dreams portray
I get lost in your eyes
Your voice soothes all my pains
Your past breaks my heart
As mine probably breaks yours

You are my queen
You are all I've ever wanted and more
I miss you when I'm sleeping
My heart floats when we kiss
I can't get enough of this
Our love your love
What is and what's becoming
Close my eyes and see my future and it's all surrounding you
I need you
Now I have found you I can never lose you
I will compete in any fight to keep you
My strength to protect you is unbreakable
Sunshine smile and perfect face
My beautiful girlfriend
My future wife

Mere Mortals

What could they tell us, if we had the time to ask
What wisdom could they instill onto us
for we are just mere mortals in this town too
we might be fresher faced and always moaning
but still mere

What could they tell us about the olden days
you know, about the times that were actually hard
not these days where because a phone is slow we lose our cool
i mean real battles like the wars

I often wonder in my quiet times about the experiences of people
of any person really but just the notion that they also live
they also have really bad days and cant cope
i think long and hard and get myself all worked up

I have some relatives who are no longer here
and I could kick myself for thinking this all too late
For they were sat in there chairs all day with there heads full of memories
I wish I had plucked at them
asked them the questions that mattered
I know as a youngster, I was scared of them
intimidated by there big chairs and big slippers and stern faces
sat silently in the corner with there cups of tea
asking for me to come up to them and receive my present or kiss there cheek
they were not mere mortals to me
they were royalty
I would often stare into the floor incase they asked me a question

What was I scared of?
If i could go back, i would have asked them, what there favourite subject in school was? There most treasured recipe? What it felt like when they fell in love?
What it was like being older?
What they believed life was all about?

What could they tell us, if we had the time to ask
What wisdom could they instill onto us
for we are just mere mortals in this town too
we might be fresher faced and always moaning
but still mere

And What Is....

and what is the ending
is it the last breath
the last beat in our heart
or is it a life without love
is it that moment in which you have nobody and nothing
and you are just walking around in this life empty
what does it mean to have nothing

and what is a career
is it an income on your bank statement
is it the hunger for success
or is it making a difference
can you encompass them all
wrap them up together and pop on a bow

and what is love
is it that overwhelming bliss in your heart
that feeling of complete perfection
the thinking of and dreaming of the future
the understanding between two people
the trust between two people
the link that is seamless and unable to be tampered with
the bond
the knowledge
the puzzle that is now complete
the living together and sleeping together

and what is this life
is it just the most random experience
whereby nothing is impossible
where everything is for the taking if you want it
where hard work is reaped with reward
that if you fall you can hurt yourself
that if you sleep you can dream
the continuous learning and achieving
getting that brain absorbed in knowledge
having memories and remembering them
making mistakes and learning lessons

P

Fast goes the days as your time counts down
Place a hand on your chest
Can you hear your time running out?
Does it scare you?
Does it worry you?
Is your life all what you dreamed of?

I walk into a room, and I pick up a childhood picture
I look deeply into the eyes looking back at me
Would she be happy? Is she proud of what I've become?

Is my life something that can be measured with achievement?

What's next? Where do I go next?
No book tells me, only hints at listening to my own head and heart.. but is that enough?
Are other people also in this mindset?
Can this love I have save me?
Save me more than it already has?

I mean in all honesty this love has blown me away
Taken all my fears and squashed them
I have broken out of the cage I was so clearly stuck in
My trust has been awoken and has flourished
I feel invincible most days just from the reeling in my heart
The beat feels different
Happier and more consistent
The voice she has speaks to my soul
I feel like I could fly
Is this the beginning?
It seems to become more and more each day
Each morning I wake I am so happy to be lying next to her
She is my everything
Will my career go this way?

Is this what I have been waiting for all of my life?
Holding out for her
The love of my existence
Yes
Yes, it's as simple as that.
Thank you P
Thank you from the bottom of my heart

Modern day lives

I'm here
I'm right here and you haven't even seen me
Is this life now? Don't enter the location and lose your friends?
They don't recognise me you see
I've been busy
I've been living and sunning and loving and they have been waiting
Waiting for our meet up
I sit down, I'm exhausted, work have me on this project and my brain is in overdrive
I'm sat there drink in one hand, phone in the other
Chatting out my excitement of life, of love, how I'm engaged and it's so right
How well the house is coming on and how happy life is making me
They, well they just sit there
It's like they have only just seen me arrive
There minds are lost back three blocks in some other town, trying to catch up on my route
The hours fly and I'm tired
They have said nothing
Not a mutter
Not a sigh or ounce of recognition
Waitress comes
Bills paid
Tips on the table in the metal plate
I'm up and out
Coat on
Bag and phone
I've left
What was that?
Is that life in 2016?
Is that a friendship?

