Age

When you are younger no one ever tells you about this feeling
When you are growing up life is all about school and uniforms and packed lunches, running for a bus or getting a lift with your full time hours Mum, dropping us all in on her way to work.
Coming home for dinner before your Dad has even finished his day
Seeing him as you get ready for bed.
Weekends filled with films and playing in your rooms and homework and house chores.
Swings and Park walks
Pocket money and hobbies and guitar lessons and maths tuition
Time was timeless
Birthdays were special and your age was on the cake in lights that filled your heart full and heavy with excitement
Friends stayed over or bounced in castles in the garden.
Cake and games and sweets and belly ache
Love surrounded everything
You didn't want to go to bed and you could never get up
Breakfast laid out in the kitchen
Mug of tea and cereal
Packed lunch prepared and ready for the day of learning
Nothing at all to fear
Other than the nightmares that stalked my nights some times due to past experiences returning in the darkness and the shadows
Christmas day was always special and magical
Excited so much I would shake
I couldn't contain my joy
Family all around
Best clothes laid out to see grandparents and aunties and uncles
New tights and shoes
Gloves and coats
Duffel coats - my favourite
Age was an exciting experience
Every year counting up by the years, months and weeks
Wanting to get older and older
Now in my thirties, age is ageless
I no longer feel in sync
Life has carried on ticking by, faster than it ever did
The mirror has changed
Gotten older, the spark is there but sometimes seems hidden
Got to look a little harder some days

Grief and rounds

Should we make a promise
Should we make it real
Let us stand around this pole and act like it's something
Start chanting their name
Or crying at will
Just make it all a craze
Don't stop the train for them
For they never wanted to leave
Don't say its our stop now
Too much has happened
We can't go backwards
We can't erase the pictures
Take them away like they never existed
Bleach them
Remove the colours
Take out the outline
Smudge it all out
Remove the smiles
Turn them into frowns if you want to
Take away the scenery
Cover it up with coal
With soot and sleet
Nothing exists anymore
The cold cuts deep these days
The cold wades in before you've even taken a breath
You can't cover up enough
No clothing will do
We are all just walking around with shivers
They are covering our every move
We can't cope anymore
We don't want to
Don't ever say you will
Just say you'll try
Do all you can to be there but never swear it
Never use a person's name in vain or oath
Not unless you solemnly swear
And by that we mean all of you
All of your nerves
All of your being
All that you are
All that you dream to be
Every morsel
Everything
Souls will combine
We will all clash one day
Like a huge pile up
A huge pile up of smiles and laughter
The rooms will be flooded with joy
You won't ever make it to the bar to buy a round
But a drink will be waiting
I promise you that
This is a cheers to the future and to that after life

A few kind words

Today I felt sad
I was playing music and remembering the young times
The times as a child
Sitting in the back seat with my brother and sister
The music playing loudly
Knowing the words
It was his music
His songs
He was letting us into his teenage/early adulthood life
He was making us understand
The lyrics were blazed but the songs meant unity
We would look forward to hearing more
First it was queen, it was the eels, it was nick Drake, twin peaks, and the French man whose name has left me

Any night since I am snapped straight back
Those few starting notes throw me
I am a child again
The songs are singing loud in my head
I can never forget and honestly I never want to

My parents have always been wrapped up in music,
Bowie, REM, Gabrielle, Abba etc etc
Just moments and stop gaps and memories

This morning a song was played
It was both Bowie and Queen
Mum and Dad
It felt different today
It made me feel happy but sad
I was scared for what will be, one day
I had realised finally that I was no longer a child
I was no longer young
I am an adult
But I will always remember dance lessons and holidays and panto at Christmas
Of singing the words and making up dances
Of being the middle child of three
In the back seat of a family sized car
Going somewhere
With a family who have been there through everything
Irreplaceable
World class people
Who I love dearly
And eternally

Abandoned

What is left in the abandoned
What can you see
From the walls rotting
To the windows broken
What is left in the abandoned
What did it used to be
Such a beautiful building
Full of warmth, smiles and delight
Now it is a shell of its former self
Now it has no sign
Now its just a what was
Now its not even a thing

