The day has been etched on my brain since day one
I can remember finding out and being so excited Mum had said yes
I watched you come into this life and I was smitten
You were and are adorable
I can remember impatiently waiting for you to be ready and your eyes open
I couldn't wait to get to know you and spend some time with you
Uni was tough, because I knew then I would be leaving you behind
You gave me company every night
I remember coming home on visits and crying into your fur
You comforted me through the toughest times
Now you are 13 years old, turning 14 in April and my heart bleeds for you
I can see that you are getting older and it terrifies me
I don't want you to leave me
I found a lump this morning and I was broken
I haven't felt myself all day
You are my pet and I love you
I don't want to imagine life without you
So I allow the tears to roll down my face and I look deep into my heart and I pray
I pray for you
Never have I felt so understood
So necessary to some one elses life
3 whole years you have lived with me and never once did I feel alone
Please stay a little bit longer
I need you to
I love you and I will be here for you
I have written this to remind myself.
Whatever happens I was very fortunate to have this cat in my life
To Joey
With love, forever x
Sunday, 29 January 2017
Wednesday, 25 January 2017
We are ALL dying to live
Take a second to hear yourself
can you hear the heart beating? Can you feel it?
What is it beating for?
Life? Death?
Who believes in destiny? I used to think the beats were counting down
down to the last few moments
but after time I realised that was the wrong way around
The beats are counting up
counting higher
as life gets faster we get higher
life is faster every time I see the love of my life
taking me higher
making my smile deeper
oh how lucky
I am
finally
lucky
in love
Who believes in destiny?
Not enough moments sometimes
I get lost in her eyes often
her voice can wake me from the deepest sleep
her face can calm me from the worst nightmare
I just adore her
What is dying?
When the time is up
when the room is dark and no one is left watching you anymore
the stage becomes cold and the sign at the right says over
life is over
what begins next?
surely its like the radio
when does that stop?
its a loop surely
we go somewhere else
or maybe we don't
maybe we all just float around asking each other the same question
what next?
In films they say different things
the one I like is in American Beauty
I like it because its warming
it says that death plays out your life
every single moment
you can be part of it all again
like a film you can laugh out loud, or cry like a baby
but either way you are busy and you are watching
We are ALL dying in order to live
as the more we do, the more time we take away
away from what we have
and what we want
It is never something people say
I am ready to die?
Is it?
People always want longer
like an exam with a timer going off
I just need to finish this sentence, you plead
but they say pens down
and you hand in the paper
and you hope you did enough
well that's a way to see your life
your time may be up but you hope you did enough
before my Patty, I would be the one pleading for more time
But if you asked me now
say it was my time
the exam was over
death was upon me..
I would say thank you
this last 14/15 months has been more of a life, than the best part of it all, before
My heart has been beating quicker and my heart has been in love
I have felt myself getting higher each day
I have felt the smile stick to my every emotion
I would be sorry to go but happy
happy that I had achieved my lifelong dreams
to become a teacher (if only a trainee)
to fall in love (the greatest feeling a human can have)
I am engaged and I am excited
but if it is to be over now
take my pen
take my paper
and thank you for the opportunity.
Now lets watch this life once more....
can you hear the heart beating? Can you feel it?
What is it beating for?
Life? Death?
Who believes in destiny? I used to think the beats were counting down
down to the last few moments
but after time I realised that was the wrong way around
The beats are counting up
counting higher
as life gets faster we get higher
life is faster every time I see the love of my life
taking me higher
making my smile deeper
oh how lucky
I am
finally
lucky
in love
Who believes in destiny?
Not enough moments sometimes
I get lost in her eyes often
her voice can wake me from the deepest sleep
her face can calm me from the worst nightmare
I just adore her
What is dying?
When the time is up
when the room is dark and no one is left watching you anymore
the stage becomes cold and the sign at the right says over
life is over
what begins next?
surely its like the radio
when does that stop?
its a loop surely
we go somewhere else
or maybe we don't
maybe we all just float around asking each other the same question
what next?
In films they say different things
the one I like is in American Beauty
I like it because its warming
it says that death plays out your life
every single moment
you can be part of it all again
like a film you can laugh out loud, or cry like a baby
but either way you are busy and you are watching
We are ALL dying in order to live
as the more we do, the more time we take away
away from what we have
and what we want
It is never something people say
I am ready to die?
Is it?
People always want longer
like an exam with a timer going off
I just need to finish this sentence, you plead
but they say pens down
and you hand in the paper
and you hope you did enough
well that's a way to see your life
your time may be up but you hope you did enough
before my Patty, I would be the one pleading for more time
But if you asked me now
say it was my time
the exam was over
death was upon me..
I would say thank you
this last 14/15 months has been more of a life, than the best part of it all, before
My heart has been beating quicker and my heart has been in love
I have felt myself getting higher each day
I have felt the smile stick to my every emotion
I would be sorry to go but happy
happy that I had achieved my lifelong dreams
to become a teacher (if only a trainee)
to fall in love (the greatest feeling a human can have)
I am engaged and I am excited
but if it is to be over now
take my pen
take my paper
and thank you for the opportunity.
