Such a broken piece I cannot fix

What do I tell myself 

I can see the room 

I am sat waiting to go in 

What are we even here for anyway

Fucks sake it’s just so little time in the grand scheme of it all

You stand there in a kitchen having what feels like such a chilled out irrelevant conversation and then bam it’s the last you ever had

I can’t even tell you how I should feel

Closest relative I’ve ever lost

If I’m really honest

A father in law is like a second Dad

When my Dad fell Ill it’s what gave me comfort

He was my “second” Dad

I sit here and I feel gutted 

And I still feel numb 

6months on

From the heightened emotions of the calls and the waiting 

The calls from hospital with the updates

Phones in lessons as I waited for a text

Updates of good and bad and oxygen levels

From nowhere

All the time thinking how the fuck is this even happening?

Daylight isnt the same

Holidays

We used to arrive in a place as a couple and call him 

Tell him about the camper or the weather or journey 

Any concerns on the vehicle or direction 

We got abroad in April and I wanted us to call him 

Tell him about the flight or the wait at passport control 

Hear his annoyance at the system but also give us that support 

See he never had emotional sentiment but everything he did was just that

Some people say I love you

But Roger was helpful and involved 

What we said mattered

He wanted us to know so much 

Information was his fortee

It still doesn’t feel right

Nothing feels complete

Keep looking for the emptiness in our existence 

He left such a gap 

A gap that cannot be filled

We just paint over the cracks hoping no one notices the elephant in the room 

He wasn’t perfect but what he brought is missed

It’s hard to forget such a force of nature 

My wife’s idol 

My father in law

Roger

Mask it till you make it

So the time is upon me 

It’s getting ever nearer and the nerves are becoming unbearable 

I draw on my smile and tell you I’m fine but in reality I want to run and hide 

For this appointment will confirm all of our fears and worries 

It will give detail to this killer army of cells that invaded my body 

That took with it my life and normality 

That dragged me through the woods blindfolded and scared 

Screaming without a voice 

Crying without a tear

I am not allowed to say no because it will kill me 

But to experience the unknown is killing me too 

The waiting is the worst 

Sitting there as days just disappear 

Feels like I’m wasting my time 

I can’t do what I want because I’m not well or it’s a risk 

Sleeping is just more turmoil as my thoughts play out horror movies over and over 

People from the low days come back to haunt me 

Then I wake and it’s another day with C

Another day of discomfort and trying to like my new self 

Helping something heal that will one day be reopened 

No one has the words for me

They pull that expression that I hate to see

They say the words that make me want to scream 

For this is not my fault 

This is not being brave or strong 

It came one day and grew and now it’s making everything I’ve ever made, ill 

All those years of looking after my body and eating well and exercising 

Getting active and fit and lifting weights

Beating covid and getting through painful infections and accidents

For what?

For you to just storm in and destroy it all 

Literally throw my life upside down 

Throw the lives of my family and friends into disarray 

Why?

Did I do something wrong ? Is this karma ? Am I a bad person ?

No? Unlucky you say?

Really is that word even worthy of such a devilish thing 

Unlucky is missing the hoop or the net in sport 

Missing a bus

Not this 

Stage 2 destroyer 

I’m still so angry 

Still so sorry for what I will be enduring 

Because it’s not over is it

I mean honestly ? When will it be

Yes eventually the treatment will end but then what 

The waiting 

Waiting and biding time before the next time or praying I hit 5 years to have some sense of relief

But more treatment 

Menopause 

Infertility 

Surgery 

Scars 

So many wounds but those are what you see

For inside 

Inside my heart and my head 

I am a bewildered child again 

Not quite understanding why me 

It just happens doesn’t cut it

Searching for an answer google will never find 

A justification for just some cruel disgusting reality 

This C has taken enough already

Not sure I have enough in me to keep going 

So I pour this out in the hope it helps

Or at least takes some weight from my shoulders 

Throws the thoughts into the universe and waits for a solution 

Until then I will attend my cycles 

Sit there and watch it go in 

Do as I’m told

Because even if I am so sad and gutted by my reality

I was always the child to do as I’m told 

Even if I didn’t understand the reason 

Mask it till you make it as only an ASD female can

Mr Moo

My mum has always talked about Crispin her GR from when she was young

But I’d never been a dog person because we’d always had cats

They say you are either one or the other 

But after almost 8 years with our pooch I’m both.