No one takes much notice
Driving passed its shell
No one ponders what it was
It's just stood tall looking worn
It needs to be renovated
It needs to be pulled down
It needs to disappear
And stop being such an eye sore
The attachment is no more
The people who knew it have left
The memories that lingered have died
The smell of the offices has gone
It's just damp, rotten and empty
No conversation can be heard anymore
No life has been seen inside
No one can turn the clock back
The lunch breaks with people has deafened us
The environment and atmosphere is white noise
Nothing can be remembered
The building stands waiting
Waiting for its future
Waiting for its fate
Years go by
The windows are broken
The walls are ruined
Eventually it's ending will appear
The council will arrive
Bulldozer in tow
It will be ripped down
Dragged with force against its might
The bricks will crumble and fall from such height
It will be a broken mess
A pile of rubble and has been
Nothing more than a mess
A large mass of mess
That once was full of life
Full of vibrancy
Now nothing more than grey nothings

Gone are the days

Gone are the days of outdoor play
Parks and swings and slides and mud
Team games and races and getting grass stains
Fun and adventure and adrenaline
Climbing trees and collecting conkers
Finding daisies and skipping ropes
Dodgeball, football, and parachute
Summer schemes and youth clubs and Sunday schools
Having hobbies that require the outdoors
Playing in the garden with imaginations
Siblings talking at meals on nights out
Story time and bed times before 7 o'clock
Respecting your elders and never swearing
Growing up free and happy and healthy
Gone are the days of dolls and tape players
For technology stole the fantasy
Now it's a plug switched on and a hand held device
Now they stare down and follow the light
Now it's a tantrum over an ipad or tv
Now its a room where they never want to leave
Now it's a new phone like an apple or an orange
Now it's solo and lonely and dull
Now it's knives and guns and stabbings
Now it's a real crime if you have a fall out
Now it ruins lives for ever
Now it fills parents head with terror
Now it's a news story smashing up the headline
Now it's not real life at all
A troll was a toy that had glittery coloured hair
Not a demon behind a keyboard
Not someone out to make life unbearable
But a collectable we all had
Gone are the days of my childhood
I hope it flips back
I hope social media crashes
I hope the apple rots

Sunshine through the window

There we are
Look at us in that faded picture
Where did you find this
It's all dusty and rotten in this album
Forgotten bliss
That's what it is

Remember when we had days full of laughing
When you made me cry with smiles
Almost impossible to recall your laugh
Your smile, your face...

When you are younger no one ever warns us
Never says hang on you know this life
It changes
It fucks up too
You lose what you have
Your friends, family even, looks even
Imagine that
Your favourite jeans
Won't fit you
You won't even like them

That the body you are running in, won't work like it used to
Your bones will crack
You will ache
You will get tired and want to sit down

Don't do this incase you ruin that
Don't speak to them incase you get led astray
Don't try to live your life at godspeed
Don't try and race others

We are not the same
You are different
Different is always good
Fresh
Natural
Be you

Don't waste 20 years trying to be someone else
Don't block yourself out
Take her out
Dance
Let your soul fly
Stop shutting her away
Keeping her prisoner
Keeping her banished in the cellar
Pushing her deeper into the water
Drowning her innocence
Let her fcukin be
Shut out the bullies
Don't wear that victim's suit
Don't let them drag the smile away

So far away you forget to follow it
Lose it for so long
Lose yourself in liquor
Lose yourself in fear
In loathing

Always write
Always release your emotions
Set them free like a dove
Watch them fly high and hold themselves
Confidence is catching
Courage is strong
Belief is real
When you are younger no one warns you
No one tells you life will change
That the routine won't suit you
That the clothes won't fit
That your face will change
The life and times will be drawn upon your expressions and carried forward through your years
Into your late adulthood
Into your retirement
Keep your spark
That little girl always had a spark
Keep it
Hold it
Cherish it
Your eyes show innocence
Your heart shows scars
They glow in the dark
Your body carries stories
Stories entwined in your make up
Encompassed in strength
Be you
Forever

Life can be so trying

Life can be so trying
It can honestly drag you backwards through the worst memories of your life
It can make you visit places and people in your dreams that hurt you.

