Turning Tables...

I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days, whilst being off work with tooth pain after having my wisdom removed.
I haven't had the most perfect of experiences, described years ago as trauma, and I have struggled with ways to deal with it all.
I tend to avoid the people that scare me, but not in a hugely fearful way, more of a loss of control way. - in this sense, Men.
I have spent so many years looking for the answer when it came to labels, having always been that child obsessed with boxing people off, 'greebo', 'gothic', 'chav' or whatever the lingo at the time; it was always me thinking of who was who.
At the end of the day, it is just what it is, we are all just individual stars, meeting each other spontaneously. 
Sometimes I find myself thinking about times that have gone and I think of how it could of been different, but that is just all fantasy and hope... because it can't ever be changed.
I really have enjoyed the love I've felt for those few people in life and this is where I kind of go back on where this whole blog started. 
&& admit the truth, like I had to when I spoke with my mum the other day... 
People who are out of the closet always told me, that if I am that way inclined don't let it define you, it is just  a part of you... and that when you admit it, you will feel the weight leave your shoulders..
BUT for me it wasn't like that, it didn't feel any better, it almost felt like I had just struggled with my trauma and decided to label myself this for the sake of avoiding those situations again... thinking that if I said I was gay, that men wouldn't try it on any more... if anything it just made them try harder, and I really enjoyed that.. not something, that someone gay would say surely??
The thing is, I just want to fall in love, and I want it to be forever - and more than love, I want my soulmate... I never was the child who grew up dreaming of my wedding day... But to be a mother is always what I've wanted... I am very close to my mum and I wanted to have that with my own child... 
I am sure this is like wtf to you reading this and to those that know me probably not what you expected to read.
The bottom line is this, I dealt with things in my past by pushing them away, even the things and people I wanted.. I just pushed them away. 
I am starting to deal with it now, from the help of my Dr and that... and the real reason this all came about was because of my feelings for someone, who broke the mould as its a he... && I don't want to push him away this time.
Wow, feels good to pile that all on to you.
I want a new tattoo also :) 
TC -x-