It’s getting ever nearer and the nerves are becoming unbearable
I draw on my smile and tell you I’m fine but in reality I want to run and hide
For this appointment will confirm all of our fears and worries
It will give detail to this killer army of cells that invaded my body
That took with it my life and normality
That dragged me through the woods blindfolded and scared
Screaming without a voice
Crying without a tear
I am not allowed to say no because it will kill me
But to experience the unknown is killing me too
The waiting is the worst
Sitting there as days just disappear
Feels like I’m wasting my time
I can’t do what I want because I’m not well or it’s a risk
Sleeping is just more turmoil as my thoughts play out horror movies over and over
People from the low days come back to haunt me
Then I wake and it’s another day with C
Another day of discomfort and trying to like my new self
Helping something heal that will one day be reopened
No one has the words for me
They pull that expression that I hate to see
They say the words that make me want to scream
For this is not my fault
This is not being brave or strong
It came one day and grew and now it’s making everything I’ve ever made, ill
All those years of looking after my body and eating well and exercising
Getting active and fit and lifting weights
Beating covid and getting through painful infections and accidents
For what?
For you to just storm in and destroy it all
Literally throw my life upside down
Throw the lives of my family and friends into disarray
Why?
Did I do something wrong ? Is this karma ? Am I a bad person ?
No? Unlucky you say?
Really is that word even worthy of such a devilish thing
Unlucky is missing the hoop or the net in sport
Missing a bus
Not this
Stage 2 destroyer
I’m still so angry
Still so sorry for what I will be enduring
Because it’s not over is it
I mean honestly ? When will it be
Yes eventually the treatment will end but then what
The waiting
Waiting and biding time before the next time or praying I hit 5 years to have some sense of relief
But more treatment
Menopause
Infertility
Surgery
Scars
So many wounds but those are what you see
For inside
Inside my heart and my head
I am a bewildered child again
Not quite understanding why me
It just happens doesn’t cut it
Searching for an answer google will never find
A justification for just some cruel disgusting reality
This C has taken enough already
Not sure I have enough in me to keep going
So I pour this out in the hope it helps
Or at least takes some weight from my shoulders
Throws the thoughts into the universe and waits for a solution
Until then I will attend my cycles
Sit there and watch it go in
Do as I’m told
Because even if I am so sad and gutted by my reality
I was always the child to do as I’m told
Even if I didn’t understand the reason
Mask it till you make it as only an ASD female can
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