I can remember meeting him at our childhood home 

P was with me and she was so happy to see a dog again 

I don’t know why but I felt nervous of his arrival 

God knows why 

Mr moo was my guide for a long time when I was lost 

He was my get out of bed call and I was taken in by his presence 

When I walked him during a difficult year he made me feel ok and safe 

He never pooed in places he shouldn’t with me 

He sat with me on a hill after my ankle gave way and waited whilst in pain I cried 

He wouldn’t let go of a dead rat this one time 

He was running at people in the park with this half eaten rat 

I remember him being trained as a puppy 

And always running at me when I came over 

I told him so much 

He has this look that tells me not only is he listening to every word but that I matter 

What I’m saying matters 

I saw him last weekend 

He was so excited to see me 

He jumped up to me and I was annoyed I was in white 

Why is it I have the stupid thoughts at such good times?

I asked him if he knew about my illness 

His look was deep and almost sympathetic 

I brushed him for hours 

That’s what I did

I got him cute toys treats and brushed out his knots

I used to stand him up to dance with him 

Get him to give me two paws 

And gave him head massages 

This time even a shoulder one 

I never wanted to say good bye to such a friendly dog and absolute anchor to our family 

But my illness is something else we share

Along with some of the best walks I’ve ever had 

He was such a supportive companion

And he gave me such strength at my lowest times 

I am forever grateful to Dystran for being part of our family and to us all a real anchor and rock in some of the hardest years of our lives 

Mr Moo 

I will never forget you

Wish this wasn’t your time 

PS wish I’d been with you in France 🇫🇷 

Those walks we could have gone on 

No 3 wishes

They said they are ready for you now 

The hall is full 

They all brought tickets to see this expression of reality from you tonight 

They are all chatting about what they think you will say 

Making there hasty guesses about the unfortunate reality my actual existence has taken on

The path that was never there

It was never there yet here I am on it 

The under foot is hard to navigate and my feet have been bleeding for months 

Yet still I keep going because what other options are there 

Options give the image of choice 

like I have choices to make about how I wish to live my life 

What a lie

Full on lies 

I am stood at the side of the stage and my hands are shaking 

My arm still burns when I try and outstretch to balance myself from the dizziness this is giving 

What went wrong 

How did I end up here 

How did anyone ever end up here 

I walk out 

Applause 

Then silence 

That’s my cue

Am I a victim or am I a survivor 

What would you say?

Have I really survived this yet 

Am I through the woods

Never an expression I understood more 

I was living the life I had always wanted 

I’d stood up to myself and I pushed the return of my job 

I stayed because I was so sick of running 

I had ran from several jobs in the past and didn’t want that to define me

I took a while to warm to my learners and the reality that I had been that teacher who didn’t turn up and being unable to explain why was hard 

Even with my role I don’t like lying to them 

Finding out what I had was the hardest reality check 

It made me see life for the fragility it really was 

All this poker face shit was for nothing in the end because I could no longer hide

I ignored it daily 

Then the inevitability of this disease - the op date 

Just surreal

I was so strong 

I couldn’t even recognise myself 

The beauty of my ASD is I can mask so well

Years of practice 

It was so believable 

I was so happy on the ward

Opportunities to talk to people who like me were experiencing such a trauma in their life 

