holding out in vain to what I can never lose

and I guess tonight felt like the right time
they never say there is a right time, but tonight felt like it
I may wake up tomorrow thinking maybe it wasn't the right time, but tonight it felt like it
I won't tell you all it's a definite decision, but tonight it felt ever so right
tonight was the night I had decided
I didn't think ahead, its not been on my mind all day or night
It didn't come to me in a dream or through an artists lyric
I didn't see somebody that threw me down the stairs of those ever so frequent memories jaded in regret
It just decided to be the time now, as I type away like I do everyday 
Everyday type away, type away my life like I have spares in the cupboard
Typing away about clients and this and the other and that
and not trying to make any real sense right now but to make it a point that tonight was the night
Not to confuse the hell out of you but to just state it 
State it again and again and again
so that when I switch off the power and go to sleep its still ringing around my head
a voice in my ear
a voice in my dream
over and over
round and round
the point, the realisation that tonight was the night, this is the moment and here is the time
tick tick tick


I logged into my blog tonight, I selected new post and I just let my mind pour its guts out to you all
you read each word and thought where is she going with this?
what amazing answer will be tripped over as we get to the end 
will it be the same old shit?
same old, oh i miss this, I wish I had that bla bla - life
Life is the answer 
and the point is this


I know and see it now
Everyday I wake up and get ready for work
Every time I receive a text or speak to somebody
When I play music, go out, drink, socialise, watch a film 


I realise that I am trying to distract myself from it 
block it a little maybe
put anything in the way of it to stop me from seeing it
rejoined the gym to work it out of my system
but like the flesh on my body its part of me
like the ink in my tattoos its there forever


Tonight I realised that I had to live it to feel it 
breathe it to know it
see it to believe it 
do it to want it
be it to have it


Wednesday night, raining weather, quiet darkness, car drives passed my window
Tonight was the night I let it go
Last straw, final straw, winning straw




Good night x