Life can be so demanding
It can take away your time and replace it with anxiety and worry
You can be sat there quite happily alone in a wonderfully lit sky and day
And then drag you back into your worries
Your concerns of the future
The panic of work arriving when you need it
The concerns and desperation in your voice as you try and rearrange days to suit you
The tears drown your eyes as they say it might not go your way
The life you created might not go your route
You find yourself on paths of uneven roads and you aren't in the right shoes
You are falling and tripping over everything in sight
You are getting cut and bruises are forming
Your patience has worn thin and you are crying now
Alone on this path to nowhere

But I'm telling you that path was always been your route
It was always to be this way
Destiny was already written
You need to take the challenge and see it through
Trust in your ability to create a beautiful future
To find and land upon the career and job of your wildest dreams
Work in an environment that is settling and true
Feel empowered and respected
Work your way to your own goals
Trust in your abilities as a professional
Life has thrown more
You have loved and lost and been afraid
You've had fears arrive in front of your face and happen
You have been broke and you have always made the most
You are not a defeatist
You are powerful and capable
People who have worked with you, they believe in you
They offer to give references on your character
Yes it's hard now
It's been 9 long weeks and it's been really tough
But each day you have greeted the day and you have got through it all
Alone through the day and still existing
Making sure you have the courage
Searching and applying but never giving in
Remember that.
Your inner strength has always been so powerful
On your left wrist sits that tattoo reminding you that you can and you will

So yes, life can be so trying
But that's OK because you are ready and able

Life can be so trying

Life can be so trying
It can honestly drag you backwards through the worst memories of your life
It can make you visit places and people in your dreams that hurt you.

Life can be so demanding
It can take away your time and replace it with anxiety and worry
You can be sat there quite happily alone in a wonderfully lit sky and day
And then drag you back into your worries
Your concerns of the future
The panic of work arriving when you need it
The concerns and desperation in your voice as you try and rearrange days to suit you
The tears drown your eyes as they say it might not go your way
The life you created might not go your route
You find yourself on paths of uneven roads and you aren't in the right shoes
You are falling and tripping over everything in sight
You are getting cut and bruises are forming
Your patience has worn thin and you are crying now
Alone on this path to nowhere

But I'm telling you that path was always your route
It was always to be this way
Destiny was already written
You need to take the challenge and see it through
Trust in your ability to create a beautiful future
To find and land upon the career and job of your wildest dreams
Work in an environment that is settling and true
Feel empowered and respected
Work your way to your own goals
Trust in your abilities as a professional
Life has thrown more
You have loved and lost and been afraid
You've had fears arrive in front of your face and happen
You have been broke and you have always made the most
You are not a defeatist
You are powerful and capable
People who have worked with you, they believe in you
They offer to give references on your character
Yes it's hard now
It's been 9 long weeks and it's been really tough
But each day you have greeted the day and you have got through it all
Alone through the day and still existing
Making sure you have the courage
Searching and applying but never giving in
Remember that.
Your inner strength has always been so powerful
On your left wrist sits that tattoo reminding you that you can and you will

So yes, life can be so trying
But that's OK because you are ready and able

Rabble and cocktails

Should there be a moment
A time to stop and think
A time to really understand the situation
Does life even give you that these days
It's like everyday is on a countdown
No one seems to stop and see what's happening

Should we call it quits
Tell everyone it's over and let it all fall away
That way the commentators will find another drama to haunt
Leave us to clear up the party and move on

For parties are a thing to discuss
You can spend hours planning one
Weeks even
Go into the whole detail
The food the drinks the people
Decorations and themes
People showing up excited and full of the birds of spring
The music is played and the drinks flow and the people chat and dance
The conversation becomes deeper as the night continues
The drinks become anchors or confidence for some
You see those shy become louder and able to talk to their 3 year crush
The conversations are steeped in emotion and it can become really quite deep and necessary for many to offload the weeks shit they have carried
Empty the rucksack on their back of all the shit they are carrying and dealing and hating and not needing
Search for closure in a gin and tonic
Hope it brings the answers the mundane 9-5 doesn't
Trust in the stranger who now knows more than their closest friends
The stranger who brings the shoulder and doesn't let them down
The stranger who sits and listens with a patient ear and concerned wisdom filled voice

Then the day dawns in
The sun is coming up and the garden seems full of voice and need
The taxis are ordered and the garden looks like a bomb site with all the drinks and left food plates
The host clears as she goes with a bin bag. Checks in on her guests and keeps the evening rolling
The drinks are empty
The bins are full
Some guests leave lighter than they arrived
They have closure and happiness
They await a hangover and prepare with water and paracetamol
The party was a success
New friendships are formed
Love blossoms

Unforgettable but meaningful and something that will last in the memories of those who attended for weeks and months to come.

