As the sun had set

The sun sets much earlier now it seems

The dreams seem to be more vivid

The thoughts that control my daily life are emotional

The way I felt before has reappeared

I cant tell you any lies anymore

I dont wish to delve into it again

I dont wish to soak myself in the once used water that I relied on once upon a time

I dont wish to continue this drag through my days

I dont wish to count down my time here on earth

I dont wish to think too much about you or what you are up to 

I dont wish to miss you at times when I feel most weak

I dont wish to look up at the moon and think can you see it too

I dont wish to carry on this carry on film that classically recalls at this time each night

I wont go over and over the whys and the whats

I wont go over the fact that you called

I wont keep myself from letting you go anymore

I wont let you 

I cant let you

I forgive you

I will let it go

Over now that the sun has set

Over now the night has arrived

Over now the tears have dried and stained my face 

Over now I have forgotten how you sound

Over now you are no longer a name on my page

I will forgive you for all that happened

Fireworks will brighten my sky next week

and I will see the moon

I will see the stars

and I will let it all go

for one last time.

[Just the thoughts that were in my head - wanting to escape]

31/10/11  17:32pm

And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand

well well well

Well that is a turn for the books.... that is the right saying isn't it?

Oh well screw it, I've typed it now...

I had a lovely day yesterday out with the guy in Brum, cinema, cocktails, and more to drink so I must tell you waking up today at like 6am for the walk with my Uncle was frickin' fantastic... and Yes that is sarcasm, completely drenched in sarcasm that one!

But the 5 miles I walked was very good, and I saw so many cute dogs out and about - Obv Jake included (who is my Uncle Paul's Springer)

Anyways... Last night, I saw somebody from school, he let me into some truths about an ex from before Uni - first love as it goes... stayed on my mind all night after that... 

Hmm and then woke up to other drama on my phone... wat the frick... 

Yes, it is my life and Yes I need to choose the right path and all that jazz... 

But boy, drama doesn't half hold onto me ayyyy

What a frickin' tit!

Toodlez

xxxxxx

RIP DAVID JOSEPH JONES

He was a lovely guy, we had many a mad night out back in the day when you had no responsibilities and no 9-5 and life just seemed so easy

A song that reminds me of you

Rest Easy

Life is so short...... Grab it all!!!

Up In Flames

Evening
Don't worry, the title is not how I feel it is just the name of my fave song on Coldplay's new album - I adore the album and this track is so relaxing




I am feeling so happy these past few weeks... only bad has been over missing my family as my parents, sister and brother in law are in France until Sunday and I miss chatting to them whenever I want to... truth is they are all so busy with life it wouldn't make a huge amount of difference if they had been here all week.. if I really think about it.


But still... it is just how I am sometimes lol


I was just about to get off and go to bed but I had this thought cross my mind...


I needed to get it down to you... as a record of my findings and acceptance


"&& then you realise all this pain.... was for the smiles you have now.. it was all meant to be this way"


I was let down this evening.. for a reason you would all consider quite valid.. not the new guy in my life no (he is the reason I smile) - no this was somebody else.. and the thing is I could just allow it to go and fall away with the evening, but it is not the first time and it is something I struggle with... I am the kinda person to believe in people, and believe unless they completely prove me wrong to the point of tears and hurt, that they are genuinely nice people and dont mean to let me down continually


Although, speaking to my guy before I came to bed, he may have a point... this person may just not be bothered... 


Not nice no... but is it time I let it go? 
Let it blow away in the cold autumn night?

Hmm.. I don't know.. sleep on it yes? Always leave a decision to the morning.. things always seem better in the morning with a cup of Tetley's tea and mini Weetabix!


Good night people


On with the mad dreams I go... as to add, mine last night have been through my mind a few times today crashing into the walls of my conscious processes... of really old faces from before the days of Uni... what is the meaning of that??




"So its over, this time I know its gone, Salt water, tasted it too long..."


Amazing Lyrics.... COLDPLAY - MYLO XYLOTO



 

Nostalgia

I miss University

It is not a major thought of my day, but tonight I have just been thinking wow!

Where did the time go?

This was also on my mind because I just think how quickly time is going, its nearly Xmas

I don't feel saddened really... just a thought- one that will surely pass as the day fades away.

Work is much better now, miss my family as they are in the South of France

I cant help but hope me and this newbie work

Getting to me! 

Good sign- it takes a lot for somebody to get to me !

That is all tonight! 

BTW - I should mention how proud I am of myself... Moving on from a previous chapter gracefully 

....Luckily!!! 

