Head Mesh

Banksy. 

What a jingled old mess, I lie here not having left my slumber I fell into last night, and I am overthinking as I sometimes find myself doing... deep thinker, is what I am... I dont plan on making this a negative post today, but I just cant find the words to express it to anybody so I chose you to spill it on..

I am 24, as you may or may not know, and I have recently been struggling with negativity... relationship worries mainly and it has started to become a daily thing... 

Trust what exactly is it?? I once got told, "trust is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting they wont" - trusting they wont??? that is an awfully big deal, the power to hurt you??? How beautiful a thought, I was 17 the first time I truly felt betrayed of my trust, and I dont think that 7 years down this rocky old road known as life, it was ever truly mended. 

I mean I can trust, surely... I trust the busdriver everyday on my way to work, that he will get me there safely, that when I ask someone to mind my belongings for a time that they wont run off with them... that when I say I love you, I will have this said back to me, as meaningful as it was leaving my lips as it is theirs.. 

But recently as I state above, this feeling of worry has left a dark cloud above me, and I have spent my days shrugging it off, only to wake with it there again, above my head.. What am I scared of? Why do I feel so paranoid?

I mean karma is a big thing to me, as is the Law of Attraction, so I am perfectly aware that this continued negative balloon I am dragging around with me, is surely my own making... but I am unsure of how to fix it, how to let it go, like the girl in the picture.. how to believe that what I think may happen wont, and that when I trust my partner it will be treasured, and that I will only have what I give in return... 

I state all this clearly I read it to myself as I type, I think about it constantly, but still, that cloud is there, that cloud that dampens my dreams, that ruins my smile, that falls down my face in tears of fear... fear that I know how much it hurts, that I have been here before, that I will fall down again... betrayed and without trust.... 

I do apologise for the deepness of this post today, I just had to say it all, get it out so I can get up and get on... 

Maybe now I have closure... -x-