Such a scary reality and we all lay with our beds all facing each other 

Didn’t feel alone 

P made me feel better 

A song 

Please make it better - strongest lyric I’ve ever read 

I just want me back 

The girl I was

I was so happy with how far I’d grown from the heap I was this time last year 

Didn’t want applause 

Just wanted the lesson of life to resonate 

To remind you all that time does not wait 

Life does not wait 

Before you know it your time is up or altered and that’s it 

No rewind 

No genie in a lamp

No prayer can stop the reality 

Love your body

Sometimes I lie in my bed and I think about how you are lying with me 

And although you have brought nothing but dread you are a part of me 

I lean over in my usual sleep routine and you remind me you are there 

You cause me pain and I worry and you cause me a scare 

I get myself ready for work in my robotic way 

And I catch myself looking at my body 

What an absolute shame that I never gave much positivity to myself when I had nothing wrong with me 

How I spent several years bad mouthing and hating on a figure that was healthy 

How now I’m left with no option but to lose it

The dates are lingering over my head daily 

I am not sure how long I have left with my full body 

But what that horrible disease has taught me in such short time 

Is how important life really is 

How quickly your security of living can be altered and changed 

How actual reality is not something we own but something we borrow

That when I really think about my life so far I’ve actually been lucky 

That this tumour has changed my whole outlook 

And although I’m still terrified and scared and grieving my body 

I know that when you are cut away from me that’s my journey 

The road is not over and is far out ahead 

These scars will remind me of when it almost ended 

The cells in my body changed and with it so did my outlook 

The outlook no longer including such small minded thoughts 

For we are blessed with anatomy that is keeping us alive and you should never take for granted any part 

You should never body shame yourself or dislike who you are

You should not search for a perfection that you already are

We should not be bombarded with cruel media of trolls 

Because until you feel how I feel 

Until you lie in your bed holding onto a part of your body you will lose 

A part of your body that has to be taken away 

For that is when you truly accept yourself 

Trust me I would do anything to keep it 

But it’s making me ill 

But I will definitely miss it 

paint a picture... paint a smile

 This was never a post I thought I would find myself writing

not me

not the one who always thought negatively

expected the worst

not after all this time and heartache

not after all this shit i've climbed through beaten and broken

not me 

not cancer

not me

why me

did i bring this on myself

did i tempt it with my bullshit comments about it 

why did they say i didn't if i did

why would anyone do that

this was never a post i thought i would be writing

and yet here i am 

typing full of such anger and pain and emotion

without any way of expelling it

this bucket is so full its pouring over the edges

water everywhere

blood and my soul is spilling

spilling out in front of you all

devastated you say

devastated?

should i feel eased at such a word

should i feel better

are you sorry?

why, did you do it?

is this even you feeling this right now

this tumour 

in my body 

in my body every morning i wake reminded of this living nightmare

this tumour, this lump each night i fall asleep in my uneasy awful position 

no 

dont be sorry

dont be devastated

help me 

please someone help me 

help me get through this 

until then i will grab my make up bag

and continue to draw on my smile

what other choice do i have 

Out with the old ways

And when I found it 

My life crashed 

It wasn’t like I thought the worse it just felt unfair 

The last time was so much trauma I didn’t feel strong enough to endure it all again 

Life can flip on you like that sometimes 

No personal reason for it it just does 

The more I read about it the more I realise that these experiences are just shitty lessons 

Never thought I’d need much more but obviously I do 

But these recent times I have been scared of the possibilities of what I’ve found but also I feel like I need to see life for more than I have been 

Endless possibilities that only inner demons and fear push me away from 

If I want it I should get it

I went into a store the other day 

I saw things I wanted and I brought them 

I was surprised with how quickly and effortless my decisions to purchase these trainers and tees were but wow I adore what I got 

Is that a lesson ? Maybe not to bankrupt myself but to enjoy the fruits of my labor

I mean I didn’t know if I’d ever come back from the year that was 2022.

I spent time thinking about my passion and career and nearly walked away from a role I thoroughly enjoy

Yes it’s stressful and intense and a challenge every day but it reminds me I’m alive 

Even when numb I am able to truly feel 

Feel it all and I love it 

So yeah I am waiting on a letter an appointment 

But I won’t stop living because of it 

I will live harder in spite of it

It might realistically be nothing 

But this feeling of how short and fast paced life really is

Was the only kick up the arse I really needed 

Happy new year 

Bring it on 2023

I am so ready for you