Some days

Some days
Some days just throw you hard to the ground
Your whole body just becomes numb as you smash to the floor
Your arms get cuts and the bruises begin to form
You are in pain

Some days just come from nowhere
Absolute bitches of a day
No sorry no explanation
Just at your bed when you wake
Looking at you as you get on with your business
Talking to you in your ear
Lowered voice
You don't recognise them

Some days are just unworthy
People look at you with their disgust in your existence
You can almost hear their thoughts
They want to know who you are and what you want from them
They look at you like you have taken something of theirs
Slept in their bed or stolen their food from their plate
The type of people who are probably battling with karma on a daily

Some days are just too much effort to even wake for
Sometimes I genuinely don't know what drags me up
What pulls me forcefully from the sheets of avoidance

Some days are brilliant
Some days throw me with love and desire
I can't get enough
I never want the day to end

Some days
Life is ongoing
Life is tough
Life hurts
Life makes you choose directions
Life provides opportunities
Life doesn't say please and doesn't ask for permission
It just throws shapes
Shapes of weapons
Guns knives and hearts

It's all too much
It's all too little

Some days
Everyday and never

Battle life

Should I be broken
Should I give up
Is that what they want
Would that make them happy
Would that give them self worth

Is this all just child's play
Playing that game
Knowing that in the end somebody always gets burned
Somebody always gets hurt

For I finished games a long time ago
I grew up
Probably older than my years but that was my choice
My path my opportunity
I grew roots and I maintained my foundation
I didn't pick it out the ground
Rip it up through my fingers and throw it away
I kept my roots and I maintained my stance
Even in this weather
This turbulent time has tested me
It's pushed my roots with such force
The wind has ruined my flowers
But I have not given up
I've tried to but I've been reminded of my path
My growth
My experiences
I won't let them win

Should I be broken
Should I give up
Is that what they want

Oh well
Not their life
This is mine
I will withstand any fire
Any storm that brews
Even if I'm left as nothing but a stalk with deep roots digging deep and holding themselves up
I will remain
I will not give in
This battle is not over

Mood today

Today was hard
Seeing someone who knew me before
And seeing me now
I had changed
He said I was anxious
I felt it too
On edge
Unrelaxed
It made me miss me
The old me
The always me
It ended better
But to start it was shit
And I'm gutted that's the case

What do you know

You aren't me
You have no idea how this feels
I can't even make sense of it
In the mornings, I feel empty
I am always so tired and i think if it wasn't for P, id most likely spend the day in bed.
The days have fallen into one long never-ending sequence of events, of which most mean nothing
I feel good when I'm numb, and so busy because the thoughts quieten down and I can think

I'm so scared this is happening and worried i won't shake it.
I am impatient with its stay as it's been so long
The place which created it all presents flashbacks
Vile feelings hit my stomach and dread starts falling in
The room has no windows, yet water keeps on pouring
Thick and fast
It's creeping up my body, covering my arms
Pain is drenching my arms now and I'm frozen still
With fear and control from this place overwhelming
I can barely get my breath before my nose is also under water
I'm drowning and they won't stop
They are just unthreading me a layer at a time
All my hard work since my early 20s is being unravelled before me
I pass out
My heart is beating so fast  I'm surprised it's not burst through my chest
And then I wake up
I'm not dreaming
Not really
It's just showing its persistence and how it can get me in my unconscious
I'm away from that place
But it can  still affect me
I'm not winning  this fight
I'm struggling to find the energy
Not when my mind is being put through so much at night in my dreams and again as I wake

I'm reaching out  though
I'm not giving up yet
I'm still trying
Still believing
But  it's not easy
It's the weakest I've ever felt to be honest...

