Change is hard sometimes

Sometimes it feels like a memory
Like it's not even real
Like it came in a dream one night
And each evening it replays the reel
The tape can't be damaged
It can't be stamped out
It doesn't matter how hard I try to break it
That dreams light will never go out.
Somedays I don't even remember and those days to me are a treasure
Until other days I can't escape it
And the tears fall for what seems, forever

It's not like I am feeling sorry for myself
And its not like I want it to change back
It's just that it's not easy, that's all
Knowing they have all left and aren't coming back.

I sometimes feel alone
I sometimes want to scream so loud
Other days the tears stream down
And I need to allow them to, to let it out

I hope with time, it gets less shit
Especially when it hits me hard
Say its a warm day and I want to invite them over
Or a film is out I want us to see
I know this is life and the best thing is change
But it still hurts
Like a bruise below the skin
It may not be discoloured anymore
But it's there
And if I forget, I'm reminded

So for now I shall document my pain
Knowing one day I will read this back and it will be better.
I will be stronger and the distance will be OK
For now, however it still hurts me
I know I have good people around me
But this is family
Blood is thicker than water
I miss them
I won't deny it
I won't shy away from my feelings
But hope that one day, the pain that feels like my weakness, turns into my strength.

Miles

Feel alone in this wide world
Outstretched arms never quite reach the fingertips of family
I have all my heart desires within my walls
But blood is blood
Water it right down
Its still red
Its still a connection that no one can ever change
Change your name
Leave your hometown
Get rid of your surname
This link will never break
You never know do you
When this will be the one thing that saves your life

Day to day is the same
Get up and go to work
Same TV schedule with some new things now and then
Beeping of the phone when messages flood in
But not round the corner
Not an arms reach a way anymore
No quick coffee catch ups
Pop in for hair cuts or cups of tea

Sometimes this feeling drowns me
Really pulls me below the surface
And other times I just get on with it

I know I will be OK
But human I am
And I can not just block out the real life feelings as much as you would like me to
It can be so hard
My journey to work is no longer surrounded by people I know and love just down the road
They packed up and left

Life keeps ticking
We all keep beating

But we always have the dates
The dates we count down to

Own path, own choice

When it's all said and done
We are just a pulse
Encased in water
Movement and change through the years
We complete actions and create dreams
We can smile and laugh
Or we can cry and shout
We don't try to hurt people
But the veins pumping life around us, send emotions travelling around it
They get caught up on feelings and leave us feeling good or feeling shit

We don't have the same body as anybody else
We all have different prints which identify ourselves
We are all individuals
Although some genetics might match, like eye colour or hair colour or even blood type
But that doesn't make us, who we are
For that is our own minds choice
We create our own destiny
We make our own path and push one foot after the other
People can hold our hands and help us cross roads but our destination is our own
Do not forget that

Who are you... Shadows lost in time

What are these shadows anyway
Who are they attached to
It's funny because everywhere I look, there they are

They are not interfering but just telling me, almost reminding me of their presence

I do not understand

I woke up today
Felt like a fuzzy feeling in my head
Like a hangover
Yet I had not drank in such a long time
Could not place the feelings
Then as I got up and dressed ready for the day ahead, left the house and walked to the train station
There it was
The shadow
Like it had followed me

I wondered as I stepped onto that train and found a seat
I thought deep about this presence of shading
Wondered why
Why was it with me
Now of all times
It had not been here a month or two ago
Not for the build up of change which threw itself on to my plate
Expecting me to swallow it down
Without chewing, choking it did not matter
Oh no, it was not here then

I would have given my right arm for a shadow then
A feeling of friendship
Having that independent ear
No loyalties
Just an ear to my woes

Weeks had been passing
Two at the most
And I was sat getting ready to return to the humdrum
Bags were being piled high with washing and memories were encased in my minds eye
My thoughts were sullen
That's the thing about holidays
Months of saving and over in a blink
But all so worth it
Worth the days spent educating the future
Educating lives to be good and compassionate
Educating myself

Tans are collected and thanked for
Well received and create the green eye on arrival back to the blighty

I know this shadow is with me, still
When will it ever attach to a person is something I will never answer nor shall I wish for
I will accept what I have
Know that it is there
Almost dream that it answers my thoughts and voices my feelings
I will ask that it stays
Stays close

I mean God only knows that I am the same for that shadow
That blip might need me to

Who knows...
Who ever will

Rocking chair

When you find yourself walking down the lanes that you remember as a nipper you need to ask yourself
What has changed?
How have you developed since the last time you were here?
Are you even different or just the same?
When we are faced with kick backs how do we challenge them or do we just leave them be and walk away and let them win

Is this life all for nothing
Nothing better to do so you just kept going
Hair grew long, then grew thin, then stopped growing then went grey
And for what
Did you not dance in the rain
Sing at a karaoke
Danced like noone was watching and carried on even if they were
Said what you thought in that moment and worried about the aftermath later
Loved what you felt was right
Did not worry about the ag you would receive
Lived for you
Knew that one day this will not be here
Your youth, your attitude your get up and go
You will not be able to run for the train or ride your bike down hills that scare you
You will be stuck in an arm chair
In a living room covered in memorabilia of a life you have lived
With faces of those present and those who passed
Your mind will be vague and slow
You will not be as witty
Your jokes will come after the moment and noone will be there to hear them or laugh
Your advice will be silenced by the walls surrounding your existence
Your will, will be written and your time ticking down

Will you be happy
Will you look back sat on a rocking chair given to you years before for the days of reflection they said you would have at this age, and will you smile
Smile at the happy moments that fill your life and memory
Thinking back to times you were challenged but you fought on
You got back up when knocked down
Became the person you wanted to be
Loved those you wanted
And left behind those you did not
Learnt from mistakes and left the past where it should be?

I do hope so
Be the lady sat rocking away, babbling but with a heart and mind full of smiles and laughter
Of a life lived, and enjoyed
So when the time stops
No regrets

And then what

And what about the distance
The different walls and rooms
Same furniture but different surroundings
How do i cope with the changes
I mean we are all human but surely there's a difference
A difference between life and normal
Is this normal
Probably
But we are never really ready are we!?
For change
No
Never

Abandoned2

Waking up to the sun-kissed fields
Moist to the touch from the morning dew
Wishing I had not continued the argument that resulted in me ending up here
For its an easy thing to say, how you wish you could turn back that clock but even the strongest god in history has struggled with those two arms on the circle of time
I am not sure what to do with myself as I lay sprawled out on this drenched blanket in the clothes I have worn for several nights
I have no money or battery on my phone
I do not really recognise my whereabouts so to simply walk home is not an option I can choose

When did I become so immature
Surely through age you learn from experiences and to have a row with the one in control is never going to end in your favour
But I knew all this and yet I dug my heels deeper into the ground forcing an eruption of abuse and disray only to wake up here, weather beaten and hungry, exhausted even after sleep and lost
Abandoned in this patch of land in the middle of anywhere