darkened room

there was this room that I would go to
one which was just a secret
nobody knew about it
and i've never spoken of it before
no one would know it existed and i didn't discuss it 


i would sneak into the darkness and this was where i felt my happiest
the sun wouldn't flood in and i could relax
the silence wasn't a problem this time
it was my saviour
it taught me all i needed to know
it taught me to hear my own thoughts
to listen to my own mind
it allowed me to see how it was 
and i will never forget how much it helped me grow




sometimes i wish i knew how to find it again
tucked behind all these memories that have piled up to the sky
the moon doesn't glow like it used to
the sky seems to have more stars
i used to believe each star was a dead person
when i lost my Nan and my Grandad i would look up and when one shone brighter than the rest 
i would start to talk to them
i was young
death wasn't the thing we knew
it was just a feeling i can never describe
sometimes i still cant get my head around it
it was not something i would talk about 
it hurts others a lot more
but the pain it is my tattoo
the one you cant see
as the ink is the same colour as my skin
n i carry it in my heart
through my every day 


to only see them again
to only ask them EVERY question i've ever mouthed in my mind
to only hug them till it hurt to move
to only tell them how much they have followed me around
and the times that i just believed they were there with me and how they got me through
and how its funny how much i say on here
and how its funny i really trust it
and how its sad that its not a lie that im typing 
and how its just shit how it all goes away
and how i wish to know all there is
and how i want to see so much more
and how i know i am here for more reasons
and this i am sure
and that i know i type with such emotion
but that's just the way that i am
and i hope one day this is my strength and not my weakness 
and it picks me up and helps me pursue
all that there is to see
and all that there is to do


like i say to only see this room again
would not be too soon
to only feel that way i used to
to only be a little girl
to only be riding my bike so fast that id get an adrenaline rush
to only have all my family alive and well
to only cherish and hold every memory for longer than necessary 
to never forget a single moment
to never take anything for granted
to love my parents to the moon and back
and to hate to know it may be one day over
to know that i cant keep it all
to know it has to end one day
someday
maybe not any day soon
maybe not any day at all...


to see them all again 
in that safe place
that place i felt safe
in my darkened room.