Stand up and be counted

It's the worst thing ever when it happens
That moment when you think hang on a moment
I have lost myself
The reflection has changed
No one could have prevented it as at the end of the day life makes you who you are
I didn't see it happening but I did start to feel different
Like the person I was, was drowning
She had given up
Her courage was dying
She had become accepting of the treatment
She even began to agree with them

When I was growing up I was always strong and assertive
I was never pushed or weakened
My siblings could rely on me
I always had their back
Always stood up for the right
For the morally right

I'm so saddened I've been dampened
That my spirit is stuck in clouds
But I know I can get her back
She is worth so much more
I am capable of fixing this
I won't be subject to this

I've seen the damage now
I know it's enough now

My Nan's saying :

Don't let the basterds grind you down

Stand up and be counted

It's the worst thing ever when it happens
That moment when you think hang on a moment
I have lost myself
The reflection has changed
No one could have prevented it as at the end of the day life makes you who you are
I didn't see it happening but I did start to feel different
Like the person I was, was drowning
She had given up
Her courage was dying
She had become accepting of the treatment
She even began to stick up for herself

When I was growing up I was always strong and assertive
I was never pushed or weakened
My siblings could rely on me
I always had their back
Always stood up for the right
For the morally right

I'm so saddened I've been dampened
That my spirit is stuck in clouds
But I know I can get her back
She is worth so much more
I am capable of fixing this
I won't be subject to this

I've seen the damage now
I know it's enough now

My Nan's saying :

Don't let the basterds grind you down

Skidaddle

Where did you go
Not as much as a good bye
Just a silence that was so deafening
Not a message of thanks or an explanation
Not a final comment
No closure was provided
Years had gone by
The face in my memory was fading
Your laugh was not remembered
You were like a figment
Like something which had never happened
Not really
The memories so old they felt like a different time
A different existence
When I wasn't me
When I was somebody else
Someone I don't remember
I don't remember anything

Some people do that
No word
No clues
Not even a reply on some dumb ass app

Your loss
Your issues
No longer on my radar
Clear head
That has been removed from my chest
Nothing more than a documentation of my thoughts as they happen
When my mind is quiet and I think omg yes, where are they?

One lady one meal

Tonight I saw innocence
A lady on her own
Eating a meal
It made me emotional
I wasn't pitying her
I just saw strength
To know people were able to deal
She left her plate perfectly
I admire her
People like that make me feel happy

Hit me like a...

Hit me like a brick
Like one out of our garden
That's been laid newly
The one which makes us smile

Hit me like the rays
Up high in that blue surrounding
That encasement of beauty
That brought me to you

Hit me like a dizzy spell
Like the one which gets me now and then
When I'm sat with you
Or walking next to you

I am so lucky
That's what hit me
That's what sank on in deep below the skin
That's what made me halt full stop
In the middle of the street
Holding up strangers hurrying past me
That's what happened

Like a lightning bolt
No warning
The weather man had got it wrong
Like they do
Always do, have you noticed how much so?

Not that the weather would have stopped us
It was glorious on our day though
You couldnt of asked for more
Not even more sun
Even during the vows
When it was trickling down from the beautiful roof of our existence
I welcomed it with a smile
We were holding hands
It calmed us down
It relaxed us
The rain can do that sometimes
But only if it's slight
None of this rain fall shite

I digress
What hit me more so was this
I was walking passed the shops
No music, just me, my heart and my mind working overtime
On route for a new Starbucks concoction
Nothing major
I could feel the wedding band around my finger
I felt it and I could feel two
Two rings
A commitment that held on to me every day
In every way
Not just the heart strings or my racing pulse but my finger
My mind, all entwined
Tightly wrapped up
Secure and wanted
And needed and most of all loved
Loved enough to make a difference
Enough to commit ourselves forever
As one
Together we conquered each other
We both won
Life with our soul twin
Our lover
Our wife

Bliss

Take me back to the day when I genuinely thought I would experience life as one
Take me back to a time I thought I could never move on
Where I felt all I'd ever had, had been

Life has been all I ever wished for
Secretly in my thoughts
I always believed I would meet my soul mate
Meet the woman to make living more worthy
To make my days exciting
Make the memories meaningful
Make the fears soften

Someone who would make my smile real
Give me smile lines
Take away the hard exterior
The clown face
The real me would eventually be the only me
I would become happy in my own skin
The skin would fit
There she was
PGF-E

The light was lit
It has been lit since we made sparks fly on social media
On dating sites
In pictures
In messages
On phone calls
On trains
In cafés, France, Cornwall, the bothy, Wales, Upton, lanzarote, to name a few
We clicked so much I felt so relaxed
So unfake
So real
So at home