Now lets watch this life once more....
Saturday, 19 November 2016
PGE written 7/10/16 unposted
But she didn't know
She didn't know how my heart beat
She didn't know how beautiful she was
She didn't know that every morning I woke up next to her, how lucky I really felt
She didn't know how her smile could fix the darkest day and how her touch could heal my pain
She didn't know.
She didn't know how my heart beat
She didn't know how beautiful she was
She didn't know that every morning I woke up next to her, how lucky I really felt
She didn't know how her smile could fix the darkest day and how her touch could heal my pain
She didn't know.
She didn't know how much she has changed my life
Or how meeting her blew my mind
How clever she is
How proud she should feel
She didn't know how strong she really is inside
She doesn't know
She tries to but she doesn't get close
She barely scratches the surface on my feelings for her
Or how meeting her blew my mind
How clever she is
How proud she should feel
She didn't know how strong she really is inside
She doesn't know
She tries to but she doesn't get close
She barely scratches the surface on my feelings for her
I'm lay here next to her
She is sleeping
She doesn't know how much I love her
Or how much I care
She doesn't know how I intend to love her for the rest of my life
She doesn't hear the truth in my heart beat
The pain that cuts me when she cries
The tears that fall when she's unhappy with her body
The true hurt in my soul as I hear her cry
She is sleeping
She doesn't know how much I love her
Or how much I care
She doesn't know how I intend to love her for the rest of my life
She doesn't hear the truth in my heart beat
The pain that cuts me when she cries
The tears that fall when she's unhappy with her body
The true hurt in my soul as I hear her cry
I will tell you that I love her
I will tell you that she is most beautifully sensitive and sweet natured person I have ever met
I will tell you that her voice woke me up the first time we spoke.. woke me from the mundanity of my existence
Her spirit is alive and it's stronger than she thinks
Her body is the epitomy of perfect
She is my life and my heart
And one day I dream of her being my wife
But she didn't know this
She doesn't know it
But maybe after seeing it written, she will
I will tell you that she is most beautifully sensitive and sweet natured person I have ever met
I will tell you that her voice woke me up the first time we spoke.. woke me from the mundanity of my existence
Her spirit is alive and it's stronger than she thinks
Her body is the epitomy of perfect
She is my life and my heart
And one day I dream of her being my wife
But she didn't know this
She doesn't know it
But maybe after seeing it written, she will
28/11/15 unposted
close the door, shut the curtains before they see
it has been a long day and if you are not careful you will show how you feel
retreat into the comfort of lost television and noise
switch it off again - not now - this can wait
as the days become weeks, this feeling at the pit of your stomach is just growing painful
it is getting harder to deal with
you are feeling like at any moment you could lose it
at night you cant sleep
it just keeps waking you, if not from the pain but from the dreams that drown you
i guess everybody has this.. this feeling of ignoring things
of struggling with the lack of time
Friday, 23 September 2016
Little Moment of Reasoning
Look at it outside
The world that just fleet by in its urgency
The beautiful countrysides swaying in the winds
The birds singing a song and the sun pushing itself higher than any one has ever been able to reach
Look at it
Walk down the streets that surround your own world
breathe in deep the air that encompasses us all
watch the people around you getting on with there lives
all with a purpose, all with a dream
be silent, be quieter as you walk and you will see it all
witness the happiness in peoples faces as they laugh at jokes or the sadness in the eyes of passers by and hold on tight as this is a ride
a ride of life
When you can, at night pop out
take a stroll and take a moment
leave behind your phones and devices and just be utterly at one with your mind
find a bench and sit down
try your best to slow down
slow down with it all
tell yourself to stop rushing
life will happen as it should
remember those moments
watch them happen
realise they are happening and act on them
don't be so involved in elsewhere
fill yourself with the now, and stop trying so hard to find the futures in the years
be content
if you are not, then ask yourself what it is that is missing, and go and get it
not at this moment but another time
plan it in
Look at it, your life
and make it grow into what ever you want it to
nurture it and give it time, all you desire will present itself
just as a child, your dreams will come true
I promise
The world that just fleet by in its urgency
The beautiful countrysides swaying in the winds
The birds singing a song and the sun pushing itself higher than any one has ever been able to reach
Look at it
Walk down the streets that surround your own world
breathe in deep the air that encompasses us all
watch the people around you getting on with there lives
all with a purpose, all with a dream
be silent, be quieter as you walk and you will see it all
witness the happiness in peoples faces as they laugh at jokes or the sadness in the eyes of passers by and hold on tight as this is a ride
a ride of life
When you can, at night pop out
take a stroll and take a moment
leave behind your phones and devices and just be utterly at one with your mind
find a bench and sit down
try your best to slow down
slow down with it all
tell yourself to stop rushing
life will happen as it should
remember those moments
watch them happen
realise they are happening and act on them
don't be so involved in elsewhere
fill yourself with the now, and stop trying so hard to find the futures in the years
be content
if you are not, then ask yourself what it is that is missing, and go and get it
not at this moment but another time
plan it in
Look at it, your life