Much Love 

xxxxxx

Inspiring People - Steve Jobs (February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011)

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Now I am ready

Hey!


Well, this past week has been a bit like OMFG! 
So much has happened, I havnt known if I've been coming or going and to be quite honest with you, I am fed up of the drama.


I have made some decisions this week, it is never the easiest thing to do, - change the habit of a lifetime, but I have finally seen that my "habit" is getting me nowhere.


I think I find things hard to let go because to do so, means you are left just alone with nothing... but this isnt true, I have so many people around me so I shouldnt need to hold on to anything anymore, especially when it just brings me down.


I think you are the result of your attractions, and all I was doing was surrounding my days with the past, I had to let them all go, remove them from my day to day and just accept the ending


I like this guy a lot :-)


He makes me happier than I have felt in years, I literally giggle all the time around him, - and let me just say - that is not something thats common!!! 

To not know a language...

To not know a language; doesn’t mean you don’t understand it,

To not see the pain, does not mean you don’t feel it,

To not shed a tear, does not mean you aren’t crying inside.

Just because I am not angry with you, doesn’t mean what you did was kind,

That how you treated me was right,

That how I have struggled to deal with the repercussions of your actions, easy.

Just because you don’t remember, doesn’t mean I’ve forgot,

People can do and act in whatever way they choose,

They can say what they think,

Pour their opinions onto others without a care,

Just expecting those below to be drenched in the stigma or attitudes of negativity.

I don’t wish to be that person,

Or that supposed victim,

Just because there are areas of normal life that I struggle with

Of normal actions, or emotions, or forms of feelings, does not mean I am not normal

It just means I am human

Not an untouched feather floating lightly with no past, but a light feather flying through the air, without the weight of what’s been pinning me down,

But with the destiny falling out in front of me,

With the smiles on faces, regardless of the, what and when and how.

To not know a language, doesn’t mean you don’t understand it.

We all have our lives,

We all have our end of the roads...

Acceptance is survival. 


written 11th October 2011

I really wish I didnt... but I do

I envy those that move on so easily,
Envy is a strong word I know.. but its true


I seem to be the type that holds on for years, by the smallest thread,
Hoping that in some miracle land, I will get it back
Whatever it is, I hold out in hope so easily.


I will let the tears fall down my face when the memories present themselves on those late evenings when you are struggling to drift off,
When your mind is working so quickly you feel like your flying through the night with your eyes closed, but you are doing everything in your power to open them so you can see,
I dont even understand what I am typing to you, but with a friend now on facebook I am seeing the same words be formed by my typing, and I am realising how fricking same old I am becoming.


I would not want to sit and ponder the what ifs forever, because my forever is ticking by at a rate as it is,
But i would love to know how to cope with how i dont cope - is that even possible?
I work so hard to get the things I have in life, those items you fill up your home with, and peoples xmas wish lists etc, but not those that keep you warm in the winter, tell you they love you, catch you when you feel like you've just had the rug pulled from under you.


I did not expect to get so heavy this evening, the poem I just wrote was so much better in my diary but oh well... needs must....




I really wish I didnt, but I do.... I hold on to fallen rain, I reach out for the breeze that I will never grab hold of.... 


But I need to stop this. I need to find the mechanisms within me to cope.


Work out which tool I need to fix my problem and get on it!!! 




Thanks for allowing me to offload.

His Words

His words were so soft,
His voice so calm,
He reached out to me with his arms outstretched,
I was so wary, 
But I knew what I wanted..




Those times when I was younger and he was my hero,
That time he saved me from the sea's tide,
That time he said he would never let anyone hurt me like that again...


We didn't always see eye to eye,
I would get so upset about the times we fought, 
But I loved him, 
I didn't want to give up on it... 


I know now that I am older, 
And with that I must gain some maturity,
I must learn to allow myself to trust,
I must remember how he saved me,
He is the one man in my life that will never be replaced,
He is the only reason I am who I am today,
Why I have my eye colour, 
Why I have this body frame,
We are so similar and I love that
I need him a lot more than I tell him I do


Because we are getting on again,
I am able to grow up,
I am able to let go of all that shit that's behind me,
I am able to float through the sky, 
Like a feather,
Taken by the breeze,
Nothing holding me back any more,
Nothing in my way.


He is the best guy I'll ever be lucky enough to meet,
And I look to my wedding day,
I look to the birth of my first child,
Introducing my new family to my hero.


To the man who has always protected me,
Who taught me right from wrong,
Who kept me on the right track 




This is to my amazing Dad,
I love him 
More than words will ever say.