Engaged
Then booking a wedding
Counting down days
Stressing out with planning
Saving for our own house
Moving in
Days away
Getting married
My favourite day ever
All I ever wanted
Even stressed she soothed me
She calmed me down
Know her thoughts before she's spoken
She finishes my sentences
Adore her
Love her deeper than I've ever thought possible
She's my favourite part of every day
A future to build
Over two years of memories already
Honeymoon to look forward to
So much to be happy for
Thank you P
You are my perfect
All my wants and needs are wrapped up in you
My life is blissful
Take me back to my teenage self
Tell her to be patient
Tell her eventually she will find herself
Her trueself
The girl who loves girls
The girl who will find her girl
The girl will bring all your dreams to reality
P was my destiny
Created a pathway together and now we are walking down in hand in hand
Calm and happy
Thankful
Neither of us gave up
And there she was
My heart is so full
..

Sun sun sun

Sun sun sun
Thank fuck you're back
Spring baby needs those blue skies and finally after too long you are back
Chuffed
Beer on the go
Bose playing the tunes
Life is this

The songbirds that broke the nightmare

This morning I woke with a pain in my heart
For I knew what I had to do
I was tired with it all and sick of the act
And I'd of done anything to of not got up at all

But I sit here as I get myself ready to leave
I hear the morning birds singing
It reminds me of a younger age
A time far away in my memory bank
This sunshine bright and the ground wet
Playing army in South Wales 🏴󐁧󐁢󐁷󐁬󐁳󐁿
Monmouthshire specifically
Running around on my half terms with my siblings and friends
Playing with sticks
Getting my wellies muddy
Literally no pain
No worries
Just life and adventures

It helps me to remember life is more than this
This cloud has followed me for a long time
This cloud has stolen the light
This cloud is soon to blow over
It can't take anymore of me
I won't let it
That younger child was not a walk over
In fact she was more matter of fact
She wouldn't let this happen to her
I know I'm a good teacher
I know I'm a good person
I came into this life to make a real difference
People won't take that from me
They've taken the excitement of owning a home
The excitement of my hen do
That's enough now
Times up
Whistles been blown

This is personal
This is real
Those birds have reminded me of who me is
I am strong
I am resilient
I don't have long left till I find out
So ill make the most
I'll change lives
Ill bring the lessons alive

It's what I used to do
My imagination was amazing as a child
I used to have friends who wanted to play my games
I am proud of who I am
I am proud of who I was
I've never backed down

Thank you birds
Your songs are beautiful
Just like life... Beautiful

Some times..

Some times
The moments just slow down
The room gets warm and I find peace
Those times are precious
Those times are soothing for the soul

Those times are rare now in my 30s and when they are here, I adore them

Goodbye.. New chapter awaits

I remember the day
It was the first month of a new year
I turned up with cars in abundance bags and clothes
I even walked some around the streets
It was my fresh start
new start
noone would know me here


After a few days my princess moved in
I was a lady and her cat and I was proud
She needed me and I had her and life was perfect

A year had passed and I had furnished my house really well
I owned so many appliances I felt great

The flat was always my haven
my go to
I used to rush here, run here, lock myself away here
It was my safe place
I would sit on weekends and watch the world go by
I used to hide here
Me and Joey against the world
Wrapped up in my comfort and my house

I was only ever renting but I was so home proud
I would host meals
I did Christmas dinner here for my family one year
I proposed to my fiancee here
I nearly lost myself here
I have cried laughed, screamed and been overjoyed here
I fell in love here
and all the way my cat has been by my side here
It was mine and Joeys home
And in time P completed the family here
We have had BBQs here and parties and film fests and hangovers

I am currently sat here
Our lives are boxed around me
The sun is bright outside the windows and its a clear day
no snow
and no rain.. for once
We are in single figures for the days and nights left here

My brain is busy hustling and bustling all of my memories
They are screeching passed me at a rate
I can barely grab them quick enough before they disappear into the night
But I will always hold them close to my heart

7 years since I lived in this neighbourhood
and we are leaving soon
I will miss it
I have loved and enjoyed it here
I am not leaving forever,
But I just wanted to document it

I never thought I would be a homeowner
I never thought I would be happy in love
I never thought I would be getting married
Who knew, life could surprise you so much

