To put it bluntly

I am truly fugged off
i cant seem to keep it up
i wish to tell people about it but it seems like im moaning or trying to be negative
im not - i just need to vent it 
so many silly things all piling up
causing me stress and making me frown


I hate it when a switch goes off 
that switch that resorts you to tears and panic and worry
the one that keeps you awake at night or intrudes on every dream you have - turning your whole life into a drama piece- one which you have to live through
when you want to talk about it
your being silly or moody or depressing
but you don't mean to
you just need to get it off your chest
like if you don't soon it may end up snapping your rib cage and breaking your heart


that it isn't about love as that's now on the back-burner
but its about your life and your future
and each day that passes you are getting closer to 25 
and that scares the shit out of you
and you don't feel your ready to become that age
and you don't think you have enough to show
and you keep searching in that empty room that you cleared out years ago of ideas
those inspirational thoughts are now buried deep in the angst of your every day living
you think that you are drowning and just the thought of that terrifies you because that's your biggest fear


you don't feel you have enough to be proud of
the degree was so long ago, its almost like it never happened
the job you do just doesn't inspire you any more and you need a change but have no direction 
that writing this only reinstates the thoughts that occur in your mind when your quiet enough to listen, 
when the song has finished, or the typing has stopped or you have stopped hearing your own thoughts long enough to realise...


life is flying it always has been and its scary
and it leaves you whether your running along or not
it lets you get lost but that's because it's all our jobs to find ourselves
and maybe i didn't know me until last week when i sat down and discussed my whole education and career background
and heard the words form in my mind and think wow, i think this?
maybe i should let it all go
stop trying to fix it all
and maybe just move on to something new
the only question is... what? 

Thanks for letting me offload tonight, hope you didn't think it was moaning...