 -x-

I don't care what they say..

Hello!!!

Well today has deffo been epic. That hangover literally tried to kill me, word of advice for you- EAT before you go out drinking, as I have not been eating that much since the op to remove the tooth of wisdom from my face, so yday was a lil silly of me... worked from 9-6 having eaten just a packet of crisps and a cup of soup then went out on a monumental night of debauchery!!

However, the night was amazing, from what I remember and the guy I like, kissed me :D So I am very happy... we are taking things slow though... he stopped over and left today... we have both been ploughing through our days.. plans changed from what I had first set out.. but oh well.. whats life without a bit of change?! Good for the soul right!?

I really need to get back into my fitness, I have lost some weight these past few months, and I am feeling a lot happier with my figure :D 

I also realllllyyyyy want a new tattoo, its a proper like arghhh thought, as its annoying I cant just get it now, but knowing the amount I drank last night, probs not the best of ideas!!!

Xfactor tonight, oooof and pizza I think... detox my body 2mrw!!! :D Maybe a roast at my Mums :)

More like a diary entry this one... ah well!! 

Hope you love it!!! xxx

Turning Tables...

I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days, whilst being off work with tooth pain after having my wisdom removed.
I haven't had the most perfect of experiences, described years ago as trauma, and I have struggled with ways to deal with it all.
I tend to avoid the people that scare me, but not in a hugely fearful way, more of a loss of control way. - in this sense, Men.
I have spent so many years looking for the answer when it came to labels, having always been that child obsessed with boxing people off, 'greebo', 'gothic', 'chav' or whatever the lingo at the time; it was always me thinking of who was who.
At the end of the day, it is just what it is, we are all just individual stars, meeting each other spontaneously. 
Sometimes I find myself thinking about times that have gone and I think of how it could of been different, but that is just all fantasy and hope... because it can't ever be changed.
I really have enjoyed the love I've felt for those few people in life and this is where I kind of go back on where this whole blog started. 
&& admit the truth, like I had to when I spoke with my mum the other day... 
People who are out of the closet always told me, that if I am that way inclined don't let it define you, it is just  a part of you... and that when you admit it, you will feel the weight leave your shoulders..
BUT for me it wasn't like that, it didn't feel any better, it almost felt like I had just struggled with my trauma and decided to label myself this for the sake of avoiding those situations again... thinking that if I said I was gay, that men wouldn't try it on any more... if anything it just made them try harder, and I really enjoyed that.. not something, that someone gay would say surely??
The thing is, I just want to fall in love, and I want it to be forever - and more than love, I want my soulmate... I never was the child who grew up dreaming of my wedding day... But to be a mother is always what I've wanted... I am very close to my mum and I wanted to have that with my own child... 
I am sure this is like wtf to you reading this and to those that know me probably not what you expected to read.
The bottom line is this, I dealt with things in my past by pushing them away, even the things and people I wanted.. I just pushed them away. 
I am starting to deal with it now, from the help of my Dr and that... and the real reason this all came about was because of my feelings for someone, who broke the mould as its a he... && I don't want to push him away this time.
Wow, feels good to pile that all on to you.
I want a new tattoo also :) 
TC -x- 

"My eyes are so tired" but I always look out for you....

Sometimes I think deeply, so much so that I actually leave reality for a moment...
I awake from a dream and i think what was that thought I just had all about? was it necessary??

I dont know.. .Sometimes I forget to care because I feel this feeling is just too much of all of my spare time
that is affects more than i think to let on
and I am typing this away thinking do these people reading understand what I mean?
&& most times I hope they dont, because the majority of cases I dont want them too



See the thing is, I have always been this ONE thing...
But I was just GOOD at hiding it all beneath the duvet or joke or mumble..
Until EVENTUALLY it just blew up within my heart and FEELINGS and I couldnt contain it anymore...

Then ONE DAY I just found myself saying it in mind thoughts and it was already taking over dreams and diaries... I couldn't hide anymore and the truth was I DIDNT WANT TO

I have never been the hugely honest of folk, I would talk and open up but never fully, I kept A LOT back and I think people just assumed I was being ME when I was ACTING straight....

People even now have a problem with how I look and who I say I am.... Which I suppose is their issue right???

Still hurts my feelings when people think I am so MUCH MORE than I am....

Its almost like to these PEOPLE I am NOT enough...

But I am just me, I can only be me and I am now finally comfortable with that...
I wont lie though... I do miss those individuals... and maybe I always will....


BUT sometimes LIFE is just made of SO MUCH MORE.... !!!!!!