Give you so much

Putting out the trash

And should I want more time
And should I wish for days more
And what if it is possible
And what if its not
And what if people don't see
And what if people miss it
And what if I'm trying my best
And that's not enough
And what if then its over
And what if I can't cope
And what if I fall poor
And what if I'm then broke
And what if no one can help me
And what if its the end
And what if I go backwards
And take the shit jobs again
And what if my argument doesn't win
And what if I cry so hard
And what if I feel like begging
And what if its not enough
And who makes decisions like that anyway
And who is capable of breaking hearts
And who is capable of damaging dreams
And who has no conscience at all
And what ifs can take you on a wild ride
And what ifs can be upsetting
But I just wanted to offload
The thoughts in my mind circulating
Take me to my favourite beach
Leave me on the sand
Let me breathe in deep the sea
And close my eyes and mind
Let me lift my arms up high
And scream so loud it hurts
For this is my favourite place
And forever it will be mine

A chapter

Tonight we got the news
It was breathtaking
I was sat there with P and my heart was pounding
In a good way
Signature after signature
Explanation after explanation
I didn't know the drill
But I enjoyed it.
It was snowing outside as it does in Feb lol
Felt surreal
We drove home with our thoughts hitting the windows
So much to digest
We had a move in date
Electric
Walking into the house and all I could see was how it was all unboxed
We didn't know it would happen so quick
As I write I remember my last big move
The flat was empty and my mate said have a minute
I walked through each room
Bare walls
No furniture
No life left
And I felt saddened for the end but excited for the future

Life was changing
It has so much since P
It's got exciting
No more humdrum
I feel like we met each other and it all made sense
We both got what we wanted and needed
The bells are ringing soon
I can hardly express into words my thoughts on that
That will be another night

Thus far called all companies and told the landlord
Feel guilt but pure excitement too
I can remember when I first moved in
It was so exciting
Another chapter and it just evolves
It will be ours this time
Mine and Pz
Loved and happy
Secure and excited

A new page
A new chapter
Wish us luck
The packing will commence

My Dad

I can remember the first time
I was in the kitchen and Dad was at his seat putting his bike trousers on over his jeans and his leather jacket on
He also had this balaclava too and I used to think 'my dad looks so cool'
But I was a teenager, so I never told him.

I would be sat in the kitchen with him with my bright orange trousers on, my three jumpers and gloves.. Waiting for the bikers jacket to arrive so I could wear it.
Life was so exhilaring then
Life could just stop for hours
Nothing took over
Excitement was free and full and available all the time
We stepped out onto the porch and we were kitted and booted up
His motorbike was on the pavement revving and ready
We were off to Wales
I was so excited
I'd worried all morning as I wasn't sure we'd go as the weather had been so rubbish
But, with the rain and wind we were going and I was absolutely buzzing.

When you are sat on a bike.. Life stands still
You are going so fast sometimes you actually lose yourself
God I miss that feeling sometimes
Being sat down with my Dad on this vehicle that just blasted passed people
Within seconds we were dust
I used to hold on to the back of the bike
I wanted to be cool
My secret is I always wanted to hold onto my Dad but was too proud too

My childhood was amazing
And so special
What, with my part time job with my Dad and my bike rides and trips I was always busy and excited

This is a reminder of my happy place
The time we could just ride off into the sunset with my Dad..

I saw a Dad and daughter tonight on a motorbike whilst I was driving home from work and the tears rolled down my cheeks
I wasn't upset
I just felt so lucky to have had those memories too.

We get older so quickly
Time does fly
But I just want my Dad to know how much those memories mean to me and how closely to my heart they are held

Thank you
Childhood was awesome

Storms and changes

Storms
They lit up the sky tonight
They were well timed as I walked in the night sky
I had been walking for hours now and didn't know where I was anymore
The sky started to change colour
It was almost trying to guide me
I had so much to think about
I'd popped out to clear my head you see.. But this walk had felt like hours so far
Still full
Foggy
Conversations were whirring around my head all too often as I scrambled over the ground below me
I knew my trainers and jeans were sodden now from the damp wintery land below each step I was taking
They were drenching my socks
These rocks and hills
I had no phone on me
Not even my key
I was in the rural world surrounded by green which was now a darker glow from this sky
The heavens were planning on opening and I wasnt in the house
I wasn't even prepared
I had no coat and no umbrella
The rain started to fall
At first light and unintentional
Then faster heavier and with purpose
It was thrashing itself down onto me
Onto my hair my shoulders my arms and legs
Did I walk faster?
I should have done but instead I stopped
I stood right there not a step further
I tilted my head up to the sky and said in my head.. Come on then
Bring it

