I really wish I didnt... but I do

I envy those that move on so easily,
Envy is a strong word I know.. but its true


I seem to be the type that holds on for years, by the smallest thread,
Hoping that in some miracle land, I will get it back
Whatever it is, I hold out in hope so easily.


I will let the tears fall down my face when the memories present themselves on those late evenings when you are struggling to drift off,
When your mind is working so quickly you feel like your flying through the night with your eyes closed, but you are doing everything in your power to open them so you can see,
I dont even understand what I am typing to you, but with a friend now on facebook I am seeing the same words be formed by my typing, and I am realising how fricking same old I am becoming.


I would not want to sit and ponder the what ifs forever, because my forever is ticking by at a rate as it is,
But i would love to know how to cope with how i dont cope - is that even possible?
I work so hard to get the things I have in life, those items you fill up your home with, and peoples xmas wish lists etc, but not those that keep you warm in the winter, tell you they love you, catch you when you feel like you've just had the rug pulled from under you.


I did not expect to get so heavy this evening, the poem I just wrote was so much better in my diary but oh well... needs must....




I really wish I didnt, but I do.... I hold on to fallen rain, I reach out for the breeze that I will never grab hold of.... 


But I need to stop this. I need to find the mechanisms within me to cope.


Work out which tool I need to fix my problem and get on it!!! 




Thanks for allowing me to offload.