My Dad

I can remember the first time
I was in the kitchen and Dad was at his seat putting his bike trousers on over his jeans and his leather jacket on
He also had this balaclava too and I used to think 'my dad looks so cool'
But I was a teenager, so I never told him.

I would be sat in the kitchen with him with my bright orange trousers on, my three jumpers and gloves.. Waiting for the bikers jacket to arrive so I could wear it.
Life was so exhilaring then
Life could just stop for hours
Nothing took over
Excitement was free and full and available all the time
We stepped out onto the porch and we were kitted and booted up
His motorbike was on the pavement revving and ready
We were off to Wales
I was so excited
I'd worried all morning as I wasn't sure we'd go as the weather had been so rubbish
But, with the rain and wind we were going and I was absolutely buzzing.

When you are sat on a bike.. Life stands still
You are going so fast sometimes you actually lose yourself
God I miss that feeling sometimes
Being sat down with my Dad on this vehicle that just blasted passed people
Within seconds we were dust
I used to hold on to the back of the bike
I wanted to be cool
My secret is I always wanted to hold onto my Dad but was too proud too

My childhood was amazing
And so special
What, with my part time job with my Dad and my bike rides and trips I was always busy and excited

This is a reminder of my happy place
The time we could just ride off into the sunset with my Dad..

I saw a Dad and daughter tonight on a motorbike whilst I was driving home from work and the tears rolled down my cheeks
I wasn't upset
I just felt so lucky to have had those memories too.

We get older so quickly
Time does fly
But I just want my Dad to know how much those memories mean to me and how closely to my heart they are held

Thank you
Childhood was awesome

Storms and changes

Storms
They lit up the sky tonight
They were well timed as I walked in the night sky
I had been walking for hours now and didn't know where I was anymore
The sky started to change colour
It was almost trying to guide me
I had so much to think about
I'd popped out to clear my head you see.. But this walk had felt like hours so far
Still full
Foggy
Conversations were whirring around my head all too often as I scrambled over the ground below me
I knew my trainers and jeans were sodden now from the damp wintery land below each step I was taking
They were drenching my socks
These rocks and hills
I had no phone on me
Not even my key
I was in the rural world surrounded by green which was now a darker glow from this sky
The heavens were planning on opening and I wasnt in the house
I wasn't even prepared
I had no coat and no umbrella
The rain started to fall
At first light and unintentional
Then faster heavier and with purpose
It was thrashing itself down onto me
Onto my hair my shoulders my arms and legs
Did I walk faster?
I should have done but instead I stopped
I stood right there not a step further
I tilted my head up to the sky and said in my head.. Come on then
Bring it

It was cleansing me
It was purifying my head and cleaning my mind
It was taking every stress I felt away with it
Smacking it hard off the ground until it was banished and unconscious
It was not taking anymore of my time up
Life is too fcukin short
We need to enjoy it more
This storm was letting me let it go
I felt emotional with this opportunity
I was so thankful
So relieved and so blessed
My mind felt clear
I was better

It felt better
I could see my way
It was clearer now
Nothing blocking my path anymore

Note to self :
It's always a good idea to reassess
Know what's what
Don't hold back on memories
Make them in abundance
Understand that life throws things hard
Like dodge ball sometimes it can hit you head on, and sometimes you can be missed
Life is never easy or planned
Let life be what it is
Let ideas and chances have a go at making you happy
Don't be so set on your ideas
Don't plan too much
Some days it might rain
And it might ruin your plans
Like they say
You need to learn to dance in the rain
Or in this case
Stand tall, accept some things are unable to be resolved in your chosen wanted route
We have to react to the now
And stop living in the might be

Enjoy time
It's all we have

The vase

I brought this vase
It was a beautiful looking ornament that I kept high and proud on my living room chest
Every morning it caught my eye on my way out the door
It glistened in the sunshine and brought such a pretty sight when it was filled with flowers
It was stunning