It was cleansing me
It was purifying my head and cleaning my mind
It was taking every stress I felt away with it
Smacking it hard off the ground until it was banished and unconscious
It was not taking anymore of my time up
Life is too fcukin short
We need to enjoy it more
This storm was letting me let it go
I felt emotional with this opportunity
I was so thankful
So relieved and so blessed
My mind felt clear
I was better

It felt better
I could see my way
It was clearer now
Nothing blocking my path anymore

Note to self :
It's always a good idea to reassess
Know what's what
Don't hold back on memories
Make them in abundance
Understand that life throws things hard
Like dodge ball sometimes it can hit you head on, and sometimes you can be missed
Life is never easy or planned
Let life be what it is
Let ideas and chances have a go at making you happy
Don't be so set on your ideas
Don't plan too much
Some days it might rain
And it might ruin your plans
Like they say
You need to learn to dance in the rain
Or in this case
Stand tall, accept some things are unable to be resolved in your chosen wanted route
We have to react to the now
And stop living in the might be

Enjoy time
It's all we have

The vase

I brought this vase
It was a beautiful looking ornament that I kept high and proud on my living room chest
Every morning it caught my eye on my way out the door
It glistened in the sunshine and brought such a pretty sight when it was filled with flowers
It was stunning

Winter had arrived and this vase was looking so dull
I decided to move it to the window sill so it would get some light
It looked different from this position in the living room and before long I started to forget it was there
The spring flew around and the spring clean was in flow
Dusting as I do I managed to knock this vase off the windowsill
It crashed to the floor but only a few pieces fell off
I was devastated
I knew I shouldn't have moved it
We brought glue and we fixed it
A chip was now present but it was moved back to the chest
Out of harms way
New furniture filled the room and the older ornaments started to stand out
They didn't fit the room or the style
This vase was looking damaged and broken and didn't shine anymore
The sun although cold didn't hit the points anymore
It just looked sad
We had guests over and it was knocked again
More chips
More glue
Now its hidden behind other ornaments
I want to throw it away
I can't stand the sight of it sometimes
It looks damaged and sad
It doesn't fit with us anymore
It's going to be boxed away soon
It will probably never leave the loft
I want to keep it
I've worked so hard to keep it
People used to comment on it
Say how stunning it was
It's only a vase I'd say
It always looks better with flowers
But it leaks now
Lost its purpose
Lost its uses
Just an ornament
No real need for it
It gets moved every week
Quick polish and back on the cupboard
Pointless little vase
Oh how you used to brighten up the room
Now I'm struggling to keep you

Life ruined your shine
Took away your beauty
Now you have cracks and chips
What do i do with you now?

Poem written by me: 10/6/2012

Then one day she was woken up
Bolt upright - full of knowing what next
Some people didnt get her,
But she has finally come to realise that's not her problem.
This is who she is and she's comfortable with it
Ups and downs have fell aplenty
However it's all been too much of the same thing
Nobody expects a fricking standing ovation
Just the nod of one's head in recognition of acceptance.
Battles have felt so long and draining
but it was only my minds thought I was chatting at,
And she's the same girl
- so go figure.
As I said, one day she was woken up,
And now I am aware of the next
Check list on the been,
And now listing off the to do
Until till then, goodbye.

This poem was found in an old journal and was written from the bed of my cousin Danny's house nr Dusseldorf, Germany.

My strength

As the curtain falls
The room becomes still
You can hear the beating hearts of the audience as they wait with anticipation
The emotion is heard in my voice as I start to tell my story
I can see the tears form in the eyes of the front row
They can hardly believe their ears
The room becomes enclosed and I feel like it's comforting me
The gasps and reactions are heard from all the seats in front

I pause and take a sip of my water
Someone shouts out to me
"how did you get through it?"

I choke slightly as I am humbled with this question
So as honest as I can be, I answer
You know what
I was told once by a really good friend that the memories of that night will always return, for the rest of my life but that I need to think of what I have. That I'm here that I'm alive and that I am in love, getting married and buying a property.
That yes it was scary and dark and gets to me in the most random of places
But that it's going
It is still early days and I know I have a close nit of people who are here for me

I thank the audience
I bow
And I walk off the stage
It will get easier
This will be my strength not my weakness