Time to be a participant.

it has never been easy for me
even deciding to write about it was a chore
i guess i am just not as straight forward as id like to be
i watch others and only dream i could be so blasé with things
so last minute, a life with out a list
i mean yes that is too far

i spend a lot of my life thinking about life
not enough of it living it
i am finally able to stand up and admit to my addiction to thinking
my addiction to planning
my addiction to pre-empting every possibility in life
almost living out a life before i have even said hello to a person

seeing the heartbreak before the love is felt
hiding like a scared individual
sitting locked away in my four walls, safe because to observe is to be safe.. surely?
i couldn't be much more wrong
there is a time i recall where i argued my heart and stated life is about the career
the ladder of success
knowing deep down the key to success is wrapped up in just one big fat amazing human treat
LOVE
that is simply all i have ever wanted

too scared to step onto the ladder for it though
to scared to want it
to accept that i need it
that, that is all i crave
that the career can be right, the house can feel right
i can book holidays and drive my car, and buy all i desire
but that this one huge piece is missing

i observe, it is my fascination in humans which drives it
i love to watch people, hear people, see interaction
as a silent bystander, not the main scene, but the one at the side of the stage, watching quietly by the curtain
seeing peoples eyes light up when they feel the feeling of love, and the body language scream love
i watch attentively, falling with them, feeling it with them
i used to sit in a coffee shop and just relax as i knew it was happening around me
but deep down you see, i wanted it for me
i wanted to be the one watched
the one to be in love

there you see, it wasn't that hard was it
to admit it, is the first step :)