I am stood outside the room
I know that you are waiting for me
I am too scared to knock the door.. So I just wait
I hear her inside, she sounds stressed out.. Swearing under her breath
I think F*CK IT!!! What's the worst that can happen...
I knock, hear her mumble and open the door..
The room was so confusing, you don't really know where to look first
I was taken back with all of the images, she said she'd offer me a seat but there isn't any clear areas so to do my best in getting comfortable.
She seemed a little distant, like there was something laying heavy on her mind,
The way she spoke was fast but it wasn't really like she was saying much, I could see the hurt in her eyes, as they darted with the speed of her conversation change...
We finally found a space to sit and discuss the issues she had, she moved me with the stories of her experiences, it appeared she had lost a lot of trust along her travels, and was hanging onto the people she felt had her best intentions... struggling to make the move to new people, she said how she knew she was probably making the wrong decisions in her life but was only doing what she knew and said she was sorry for no excuse on this. She told me how people were always wanting more but, that the more they wanted was on loan to others.. and as she reiterated, she had no idea how to get that back..
She spoke of her passions, the industry she felt she would end up in her middle aged years, there was never much devotion to love, and when I queried she replied with a sullen look, the sadness in her face was overwhelming yet she managed to mutter the words, " I don't think I can do that any more, I am just too tired", she sounded defeated and it was a little too much for me, I was crying.
She told me how in her past, whenever she got into these areas of her life, she would hate to feel the sympathy and pity in whomever was listenings' eyes, she told me how she wasn't trying to play victim, but that she had never been a 'go with the flow kinda girl' so this was too alien to even pretend to try out, she was just tired of giving all that she could, her time, her care, her love, her persistence even when treated like a nobody to the people who had stayed around to gain her trust... How, she couldn't tell me how many tears she had cried this passed year, how it was damaging her on a daily and she had actually had enough!
I sat quietly, as she seemed to have gone silent for a moment, the tear rolled down her cheek and she seemed to be angry, angry that this was an emotion, a way of being that she felt she could never feel or have.. and it had just got too much, she didn't want to hide from her life because she was fearful, or because she didn't know where to tread, she just wanted the closure, she wanted to be set free but people were refusing to let her go.. she told me how when she tried to back off, calm down, take a step back people would need her more, they would tell her things that took her right back.. She would feel guilt for ever trying to leave them.............. She got up and walked to the window, she took a deep breath, she muttered colours of cars under her breath, she hated herself for being weak she said, she told me how they think shes so strong... She asked me if I believe in fate, if I believed in having a destiny.. She didn't seem any less down, if anything this chatting it through had made no difference, she said it just reminded her of the mess... like this room, she told me, she is just confused... and tired... ever so tired.
No comments:
Post a Comment