What Does It Mean?

What does it mean when I act like I do
When you look at me blankly and don't have a clue
and I carry on toying like you are my prize 
but one that keeps breaking and making me cry
and all of these horses and all of these men
could not mend my heart or head again
and I fear for how long it may actually take
for me to be trusting and give you a break
and I know that your stupid as you made the doubt
and you made it hurt and you freaked me out
and you are the reason that I do as I do
as I don't know how I do it and you don't have a clue 
and so we keep plodding around in circles and bends
and we both get so angry and beg for the end
as that will be the decider and we both will understand 
but until that moments creates itself lets just bury ourselves in the sand


I know that you ruined the trust I had built up
and not only through you but all those before
and now I am angry because it is all damaged and you don't even see it or know it or understand it 
and so I am just going over and over in my head till I'm tired and warn out 
screaming and shouting in my head - afraid to let it out


So I write this out and I wonder what to do 
how will it get better - will it?
what do I even want?