Letting you go

I can honestly say I never saw this day coming

Yes it was never perfect but it was what I had and what I was happy with

There were some pretty low times between us but even after that we were OK

When I got the news of my health and it being such a serious diagnosis I immediately shut down

I knew you couldn’t deal with it

I knew I had to hold myself up 

You seemed to just disappear as each day passed by

The pain of losing a part of my body was grief I can never explain

Yes it was taking away the tumour but it was my body and something I still to this day can’t quite process 

There were such dark times 

And you had always been my light

But you were nowhere to be seen

You just vanished

The nights got lonelier as you spent them out with people who you’d known such a short time 

Over me, who you’d been with almost 8 years

I could see the deadness in your eyes 

I could not convince myself of any other excuse other than the burning brightness of you had let me go

It’s such a hard pill to swallow

Realising your whole life is changing 

Without your control

Without your fault

No blame

Just pain and surgery and treatment that strips away all you ever had taking you to the core in the hope of ridding you of a disease that will surely take with it, your life

But with all this as well?

No passion or compassion

Just anger and disgust 

Boaring into me as I sat there in pain from chemo 

No energy to fight for us 

Can’t win a losing battle

Can’t fight if you are not even looking up

You had no intention of saving this ship

We were truly doomed and you did not even look back to see the damage

You were pages ahead in this twisted tale 

I was just a bystander in the end

Watching as you took it all away from me

The memories snapped into pictures existed now as only memories 

The kindness in your eyes had died

That look I used to fear was now the constant

I cry because I miss it

I cry because I thought it was deeper than it ever was

It was only ever surface level and that hurts to accept

I gave myself to you 

Fully and unapologetically 

And you didn’t even pick it up

Not really 

Not really

I tried 

I always met you halfway

I did all I could 

I was not always right but I did try 

I will just have to stop looking over my shoulder

You were never behind me 

You were never trying to catch me up

We weren’t even on the same page

Our story has been written

The ending was abrupt but coming 

Just like the rings in the boxes hidden out of sight

The pictures boxed up and never to see the light

We are done 

It will take some time to really move passed it all

But that is the only path I have 

KP nuts

Over and out 

Lights out 

Door closed