Catch my thoughts

Sometimes I am knocked down from it
I can barely breath because of it
It hurts to even relax my chest and ribs
I feel the feeling come over me and I have to wait it out
its like a cramp that gets you in the middle of a night
snatches your sleep without permission
drags you back straight into the moment
covers you with it
drowns you in it
you hate it
you cant shut your eyes fast enough
but when you do its right in front of you
you cant tell anyone
for they would only judge you
you can't ignore it because it has a habit of creeping up on you
you just have to ride it out
you know like they say
a wave
ride it out
let it crash down on you
push you to your limits

the tears fell for it last night
I couldn't even breathe
I couldn't say what I was seeing
I couldn't do that
this was my fault
my choice
my decision
my action
my pain
my drama
my worries
I cant burden them
they don't deserve this
they look at it sometimes
I catch their eye
they look down
the hurt and pain in their eyes
their disappointment
their grief
I feel it
it follows them too
it hits them too
it takes them by surprise on their way to work one morning
or on a lunch hour
or during an advert
the harsh reality of my actions
of my pain
of my fear
shapes
left with shapes

I've not written to upset
just to write it out
conscience is clear
mind is often muddled
but I am far better
far higher
far safer than ever
and I do believe that this too will pass
in time
for life is quick
but I need to give it more time