Lectures about life

The time will stand still
Enough is enough
Your heart will erupt
To everyone's shock
Not a word will calm the storm which has brewed
For you have had enough and you can't shield your eyes
The tears are like acid as they sting down your face
The skin is like filo as it's scratched from the haste
Not a person can save you, it has reached every brim
The story got evil and got drenched in your sins
I won't scare you now though
As the sun has come out
Just know I feel pain too and sometimes I can't cope
Not a hug nor a kind word can fix the pain I feel
But your face it can heal overtime all I pushed through

Chelsea Rent Boy

I see his face
caught in the night
our eyes lock for that one moment
for that moment, I am paralysed

See, to anyone else he is a just a person
but to me, I see the pain
I see the hurt straining in his eyes
I see the help in his expression
I know this isn't the life he wants

I am helpless
He is lost

I turn away, when I look back
he is gone

Soppy Thoughts on a Easter Sunday

Catch me as I fall out of the sky on nothing but my heart strings
I want you to see the height I have climbed
look at how much I have changed

See me as I grow through my life and find the love I have always wanted
the love that set me free
the love that wraps me up in cotton wool
the love that became my shadow
the shadow I wont live without, cant live without
the love I found and the love I have now

See my smile, see how deep it goes
see the love in my eyes, the glaze over
the heart, watch it beat out of time as I see her
See how I talk about her
Watch me as I speak
Hear my voice, listen to the words I say

Best time of my life, This is the best time I have ever had
I document it to remember it
remember when my life changed
when the sky became blue
when the sun never went down


The voice she has speaks to my soul
it controls me
I need her, want her, love her
Everyday
All day
Any time
For all of my life.

a room with a door, and an ear

shut the door
you could be here a while and the cold is getting in
take a seat and just remain there for a moment
whilst we prepare

when they ask the questions answer them honestly
you have nothing to hide in here and they will know if you lie
sit and story tell, tell them of all the moments you'd had enough
had enough, and been pushed to breaking point
struggled with your existence and on occasion, tried to take it away
tell them of the happiness and the times your heart leaped from your chest with the love
tell them of despair, of the first funeral you went to, of the first time you failed something
when the class were bullies, when the teachers didn't take the time
when you hid, when you were scared, when you cried until it hurt
when you felt sick, and were sick, and witnessed sick events
pour it out
watch them sit in silence
stunned to the core
aching for you
don't stop though
don't say you've gone too far
there is no too far in this room
the room will let you say it all
the guilt you felt as a child when you did bad things
the guilt you felt as a teenager and the lies you regret

don't be wrong though
this is not a therapy, this is a way to commit to your truth
this is a way to seek forgiveness from nobody but yourself
as you type this and think back to years before you felt regret
deep embedded regrets for the lack of confidence in your own being
the complete anger you feel towards yourself because you couldn't stand up to yourself
you would see it in your eyes and feel it on your lips but you did nothing
you just sat and watched the lie manifest into a life and it became too big
the life became a darkness that you carried in to your everyday
it became the nightmares in your sleep
it became the shadows under your eyes
it became the tears, it became the disgust as you put yourself through the things that you hated
it became the dirty secret
it consumed you
take a breath, take it in deep, calm yourself, sit back down you are scaring the room
you need to remember that it is ok now, its too late but the time has gone
you cant do a thing to change the been
you can only mould the now, and dream for the future
let it go now, stop holding on to it
stop reminding yourself as its ok, it doesn't matter any more
it has been
sign this off with a closure
a real deep heart felt closure
hang up the coat of past and shut it in the room down at the bottom of the stairs
leave it there until another time
another life time
you cant change it so don't waste any more time on it
stand up, thank them for there time and leave the room
close the door behind you
you will let the cold in

Our town, our secrets

Stumble on down to the town
Meet me at our place
Bring the secret with you
I will be on time
Like I always am and you, you will be late as you always are
We will be excited and nervous and sneaky in our appearance

This has been our game since our younger years
And we always enjoy it
No one ever knows it and we keep it that way

The town is full of love tonight
The laughter can be heard from the hill tops
Everyone is happy and it shows
We have never left this place
And we vow we never will
Some things just can't be changed
Shouldn't be changed
Won't be changed

Twists and turbulence

Should they ask who I am
Tell them who I was
Tell them back in the day I mattered
If the name rings a bell
Tell them I'm swell tell them I've moved on and I'm happy
Don't tell them of the sadness
Or of the confused thoughts
Or of the lost in the darkness
Tell them I'm strong and able and free
And how I have bettered myself