Winter had arrived and this vase was looking so dull
I decided to move it to the window sill so it would get some light
It looked different from this position in the living room and before long I started to forget it was there
The spring flew around and the spring clean was in flow
Dusting as I do I managed to knock this vase off the windowsill
It crashed to the floor but only a few pieces fell off
I was devastated
I knew I shouldn't have moved it
We brought glue and we fixed it
A chip was now present but it was moved back to the chest
Out of harms way
New furniture filled the room and the older ornaments started to stand out
They didn't fit the room or the style
This vase was looking damaged and broken and didn't shine anymore
The sun although cold didn't hit the points anymore
It just looked sad
We had guests over and it was knocked again
More chips
More glue
Now its hidden behind other ornaments
I want to throw it away
I can't stand the sight of it sometimes
It looks damaged and sad
It doesn't fit with us anymore
It's going to be boxed away soon
It will probably never leave the loft
I want to keep it
I've worked so hard to keep it
People used to comment on it
Say how stunning it was
It's only a vase I'd say
It always looks better with flowers
But it leaks now
Lost its purpose
Lost its uses
Just an ornament
No real need for it
It gets moved every week
Quick polish and back on the cupboard
Pointless little vase
Oh how you used to brighten up the room
Now I'm struggling to keep you

Life ruined your shine
Took away your beauty
Now you have cracks and chips
What do i do with you now?

Poem written by me: 10/6/2012

Then one day she was woken up
Bolt upright - full of knowing what next
Some people didnt get her,
But she has finally come to realise that's not her problem.
This is who she is and she's comfortable with it
Ups and downs have fell aplenty
However it's all been too much of the same thing
Nobody expects a fricking standing ovation
Just the nod of one's head in recognition of acceptance.
Battles have felt so long and draining
but it was only my minds thought I was chatting at,
And she's the same girl
- so go figure.
As I said, one day she was woken up,
And now I am aware of the next
Check list on the been,
And now listing off the to do
Until till then, goodbye.

This poem was found in an old journal and was written from the bed of my cousin Danny's house nr Dusseldorf, Germany.

My strength

As the curtain falls
The room becomes still
You can hear the beating hearts of the audience as they wait with anticipation
The emotion is heard in my voice as I start to tell my story
I can see the tears form in the eyes of the front row
They can hardly believe their ears
The room becomes enclosed and I feel like it's comforting me
The gasps and reactions are heard from all the seats in front

I pause and take a sip of my water
Someone shouts out to me
"how did you get through it?"

I choke slightly as I am humbled with this question
So as honest as I can be, I answer
You know what
I was told once by a really good friend that the memories of that night will always return, for the rest of my life but that I need to think of what I have. That I'm here that I'm alive and that I am in love, getting married and buying a property.
That yes it was scary and dark and gets to me in the most random of places
But that it's going
It is still early days and I know I have a close nit of people who are here for me

I thank the audience
I bow
And I walk off the stage
It will get easier
This will be my strength not my weakness

Menopausal life

Is there any wonder
People can't cope
Life can be utterly vile at times
It's like life is on the menopause
Stroppy and rude
Taking lives likes its nothing
Stealing the happy from below you
Pulling you down with a crash
Dragging you to a level out of reach

Death again
Its like the weather isn't it
Ooh its cold today or ooh someone else is dead
Fed up
Hate the humdrum
Accidental bullshit
Never a blame
Imagine
Oh sorry family for your loss
Someone left the door unlocked
Everything was stolen
But it's not our fault
It's yours, you shouldn't have put valuables in here
Your fault
You helpless human
Shit happens

Well
I don't like the menopause of life
It's a drag
I am not a fan
I'm telling you to stop
Meditate or read
But don't take anymore
Mood or no mood

Catch my thoughts

Sometimes I am knocked down from it
I can barely breath because of it
It hurts to even relax my chest and ribs
I feel the feeling come over me and I have to wait it out
its like a cramp that gets you in the middle of a night
snatches your sleep without permission
drags you back straight into the moment
covers you with it
drowns you in it
you hate it
you cant shut your eyes fast enough
but when you do its right in front of you
you cant tell anyone
for they would only judge you
you can't ignore it because it has a habit of creeping up on you
you just have to ride it out
you know like they say
a wave
ride it out
let it crash down on you
push you to your limits

the tears fell for it last night
I couldn't even breathe
I couldn't say what I was seeing
I couldn't do that
this was my fault
my choice
my decision
my action
my pain
my drama
my worries
I cant burden them
they don't deserve this
they look at it sometimes
I catch their eye
they look down
the hurt and pain in their eyes
their disappointment
their grief
I feel it
it follows them too
it hits them too
it takes them by surprise on their way to work one morning
or on a lunch hour
or during an advert
the harsh reality of my actions
of my pain
of my fear
shapes
left with shapes

I've not written to upset
just to write it out
conscience is clear
mind is often muddled
but I am far better
far higher
far safer than ever
and I do believe that this too will pass
in time
for life is quick
but I need to give it more time