and make it grow into what ever you want it to
nurture it and give it time, all you desire will present itself
just as a child, your dreams will come true
I promise
Wednesday, 3 August 2016
Future Gains
I need to find my path
the ground is trashed
I cant see in the dark
I keep falling over
knees all bloody
arms scarred
heart feels faint
I expect this time to pass though
I am always a half full glass girl
I will always get back up
no such thing as a lose in my fight
I always win
always succeed
I strive to complete every mission I set myself
This latest mission has left me weaker than ever before
as its a mission from my desire and dreams
the future I have longed for all my life
the ability to teach
to learn and educate myself to a level I am content with
to be a significant role in someone else's life
to be worthy
to be needed
to be loved
I want to be the girl I used to daydream about
the girl I see in the pictures of my childhood
the talent and raw confidence that I etched out over the years of turbulence
the feeling of never being enough will surely fade over time
the feeling will be shifted to a new positive and vibrant person
the person i keep locked away in my pocket
she can only visit me
she never stays
she is stuck in this life of pretense
of sales and targets and bullshit
it doesn't suit me
the clothes don't fit anymore
they never did
it was never my image
never my creation
just the wardrobe got dull
I didnt change with the fashion
No more
its my time now
my time now
my time
Now
I will get it
Thanks for letting me spill this
the ground is trashed
I cant see in the dark
I keep falling over
knees all bloody
arms scarred
heart feels faint
I expect this time to pass though
I am always a half full glass girl
I will always get back up
no such thing as a lose in my fight
I always win
always succeed
I strive to complete every mission I set myself
This latest mission has left me weaker than ever before
as its a mission from my desire and dreams
the future I have longed for all my life
the ability to teach
to learn and educate myself to a level I am content with
to be a significant role in someone else's life
to be worthy
to be needed
to be loved
I want to be the girl I used to daydream about
the girl I see in the pictures of my childhood
the talent and raw confidence that I etched out over the years of turbulence
the feeling of never being enough will surely fade over time
the feeling will be shifted to a new positive and vibrant person
the person i keep locked away in my pocket
she can only visit me
she never stays
she is stuck in this life of pretense
of sales and targets and bullshit
it doesn't suit me
the clothes don't fit anymore
they never did
it was never my image
never my creation
just the wardrobe got dull
I didnt change with the fashion
No more
its my time now
my time now
my time
Now
I will get it
Thanks for letting me spill this
Bad Dreams
I wont be the last person to say this
but life is hard
I often sit alone at home when the day is just flying past me and I am just paralysed
I am unable to feel or move or even form a sentence and its scary.
The trouble with my sleeping habits has been a long battle
I am so tired from being tired
I often just lie there and think about everything
Don't do it
It opens up every can of worm that ever lived
Scared is something I feel from the dreams when I have finally passed into sleep
I am lost in these mazes of disbelief and fear
I am waking up in moods and I can't control them
I am fighting my own unconscious and its terrifying
Explain a dream, have you ever tried to?
People look at you like something they trod in
They are like they did what?
Chased you, killed you?
Dreams, what a laugh
we go to sleep to relax and yet I am dealing with it all over again
What is this life becoming?
I sit and I watch people walking passed my windows with there existence in tow
Me sat, just staring out
stuck in this rut
Surrounded by a house, I once loved and now? I cant stand it
I hate the sofa that once brought with it a comfort
The windows just let in too much light
the sun, annoys me
Is this negative?
I didn't want it to be
I wanted it to be a report of my current state of mind
the boggled and confused mind that I wake to
The reflection I don't recognise
Depression? Or just weakness
I don't have bad thoughts when in my normal day... much
I just feel so pulled apart
the directions being dragged are endless
my smile is true
but my eyes say worry and panic
I feel like a burden
My life feels like a burden
but life is hard
I often sit alone at home when the day is just flying past me and I am just paralysed
I am unable to feel or move or even form a sentence and its scary.
The trouble with my sleeping habits has been a long battle
I am so tired from being tired
I often just lie there and think about everything
Don't do it
It opens up every can of worm that ever lived
Scared is something I feel from the dreams when I have finally passed into sleep
I am lost in these mazes of disbelief and fear
I am waking up in moods and I can't control them
I am fighting my own unconscious and its terrifying
Explain a dream, have you ever tried to?
People look at you like something they trod in
They are like they did what?
Chased you, killed you?
Dreams, what a laugh
we go to sleep to relax and yet I am dealing with it all over again
What is this life becoming?
I sit and I watch people walking passed my windows with there existence in tow
Me sat, just staring out
stuck in this rut
Surrounded by a house, I once loved and now? I cant stand it
I hate the sofa that once brought with it a comfort
The windows just let in too much light
the sun, annoys me
Is this negative?
I didn't want it to be
I wanted it to be a report of my current state of mind
the boggled and confused mind that I wake to
The reflection I don't recognise
Depression? Or just weakness
I don't have bad thoughts when in my normal day... much
I just feel so pulled apart
the directions being dragged are endless
my smile is true
but my eyes say worry and panic
I feel like a burden
My life feels like a burden
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