I lie in my bed at night
And the whole world just spirals
I feel sick with the movement of woes
I can't see past it
And I'm scared for my future

I try everso to keep up
Keep my smiles strong
Keep my head held high
Ignore the bad words
The vile vibes
the people who don't matter
It's tough
It drains
I'm tired
Turn out the light
Let me rest
Just for a moment
Let me close my eyes and float away

A quiet message for a special person

And when you've said all you can
And when your face is blue
And when the tears sting the skin as they fall
Don't back track
Don't tell them you went too far
Don't tell them you lied
Stay true
Open up
Spill out your heart and mind onto the floor
Let them say it's too much
Let them reach for a broom to brush it under that tired rug
Let them try
Let them struggle
Let them feel your pain
Let them see into your life and your heart
Let them understand
Don't let it go
Don't give up on yourself
Grab hold
Change it
Tell them and improve
Look together at the ruins of your past and decide on a plan
A plan to move on
A plan to be better
Whatever it takes
Whatever it takes
One life
Do whatever it takes

True soul mates

And when you've found it
Hold it
Remember this is special and try your best not to let go
This isn't a dummy run, this is the run and if you fuck up well then you're out
Jus keep holding it however weighted,  even the arguments just keep going
And when you're crying and you're helpless keep the trail on, don't give in

You'll have those convos
About how lucky
And how completed you both now feel
And it's not practise this is real time and this is your time so go out and live it
And if the money's tight and the plans are big, just work together and make a dream
It will work out because it's meant to, because there's 50/50 and life gets done

All I know now, is that I love her and forever that will be true
It is a risk to put it on the table but I feel it's worth it so off I go

Matter of fact

I drove home
The street lights paved out the life ahead and the rain had started to come down
England for you
Wet and windy was how we rolled
I pulled up outside my house
Turned off the Annie Mac mega mix and just sat there
It was raining hard and I hadn't got my coat
So here I am typing out drivel into a phone as the rain covers the street
Cleansing away the day
Oh what a day
Full of creativity and warmth
Such a great day

Lost loves

Have you ever seen pain?
I don't mean physical I mean emotional
The complete paralysis
the inability to form a sentence or continue with life
The absolute devastation
the overwhelming loss
Have you?

Have you ever felt so intoxicated in hurt that you can barely stand up straight
The weight of the world isn't heavy enough
You force a reaction just to release
Just to mock a let go illusion

When you have.... go with it
Sink so deep you get lost in the dark
Let the walls close in on you and swallow you up
Let yourself grieve
Grieve so much you forget how you were before
Just lose yourself
Accept this is normal
For now and this is necessary
It is necessary for growth
It is necessary for closure
It will prevent you wasting time
Trust me
Believe me
Have you ever seen the pain?

Talking to a younger self

Don't let them stop you
Just because the gate is closed doesn't mean you can't go in
We have all experienced life's dramas and this my friend is just the beginning
I'm sorry I know that isn't what you want to hear but I have to be honest with you
Life is full of drama
It really teaches you to enjoy each day
And unfortunately this lesson only comes late in life.

No one is perfect and I'm sorry to be the bearer of news on this too
We are all existing in a world full of ideals
And people who will consistently knock you down to use you as a step
This again is a mid twenties lesson and we aren't allowed to see this too early either

What do old people say?
When there lives are coming to the end
They say live more, worry less
Take risks
Love for nobody but yourself
Love who you love and be happy with it
We aren't packaged people
We have our own ideas and opinions
We will always make our own choices

Don't let them stop you
Just because the gate is closed, doesn't mean you can't open it and run down the hill shouting 'I'm free' at the top of your lungs
For our lives are short when you look at the bigger picture
And we all deserve to leave a splash behind in the sea of existence
And maybe even enjoy our time
Who knows

My name

As you sit there uncomfortable in your own skin
Our names are called out
We all sit there nervously awaiting our decisions and try not to make eye contact
The room becomes a vacuum and I find it hard to breathe in
the rain is coming down so hard outside, like it's angry with the world today, today of all days
One by one the seats empty
The room becomes bare once more
And the off white walls become blinding
Not a shuffle
Don't even cough
Just stare hard into the carpet like you are having a staring contest
Don't even breathe loudly
Shit
I know it's my turn next
I can't relax
My heart is beating so fast I'm drowning on the blood in my veins
I can't calm down
Counting to 10 so fast, I don't hear any number I've said to myself
Shit
My name has been called
No backing out now